broken-hearted man, and often wished myself in Abraham's bosom, awa frae
the cares and miseries of this sinfu' world.
I was just saying that folk often rin
their heads into scrapes for want of a pickle natural spunk. Let nae man
tell me that gude nature and simpleecity will get on best in this world;
na—faith na. I hae had ower muckle experience that way; and the langer I
live has proved to me that my auld maister, James Currie (him in the
Quarry Loan), wasna sae far wrang when he alleged, in his droll, gude-humoured
way, that a man should hae enough o' the deil about him to keep the deil
frae him. That was, after a', ane of the wisest observes I hae heard of
for a lang time. Little did I opine that I would ever be obligated to
mak use o't in my ain particular case:—but, bide a wee, and ye shall see
how it was brocht about between me and Maggie.
It was on a wintry night when she set
out to pick a quarrel wi' Mrs Todd, the huckster's wife, anent the price
of a pickle Hour which I had bought some days before, for making batter
of, but which didna turn out sae weel as I expeckit, considering what
was paid for't. Had I been consulted, I would hae tell't her to bide at
hame, and no fash her thumb about the matter, which after a' was only an
affair of three-ha'pence farthing, and neither here nor there. But, na;
Maggie was nane o' the kind to let sic an object stan' by; so out she
sets, wi' her red cloak about her, and her black velvet bonnet—that she
had just that day got hame frae Miss Lorimer, the milliner—upon her
head. But I maun first tell what passed between her and me on this
"And now, my dear,"quo' I, looking as couthy and
humble as 1 could, and pu'ing my Kilmarnock nicht-cap a wee grain aff my
brow in a kind of half re-spectfu' fashion, "what's this ye're ganging
to be about? Odds, woman, I wadna gie a pirn for a' that has happened.
What signifies a ruckle flour, scrimp worth half a groat?
Faith, I would better hae held my tongue, for nae
sooner was the word uttered, than takin' haud of a can, half fu' o'
ready-made dressing, which I was preparing to lay on a wab of blue check
I was working for Mr Andrew Treddles, the Glasgow manufacturer— I say,
taking haud of this, she let flee at my head like a cannon-ball. But
Providence was kind, and instead of knocking out my brains, as I had
every reason to expeck, it gaed bang against our ain looking-glass, and
shattered it into five hunder pieces. But I didna a'thegither escape
scaith—the dressing having flown out as the can gaed by me, and
plaistered a' my face ower in a manner maist extraordinar to behold. By
jingo! my spirit was roused at this deadly attempt, and gin she hadna
been my wife, I wad hae thrawn about her neck, like a tappit-hen's. But
na— I was henpeckit, and she had sic a mastery ower me as nae
persuasions of my ain judgment could owercome, Sae I could do naething
but stan' glowering at her like a moudiewart, while she poured out as
muckle abuse as if I had been her flunkey, instead of her natural lord
and master. Ance or twice I fand my nieves yeuking to gie her a clour by
way of balancing accounts, but such was the power of influence she had
obtained, that I durstna cheep for my very heart's blude. So awa she
gaed on her errand, leaving me sittin' by the fire to mak the
best of my desperate condition.
"O, Nancy," said I to my dochter, as she sat mending
her brither's sark, opposite to me, "is na your mither an awfu' woman?"
"I see naething awfu' about her," quo' the cratur; "I
think she servit ye richt; and had I a man, I would just treat him in
the same way, if he danced to set his nose against onything I wanted."
I declare to ye, when I heard this frae my ain flesh
and blude, I was perfectly dumfoundered. The baim I had brought up on my
knee—that used, when a wee thing, to come and sit beside me at the loom,
and who was in the custom of wheeling my pirns wi' her ain hand— odds,
man, it was desperate. I couldna say anither word, but I faund a big
tear come hap-happing ower my rankled checks, the first that had wet
them sin' I was a bit laddie rumin' about before the schule door. What
was her mither's abusiveness to this? A man may thole muckle frae his
wife, but, oh, the harsh words of an undutifu' bairn gang like arrows to
his heart, and he weeps tears of real bitterness. I wasna angry at the
lassie—I was ower grieved to be angered ; and for the first time I fand
that my former sufferings were only as a single thread to a hate hank of
yarn, compared to them I suffered at this moment.
A'thegither, the thing was mair than I could stand,
so rising up, I betaks mysel to my but*an-ben neighbour, Andrew Brand.
