Sharing Stories from our WebBoard

PART I: THE ORIGINS

While Sir Chaz and I were paging each other on March 2th, of 20 hundred ought one, I began to ponder about the origins of the "Round Table". Luckily, I was able to check through the only unabridged, intact copy of the original Volume I: The Book of Facts (i.e. untouched by the beavers). On page 2035, I read about some interesting research accomplished by Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk about one of his ancestors, named Zbohg, who lived in the middle of the Oligocene Epoch. For those with a genealogically-skewed bent, this would represent one of the tallest trunks of any known family tree.

It was from this very tree that the first Round Table was constructed. What better authority than old Professor McClunk could there be? From these humble bits and pieces, that learned fellow was able to produce some interesting tomes about round tables in general, and several excerpts containing his facts and theories made it into that well-worn copy of the book of books … Volume One: The Book of Facts, which the beavers have been exchanging ever since Chaz and I introduced them to each other.

"On that very Saturday stroll during Witsuntide I climbed the banks above the brackish waters of Horn Inlet to a hilltop where I first saw the circle of stones. I could envision a time when the stones may not have been there, but on that hill years ago I began to postulate a theory about the Round Table of my ancestor Zbohg (pronounced Zog due to the silent or aspirate b and h). Was it not likely that Zbohg's companions sat around a fire at such a location to discuss how to hunt the predatory deer and the sabre-toothed cat. Hence, we had the concept of the very first Round Table, but without the table. In fact, the evidence of stones arranged in a circle actually suggests that they had served as seats long before the existence of a table. Stones, which once contained the central fire upon such occasions, were eventually used to support the first round table. Indeed, modern investigative procedures indicate that the original prototype did not have even a single leg to stand upon."

Thus ended the initial excerpt of Professor McClunk's theory. So much is owed to his great work. Early pioneers, for instance, would not have learned how to "circle the wagons" when attacked by the first nation inhabitants on the Western Plains and Prairies. In that example, the professor wisely comments that the participants of the circling technique had their attention directed outwards … rather than towards the centre, as would naturally occur at a meeting around a Round Table.

I can't swear that everything is true; so hold off on the email messages until you have checked out the original copies of McClunk's books at the Archives of Scotland in Edinburgh.

I hear some incoming mail. The postal service has just dropped off a resource book from Sir Chaz. WOW ... this will stir the pot and make things interesting.

Cheers, Doug.

I was awakened early one frosty morning a week or so ago and after finally stumbling down the stairs, I found Bubba Beaver standing at the door, holding two books..Turned out that Bubba was moving to larger housing as he and wife, Junie Belle, had three small beavers in tow and the present housing was not large enough for them to be comfortable in..In going through his library, he had came across two books of unknown origin, both of slight moldy appearance, but otherwise looked almost like new when cleaned up...One was about the origin of tables and how the came to be and the usage thereof..I could read one although it was written in southern beaver mixed with some slang and the other was written in some unknown language to me but some of it looked to be French, so I sent it by all speed to my friend, Doug, to see if he could decipher the contents . As it now appears, we have basically the same book but my copy is a translation of the original which came from Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk..As these books are well dated and show much research, we have decided, because we all know that the ES gang are interested in tables and beavers, that we would make an effort to let you students of such into a little of the secrets of how tables, including the various shapes, came to be..As we go along, Sir Doug will attempt to translate his book and I will attempt to translate my copy but be warned..southern Beaver language is sometimes not fit for little children. old dogs and people whose IQ exceeds their waist size..With this said, I now turn over the chair over to Sir Doug..
......Chaz

Part II
continued with an explanation about HTML..I have just found an error in my ways because I thought HTML was short for "Heres TO my Mother-in-law"...and I don't drink toast to my mother-in-law...because I've found toast hard and scratchy to try to drink unless they are soaked in something. I've tried on several occasions to figure out the correct method of doing this but I finally gave up when I nearly choked at the last Beaver Buddies convention of 1998..And I still haven't developed a taste for willow beer to this day...
Now thats explained, lets get down to serious business..I have found that after Bubba sobered up, he clarified a few mistakes he had made in former translations, proving once again that Beavers and Beer don't mix..although even Beavers don't drive and drink...or is that dive and drink??..Anyway, a few mistakes were made so I am going to try to restate them to see if they make any more or less sense...when it was mentioned that the beheaded one's head had a habit of rolling down hill, we discovered a paragraph that explained why going after the head was so important..The heads of one's enemies were kept and displayed on poles around the camp as a reminder to visitors of their fate if they broke any of the camp rules while they were there...I had wondered how this could possibly have anything to do with soccer but this paragraph explained that when the tribe moved from one camp to another, everyone's hands were full and no one wanted to carry the heads so it became a habit to kick the heads along as they traveled..as one person would tired of kicking the head, he would kick it to someone else who in turn would kick the head until they got tired..after a while, some of the younger members of the tribe thought this was great sport and when they could catch the elders busy doing something else, they would borrow a head and proceed with a game they called kicking the head but when we look at Professor McClunk's translation of the language of the Zbohg tribe, we find that the name was in truth the game now called soccer...another oddity of McClunk's research and how it has effected more modern history was something that came as a great surprise to me because I thought I was somewhat of a student of what we in the states refer to as "the old west"..the younger men of the tribes of Zbohg
were the ones who first found a use for the thick clay they found around their camps..At first, the clay was mixed with water to create mud and after several piles of mud were collected, a mud battle took place..What any of this could have to do with the old west you might ask but in the old west, names were chosen to hide one's true name, probably in hope that the wife and other relatives wouldn't know what you were doing..It was discovered that the legend of the mud battles and the fierceness of same were widely known and caused one band of old west outlaws to call themselves the Younger brothers..and the eldest of the group, who was the one who first found out about the mud made from clay being the weapon of choice to the younger set of the Zbohg band, decided in honor of himself and besides the fact that he claimed to be related to the Zbohg tribe of old, named himself Clay Younger and he became the leader of crooks that struck fear in the heart of many settlers of old, plus a few banks and a train or two when business grew slack. He had thought about naming himself Clay Zbohg but didn't think anyone would ever get the name straight as to spelling and he didn't think the name Zbohg would strike fear into those he wished to impress.
I'm starting to think Bubba is going to sleep again on me so I'll continue when I get him up and going again...Isn't history an interesting subject? More translation coming as the beaver's renew...Back to you, Sir Doug.......Sir Chaz

Chaz, thanks for the history. I, too, wondered about why it was so important to go down after the heads. Now I know how and why "head soccer" came into being!! Fascinating!!

