|Did you hear about the young highland lad
whose mother always told him. "Don't be ashamed of your kilt, Laddie! Be
proud of it!! If you ever have to go to the big city, where your dress
kilt and wear it with pride!"
Eventually, she died, and he had to go to London for the estate paperwork.
He remembered what his auld mother always told him, and wore his dress
kilt. He was on a bus in London when the driver looked back in his rear
view mirror and shouted, "You there! You'll have to put the animal off!
Animals aren't allowed on the bus!"
The Highlander said, "Who? Me? I have no
The driver said, "The animal in your lap, son!"
The Highlander said, "That's no animal - that's me sporran!"
The lady sitting next to him fainted. She had been petting it for five
Gordon and Angela Barclay Arnold of
Tullahoma, Tennessee heard this at the theatre in Aberdeen in 1984.
The 2nd grade teacher says, "The word for
today is fascinate, and you have to come up with a sentence using that
Maureen raises her hand and says, "I went
to the zoo Friday, and it was fascinating."
The teacher says, "That's nice but we want
to use fascinate, not fascinating."
Jamie raises his hand and says, "I went to
a movie Saturday and I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "That's nice too, but we
want to use fascinate."
Ian extends his hand and says, "My dad has
a shirt with 12 buttons on it but he's so fat he can only fasten 8."
(In order to be politically correct, please
fill in the blanks yourself...)
A and a were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about
ready to jump off a bridge.
The turns to the and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The
replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the gives the
The says I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw
the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the .
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England)
comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As
he reaches the battlefield, suddenly on the crest of hill there appears a
solitary figure, a little stocky ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
"Hammer of the Scots?" yells the wee
Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll
give ye hammer!"
Edward turns to his commander and says,
"Take 20 men and deal with that Scottish upstart!"
The commander send 20 men over the hill to
kill the Scot.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the
hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ye English bastards!" he yells.
"Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ya!!"
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He
turns to his commander. "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
The commander sends 100 men over the hill
to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of
the hill again, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ye
English Scum!" he yells.
"I'm just warming up!!!! Come and Get me!!!"
Edward loses patience. "Commander, take 400
men and personally Wipe Him Off The Face Of The Earth!" he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on
horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little
Scotsman is back. His clothing all torn, his face is covered in blood,
snot and Irn-Bru, and yells, "Is that the best ye can do??? You're Bloody
Wimmin!!!! Come on, come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!"
Edward turns to his second in command.
"Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!"
The second in command gathers the men and
they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the
English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood
and his clothes are all torn.
"Your Majesty!!!" he yells "It's a trap!!
There's two of them."