Check all the Clans that have DNA Projects. If your Clan is not in the list there's a way for it to be listed. Electric Scotland's Classified Directory An amazing collection of unique holiday cottages, castles and apartments, all over Scotland in truly amazing locations.

Tha Ulster-Scot Daetectif
By
John James Mc Donnell


Tha yung coanstabil scraiched nervously at tha pimples unner haes chin, hae wus stannin ootside tha oaffice dour O~ez_rsquo~ Daetectif Chaif Inspector Wullie John Mc Bride.

Noo Wullie John wus feart bae al in tha berrecks, haes temper wus oan a wile shoart string at tha best o~ez_rsquo~ times, bit nivir mair sae than furst thing in tha mournin, afore hae had sut doon til haes Ulster Fry!

Mrs O Keefe wha clained tha berrecks aye gaen Wullie a belly-buster o~ez_rsquo~ a fry ivry mournin, an hit wus aye a cert tae putt a bit o~ez_rsquo~ a smile oan haes chops.

Bit this mournin thir wus a bit o~ez_rsquo~ a hannelin alricht, an oul~ez_rsquo~ wummin had baen foun deid ootside hir hummel wee dwellin, an foul play wus gyely suspected.

Knockin oan Wullie~ez_rsquo~s dour tha coanstabil wus toul tae enter in a crabbit wye,~ez_rdquo~whut dae ye want Kelly? Can a senior oafficer no get a bit o~ez_rsquo~ paice an qwait,waethoot baen daesturbed afore hae haes ony breakfast?~ez_rdquo~

~ez_ldquo~Sur thir haes baen foul play, Mary Jane Muldoon haes baen murthured an tha DI is oan haes wye frae heidquarters~ez_rdquo~.

~ez_ldquo~Boysadear, murthered ye say, wud ye stap scraichin yer chin coanstabil, yir scunnerin mae, whuts wrang wae ye onywye~ez_rdquo~?

Jaist as coanstable Kelly wus aboot tae gae big Wully a rindoon aboot haes skin troubles thir wus a tap oan tha dour, ~ez_ldquo~ir ye wantin ye~ez_rsquo~r fry noo chaif inspector~ez_rdquo~?

Stannin in tha dourwye wus Mrs O~ez_rsquo~ Keefe, a fameelyir aroma wafted in frae tha tray shae wus houlin,~ez_rdquo~ och Jinny ye~ez_rsquo~r a life saver, aye gae~ez_rsquo~is hit here, fur mae stumik thinks mae throat~ez_rsquo~s cut, an A dinnae knaw whut kinna boadies tha polis depot~ez_rsquo~s sennin oot nooadays,this yin~ez_rsquo~s efter tellin mae wae hae a murther in tha deestrik, a murther o~ez_rsquo~ al things~ez_rdquo~.

Settin doon tha weel haped tray oan tha desk,Mrs O~ez_rsquo~ Keefe putt hur han tae hur mooth, ~ez_ldquo~ och dinnae tell mae that sur, wha~ez_rsquo~s baen killt?~ez_rdquo~

~ez_ldquo~Noo dinnae get ooe~ez_rsquo~r excited Jinny, an dinnae sey a wurd tae naeboadie till wae hae al tha facts, Aam toul hits Mary Jane Muldoon, bit until A carry oot mae enquiries A dinnae want nae taak gan oot o~ez_rsquo~ tha berrecks~ez_rdquo~.  ~ez_ldquo~Al no sey a wurd~ez_rdquo~, seys Mrs O~ez_rsquo~ Keefe, scuttling oota tha oaffice.Busily forkin fadge intil haes mooth tha chaif guldered at tha thaveless luckin coanstable, ~ez_ldquo~get tha Morris Minor roon tae tha front gate, al bae wae ye in twarthee minutes, an stap pickin at ye~ez_rsquo~r neck, atherwyes ye~ez_rsquo~l oany spread tha rash~ez_rdquo~.

Aisin haes considerable bulk intae tha pessenger sait o~ez_rsquo~ tha Morris, big Wully John ordered tha coanstabil tae drive til tha scene o~ez_rsquo~ tha crime, ~ez_ldquo~an dinnae braik nae speed leemits oan tha wye, fur shae~ez_rsquo~l still laikly bae deid whun wae get there~ez_rdquo~.

~ez_ldquo~Mebbee shae oany had a hairt atteck, frae whut A mine shae didnae kaip powerful  weel~ez_rdquo~, tha coanstabil didnae raespont, fur hit wus weel known that Wully John wus apt tae think alood,~ez_rdquo~ir mebbee shae jaist slipt an fell, ~ez_ldquo~wha reportit hit tae tha berrecks~ez_rdquo~?

