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Tha Ulster-Scot Daetectif
By
John James Mc Donnell


Tha yung coanstabil scraiched nervously at tha pimples unner haes chin, hae wus stannin ootside tha oaffice dour O’ Daetectif Chaif Inspector Wullie John Mc Bride.

Noo Wullie John wus feart bae al in tha berrecks, haes temper wus oan a wile shoart string at tha best o’ times, bit nivir mair sae than furst thing in tha mournin, afore hae had sut doon til haes Ulster Fry!

Mrs O Keefe wha clained tha berrecks aye gaen Wullie a belly-buster o’ a fry ivry mournin, an hit wus aye a cert tae putt a bit o’ a smile oan haes chops.

Bit this mournin thir wus a bit o’ a hannelin alricht, an oul’ wummin had baen foun deid ootside hir hummel wee dwellin, an foul play wus gyely suspected.

Knockin oan Wullie’s dour tha coanstabil wus toul tae enter in a crabbit wye,”whut dae ye want Kelly? Can a senior oafficer no get a bit o’ paice an qwait,waethoot baen daesturbed afore hae haes ony breakfast?”

“Sur thir haes baen foul play, Mary Jane Muldoon haes baen murthured an tha DI is oan haes wye frae heidquarters”.

“Boysadear, murthered ye say, wud ye stap scraichin yer chin coanstabil, yir scunnerin mae, whuts wrang wae ye onywye”?

Jaist as coanstable Kelly wus aboot tae gae big Wully a rindoon aboot haes skin troubles thir wus a tap oan tha dour, “ir ye wantin ye’r fry noo chaif inspector”?

Stannin in tha dourwye wus Mrs O’ Keefe, a fameelyir aroma wafted in frae tha tray shae wus houlin,” och Jinny ye’r a life saver, aye gae’is hit here, fur mae stumik thinks mae throat’s cut, an A dinnae knaw whut kinna boadies tha polis depot’s sennin oot nooadays,this yin’s efter tellin mae wae hae a murther in tha deestrik, a murther o’ al things”.

Settin doon tha weel haped tray oan tha desk,Mrs O’ Keefe putt hur han tae hur mooth, “ och dinnae tell mae that sur, wha’s baen killt?”

“Noo dinnae get ooe’r excited Jinny, an dinnae sey a wurd tae naeboadie till wae hae al tha facts, Aam toul hits Mary Jane Muldoon, bit until A carry oot mae enquiries A dinnae want nae taak gan oot o’ tha berrecks”.  “Al no sey a wurd”, seys Mrs O’ Keefe, scuttling oota tha oaffice.Busily forkin fadge intil haes mooth tha chaif guldered at tha thaveless luckin coanstable, “get tha Morris Minor roon tae tha front gate, al bae wae ye in twarthee minutes, an stap pickin at ye’r neck, atherwyes ye’l oany spread tha rash”.

Aisin haes considerable bulk intae tha pessenger sait o’ tha Morris, big Wully John ordered tha coanstabil tae drive til tha scene o’ tha crime, “an dinnae braik nae speed leemits oan tha wye, fur shae’l still laikly bae deid whun wae get there”.

“Mebbee shae oany had a hairt atteck, frae whut A mine shae didnae kaip powerful  weel”, tha coanstabil didnae raespont, fur hit wus weel known that Wully John wus apt tae think alood,”ir mebbee shae jaist slipt an fell, “wha reportit hit tae tha berrecks”?

“Hit wus rung in frae tha postman, saiminly hae wus jaist aboot tae drap a letter intae hur letter-box whun hae spotted hur feet stickin roon tha coarner o’ tha gable wal”. “Hae tuk a luk at hur, an thocht thir wusnae naithin hae cud dae fur hur, sae hae pedalled doon tae tha phone-box at tha en o’ Church Strait”.

Wully John Mc Bride wus qwait fur a wee, hae wus thinkin aboot tha arrival soon o’ tha DI,” jumped up wee skitter that hae wus,” thocht Wully John, but still hae wud haetae bae reckoned wye.

Tha Morris bounced up tha ruch lane laidin til tha daecaesed’s hoose, “tak hit aisy Kelly,” grummelld big Wully, “dae ye think tha polis authoarity’s made o’ siller? A toul ye shae’l still bae deid whun wae get thir.”

Coanstabil Kelly passed nae coament, bit hae aised haes fut af tha throttle, hae wus thinking, whut if tha DI gets tae tha hoose before tha chaif…hae knawed wha wud get tha blame, an hit wudnae bae Chaif Inspector Wully John Mc Bride!

“Aw naw, tha sleekit wee skitter haes made haes wye here in front o’ us” cried big Wully, spotting tha fameelyir Ford Anglia parked at tha heid o’ tha lane, wha’ivir daecided tae promote thon wee runt needs thir heid examined, nae doot hae’l bae girnin aboot whut kep is sae lang..noo no a wurd aboot mae fry, ir al hae yer guts fur garters Kelly”.

Strugglin oota tha Morris, Wully approached tha DI wha wus taakin tae Dr Mc Intyre,”mornin sur , hits a brave dey” “Chaif Inspector Mc Bride, ye knaw Dr Mc Intyre, hae wus tha daecaesed’s GP, and knaws of nae raison why shae wud hae dee’d o’ natral coases, sae wae haetae assume foul play”.

Big Wully wus oo’er takin a gleek at tha moartal remains,” thir’s nae sign,s o’ violence aboot tha boady sur, shae lucks wile paiceful an al, A’m no sae sure wae hae ony crime here, cud shae mebbee hae suffert a stroke ir a hairt attack?”

“Weel”, seys Dr Mc Intyre,”hits jaist that shae haesnae bain seek, an tha wye shae’s lyin at tha gable maks hit a trifle suspeecious tae mae, an tha postie wus qwait richt tae assume tha wurst whun hae foun hur”.

“Thir’l haetae bae a post mortem Daetectif Chaif Mc Bride”, seys tha DI, “an then wae wull knaw ane wye or tha aither if ony crime haes bain committed”

Laivin tha hapless coanstabil Kelly tae wait fur tha unnertaaker tae arrive Big Wully, tha DI an Dr Mc I ntyre left tha scene. Later that aivnin tha pathologist rung tae sey that poor Mary Jane Muldoon had bain tha veectim o’ a hairt attack, ane that had struck wye nae warnin, jaist whun shae had went oot fur a hanful o’ peats frae hur stack…tragic aye..bit nae crime!

Tha nixt mournin, coanstabil Kelly was still pickin an scraichin unner haes chin whun Big Wully stuck haes heid roon haes oaffice dour, “Kelly sez hae, A hae a handy wee turn o’ duty fur ye tha dey, A want ye til gae roon al tha fairms in tha deestrick, an mak sure thir al controllin thir weeds unner tha Wildlife Act o’ 1963, that’ll kaip ye oota mischeef fur a while”.

As coanstabil Kelly wus checkin tha tyres oan haes bike, Mrs O’Keefe wus jaist arrivin,” ach hoo ir ye tha dey” sez shae, “is Chaif Inspector Mc Bride wantin haes Ulster-Fry this mournin?”

Written by John James Mc Donnell.
October 04.


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