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Bagpipe Humour


The World Champions

By some rare chance. A piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, "Well, Scoty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, the Maxville Highland games was hotter than this"
So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again, Hey, Scoty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, the Montreal Highland games was just as hot"
So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are startng to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot"
Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says,"Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"
Scoty says to him "are you kiddin, Man?' Hell's just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPEBAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!

Bagpipes and Pipers

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her poeket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day.

How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a lightbulb? - Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? - Put it in a bagpipe case.

STRUCTURE OF THE PIPE BAND

Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive
Walks on Water
Talks to God

Pipers:
Leap small buildings with a run-up
Are crack shots
Pull railway carriages
Ford rivers
Listen to God

Side Drummers:
Vault over fences
Are allowed their own sidearms
Can read a railway timetable
Know how to put on fishing galoshes
Believe in God

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Know which is the dangerous end of a gun
Have their own train sets
Wear Wellington boots
Talk to themselves

Bass Drummers:
Trip over matchsticks
Are NEVER allowed near firearms
Say "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Play in puddles
Nobody listens to them, and finally.

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!

Thanks to
Euan Brownhill for these stories.


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