A suggestion here, Chaz, (mind it is only a suggestion)......a paragraph or two would certainly help!

Doreen

Sir Chaz ... Our Northern beavers, Jellyroll and Rawhide, are the only ones who could understand the Beaver French, and it might take some time to translate. To this point in time, it seems that some of the excerpts from Professor McClunk in Volume One of the Book of Facts actually came from the Beaver's edition. Before I received this magnificently bound edition, I could make neither head nor tail (or even tale) of McClunk's theories. I am very much indebted to you, my friend.

... Cheers, Doug.

PART III: THE BIG WHEEL

There may be several questions, which arise from time to time in the minds of the readers. What academic credentials did the illustrious Professor McClunk possess? Exactly where in the world did his preliminary archaeological investigations take place? Which additional discoveries have been attributed to the learned professor? How many mimsy troves did he slythe among in order to conclude that there is no evolutionary evidence that the prehistoric haggis had wings? The list might be endless but, fortunately, most of these questions have been answered in the "excerpts" (as we shall be referring henceforth to portions of the aforementioned Volume I). I should add that our courier service has just delivered a handsomely bound volume, allegedly written by Thrumbottom Q. McClunk, which we shall be able to use as a cross-reference to some of the "excerpts". Our bilingual beavers, Rawhide and Jellyroll, who are very fluent in Beaver French, are already grumbling about the misrepresentation of certain facts. Hmmmmm.

Thrumbottom, if we may be so bold as to refer to him by his given name, has provided a brief outline of his curriculum vitae in an earlier excerpt (page 699), where he is quoted: "My post-elementary education was at AH, the Academy of Hardnox. Subsequently, I enrolled in Varsity as an undergraduate and became recognized as a "big wheel" on campus as well as off campus (and was often referred to afterwards as the first BWOC). Faculty mentors and advisors saw some promise in my acute investigatory abilities, and I proceeded in my chosen field until a second degree (the Masters) was conferred. In spite of my love for golf, several faculty members tried to persuade me to continue working on my thesis, and there was even some talk about giving me the third degree. How my life changed on a hilltop during a stroll one Saturday during Whitsuntide!" All of us are indeed grateful for that event, because Thrumbottom Q. McClunk is now recognized as a world class authority on round tables (q.v. The Round Table).

It may be of little significance, but Professor McClunk made few references to the precise location of his early exploratory endeavours. We suspect that the hilltop was somewhere to the north of today's Grampians, since he was using the only historical texts that had any bearing upon his discoveries. Scholars have devoted many hours in their attempts to validate the existence of the Horn Inlet. Without fear of contradiction, we believe that much of the problem arose from the juxtaposition of Horn Inlet and the Grampians. In the excerpt (page 1066 and all that), McClunk outlines the reason for the confusion as follows: "The records of Roman historian Tacitus, son-in-law to General Julius Agricola, refer to an unknown hill-slope to the north-east as Mons Graupius (with the u's being written in the Roman fashion as v's). Over fifteen hundred years later, Hector Boece compounded the uncertainty by recording the site of my discoveries as Mons Grampius." With those simple observations, McClunk appears to have relegated all history and culture, bar none, to the realm of mistaken identity and myth. What insight!

In spite of many obstacles, the professor was able to prove beyond any doubt, that many developments were tied to the power of tribal
continuity and unity … as symbolized by council meetings around the central fire. Major decisions and rituals received a circular seal of approval (so to speak). McClunk hastens to warn scholars against drawing hasty conclusions. He observes that overly- zealous scholars almost inspired Olympic officials to include "Jumping to Conclusions" as an event. For example, the origin of engagement and wedding rings may (or may not) be related to the custom of couples "tying the knot" by encircling their wrists with twine as elders looked on. As McClunk correctly postulates, however, almost every social and technical development was preceded by the invention of the Round Table, whose earliest version was quite legless. There is a unanimous agreement that the round table was easier to move when the clan was forced to migrate; it was simpler to upend a round table and roll it along like a "big wheel". Just try that with a rectangular one. [We see by the nodding of heads, that most of you have already tried.]

Rawhide and Jellyroll, the Ken-Eh?-Jun beavers, have been busily translating McClunk's book. From their noisy response, I have concluded that they are not in unanimous agreement about some of the finer points in McClunk's version. Perhaps Sir Chaz can explain what all of the commotion is about.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Sir Doug...after much pay-off, otherwise known as bribes, I finally got Bubba back to his translation of the southern version of the a fore mentioned book. He has enlisted the aid of his second half brother from his wife's third cousin's previous marriage....
Now I am beginning to see where we are finally getting somewhere although where remains to be seen..I thought I smelled willow bark beer on Bubba's breathe so I am hoping he'll get this all done in a fashion that makes some sense...
The book he is working on goes back a little further than the original works of Dr. McClunk..I'm having a time trying to keep this straight myself but it seems that the original tribe of ZOG, with the letters left out of the original spelling for ease of typing, had a habit of beheading all enemies they captured as soon as they ran their pockets for useable loot or in case of the captive being a fair looking damsel, well we won't go there, but they took notice that as soon as the head was severed from the head, it had a propensity to roll away..usually down hill..I believe this has something to do with Newton's law of everything on top of a hill will at some time, roll down hill..Not sure on that point, as McClunk didn't say much about it in the edition we are looking through..I think this is where the idea of putting rocks in circles came into being so someone could catch the head when it flew off..There is reason to believe this is also where and when the game of soccer was invented...As you referred to in your former post, this is also when the idea of placing a flat rock to be used in the beheading became popular..As flat rocks were not readily available, it became common to carry the tribal flat rock with the tribe when new hunting grounds were sought out..I believe that Bubba may have stumbled upon a possible answer to the flat rock becoming a round flat rock....and if Bubba doesn't stay out of the beer, we may never get this right..A rectangular rock rolled long enough will finally become round from sheer force of nature..Another discovery was made when we found out that the rock was quite heavy and was usually put on a pile of smaller round rocks to keep it from sinking into the ground and to also give the rock bearers something to grip when it came time to move the rock..Bubba suggested something about fires being built under the large now rounded rock but said the details were in the book that was mule train mailed to your abode of late..to help with this matter, would you please see if your copy of the book shows any reference to fires having something to do with the rock?
In the meantime, I'm going to try to sober up Bubba and his helper....Yours in research.
Sir Chaz

Sir Chaz:

Has Bubba been imbibing that hard cider Rawhide processed over the winter? You'd better check. Even Jellyroll can't get a kick from the near-beer she was forced to drink to quench her thirst on their most recent trip down south.

