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Florida
Haggis Lore…. Mick “Crock’o’Haggis”
Dunlop
 During
the First Ice Age, Haggis evolved alongside their cousins, the Platypus.
They migrated across the joined continents until reaching their home, The
Scottish Highlands.
The Male Haggi are herbivores only, not eating
meat of any kind, but munching on grass constantly, and always searching for
their favorite food, Oats. As a matter of Fact, the main reason they settled
in Scotland was because of the many wild oats sown there by the Highlanders.
The Female Haggi are omnivores, eating both
grass and Oats, but occasionally, and during Mating Season only, eat
whatever local fauna are available, especially small birds and young
mammals.
In the Scottish highlands, Haggi flourished for
thousands of years, becoming prolific and populating the hillsides with
their offspring, called Haggles. They lived in harmony with the other
denizens of the hills, the Brownies. Brownies and Fairies would use the
Haggis as Beasts of Burden. As a matter of fact, The Brownies and fairies
would trade in Haggis offspring with their cousins to the South, the
leprechauns. Arguments over the pricing of this transaction actually began
to be called by the names of the beasts, and “to haggle” became a part of
the language of the region.
But then the dreaded Sheep arrived, the Haggi’s
mortal enemies. When the Sheep realized that Haggi ate grass, they started
to eat the Haggis! One Full-sized sheep could eat ten to twelve Haggisses a
day. The Sheep would gorge themselves until bursting. This gave rise to the
misconception that Haggis are sheep stomachs stuffed with their organs and
Oats. This obviously is not the case; the stomachs were stuffed all right,
but with Haggis!!
The local people lived off Haggis. Haggis
Hunting affected many areas of Scottish culture greatly…For instance, when
the first Men in the area tried to hunt Haggi wearing improper clothing,
they were mauled…. an agitated (hyper) Haggis, trying desperately to find
the safety of its burrow, would mistakenly run up a pant leg, and while
doing so did savagely claw and scratch its way to the top, where it caused
considerable damage to future generations of Scots! Wily Highlanders then
devised a garment, worn from then on throughout the highlands that had no
pant legs…. Today this is known as a kilt.
To further ward off the Haggi, highlanders
started to make their kilts out of sheep’s wool. It was later discovered
that due to an evolutionary quirk in its visual receptors, Haggi couldn’t
see plaid. Highlanders had discovered this on their own, and devised many
patterns that hid them from the Haggissi, enabling them to get very close
while hunting. (Today we still see many examples of Clan tartan, all devised
to hunt haggis in their area.)
So to
survive, some of the more aggressive species of Haggi learned to attack the
kilted hunters by leaping directly at the future generations area, with
Claws extended. The Highlanders responded by wearing a small wooden shield,
covered by leather, directly over the targeted regions. Some men would wear
known Haggis enemies, like badger, beaver and fox heads and even horsehair.
All of these were very effective in warding off Haggis… These devices were
called in the Gaelic: “Sporan Tearmunn (pouch protection)”. Today that has
been shortened to merely “sporrans” or in the English, “pouches”.
 Male
and Female Haggis live apart, with the Males roaming in ones and twos
throughout the area, but females hunting in packs, until mating season. They
will then pair off, but invariably they are more females than males, since
more males are lost to the sheep. Remember the males are usually found
alone, and eating grass. The Haggis will pair off, males usually choosing
the younger good-looking females first (sound familiar?) and then the older,
till finally the oldest, ugliest females are left. The unpaired female will
then give off a keening sound through three holes in her bill that is akin
to three bagpipe drones, out of tune. It is a lonely melancholy sound,
coming through the highland mist, in the Gloaming, which will break one’s
heart. Many a song was written about the Lonely Hag, mostly in the Gaelic
(which is probably why you haven’t heard it…you don’t speak Gaelic) and even
today, all pipers, when they first fire up the pipes, in honor of the
heartbroken haggis, will play their drones out of tune, some much longer
than others.
Haggis live in small burrows, almost like
rabbits, and usually near the coast or near water, since they are wonderful
swimmers. A female Haggis and her huddle of haggles make a great silhouette
swimming across a loch; with the mothers neck stretched out and back to
watch over her babies. Aye, some say it looks like Nessie, but I think
that’s stretching it a little too far. There is a local legend near Loch
Ness that strapping haggis onto one’s feet will repel Nessie, or throwing
live tied Haggi into the Loch itself. This has been taken way too seriously,
and being thrown into the Loch whenever Nessie has been sighted has killed
many Haggi. The RSPCH has been on top of this, but there are just not enough
officers. On the other hand, we haven’t seen Nessie in quite a while, so
the effort might just be working!
 Sheep
eating the haggis would change the world, as we knew it in the mid 17th
and 18th centuries. The Haggis population was starting to drop
fast, starting a famine that would change the course of world history. There
were just too many highlanders to last on crops alone and without the haggis
to feed them they started to leave. Unsuspecting Landowners would bring in
more sheep to make up for the lost rent, and the sheep would eat more
haggis, repeating the cycle. The people left in droves, going to Ireland,
the young USA, but mostly Canada. This was, of course, the underlying
root cause of the “Highland Clearances”.
 The
Haggi, seeing more sheep coming in all the time, were forced to make a
choice, and in the early eighteenth century started to also leave, mostly
riding with the Highlanders in the ships to Canada. Once they got near to
land, the Haggi would slip overboard and swim to the coast. Today Haggis are
found all over Canada, wherever people of Scottish descent are living.
Canadians are famous for their Haggi, the North American spotted Haggis.
