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What's the difference
between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says, "Hey you, get off my cloud!"
While a Scotsmen says, "Hey McLeod get off my ewe!"
What's the definition of "Optimism"?
A bagpiper with a beeper
Ancient Piping Joke
The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.
The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all
through the Irish ranks
Ten men down, and the pipers plays on
Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For
heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"
The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the
National Transportation and Saftey board (NTSB). Why? They have seat belts
and an air bag
Band Structure of the Argyll & Sutherland Highlanders
Drum Major: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, faster than a speeding
bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, walks on water, and talks to God.
Pipers: Leaps small buildings with a run-up, is a crack shot, pulls
railway carriages, fords rivers, and listens to God.
Side Drummer: Vaults over fences, is allowed his own side arm, can read a
railway timetable, know how to put on fishing gollashes, and believes in
God.
Tenor Drummer: Can open and walk through a door, knows which is the
dangerous end of a gun, has his own train set, wears Wellington boots, and
talks to himself.
Bass Drummer: Trips over matchsticks, is NEVER allowed near firearms, and
says "look at the choo-choo."
How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better
they could have done it.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A bagpiper.
What did a bag piper get on his I.Q. test?
Drool
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A bagpiper tuning his drones
What do bagpipers use for birth control?
Their personalities
How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end
- it would be a good idea.
If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Submitted by Michael McNabb of Phoenix, Arizona.
Mrs. Gordon came into the house in a state of great alarm.
"Tammas, Tammas," she exclaimed, "There's a cow in the garden."
"Dinna stand there wastin' valuable time," replied Tammas, "Get back to
the garden and milk it afore it gets oot."
We have it on reliable authority that whereas in the old days
Scotsmen emigrated to London, they are now being born there to save the
expense of railway travelling.
Thanks to The Roebuck, The newsletter of the Clan Maclachlan Association
of North America.
Mistakes
If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, it's an accident.
If a doctor makes a mistake, it's an operation.
If a engineer makes a mistake, it's a new venture.
If parents make a mistake, it's a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, it's a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, it's a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, it's a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, it's a new theory.
If an employee makes a mistake, it's a "MISTAKE".
Thanks to The Heritage Newsletter, Linn Genealogical Society, PO Box 1222,
Albany, OR 97321-0537. |