Jellyroll is doing much better with the translations now, but Rawhide is off somewhere taking a nap most of the time. Anyway, she has concurred with Bubba's version of how things must have been during the stone age. [Jellyroll took one of those speed-reading courses, you know!] She has discovered more about the activities around the Round Table.

Cheers, Sir Doug ;~}

PART V: THE NON-SOCIAL AGENDA PART V: THE NON-SOCIAL AGENDA

Sufficient attention has been given in the Beavers' references to the social aspects of the meetings during the time of McClunk's ancestor, Zbohg. Any Kindergarten child could sum up those aspects in one terse sentence. In fact, that is exactly what happened. A wee tad (and the "wee" is used advisedly) in Miss Clabbard's class repeatedly interrupted the proceedings at the precise juncture involving a key point of the lesson. It should be apparent that Zbohg's council meetings weren't called for the picayune purpose of chewing the fat or even for the practicality of keeping warm around the fire. That is not to say that keeping warm was not an important consideration in those halcyon days.

From the unabridged text, I learned that Professor McClunk deduced that the meetings became more business-like after the Round Table was placed upon the rocks once used as a central hearth. Although the atmosphere of the discussions was less heated, it was often recalled that cooler heads prevailed. In the days of his ancestor, it was as true then just as it is today, that the best business meetings were those in which a purpose could be identified even if there was only one item on the agenda. The Round Table was frequently on the agenda, needless to say. Not surprisingly, someone coined the word "blamestorming" to cover the corporate ritual of deciding whose fault it wasn't. Some poor soul, who hadn't said a single word at the meeting, might awake to the sudden realization that everyone was pointing in his direction.

The term "brainstorming" had not been invented when the council tackled the most serious problem of preventing the round table from wobbling as it was rolled from one site to another during times of migration. The official transporters were usually in a surly mood after a long journey to a happier hunting ground. The Round Table must have been on the agenda for several moons (or moonths) before a solution was discovered. Perhaps the solution was something less than a miraculous occurrence. Professor McClunk believes that his illustrious ancestor may have forgotten to douse the live coals before the Round Table was placed in the centre of the circle. We have every right to question McClunk's obvious prejudice in favouring his ancestor's role in the discovery, but it is entirely possible that a hole was burned through the middle of the table. The abbreviated version of his theory is that a thick stick was wedged into the hole to prevent further damage after the fire was extinguished. [A modern patio table with its umbrella might owe its existence to this event long ago.] We may have alluded to the "big wheel" theory earlier, but much credit goes to the transporters. When they tried to remove the thick stick from the centre of the Round Table, it wouldn't budge. At first they were disappointed, but they were overjoyed when they discovered that their job was made easier. The axle had been invented.

Flushed with the success of this kind of business meeting, Zbohg's council decided that such meetings were a good thing. They became a ritual. They were held for basically the same purpose as Hallowe'en is held ... namely tradition. "Aha! It's Woden's Day. Must be time for another meeting." And so it went … whether there was an agenda or not.

Strange as it may seem. It was during one such traditional meeting that the table sprouted legs. Professor McClunk swears that Zbohg must have fallen asleep; otherwise he would have given short shrift to the perpetrators of the deed. Unknown individuals at the meeting placed hot coals at the edge of the table to form the vertices of an equilateral triangle … just for the heck of it. Realizing the error of their ways, they tried to cover up their dastardly deed by plugging the resultant holes with three thick twigs. Naturally, they were left with rather unsightly pieces of wood sticking up into the air … even after they made an effort to trim them off at equal heights. To further exacerbate the situation, our motley crew decided to turn the table over to hide their misdeeds. Turning the tables turned out to be a fun game thereafter at their meetings, but we digress. As Zbohg slept on, everyone vanished from the Round Table, which stood proudly and firmly upon its three legs. Since only three points were required to define the surface plane upon which it stood, the first Round Table (with legs to stand upon) did not wobble. Absolute strangers were persuaded to sit around the new structure and wait until Zbohg awoke. An appointed politically-correct spokesperson announced in a loud voice, "Zbohg, you must realize that your plan was full of risks. We were left with no alternative, except to implement it. I only hope, for the sake of the council, that you can accept the consequences." With that, the strangers departed in haste, leaving Zbohg sitting quite befuddled at the table.

Thus, the council had its Round Table with three legs to stand upon. Additionally, they could hold two kinds of business meetings ... those which had agendas ... and those which occurred because it was Woden's Day. At least that is what Professor McClunk would have us believe.

[Jellyroll has worn herself out with all this translating, and I see that Rawhide has returned fully refreshed from his afternoon snooze. Dagnabbit! We are going to have a meeting ... even if it is not Woden's Day!]

Cheers, Sir Doug ;~}

Whew!!! I'm exhausted from all that reading and I'm not much further ahead except that a table now exists, is now round and has 3 legs. Just curious, what happened to Part II? Obviously not relevant to the round table theory perhaps. Another one, what is Woden's Day?

Look forward to the continuing story...but don't rely on those beavers too much. I would question some of their translations [grin]

Cheers,
Meta-Anne
Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines

On 03/14/01 05:58:00 AM, Meta-Anne Hudson wrote:
>Whew!!! I'm exhausted from all
>that reading and I'm not much
>further ahead except that a
>table now exists, is now round
>and has 3 legs. Just curious,
>what happened to Part II?

Chaz has been a wee bit leery of HTML, but there is always the possibility of conversion here. We are actually alternating the sections according to plan. Chaz is taking the even PARTs. His references indicate that stone age tables (made from rocks) actually predated the wooden ones. Amazing!

>Obviously not relevant to the
>round table theory perhaps.
>Another one, what is Woden's
>Day?

