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The Ellen Payne Odom Genealogy Library Family Tree
The Indispensable Ceilidh Book!
Scottish Jokes


Tony Blair visits the hospital

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

Submitted by David L. White.


Haggis McGregor and his friend Ewan McTavish went fishing one day, and what a beautiful day it was. Fish were almost leaping into the boat trying to get caught. They were well over their limit when Haggis spotted the game warden coming down the road. He lunged for the oars and headed the boat for the shore as fast as he could. As it struck shore he grabbed a stringer with a few fish on it and headed off through the brush at a dead run with the game warden in hot pursuit.

Haggis was tiring when he tripped over a fallen limb and fell flat on his face. As he rose the game warden was standing beside him holding the string of fish. "Let me see your license Haggis!" he breathlessly said. Haggis reached into his sporran for his license and handed it over.

After he looked the license over and counted fish, he looked at Haggis and said, "Why were you running away from me, you've got less than your limit on fish and your license hasn't expired?"

Haggis smiled at the warden and replied, "Yes but my friend Ewan's had."

Submitted by Ivan L. Pfalser, Caney, Kansas.


A Scotsman applied for admission to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, "How would you dispense a large, unruly crowd?"

"Weel," replied the Scotsman, "I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.

Submitted by Janet M. Carothers, Pennsylvania.


A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums Ok, but Very Bad when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at his guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bagpipe Solo!"


Takeout Small Talk

A Scotsman goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful shirt, is that silk? Very Nice choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hear the voice say, "That is a stylin' sporran, my man. Is it Italian leather? It looks Grrreat!"

He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his sporran, which he tucks self consciously under the counter.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That kilt, it looks Fantastic! Is it Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look here now. I keep hearin' these voices tellin' me how great my shirt, sporran, and kilt look - what's up with that? Am I goin' Crazy??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "It's just the peanuts."

"The Peanuts?!? the astonished Scotsman asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "...they're complimentary."

Submitted by Jim Dever.


A Scotsman and the ostrich in a pub

A Scotsman walks into a pub with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The Scotsman says, "I'll have an ale." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's your?" "I'll have an ale, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.50, please."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the Scotsman and the osctich come in again, and the Scotsman says, "I'll have an ale," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a scotch," says the Scotsman.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the Scotsman pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.

"Weel," says the Scotsman. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the Scotsman.

The bartender asks, "One thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The Scotsman replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."


Musical Octopus

An Englishman walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his $50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out hove to get it's pajamas off?"


A Scottish minister was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings. One of his parishioners gave but with a stingy attitude for parting with his money without receiving something in return. As he put the gift away, the minister commented dryly, "Tha Good Book says tha Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o' Scotland canna be so choosy."

Submitted by Royce McNeill, Clan McNeill.


It is reported that a Scotsman in North Carolina is so stingy he won't even give his cold to Contac.

In North Carolina there's a Scot who is noted for his thrift. He never goes hunting because he can't find a store that sell used bullets.

Submitted by Royce McNeill, Clan McNeill.


The Indispensable Ceilidh Book!