Andrew was an uncommon sagacious chiel, and, like mysel, a weaver to his
trade. He was beuk-learned, and had read a hantle on different subjects,
so that he was naturally looked up to by the folks round about, on
account of his great lear. When onything gaed wrang about the Leechlee
Street, where we lived, we were a' glad to consult him ; and his advice
was reckoned no greatly behint that of Mr Meek, the minister. He was a
great counter, or 'rithmetishian, as he ca'd it; and it was thocht by
mony gude judges that he could handle a pen as weel as Mr Dick, the
writing-master, himsel. So, as I was saying, I stappit ben to Andrew's,
to ask his advice, but. odds! if ye ever saw a man in sic a desperate
passion as he was in when I tauld him how I had been used by my wife and
"William M'Gee," said he, raising his voice,—it was a
geyan strong ane, — "ye're an absolute gomeril. Oh, man, but ye're a
henpeckit sumph! I tell ye, ye're a gawpus and a lauching-stock, and no
worth the name of a man. Do ye hear that?"
"O ay, I hear't very weel," quo' I, no that pleased
at being sae spoken to, even by Andrew Brand, who was a man I could
stamach a gude deal frae, in the way of reproof—'"I hear't a' weel
eneuch, and am muckle obleeged to ye, nae doubt, for your consolation.'-
"Hooly and fairly, William," said he in a kinder
tone, for he saw I was a degree hurt by his speech. "Come, I was only
joking ye, man, and ye maunna tak onything amiss I hae said. But.
really, William, I speak to ye as a frien', and tell ye that ye are
submitting to a tyranny which no man of common understanding ought to
submit to. Is this no the land of liberty? Are we no just as free as the
Duke in his grand palace down by; and has onybody a richt—tell me that,
William M'Gee— to tyranneeze ower anither as your wife does ower you!
I'll no tell ye what to do, but I'll just tell ye what I would do if my
wife and dochter treated me as yours have treated you: losh, man, I
would ding their harns about, and knock their heads thegither like twa
curling-stanes. I would aye be master in my ain house."
This was Andrew's advice, and I thocht it sounded
geyan rational, only no very easy to be put in practice. Hon. somever,
thinks 1 to mysel, I'll consider about it, and gin I could only bring
mysel to mak the experiment, wha kens but I micht succeed to a miracle?
On stapping back to my ain house, the first thing I did was to tak a
thimblefu' of whisky, by way of gie-ing me a pickle spunk, in case of
ony fresh rumpus wi' the wife, and also to clear up my ideas; for I hae
fand, that after a lang spell at the loom, the thochts, as weel as the
body, are like to get stupid and dozey. So I taks a drappie, and sits
down quietly by the fireside, waiting for the return of Maggie frae
scolding Mrs Todd about the flour.
In she comes, a' in a flurry. Her face was as red as
a peony rose, her breathing cam last, and she lookit a'thegither like
ane that has had a sair warsle wi' the tongue. But she was far frae
being downcast. On the contrair, she lookit as proud as a Turkey cock ;
and I saw wi' the tail o' my ee that she had
gained a gran' victory ower puir Mrs Todd, who was a douce, quiet woman,
and nae match for the like of her in randying. So she began to stump and
mak a great phrase about the way she had outcrawed the puir body ; and
was a'thegither as upset about it as if Duke Hamilton had made her keepe-of
his palace. Losh! I was mad to hear't, and twa or three times had a gude
mind to put in a word, to sic a degree was my courage raised by the drap
speerits; but aye as the words were rising to my mouth, the thocht of
the can and the dressing sent them back again, till they stuck like a
bane in my throat. Very likely I micht hae said ne'er a word, and Andrew
Brand's advice micht hae gone for naething, had it no been for the
cratur Nancy, who was sae lifted up about her mither's dispute, that
naething would sair her but to ae the hale affair mentioned cut and dry.
"And did ye cast up to Mrs Todd, mither," quo' the
little cutty, "that she was fat?"
"Ay, that I did," said Maggie. "I tcll't her she was
like a barn-door. I tell't her she was like the side of a house. 'Ye're
a sow.' quo' I ; 'ye get fou every hour of the day, wi' your lump of a
But this wasna a'—for nae sooner had Maggie answered
her dochter's first question, than the cratur
was ready wi' anither: "And, mither, did ye cast up to her that her
faither was a meeser?"
"Atweel did I, Nancy," answered the gudewife. "I
tell't' her a' that. I coost up to her that her faither was a meeser,
and would ride to Lunnon on a louse, and mak breeks of its skin, and
candles of its tallow."