Well, normally we would call it Wednesday, but all of the events happened so long ago that the records refer to the day named after the Norse god, Woden. If we consider the many versions of the "Calendar", I don't suppose it would matter if they had referred to Thor's Day!

>Look forward to the continuing
>story...but don't rely on
>those beavers too much. I
>would question some of their
>translations[grin]

It is always wise to use caution when beavers become involved. They are quite unpredictable. Why ... just yesterday I caught Rawhide speaking in rhyming couplets ... as if he was acting in a Shakespearean play. However, Chaz and I must rely upon the beavers for the vast fund of information that has been stored away about trees ... and wood products. Their memories and powers of observation are remarkable ... and their memories of past eras are unmatched by most other species ... [or so Rawhide and Bubba have often said].

>Cheers,
>Meta-Anne
>Downunder....Where the Sun
>Always Shines

Cheers, Doug ;~}
Up and Over ... Where the Sun Is Trying to Shine Today

PART V½: FACILITATING THE PROCESS
One factor may have been overlooked and that was the invention of paper. With paper and some carbonized sticks from the fire in the middle, it became very difficult to write on the soft earth and so the table was required to facilitate this writing process. I received this information from an internet site:

http://www.beaverlodge.edu/history/~medi

Cheers,

Hugh S.

On 03/14/01 09:12:00 AM, Hugh Sutherland wrote:
>One factor may have been
>overlooked and that was the
>invention of paper. With paper
>and some carbonized sticks
>from the fire in the middle,
>it became very difficult to
>write on the soft earth and so
>the table was required to
>facilitate this writing
>process.

Sir Hugh S. :)

Actually, very few factors have been overlooked. There are an infinite number of connections to those early times ... much more than we can hanle. We are fortunate to be able to use those ancient fire pits for carbon dating.

Naturally, you are aware that lead pencils contain no lead. That's carbon. We are still looking around for evidence of prehistoric pencils ... with very little success, I might add.

> I received this information
> from an internet site:
>
>http://www.beaverlodge.edu/his
>tory/~medi
>
>Cheers,
>
>Hugh S.

Your URL is lacking a DNS server [or was it DNA?].

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Looking forward to the animated version of this story, Meta-Anne, although it might be wise to do the condensed version something like Reader's Digest!! lol

Doreen

On 03/16/01 03:03:00 AM, Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Looking forward to the
>illustrated version of this
>story, Meta-Anne, although it
>might be wise to do the
>condensed version something
>like Reader's Digest!! lol
>
>Doreen

Hmmmm. Don't tempt me. Think I will certainly wait for the condensed version. :-)

Meta-Anne
Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines

On 03/16/01 06:12:00 AM, Meta-Anne Hudson wrote:
>On 03/16/01 03:03:00 AM, Doreen Robinson
>wrote:
>>Looking forward to the
>>illustrated version of this
>>story, Meta-Anne, although it
>>might be wise to do the
>>condensed version something
>>like Reader's Digest!! lol
>>
>>Doreen
>
>Hmmmm. Don't tempt me. Think I will
>certainly wait for the condensed
>version. :-)
>
>Meta-Anne
>Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines
>

Now that is what I call ...

HIGH HOPES !!!

Cheers, Doug ;~}
Where the temperature is seasonal.

Having finally awakening the sleepy headed Bubba who is now complaining about the noise of the new ones and the quality of the food service, we shall go forth and see what the connecting paragraph holds.. Known as SECTION #6....Assuming we are keeping this in order of some kind as Ms. Clabber would have said.

After we got the torn page back together, we found the reason for several other inventions that the tribe of Zbohg were responsible for.. some even I wouldn't have thought of.. After the younger members of the tribe tired of throwing mud, which has since became a huge political game, someone came up with the idea of making a hat of the mud which would keep their heads cool, so several made hats, according to the size of their heads and wore them all day and enjoyed the coolness of a mud hat.. As night wore on and everyone gathered around the fire, the young bunch laid their mud hats by the fire so they could use them the next day.
When they got up the next morning, the hats were hard and dry, making them unsuitable for keeping the heads cool so they went off to make new hats...The women of the tribe noticed the hats and not knowing what they were for, someone filled one with water to see if it would leak out...The first pot was invented that day...and after looking at some of the flatter hats, it was determined that some of them might even be suitable for eating from...
All seemed to be working well now that we have watched the invention of the round table, which brought about the invention of the axle and wheel and now we have watched clay plates and bowls being invented...Of course, all this is referred to in McClunk's book on page 1344, paragraph 6, section 4.
Not being an authority on the correctness of either Professor McClunk or the Bubba version of this translation, I'll have to take their word for its correctness...More later as my quill pen inside my computer has ran out of ink....Chaz

Sir Chaz: Ms. Clabbard kept a very orderly Kindergarten class and every member of the class remembers with fondness those mid-morning snack-breaks followed by the "nappies". Unfortunately, all of the lessons have long since been forgotten ... probably because of the wee tad who was waving his hand in the air and interrupting the proceedings.

The very mention of food has made Jellyroll and Rawhide very hungry. The invention of pots and bowls made eating a whole lot easier in those early days.

As McClunk says, "Nobody thought of using the table for food at first, because the men were still learning how to conduct the business meetings on the topic of hunting for the predatory deer and the sabre-toothed tiger."

Well, perfect practice makes perfect ... (or so they say) ...

PART VII: TABLING A MOTION

Most business meetings around the Round Table require that some modicum of work or participation should be accomplished within a specified period of time. Agendas (in days of yore) were literally chiselled in stone. Given freedom to choose, any rational being would prefer ordinary participation over strenuous work at any given moment, hour, day, etc. Those who attend meetings are obliged to choose between the two modes unto the present time.

Ordinary participants included Kings, Knights (when they were not gallomping about the countryside), committee chairpersons, consultants, long-range planners and the like. If individuals belong to the category of the honoured "ordinary participant", they are guaranteed a cushy job for life (provided that they could avoid hand-to-hand combat whatever the occasion or location) ... besides which they are allowed to choose the most comfortable stones to sit upon at all business meetings around Round Tables. Professor McClunk deduced that his ancestor, Zbohg, must have been involved as an ordinary participant of some stature in the community. There was no history of piles or haemorrhoids amongst Zbohg's decendants.