~ez_ldquo~Hit wus rung in frae tha postman, saiminly hae wus jaist aboot tae drap a letter intae hur letter-box whun hae spotted hur feet stickin roon tha coarner o~ez_rsquo~ tha gable wal~ez_rdquo~. ~ez_ldquo~Hae tuk a luk at hur, an thocht thir wusnae naithin hae cud dae fur hur, sae hae pedalled doon tae tha phone-box at tha en o~ez_rsquo~ Church Strait~ez_rdquo~.

Wully John Mc Bride wus qwait fur a wee, hae wus thinkin aboot tha arrival soon o~ez_rsquo~ tha DI,~ez_rdquo~ jumped up wee skitter that hae wus,~ez_rdquo~ thocht Wully John, but still hae wud haetae bae reckoned wye.

Tha Morris bounced up tha ruch lane laidin til tha daecaesed~ez_rsquo~s hoose, ~ez_ldquo~tak hit aisy Kelly,~ez_rdquo~ grummelld big Wully, ~ez_ldquo~dae ye think tha polis authoarity~ez_rsquo~s made o~ez_rsquo~ siller? A toul ye shae~ez_rsquo~l still bae deid whun wae get thir.~ez_rdquo~

Coanstabil Kelly passed nae coament, bit hae aised haes fut af tha throttle, hae wus thinking, whut if tha DI gets tae tha hoose before tha chaif~ez_hellip~hae knawed wha wud get tha blame, an hit wudnae bae Chaif Inspector Wully John Mc Bride!

~ez_ldquo~Aw naw, tha sleekit wee skitter haes made haes wye here in front o~ez_rsquo~ us~ez_rdquo~ cried big Wully, spotting tha fameelyir Ford Anglia parked at tha heid o~ez_rsquo~ tha lane, wha~ez_rsquo~ivir daecided tae promote thon wee runt needs thir heid examined, nae doot hae~ez_rsquo~l bae girnin aboot whut kep is sae lang..noo no a wurd aboot mae fry, ir al hae yer guts fur garters Kelly~ez_rdquo~.

Strugglin oota tha Morris, Wully approached tha DI wha wus taakin tae Dr Mc Intyre,~ez_rdquo~mornin sur , hits a brave dey~ez_rdquo~ ~ez_ldquo~Chaif Inspector Mc Bride, ye knaw Dr Mc Intyre, hae wus tha daecaesed~ez_rsquo~s GP, and knaws of nae raison why shae wud hae dee~ez_rsquo~d o~ez_rsquo~ natral coases, sae wae haetae assume foul play~ez_rdquo~.

Big Wully wus oo~ez_rsquo~er takin a gleek at tha moartal remains,~ez_rdquo~ thir~ez_rsquo~s nae sign,s o~ez_rsquo~ violence aboot tha boady sur, shae lucks wile paiceful an al, A~ez_rsquo~m no sae sure wae hae ony crime here, cud shae mebbee hae suffert a stroke ir a hairt attack?~ez_rdquo~

~ez_ldquo~Weel~ez_rdquo~, seys Dr Mc Intyre,~ez_rdquo~hits jaist that shae haesnae bain seek, an tha wye shae~ez_rsquo~s lyin at tha gable maks hit a trifle suspeecious tae mae, an tha postie wus qwait richt tae assume tha wurst whun hae foun hur~ez_rdquo~.

~ez_ldquo~Thir~ez_rsquo~l haetae bae a post mortem Daetectif Chaif Mc Bride~ez_rdquo~, seys tha DI, ~ez_ldquo~an then wae wull knaw ane wye or tha aither if ony crime haes bain committed~ez_rdquo~

Laivin tha hapless coanstabil Kelly tae wait fur tha unnertaaker tae arrive Big Wully, tha DI an Dr Mc I ntyre left tha scene. Later that aivnin tha pathologist rung tae sey that poor Mary Jane Muldoon had bain tha veectim o~ez_rsquo~ a hairt attack, ane that had struck wye nae warnin, jaist whun shae had went oot fur a hanful o~ez_rsquo~ peats frae hur stack~ez_hellip~tragic aye..bit nae crime!

Tha nixt mournin, coanstabil Kelly was still pickin an scraichin unner haes chin whun Big Wully stuck haes heid roon haes oaffice dour, ~ez_ldquo~Kelly sez hae, A hae a handy wee turn o~ez_rsquo~ duty fur ye tha dey, A want ye til gae roon al tha fairms in tha deestrick, an mak sure thir al controllin thir weeds unner tha Wildlife Act o~ez_rsquo~ 1963, that~ez_rsquo~ll kaip ye oota mischeef fur a while~ez_rdquo~.

As coanstabil Kelly wus checkin tha tyres oan haes bike, Mrs O~ez_rsquo~Keefe wus jaist arrivin,~ez_rdquo~ ach hoo ir ye tha dey~ez_rdquo~ sez shae, ~ez_ldquo~is Chaif Inspector Mc Bride wantin haes Ulster-Fry this mournin?~ez_rdquo~

Written by John James Mc Donnell.
October 04.


Return to Poems and Stories