I could thole this nae langer. I fand the hale man
working within me, and was moved to a pitch of daring, mair like madness
than onything else. Faith, the whisky was of gude service now, and so
was Andrew Brand's advice. I accordingly steekit my nieves wi'
desperation, threw awa my cowl, tucked up my sark sleeves,—for my coat
happened to be aff at the time,—and got up frae the three-fooled stool I
had been sitting upon in the twinkling of an ee. I trumbled a' ower, but
whether it was wi' fear, or wi' anger, or wi' baith put thegither, it
would be diffi-cult to say. I was in an awfu' passion, and as fairce as
"And so," said I, "ye coost up sic things to the
honest woman, Mrs Todd! O, Maggie M'Gee, Maggie M'Gee, are ye no ashamed
'Od it would hae dune your heart gude to see how she
glowered at me. She was bewildered, and lookit as if to see whether I
was mysel, and no some ither body. But her evil speerit didna lie lang
asleep; it soon broke out like a squib on the king's birthday, and 1 saw
that I maun now stand firm, or be a dead man for ever.
"Has your faither been at the whisky bottle?" said
she to her dochter.
"He looks as if he was the waur of drink."
"He had a glass just before ye cam in," answered the
wicked jimpey; and scarcely had she spoken the word, when Maggie flew
upon me like a teeger, and gied me a skelp on the cheek wi' her open
loof, that made me turn round tapwise on the middle of the floor. Seeing
that affairs were come to this pass, I saw plainly that I maun go on, no
forgetting in sae doing my frien' Andrew's advice, as also my auld
master Tammas Currie's observe, anent a ' man ha'eing aneuch of the deil
in his temper to keep the deil awa frae him. So I picked up a' the spunk
I had in me, besides what I had frae the drap whisky ; and fa'ing to, I
gied her sic a leathering as never woman got in her born days.. In ae
word, she met wi' her match, and roared aloud for mercy; but this I
would on nae account grant, till she promised faithfully that, in a'
time coming, she would acknowledge me as her lord and maister, and obey
me in everything as a dutiful wife should her husband.
As soon as this was settled, in stappit Andrew Brand.
At the sight of my wife greeting, and me sae fairce, he held up his
hands wi' astonishment.
"William M'Gee," quo' he, "it's no possible that
ye're maister in this house!"
"It's no only possible, but it's true, Andrew," was
my answer; and, taking me by the hand, he wished me joy for my speerit
Sae far, sae weel; the first grand stroke was made,
but there was something yet to do. I had discharged a' outstanding debts
wi' my wife, and had brocht her to terms; but I had yet to reduce my
bairns to their senses, and show them that I was their lord and
maister, as weel as their mithcr's. Puir things! my heart was wae for
them, for they were sairly miseducated, and held me in nae mair
estimation, than if I had been ane of my ain wabster lads. So, just wi'
a view to their gude, I took down a pair of teuch ben-leather taws, weel
burnt at the finger-ends, and gied Nancy as mony cracks ower the bare
neck, as set her squeeling beyond a' bounds. It was pitifu' to see the
cratur, how she skipped about the room, and ran awa to her mither, to
escape my faitherly rage. But a' assistance frae that quarter was at an
end now; and she was fain to fa' down on her knees, and beg my
forgiveness, and promise to conduct hersel as became my dochter, in a'
Just at this moment, in comes wee Geordie. greeting
for his parritch. He kent naething of what had taken place in the house;
and, doubtless, expeckit to mak an idiot of me, his faither, as he had
been accustomed to do, almost frae his very cradle. I saw that now was
the time to thresh the corruption out of him; and brandishing the taws
ower my head, I made a stap forrit to lay hand upon him, and treat him
like the lave. He looked as if he had an inkling of what was
forthcoming, and ran whinging and craiking to his mither, who stood
wiping her ecu wi' her striped apron in a corner of the room. The
terrified laddie clang to her knees, but she never offered to lend a
helping hand, sae great was the salutary terror wi' which I had inspired
her. So I pu'd him awa frae her coats, to which he was clinging; and,
laying him ower my knee, I gied him hipsie-dipsie in the presence of his
mither, his sister, and Andrew Brand, who were looking on.
And thus hae I, who for eighteen years was ruled by
my wife, got the upper hand; and ony man who is hen-peckit as I hae
been, should just tak the same plan, and his success will be as sure as
mine. Andrew Brand aye said to me that a man should wear his ain breeks;
and I can maintain, frae present experience, that a wiser saying is no
to be found in the Proverbs of Solomon, the son of David. No that Maggie
hasna tried nows and thans to recover her lost power, but I hae on thae
occasions conduckit mysel wi' sic firmness, that she has at last gien it
up as a bad job, and is now as obedient a wife as ye'll meet wi' between
this and Bothwell. The twa bairns, too, are just wonderfully changed,
and are as raisonable as can be expeckit, a' things considered. Let men,
therefore, whether gentle or simple, follow my plan, and the word "henpeckit,"
as Andrew Brand says, will soon slip out of the dictionair.