The true workers at those meetings were easily identified by their note-taking implements (which would eventually evolve into the sharpened pencils and note pads of today ... although a few clever readers may have noted that the obsolete phrase "chiselled in stone" continues to be used in reference to certain executive decisions). In general, you could spot upwardly mobile co-workers by the way that they used their note-taking skills. It was important to present motions, but even more important to have someone else do the actual recording. Promotions went to those who could manoeuvre copious notes into someone else's hands for the final report.

Sometimes you could avoid actual work simply by looking busy ... but not often. Excellent examples of elaborate doodles, caricatures of head honchos and fanciful art have survived from those early business meetings to the present day. Few of those industrious workers were promoted, however. Perhaps this is the simple explanation why the Beaver Society did not develop at the same pace as did humans. Professor McClunk (q.v. the excerpt in a footnote on page 1104) stated that phrases such as "busy as a beaver" and "eager beaver" are very telling attributes.

Hmmm … No sooner had I typed a reference to beavers, than Jellyroll let out a high-pitched "Neep ... Neep ... Neep" and Rawhide erupted with a rumbling "Tattie ... Tattie ... Tattie" in reply. Distracted by all of these "neeps and tatties", I was finding it quite difficult to concentrate.

"Je crois qu'il ne sera pas trop difficile traduire le langue en francais de castor," squeeked Jellyroll, indicating (of course) that Beaver French was well within her realm of understanding. "Merde!" Rawhide flapped his tail and mumbled to himself as Jellyroll stumbled through a chapter entitled "The Complete Facts About Tables." Jellyroll: "Actuarial Tables." ... Rawhide: "Merde!" ... Jellyroll: "Interest/Taxation Tables." ... Rawhide: "Aussi Merde!" ... Jellyroll: "Multiplication Tables." ... Rawhide: "Plus de Merde!" ... And so it continued until Jellyroll came to "Round Tables", at which point Rawhide omitted his usual "Merde" and ambled over for a Beaver/Castor conference.

During this entire time, I had been flipping through Volume I of The Book of Facts in my attempt to locate further excerpts by McClunk. At the bottom of page 999 (damned near 1000, actually) there was an English translation of the section from which the beavers were reading. Without the Round Table it was highly improbable that any of the historical motions would have been tabled, and it is extremely doubtful that any of the assorted other tables would have been invented. Excited about this new information, I mailed this immediately to my friend Sir Chaz for his comments.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

PART VII½: THE SOCCER CONNECTION

Whewww!!! Now I'm totally lost but I guess the beavers still know exactly what this is all about. Give them another beer [grin]

"The heads of one's enemies were kept and displayed on poles around the camp as a reminder to visitors of their fate if they broke any of the camp rules while they were there...I had wondered how this could possibly have anything to do with soccer but this paragraph explained that when the tribe moved from one camp to another, everyone's hands were full and no one wanted to carry the heads so it became a habit to kick the heads along as they traveled..as one person would tired of kicking the head, he would kick it to someone else who in turn would kick the head until they got tired..after a while, some of the younger members of the tribe thought this was great sport and when they could catch the elders busy doing something else, they would borrow a head and proceed with a game they called kicking the head but when we look at Professor McClunk's translation of the language of the Zbohg tribe, we find that the name was in truth the game now called soccer..."

Here's one from Sir Alastair.......think he left it in the wrong conference [grin]

PS. I don't think she's any relation to Scoot Er.

Meta-Anne
Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines

PART VII¾: A GRAVE THOUGHT
Meta-Anne,
an addendum of a 'true nature,' not that all these many, many, many,... learned discourses are not true...

Using Human heads for soccer is not entirely without fact.

There's a graveyard in Fenwick - between Glasgow and Kilmarnock - that contains the graves of many Covenanters - Lu knows all about them now - some of the headstones are very descriptive and at least one of them narrates a tale of how the game was played with the head of the person commemorated...

Nice people our ancestors...
Sandy

Ah, Meta-Anne & Sawney, you may recall (from Alice In Wonderland) that the Queen was prone to shout, "Off with her head!". During her reign, it is said that many heads did indeed roll. Games could have serious outcomes in those times.

Nowadays, we try to keep wee tykes amused during lengthy journeys. What better way than to have the stone age kids play "Kick the Can" with a spare head. Of course they were imitating the adults, but why not let them think that the game was their own invention. Before rules were developed for soccer (or even field hockey), it was possible to have unevenly divided teams with as many as 50 players per side. I am still looking for the reference about the first clay salad-bowls being used as helmets or head-guards during soccer games. This is fun!

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Meta-Anne..Surely you don't think we would pull your legs about facts of history..Maybe our approach bends history just a wee bit but we'd never come right out and lie about such truths as the research of Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk..He, alone, by himself, made shambles of much of what is presented as fact now by those less educated and is taught as fact in our leading colleges and places of higher learning, even in Beaver University of Mass. (BUM for short)
some of this wrongness is still presented as fact...One thing that McClunk did bring up that has not been proved was that when the early settlers of this country, USA and Canada, Beavers were actually trapped and skinned and the skins were used for making hats for the gentlemen in europe and other strange places..according to McClunk, when Zog's tribe heard about this practice and told all the beavers about it, the beavers trapped a few humans and skinned them and made hats out of their skins but they thought it looked so dumb, the practice was soon forgotten, at least by the beavers..The settlers kept the practice alive for several years...McClunk claims to have some drawings of beavers wearing humand skin hats somewhere but we have been unable to locate them so far..Some tips were left as to where they were but unfortunately "han-guk mal ul chal hal tchul molia yo" and Ich spreche kaum Deutsch " either so translation has been somewhat slow..Bubba said "Sie leiden unter nervoser spannung"..I agreed and then he added "Welche tabletten haben sie genommen?"..I told him it was none of his business and get back to something I could understand..As he started mumbling again, I said BUBBA~!!!!! YONG-O RUL HAL TCHUL ASE YO, please...he finally agreed to go back to the beaver-english which I understand most of
the time but by now I'm tired so I'm going to go take a nap....Chaz

Chaz, I am ROTFL - you and the beavers have brilliant writing skills. Unbelievable!!

Now, Meta-Anne, to help you out, here are the inventions to date:

round table
axel
hats
pots
plates
bowls
dining table

Oh, and human-skin hats....nearly forgot that important item!!

