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Another Collection of humour stories


Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."


A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."


"Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the stairs, " didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in ? "
" You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you."
The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days ! "


Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England.


Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."


Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."


Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."


In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."


Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "


Sandy: " You know bonny sweetheart, since I met you, I can't eat...I can't sleep...! can't drink my whisky."
Fiona: " Why not ? "
Sandy: " I'm broke."


Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus, anyway, " he growled.


Sandy: " Without you, the Highlands are dark and dreary...the clouds gather and the wind beats the rain...then comes the warm sun...you are like an island rainbow."
Fiona: " Is this a formal proposal or a weather report ?"


The English General got a case of cold feet before the battle against the Highlanders. Calling his command together, he said: " Men, we're going to get beaten, but you must fight as bravely as you can. If worse comes to worst, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now. "


Nurse:" Dr. MacLeod, there's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible"
Dr MacLeod: " Tell him I can't see him."


Sandy: " Fiona, here's your engagement ring."
Fiona: " But this diamond has a flaw in it."
Sandy " You shouldn't notice that - we are in love, and love is blind."
Fiona: " Not stone blind."


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