They are tenderer, but harder to catch, due to the larger size. Once Haggis
were established in Canada, they interbred with the American Snipe, making
 them
larger but less visible than their Scottish counterparts. When Canadians
started to vacation here in West Florida from the 1950’s on, they would
drive down in their motorcars, unsuspectingly causing a second migration of
the Haggis. Haggles would crawl into the trunks (for you Brits, that’s
boots) of their cars and when unloading their luggage would free the little
haggles. The area is perfect for Haggis; especially near the coast…For the
Males there are well-manicured lawns and golf courses everywhere! There are
stands of Sea Oats on every causeway, and not a sheep to be seen!!!! The
females here feed on what is considered a delicacy for a haggis, the
Canadian snowbird. A true Haggis paradise.
So a third incarnation of the Haggis is born:
the West Florida Striped Haggis!
Haggis Hunting
There are too many
Haggi here in Florida now…Lore Signs are:
-1-
Small “gopher holes” are being found in local Florida golf courses, and
gopher bait is not working. Sea Oats are disappearing, and in January 2003,
two imported Scottish Haggi, brought in for Burns Supper, were inadvertently
set free from Cricketers Pub, and escaped onto the Dunedin Causeway! They
communicated with the local Haggi here, and reminded the Florida Haggis of
the ancient defenses against Haggis Hunters. A pox on Cricketers staff!!!
(Probably was British Bob!)
-2- Small cats are missing…. people are actually
blaming coyotes…what rubbish, who ever heard of coyotes in Florida!!! It’s
Haggis, you dolts!!!
-3- Many
more “out-of-tune drone sounds” are being heard, especially in the area
around Dunedin High and Middle schools, Sarasota High, Lake Wales and
wherever lads and lasses of Scot descent are frequenting… we suspect that
the female-to-male Haggis ratio is too high.
-4- We are not seeing as many Canadian Snowbirds
as we used to….the area around Dunedin Blue Jay Stadium used to be filled
with Snowbird, along with the Bingo Parlors near the Causeway….and from
Naples to Jacksonville, Miami to Tallahassee, the sightings of Snowbird are
substantially down. The Florida Department of Tourism is trying to pass this
decrease on the recent hurricane activity….but we all know the real reason,
don’t we?
Therefore we need to have a Haggis Hunt…here in
Florida, now.
Contact the New World
Celts for Professional Advice.
Newworldcelts@gmail.com
Haggis Hunting Methods
  -1-
Use a Haggis Loremaster and a Ghillie Hunter…This is a preferred
method and one highly advised. Insert Single Malt scotch into same, let them
ramble on for about an hour, then release haggles into the wild to lure
Haggi to the field. Just before the Hunt starts, Hold a moment of silence
(the Hush) to relax the Haggis. If they get agitated, they may escalate to
hyper status, and there is a grave danger of being mauled…. Then release the
hunters. They should make for the Haggles, and capture them. Bring all
Haggles back to the Home base. The Hubbub caused by the Hunters will allow
the Ghillie to capture the Alpha Haggis, which he will then parade to the
crowd. Haggis will then be butchered, and forever inserted into the stomachs
and Lore of Dunedin, or Jacksonville, or Ft Lauderdale, or Sarasota or
Orlando…wait, not Orlando…too much fantasy there already…
Write us at
newworldcelts@aol.com and we will provide method #1 for you.
-2- Use a Haggis Hook, stand
near the water, awaiting what looks like Nessie’s silhouette, then cast hook
into water. Two very important rules to follow: Always bring something to
drink, preferably of the alcoholic nature, and for god’s sake, man, tie a
line to the hook. This is always done in the company of scantily clad good
looking young women, to of course, lure the Haggis…(actually used this
method only once, just as the wife found me on the causeway, under the
influence, and in the company of a scantily clad female…when asked to
produce the Haggis Hunting Hook, I explained to her that I had thrown it
into the water, but alas, had not tied a line to it!!!) Moral of the story:
never forget to have a good line with you…
 (Real
men, in the Highlands, at first used sticks and stones to hunt the little,
bambi-eyed Haggi, but that was not very sporting, aye? So they challenged
each other to use heavier stones and big sticks. (“Walk softly and carry a
big stick” is a Haggis hunter’s creed.) As they became more and more
proficient in using the larger weapons, they kept escalating the size. It
got to the point that the sticks became branches, then logs, and then even
poles! As they became even better, the challenge was that one had to, before
hitting the targeted haggis, bounce the pole off of one end first!!! You
guessed it, After Hunting Haggis for centuries, the men were so used to
tossing cabers and heavy stones at the Haggi, when the Haggis thinned out,
and then moved to Canada, the Scotsmen started the Highland Games in their
honor.)
-3- Dig a hole (please not in a blacktop
parking lot) and place an OPEN bottle of Single Malt Scotch (yes, with the
scotch in it!) deep inside the hole. The Haggis will drink the Scotch, but
may become agitated. Tis very dangerous at this time, and on the verge of
going “hyper”, so we suggest sending a Loremaster or ghillie to bring the
Haggis in slowly…. Give the professionals at least a hundred yards clearance
between you and the Sco…haggis, and don’t be surprised if the haggis
disappears along with the Scotch…. it happens quite frequently, with the
ghillie and the Loremaster not remembering a thing later, the poor bastards.
-4- A safer method is to give the Pro Haggis
Hunters the Scotch up front, and they will attempt to catch you a Haggis, if
they remember why it is you gave them the Scotch in the first place. They
will even de-leg, skin it, have it cooked and eat it with you. (It tastes
surprisingly like liver meatloaf, if you ever had occasion to eat
liver meatloaf!). Of course you will have to pay for the entire meal, and
the Scotch. But wasn’t it worth it?
Mick “Croc’o’Haggi” Dunlop Dunedin, Florida
Copyright 2005
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