Doreen

On 03/16/01 03:31:00 AM, Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Chaz, I am ROTFL - you and the
>beavers have brilliant writing
>skills. Unbelievable!!
>
>Now, Meta-Anne, to help you
>out, here are the inventions
>to date:
>
>round table
>axel
>hats
>pots
>plates
>bowls
>dining table
>
>Oh, and human-skin
>hats....nearly forgot that
>important item!!
>
>Doreen
>
Thanks Doreen. Maybe we should take it in turns reading just as they do writing. I fell asleep in the corner briefly from exhaustion [grin]

Meta-Anne
Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines

Chaz is quite right! Nobody could pay either of us to lie about the historical facts ... and besides nobody has even made an offer ... recently ... hardly at all. That's a fact!

PART IX: A VERY UTILITARIAN PURPOSE

The unsuccessful members of society were those who never learned how to attend business meetings. Individuals who carried messages to and from meetings were ultimately excluded from the decision-making process ... as was the court jester. Just show me someone who wants to be banged over the head with a pillow tied to the end of a "slap stick". Nobody. I thought so. It was far more important to be in a position of power ... sitting around the Round Table. There is certainly no prestige unless your job could cost thousands of people their lives or livelihood with a single block-headed decision.

As stated earlier, one of the primary purposes of the business meeting in days of yore involved the matter of providing food. Needless to say, the task of hunting fell to some of the very males who were keeping warm by sitting around the Round Table in their capacity as consultants and advisors.

The Jester's place in medieval society was preserved at the pleasure (so to speak) of the king or head honcho. Unencumbered by the need to participate at the Round Table ... and actually being physically discouraged from such involvement ... the Jester was almost single-handedly responsible for the extinction of the sabre-tooth cat. Slap-sticks can be quite deadly. Well, that's life! Somebody has to be low man on life's totem pole.

Perhaps it is time that the females of the species were mentioned. Hunters were free to hunt as soon as the meetings were adjourned. On the rare occasion that some prey was slain, it was the female's task to perform the cooking rituals. The hunters were unprotected against the elements, whereas their agile prey (the predatory deer) had a warm fur coat. It is not surprising that hunters devoted much energy at the Round Table sessions by prolonging the meetings and putting off the adjournments. It took some time for the humans to discover that they were in danger of starving. The women, not being obsessed by the virtues of well-run business meetings, simply munched on local vegetation ... and the seeds of modern agriculture were sown (again so to speak). The predatory deer, attracted to the cultivated gardens, recognized a good thing ... and became vegetarians. None of these developments would have occurred had it not been for the meetings around the Round Table. The council soon conceded that the table could be put to use for the mundane, but practical, purpose of serving food. How clever!

The beavers bristled at the very mention of fur. It matters not that my winter hat is made of fake beaver fur. Jellyroll ambled away to resume her work, and Rawhide completed a poem which had very little to do with the topic under discussion ... as he leaned lazily against my favourite tree and gazed upwards to the sky.

A butterfly has so few worries;
It rarely screams and never scurries.
When winds blow cold
(So I am told)
The King of all the flutter-by's
Packs up and flies to southern skies.

A beaver, on the other hand,
Is known by all throughout the land.
(A busy gnome)
He stays at home
The whole year round and is not fickle.
He earned his place upon the nickel.

Well, no-one said that one of our Ken-eh?-jun icons had to be "busy as a beaver" at all times. Just imagine the honour of sharing your portrait with the Monarch on a five-cent coin!

[ED. NOTE: Egotism does not run in Rawhide's family. It took a left turn while speeding down the throughway of life. After Rawhide took his share, there was nothing left for the others.]

Rawhide is rapidly learning the world of business meetings and is fast becoming executive material.

~~Signed: Rawhide OOPS~~ ... Cheers, Doug ;~}

The Beavers are obviously very well educated. How many generations of Beavers have graduated from BUM U?? They have a definite knack of veering off topic .... are you sure they don't post on ES regularly??? *big grin*

Doreen

Doreen & Meta-Anne :)

Here is some feedback from Jellyroll and Rawhide on some of your weightier thoughts.

They were reluctant to trust humans after the scare tactics about beaver hats. I took them aside and reminded them that humans would be unlikely to rob them of their fine fur jackets in these days of synthetic apparel.

Moments later, Rawhide took me aside and gave me an English translation of Jellyroll's most recent readings in Beaver French. Long ago, there was some concern about the duration of meetings, particularly when the population of knights began to rise. The King's tournaments, while partially successful at thinning the numbers, left a significantly large number who wanted a pre-scheduled time to conduct their own meetings ... thus, the Knights of the Round Table, which most readers have heard about.

Proper decorum was never their concern. The prevailing theme seemed to involve getting comfortable (after wearing heavy armour all day) ... placing their feet upon the table ... putting their chewing gum under the chairs ... letting off a wee fert or a belch and pointing towards the King (if he was present) ... and telling tall tales that absolutely nobody could possibly believe. Rawhide concluded that he could have shortened those meetings simply by maintaining the correct lie while gnawing at a nearby tree until it fell across the table and scattered the knights.

I laughed nervously at the idea, but thought (to myself) that a warning "tree-mail" message would alert the neighbouring tribe of dangerous beaver activities. [A designated tree between villages facilitated communication via "tree-mail" long ago, when smoke signals proved unreliable during the rainy season.]

I hope that answers a few of your questions ... including the habit of veering off topic. We would never have thought of that aspect. A digest version (of veering off topic), you suggest? Never! Absolutely not!

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Chaz has indicated that he had some problems with logging in after he changed his password. He also stated that he was tiring easily of late. Everyone at ES wishes him well, I know. And a few of us are aware of the trials and tribulations of some treatments and medication. Let us not forget the amount of time and attention that Grandpa can give to the new triplets either. It would be Chaz's wish that we continue "The Round Table" project ... for at least a couple of more posts. Here's to Chaz! Our prayers are with you, my friend.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

PART XI: OPEN UP AND SAY AAW

I know some people who have worked all of their life and still didn't know what their jobs were. My dentist is one of them, I think. Well, maybe not. It's just that I don't seem to be able to have a decent conversation with the fellow when my mouth is frozen and filled with instruments held by both of his hands. I do know that he would be lost without his round table and its tray filled with assorted picks, shovels, drills and glue guns. Whatever else you do before you retire, my best advice for everyone is --- find out what it was that you have been doing all of your life. I'd also be willing to wager a substantial amount that you have more than a passing acquaintance with tables. At least our ordinary participants and true workers around the Round Table seemed to be spending more and more of their time either at or in close proximity to one while attending their lengthy meetings.

