Once upon a time, there were three bears that lived a very smelly,
unhappy, miserable life in a small, run-down old wooden shack in the
middle of a clearing in the middle of a very dark forest. The forest was
due to be felled for timber by the local paper mill.
Mister and Mrs Bear had been trying for a family for quite some time and
Mrs Bear was slowly becoming depressed, and to tell the truth, she was
hitting the bottle rather heavily. At last after what had seemed forever,
Mrs Bear found she had become with child. They had been taking some rather
dubious substances during the last few months of trying and the pregnancy
was the end product of a rather sordid night of over indulgence of Pot and
They had a son, Dan. He weighed in at nearly 543lbs and was a dark brown
haired great lump of a bear. Dan grew in size and weight and his parents
wondered how they were going to manage what with all the food he ate and
Dad’s pension from the circus was rather meagre. It never ceased to amaze
the old bear how all of a sudden the keeping of bears and tigers and the
like had all of a sudden become non P.C. He blamed women’s rights and
voting rights for them indoors and political correctness. The latter of
which he reckoned was spiralling way out of control. Still, he certainly
enjoyed the freedom the retirement gave him and the time with Wilma his
wife was fine too.
A thicker young Bruin would be hard to find in that fated forest, but he
had his part to play in the events which followed, and nothing could
change that. Here is the story which is the true account and not the fable
you all heard at your loving Mother’s knees………….
ONCE UPON A TIME…………
A horrid little girl called Gingernuts wandered off from her Mum and Dad
while they were having a picnic at the edge of the once beautiful pine
forest near their home town of Grotsville some where south of ………….in
…………. “This could only happen in…………….” Add your own favourite places
Gingernuts never once thought of anyone but herself and she wandered
deeper and deeper into the dark forest. “I can smell ribs” she said to
herself and pretty soon she come out into an opening which was bathed in
the light from the mid morning sun streaming through the slight mist which
hung over the whole forest. As she pushed her way out into the opening,
she could see what looked like three bears, surely not, just disappearing
into the thicket at the other side of the clearing.
Good she thought, these clowns won’t have locked that door. She was
standing just a few yards from a broken down, dingy, ramshackle old shack
and as usual she didn’t even stop to think about what she was doing as she
quickly made her way to the front door. She had a good look round to make
sure no- one was watching, and quickly slipped inside the squeaky door.
She was on the lookout for anything which Jasper the local fence would
give her a few dollars for. After all, a girl needs to be able to pay for
her own booze in this day and age of women’s lib.
After she had filled a big black bin liner with goodies for Jasp,
Gingernuts began to feel hungry and remembering the smell of ribs from
earlier, she headed for the kitchen. Geez! She thought, look at the pile
of food these greedy bears have cooked for themselves. She grabbed a
couple of ribs and stuffed them into her pocket as she noticed the big
dish of cookies cooling on the hotplate of the oven. Stuffing her face
came naturally to Ginger and today was no different; she just kept
cramming more and more food into her podgy face until she had no room for
any more. Buuuurp went her fat stomach and she began to yawnnnnn.
I think I’ll crash out on this big bed for a couple of minutes she said to
herself as she ambled through to what appeared to be the sleeping area of
the cabin. She slumped onto the biggest of the three beds in the room and
felt a bruising clunk as she hit the mattress. What the hell’s this? She
said out loud as her fat arse crunched onto some thing under the sheets.
She checked it out and found an almost empty Jack Daniels bottle and a
couple of empty Millers cans between the sheets and the stained mattress.
Stuff that shit she moaned as she hastily made for the medium sized bed
between the big one and the little one in the corner. She sank deep into
the over soft mattress and nearly disappeared. This bed stank of stale
sweat ‘cos the Mother Bear was a fat greasy, smelly, lazy slob who had all
but given up on the old personal hygiene after the birth of her numpty son
Dan. This bed gives me the pukes she said as she beat a hasty retreat for
the last bed. This one had better be ok she said or I’m gonna fall asleep
on my feet.
This was Dan’s bed and it was just right for her fat bloated frame “bears
are big suckers, even baby bears” and Dan was a big bear for his age. She
snuggled into the soft blanket on the top of the bed and was soon fast
Ginger was woken suddenly by the ripping sound of one of her own
monumental farts. Oh oh she thought “I’ve been asleep for too long, Id
better shoot the crow before those bears come back. Just as ginger
lumbered out through the rickety door of the cabin, a huge tree felling
machine came crashing into the clearing. It was lumber cutting time and
nobody knew that the bears lived here and who the hell cared anyway?
Ginger turned sharply as she ran down the steps at the front and was
heading for the cover of the thick brush when she suddenly slipped on a
piece of discarded spicy sausage pizza that big Dan had lobbed out of his
bedroom window the other night as his Mother had come in unexpectedly and
nearly caught him stuffing his fat hairy face. Ginger sprawled in front of
the huge front wheels of the giant woodcutting machine and the last thing
she saw as she passed out after hitting her thieving head on a rock was
the name Altec Timber emblem on the side of the cab. The driver of course,
had not seen her as she fell and knew nothing of what was going down here.
What the Hell! Exclaimed Daddy Bear as he tried to focus through his
drunken stupor. He still wasn’t able to see properly because he was so
hung - over from the previous night’s drinking session. Dan could see what
was going on though and without a thought for his own safety, he dived
over and snatched Ginger from certain obscurity. Dan didn’t stop as he
grabbed her up in his big strong arms and whisked her off to the safety of
the far side of the clearing. Dan immediately fell in love with Ginger as
he laid her gently on a grassy patch and patted her face until she came
to. Thanks you big hairy beast whispered Ginger. I don’t suppose you’ve
got a smoke, have you? Dan opened the new pack of smokes he had secretly
bought when his Mom had taken him to the store that weekend. He took a
long slow drag on the non - filtered smoke and then placed it between the
lips of the new love of his life. Carelessly he tossed aside the match he
had used to light the cancer stick. Nobody noticed the thin wisp of white
smoke curling up out of the grass because of all the excitement. When the
driver noticed the young bear kneeling down beside what looked like a red
headed girl over at the edge of the clearing he ran over to help. He heard
Dan and Gingers story, she left out the stealing part for obvious reasons
and he radioed to his boss back at the sawmill. His boss told him to pack
up for the day as it was getting late anyway and he was positive the
driver had been hitting the bottle. Redheads, Bears, Cabins…CRAP.
The Funerals were all the following week. Nobody survived the raging
inferno as the tinder dry forest burned quickly to the ground.
The moral of the story is of course
SMOKING CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH.