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Jokes from Tony Wooster


A nun was travelling between her convent in Northern Ireland and another the other side of the country when the convent's mini she was using, ran out of petrol.  Being a good catholic, she knelt down, put her hands together and prayed a short prayer.

A few minutes later a large petrol tanker hove in sight and she flagged it down.  She explained her problem to the driver who responded: 'I would love to help you missus, but the pipe on this thing are very large and the pipe to the tank of your mini is very small.  Do you have anything we could fill up that you could empty into your tank?

The nun fished around in the back of the mini and came out with a child's potty.  'Would this do?' she asked. 'Yes, I should think that will do fine!' replied the driver. Together they walked round to the back of the tanker and the driver very carefully cracked open the tap at the bottom of the tank and dribbled enough petrol to lagely fill it, into the pot.

'There.  Will that do you?' he asked

'Bless you my son!' said the nun, 'You have been most kind and helpful.  Thank you very much and come safe home!'

The tanker departed and the nun stood pouring this yellow coloured fluid from the pot into her mini, when down the road in his big, black, bulletproof limosine, came the Reverend Ian Paisely.

He took in this scene, wound down a window and as his car passed, he bellowed: 'Woman!  I abominate your religion, but I must admit I admire your faith!'


Two nuns left their convent in Bateman St, Cambridge to buy some vegetables in the market in Cambridge.  In those days it was still sometimes possible to park in the centre of Cambridge but on this occasion they could not find a place.  The one who was driving said to the other: 'You go and get the veg. I'll drive around and I'll see you by the pedestrian crossing by Rose Crescent in about 25 minutes.' The other nun got out and did her shopping and went to the pedestrian crossing and waited and waited and waited.  Finally she said to the policeman who was looking after the crossing: 'Excuse me officer, have you seen a nun in a red mini?' 'No madam,' he replied gloomily, 'but nothing would surprise me!'


A good fairy was between appointments when she realised that she had half-an-hour to spare.  She landed in the garden of a stately home, near two statues in the classical greek style one male one female.  On a whim she brought them both to life and told them that they had half-an-hour to do anything they liked.  The statues gazed into each other's eyes and one said to the other: 'Are you thinking the same as I am?'

'You can count on it!' replied the other, 'I have thought of little else for the last two hundred years!' 

'Well let's do it! exclaimed the first and they ran off hand in hand, to a nearby wood. There was a terrific comotion and hundreds of birds flew out of the trees and then for a while there was silence and the pair of them came running and skipping back to the fairy, flushed and obviously very, very happy. 

The fairy looked at her watch and said: 'You were very quick!  You still have another quarter of an hour, what would you like to do now?'

The two statues looked at each other and one asked: 'Shall we do it again?'

'Yes let's!  But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it!'


Two old farmers in Balquhidder had a boundary dispute. One went to the Writer to the Signet in the town to handle the case for him.  'I'm sorry!' replied the WS, 'I have already been retained by your neighbour. However, I'll write you a letter of introduction to my colleague in St Fillans.  He's a good man, you can trust him.'

The old man took the letter home and steamed it open.  Inside was a piece of paper on which was written: 'Twa fat sheep on the braes o' Balquhidder, you fleece ane and I'll fleece t'other.'

He took this to his neighbour and they settled it out of court.


I hope you haven't heard them before.

With all best wishes,

Tony Wooster.


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