MmmHmm! It was business as usual until one day some unknown member placed a Member's Bill right at the top of the Agenda. Horrors! It suggested that they should consider ways to make the meetings shorter. That one item kept two consultants, several advisors and three committees going until the hunting season, just when the hunger pangs set in. The final report was such that it would be wise for today's attendees of business meetings to take heed. According to Professor McClunk's excerpt on page 2306, it went something like this ...

1. Take turns raising your hands in order to be recognized by the chair.
2. State your name loudly and clearly if he truly does not recognize you.
3. When your turn comes up, quickly tell the chair that whatever you are supposed to be doing is still a work-in-progress. It may sound stupid, because it is obvious that you haven't been twiddling your thumbs all this time, and you are supposed to be completing whatever it was you're working on. You would claim that this was the case, even if you weren't. It makes sense.
4. After a couple of such claims, it would be traditional for the chair to ask that everyone, who was still working on what he was working on, raise his hand. For obvious reasons, regular participants (such as the King, Head Honcho, Chairman, Knights, Consultants and Advisors) are excused from raising their hands under these circumstances, so they became quite proficient at providing the motions to adjourn the business meeting. [ED. NOTE: Pay attention at the next business meeting to see if this isn't a fact. As your homework assignment, try to discover if there is a private agreement amongst the regulars to take turns providing the motion to adjourn ... just to prove that they were there by getting their names in the minutes.]
5. If the preceding points are rigorously adhered to, most business meetings can be concluded in under three minutes, even if you allow for the chairman's attempt at humour at the outset of the meeting.

This kind of meeting accounts for 78% of all types of meetings according to Rawhide, who simply scratched out some random numbers on the bark of my favourite tree until one of them looked about right. On every occasion when I have seen these fundamental principles put into operation, the meeting proceeded with haste and all participants departed within the allotted time. Well, we have stretched the truth a bit. There was one occasion when the meeting dragged on longer than expected. If you discover that one of the participants is a certain Tommy Jones from Ms. Clabbard's Kindergarten class, try to ignore his raised hand. Tommy has patented his "hand raising routine", and is taking the show on the road (so to speak). Open up and say, "AAW! Isn't he cute though."

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Is it you or the beavers who have their teeth "glued" in place?? And, could it be.... is it really "THE" Tom Jones. (Swooning at the very thought!!!)

Also heard it rumoured that the Knights of the Round Table have been known to remove their shoes and socks!!! Horrors!!! Could it be true???

Doreen

On 03/17/01 02:32:00 AM, Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Is it you or the beavers who
>have their teeth "glued" in
>place??

The beavers have nothing but the very best stainless steel implants. About one year ago they made their way to Alabama to visit some cousins (Bubba was one, I think) and they helped Chaz clear the forest on his back 50. Chaz tried to return Rawhide and Jellyroll by inserting them into his disk drive, and they required a substantial amount of dental work. Rawhide has been reluctant to travel since then. [My teeth should be so lucky. They have been travelling ever since I was born.]

>And, could it be....
>is it really "THE" Tom Jones.
>(Swooning at the very
>thought!!!)

Tommy almost passed out laughing at the idea, but he does get mixed up with that other fellow ... not the singer ... the one in the novel of the same name by Henry Fielding back in 1749. He is a riot!

Yesterday, he asked me, "Did you have any friends growing up?" M-m-m-phf! I reassured Tommy, that yes, indeed, most of my friends did grow up. What a silly question!

>Also heard it rumoured that
>the Knights of the Round Table
>have been known to remove
>their shoes and socks!!!
>Horrors!!! Could it be true???
>Doreen

This only happens when they are due for their annual pedicure, I can assure you.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

That's a relief!!

Doreen

On 03/18/01 12:59:00 AM, Doreen Robinson wrote:
>That's a relief!!
>
>Doreen
ROFL....I've just been reading, not commenting!!! It gets too much for me at times!! I run out of time. But I do appreciate the postings.

Elda

Doreen :)

We are relieved that you have been relieved. Your unsolicited review of the situation was much appreciated by the Knights. They are delighted that someone has "cleared the air" on that subject (so to speak).

Elda :)

As the unchallenged (at the recent election) president of Banter's Royal Society of the Most Honourable Spelunkers (MOTTO: "You First" or "Tu Primus"), your comments would be most welcome. Sometimes those beavers are too much for me as well.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

PART XIII: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

A member of our custodial staff has just submitted an important announcement …

"If any readers are currently chewing gum, please do not place the wad under your chair. This request comes from the janitorial staff and custodians of the room of the Round Table. Please accept the following assignment with the good intent in which it is offered:

1. Write "I must not chew gum while reading this serious treatise" fifty times on the nearest wall.

2. Photograph the wall and prove your sincerity by sending a print to the authors. [Merely saying that you have followed these directions matters little. The staff does not trust the honour system.]"

The following coupon fell out of the well-worn copy of Volume One. It must have been used by one of the beavers as a bookmark.We thought that the hand-numbered limited 2nd edition had been completely sold out.

[Ed. Note: The coupon must be read directly at the ES Community WebBoard page in order to appreciate its true beauty … the variations in texture and size of the fonts ... the colourfulness … the sheer honesty of its pristine presentation. No kidding. Would I lie?]

FREE COUPON
$200 Mail-in Rebate
(Only ONE Per Customer)
... off the original cost of a genuine original reproduction of Volume I: The Book Of All Facts
Valid until February 22th, 1998.
Yours for only $29.98
when accompanied by this coupon
Valid only where permitted by law, excluding some provinces and states beginning with the letter "Q"

Congratulations! If you can read the small print, you have just saved yourself a bonus eye examination worth far more than the cost of this offer.

Would the perpetrators of the preceding prank messages please raise your hands? (… unless your name is Tommy Jones from Ms. Clabbard's Kindergarten Class.)

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Me thinks the designer of said coupon is puffed up with pride!! ~~)

Doreen

I agree. A posse is being assembled to round up the perpetrators. I wonder where those beavers have disappeared to.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Was Bubba with them?? Maybe they are heading down Chaz' way to pick him up.

