(This was in response to a question from
> Happy Easter - do
haggis celebrate Easter?
A Happy Easter to you.
As for your question, "Do Haggis celebrate
Easter?", I have to say that, although in some places, there is some strange
legend about rabbits laying chocolate eggs, here in Scotland, we have no
such frivolous and obviously false tales.
I mean, think about it for a moment. You tell
your kids, "Hey, kids, the Easter Bunny's been here and laid eggs all over
the garden!" What kind of a tale is that to relate to kids? They rush out
there, looking for eggs, and invariably eat them right away! Mostly they
throw up lots afterwards and their parents ask why?
Think about the hygiene issues for a start.
Would you really want to eat something that had just been up a rabbits rear
end without giving it a thorough wash first? Come on, be realistic. Then
again think about the size of the eggs. Yes, I know there are some small
ones, but have you seen the size of some of these eggs to [supposedly] come
out of a rabbit?
If a rabbit had laid one of those, I think
we'd find it not too far away gasping in relief from having had something
like that pass through its digestive system. How on earth does a rabbit not
only manage to lay something like a six inch diameter chocolate egg, wrapped
in shiny silver paper with pretty decorations on it, but avoid screaming in
pain during the process? Surely most of the kids that believe in the Easter
Bunny should waken up during the night and run terrified to their parents
wondering what the unholy row is. Kids believe in this sort of thing,
they're so gullible, and yet they find it difficult to believe in a three
legged aquatic, avian, mammal like the haggis. What is wrong with this
Now, what I think happened is that Easter
Bunnies, do exist, but that many years ago they made such a fuss about being
so cute and fluffy and cuddly, that they really REALLY irritated all the
other animals to the point where all the others had a meeting to decide what
could be done to silence them.
Suggestions like mass genocide (or should
that be mass rabbicide?), deportation to Australia, designer diseases and
the like were all suggested, but due to the overall inherent kindness of the
other animals, all were turned down.
As is the norm with all meetings, there was a
break for lunch, which in those days consisted of chocolate eggs, and during
the lunch break, an Easter Bunny wandered into the proceedings asking what
was going on. The stoat replied that the rabbits were excluded from the
meeting, to which the rabbit said, "How can you do such a thing to me, after
all, I'm so cute and fluffy and cuddly - in fact, I'm the cutest and
fluffiest and cuddliest of all the animals?"
At the time, the elephant was a little put
out, because he was considered to be fluffy, cute and cuddly (that was
before the crocodile attacked him with a razor and a portable air compressor
- did you know elephants used to be small, cute and cuddly, as well as
The panda was a wee bit miffed as well,
because after all, even before the kangaroo gave him his black eyes in a
small disagreement over the bamboo shoots (which the kangaroo misheard and
thought it was some kind of new liqueur), he did look quite cute, fluffy and
It didn't go down terribly well with the
koala either, but he was far too shy to say anything about it. In fact, all
the animals thought they were at least as cute and fluffy and cuddly as the
rabbits, but they were all too well mannered to say so. Only the haggis knew
they weren't cute and cuddly, in fact, they knew haggis were thought of as
downright ugly by most of the others.
So, the haggis, having had a few whiskys (he
was from Glasgow anyway), turned to the rabbit, and said, "See you Jimmy, if
you don't shut up aboot being so cute and cuddly and fluffy right now, ah'm
gonna' stuff this chocolate egg so far doon yer throat, it'll come oot the
The rabbit's reply of "Oh yeah, you and whose
army?" didn't quite come out like that, but more, "Oh yeah, you and whose
Of course, all the other animals while
secretly delighted at how the rabbit had finally been silenced, couldn't
show their approval openly, and so the poor haggis had to be disciplined for
his actions. The other animals decided to restrict him to one country only,
but as compensation, they picked the most beautiful country in the world -
So you see, now you have the Easter Bunny,
but you could so easily have had an Easter Haggis!
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