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Poems of Oskar Douglas
The Alternative “The Three Bears”


Once upon a time, there were three bears that lived a very smelly, unhappy, miserable life in a small, run-down old wooden shack in the middle of a clearing in the middle of a very dark forest. The forest was due to be felled for timber by the local paper mill.

Mister and Mrs Bear had been trying for a family for quite some time and Mrs Bear was slowly becoming depressed, and to tell the truth, she was hitting the bottle rather heavily. At last after what had seemed forever, Mrs Bear found she had become with child. They had been taking some rather dubious substances during the last few months of trying and the pregnancy was the end product of a rather sordid night of over indulgence of Pot and Plonk.

They had a son, Dan. He weighed in at nearly 543lbs and was a dark brown haired great lump of a bear. Dan grew in size and weight and his parents wondered how they were going to manage what with all the food he ate and Dad’s pension from the circus was rather meagre. It never ceased to amaze the old bear how all of a sudden the keeping of bears and tigers and the like had all of a sudden become non P.C. He blamed women’s rights and voting rights for them indoors and political correctness. The latter of which he reckoned was spiralling way out of control. Still, he certainly enjoyed the freedom the retirement gave him and the time with Wilma his wife was fine too.

A thicker young Bruin would be hard to find in that fated forest, but he had his part to play in the events which followed, and nothing could change that. Here is the story which is the true account and not the fable you all heard at your loving Mother’s knees………….

ONCE UPON A TIME…………

A horrid little girl called Gingernuts wandered off from her Mum and Dad while they were having a picnic at the edge of the once beautiful pine forest near their home town of Grotsville some where south of ………….in …………. “This could only happen in…………….” Add your own favourite places here.

Gingernuts never once thought of anyone but herself and she wandered deeper and deeper into the dark forest. “I can smell ribs” she said to herself and pretty soon she come out into an opening which was bathed in the light from the mid morning sun streaming through the slight mist which hung over the whole forest. As she pushed her way out into the opening, she could see what looked like three bears, surely not, just disappearing into the thicket at the other side of the clearing.

Good she thought, these clowns won’t have locked that door. She was standing just a few yards from a broken down, dingy, ramshackle old shack and as usual she didn’t even stop to think about what she was doing as she quickly made her way to the front door. She had a good look round to make sure no- one was watching, and quickly slipped inside the squeaky door. She was on the lookout for anything which Jasper the local fence would give her a few dollars for. After all, a girl needs to be able to pay for her own booze in this day and age of women’s lib.

After she had filled a big black bin liner with goodies for Jasp, Gingernuts began to feel hungry and remembering the smell of ribs from earlier, she headed for the kitchen. Geez! She thought, look at the pile of food these greedy bears have cooked for themselves. She grabbed a couple of ribs and stuffed them into her pocket as she noticed the big dish of cookies cooling on the hotplate of the oven. Stuffing her face came naturally to Ginger and today was no different; she just kept cramming more and more food into her podgy face until she had no room for any more. Buuuurp went her fat stomach and she began to yawnnnnn.

I think I’ll crash out on this big bed for a couple of minutes she said to herself as she ambled through to what appeared to be the sleeping area of the cabin. She slumped onto the biggest of the three beds in the room and felt a bruising clunk as she hit the mattress. What the hell’s this? She said out loud as her fat arse crunched onto some thing under the sheets. She checked it out and found an almost empty Jack Daniels bottle and a couple of empty Millers cans between the sheets and the stained mattress. Stuff that shit she moaned as she hastily made for the medium sized bed between the big one and the little one in the corner. She sank deep into the over soft mattress and nearly disappeared. This bed stank of stale sweat ‘cos the Mother Bear was a fat greasy, smelly, lazy slob who had all but given up on the old personal hygiene after the birth of her numpty son Dan. This bed gives me the pukes she said as she beat a hasty retreat for the last bed. This one had better be ok she said or I’m gonna fall asleep on my feet.

This was Dan’s bed and it was just right for her fat bloated frame “bears are big suckers, even baby bears” and Dan was a big bear for his age. She snuggled into the soft blanket on the top of the bed and was soon fast asleep.

Ginger was woken suddenly by the ripping sound of one of her own monumental farts. Oh oh she thought “I’ve been asleep for too long, Id better shoot the crow before those bears come back. Just as ginger lumbered out through the rickety door of the cabin, a huge tree felling machine came crashing into the clearing. It was lumber cutting time and nobody knew that the bears lived here and who the hell cared anyway?

Ginger turned sharply as she ran down the steps at the front and was heading for the cover of the thick brush when she suddenly slipped on a piece of discarded spicy sausage pizza that big Dan had lobbed out of his bedroom window the other night as his Mother had come in unexpectedly and nearly caught him stuffing his fat hairy face. Ginger sprawled in front of the huge front wheels of the giant woodcutting machine and the last thing she saw as she passed out after hitting her thieving head on a rock was the name Altec Timber emblem on the side of the cab. The driver of course, had not seen her as she fell and knew nothing of what was going down here.

What the Hell! Exclaimed Daddy Bear as he tried to focus through his drunken stupor. He still wasn’t able to see properly because he was so hung - over from the previous night’s drinking session. Dan could see what was going on though and without a thought for his own safety, he dived over and snatched Ginger from certain obscurity. Dan didn’t stop as he grabbed her up in his big strong arms and whisked her off to the safety of the far side of the clearing. Dan immediately fell in love with Ginger as he laid her gently on a grassy patch and patted her face until she came to. Thanks you big hairy beast whispered Ginger. I don’t suppose you’ve got a smoke, have you? Dan opened the new pack of smokes he had secretly bought when his Mom had taken him to the store that weekend. He took a long slow drag on the non - filtered smoke and then placed it between the lips of the new love of his life. Carelessly he tossed aside the match he had used to light the cancer stick. Nobody noticed the thin wisp of white smoke curling up out of the grass because of all the excitement. When the driver noticed the young bear kneeling down beside what looked like a red headed girl over at the edge of the clearing he ran over to help. He heard Dan and Gingers story, she left out the stealing part for obvious reasons and he radioed to his boss back at the sawmill. His boss told him to pack up for the day as it was getting late anyway and he was positive the driver had been hitting the bottle. Redheads, Bears, Cabins…CRAP.

The Funerals were all the following week. Nobody survived the raging inferno as the tinder dry forest burned quickly to the ground.

The moral of the story is of course

SMOKING CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH.


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