Doreen

Doreen :)

Not possible. Rawhide remembers what happened the last time he went south ... and Jellyroll will drink almost anything to avoid the near beer that she had to drink. I might attempt to coax them to join us when we fly to Florida at the end of next month, but we'll have to come up with an enormous incentive.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Flying First Class might work. lol Be sure to keep them away from those nasty crocodiles.

Doreen

They'll be alright. Don't forget those very expensive, stainless steel implants.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

ADDENDA to PART XIII

SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS
1. Do not read these postings.
2. Reading these postings, either in part or in their entirety, will constitute no liability on the part of the authors.
3. If you should choose to ignore instruction #1, read the PARTS in random order to preserve what is left of your sanity.
4. Safety Instruction #4 (SI4) was perfectly ridiculous and had to be removed from the list. Nobody in their right mind would have implemented it anyway.
5. In the event of comprehension failure, scream loudly to attract attention. [Placing the head on the keyboard, beating one's hands
against the monitor and stomping both feet against the accessories has failed on all experimental trials.]
6. Please make frequent note of the position of your ON/OFF switch at all times.
7. If Safety Precautions are required while reading PART VIII, loosen all articles of clothing and breathe deeply. [Most readers will have taken the full Safety Precautions Course, which was offered free of charge last year, anyway. It was so popular that no demand was made on our money-back offer.]
8. If stricken with a bout of ROTFLMAO while reading comments by our beloved critics, return immediately to PART I and read twice, but contact your Family Physician if the condition persists.
9. Removal of these instructions is a violation of the law and will result in ~~several~~ exactly seven years of bad jokes.

GENERAL NOTICE
The publication rights to PART VIII are still available. Public bidding will close on St. Andrew's Day, 2001, at 11:59 PM EST.

LOST & FOUND
The following draft of an untitled poem was found in the Chat Room. Anyone, who knows the author, is asked to contact the manager of this website. Critics of the Arts may submit their articles to the undersigned.

I've seldom seen a dancing pig
~~By the shore of Gitche Gumee~~
Attempt a waltz or do a jig,
~~By the shining big sea water~~
Perform a pirhouette or bow.
~~Stood the wigwam of Nakomis,~~
The thought is stupid anyhow!
~~Daughter of the moon Nakomis.~~
These hastily scribbled lines were signed by Hank W. Shortfellow

ATTENTION
I offer my sincerest apologies to the person(s) who paged me to request the recipe for "Beaver Tail Soup" on the weekend. My only copy vanished mysteriously (What other way could it have possibly disappeared? Think about it.) on Monday morning to be perfectly Frank. As I have always said ... Frank is indeed perfect, but there I go digressing without any warning again. To my utter astonishment, Frank knocked at the front door just five minutes ago holding a crumpled, badly smudged paper. No, it wasn't the recipe ... but it was a reasonable facsimile ... (what was still legible, that is). Some inhuman creature had substituted 2 or 3 well-marinated rats' tails for the main ingredient and "whisky" was spelled "whiskey". That leaves very little by way of clues to go on. All that I can recall about the balance of the recipe was the garden vegetables and four litres of water. Sorry again.

Cheers, Doug ;~}

Y U K!!! Please! I repeat P U L E E S E!!
Do not post in the "Food & Drink" Conference!!

Doreen

I chose to ignore the first of the safety instructions.
I understand there is no liability to the authors. I feel that you should be aware of a few things anyway.
I followed #3,and read the posts in a random order. I had to read them many, many times. That resulted in accidentally reading them in order.
I screamed loudly as per the safety instructions.
I have no beaver, but was receiving encouragement from Sir Whiskers (a Siberian Hamster).
Despite our best efforts, I was stricken with a severe case of ROTFLMAO with a touch of NWMP (nearly wet my pants).
My physician directed me to hurry to the emergency room, and I believed his advice to be sound. At that moment, Sir Whiskers was also stricken. His case was most severe. He was "froze" on his back, with all for legs in the air. He also had a large smile on his wee face. I decided to seek treatment for him as well, and put him in my pocket.
After much time had passed, I was given a room. The doctor sat in front of me, and moved in close. At that exact moment, Whiskers recovered and leapt from my pocket.
The doctor then swooned and fell from his seat. The remainder of my ROTFLMAO, was then expelled. I was cured as well. The effects are temporary, and may be shortened by visiting humor (or find a person prone to vapors).
Whiskers noted that the doctor was sitting on a stool.

I wonder what Professor McClunk would say about that???

Tracy, you have made poor Buggles have a "turn" he is afraid of rodents and was sitting on my lap. He fell off the keyboard and started twitching violently for a while.
I was about to take him to Dr McMugg when he came around, but now he won't come near the 'puter, just in case that mutant hampster is there....Connie

Evidently you found a copy of SI4 (Safety Precaution #4) floating around. It covered blaming everything on pets, including Siberian hamsters, while being attended to in the office of a qualified physician. BTW - how did you know that my child bride was one of the world's foremost experts on hamsters? We met a colony of their Siberian cousins outside our yurt when we were in Inner Mongolia back in 1988! [NO KIDDING]

SI6, the location of your ON/OFF switch is of paramount importance. Obviously yours was turned ON. Therefore, SI7 may be bypassed if you have taken the full SFC on survival. Thank heavens you made it this far.

Please advise Tracy that poor Buggles may require extensive therapy, but nobody can afford my rates ever since I retired. [CHUCKLE]

Cheers, Doug ;~}

I am relieved that you have online help. I will watch that button more carefully from now on!!!
Important piece that wee button!!
(Deep breath now)
I will be fine.

Those little siberian hamsters are cute aren't they.
Funny you mentioned a colony. Whiskers provided his own right here in the 'puter' room!!!
No, kidding....lol!!!

At this moment Doug Buggles is laying on the docs couch shaking in terror.
He had a nervous breakdown at the thought of a mutant hampster attacking him, he shall never be the same dog again..
My poor little boy is so afraid, I will have to take him into bed with me to calm him down. Connie

PART XV: AN UNOFFICIAL SYNOPSIS
Gather around the Round Table and take a seat. It has been drawn to my attention that some of you have lost a thread or two in the tale. In fact, a couple of you have been dashing about collecting the lost threads wh