Tony Blair visits the hospital
Tony Blair, the British Prime
Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit,
he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of
injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first
patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie
face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your
place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my
Tony, being somewhat confused
(easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the
Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin,
tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start
awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor
accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor,
"It's the Burns unit."
Submitted by David L. White.
Haggis McGregor and his friend
Ewan McTavish went fishing one day, and what a beautiful day it was. Fish
were almost leaping into the boat trying to get caught. They were well
over their limit when Haggis spotted the game warden coming down the road.
He lunged for the oars and headed the boat for the shore as fast as he
could. As it struck shore he grabbed a stringer with a few fish on it and
headed off through the brush at a dead run with the game warden in hot
Haggis was tiring when he
tripped over a fallen limb and fell flat on his face. As he rose the game
warden was standing beside him holding the string of fish. "Let me see
your license Haggis!" he breathlessly said. Haggis reached into his
sporran for his license and handed it over.
After he looked the license
over and counted fish, he looked at Haggis and said, "Why were you running
away from me, you've got less than your limit on fish and your license
Haggis smiled at the warden
and replied, "Yes but my friend Ewan's had."
Submitted by Ivan L. Pfalser,
A Scotsman applied for
admission to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him
and asked, "How would you dispense a large, unruly crowd?"
"Weel," replied the Scotsman,
"I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just
pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.
Submitted by Janet M.
A biology graduate student
went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and
found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site
where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of
travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature,
the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those
The guide turned to him and
said, "Drums Ok, but Very Bad when they stop."
Well the biologist settled
down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two
weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums
suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a
phrase), and he yelled at his guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens
The guide crouched down,
covered his head with his hands and said, "Bagpipe Solo!"
Takeout Small Talk
A Scotsman goes to a
restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While
he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and
as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful shirt, is
that silk? Very Nice choice!"
Wondering who made the
comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be
speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hear the voice say,
"That is a stylin' sporran, my man. Is it Italian leather? It looks
He whirls around again but
sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his sporran,
which he tucks self consciously under the counter.
A little freaked out, he grabs
another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
kilt, it looks Fantastic! Is it Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the
waiter over and says, "Look here now. I keep hearin' these voices tellin'
me how great my shirt, sporran, and kilt look - what's up with that? Am I
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly
replies, "It's just the peanuts."
"The Peanuts?!? the astonished
Scotsman asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter,
Submitted by Jim Dever.
A Scotsman and the ostrich in
A Scotsman walks into a pub
with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and
asks for their order. The Scotsman says, "I'll have an ale." He turns to
the ostrich and asks, "What's your?" "I'll have an ale, too," says the
The bartender pours the beer
and says, "That will be $3.50, please."
The Scotsman reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the
Scotsman and the osctich come in again, and the Scotsman says, "I'll have
an ale," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again, the man
reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until,
late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the
"Well, it's close to last
call, so I'll have a scotch," says the Scotsman.
"Same for me," says the
"That will be $7.20," says the
bartender. Once again, the Scotsman pulls exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back
his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the
"Weel," says the Scotsman.
"Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket,
and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the
bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but
you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a
gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says
The bartender asks, "One
thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The Scotsman replies, "My
second wish was for a chick with long legs."
An Englishman walks into a pub
with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tell everyone in
the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical
instrument in the world."
Everyone in the pub laughs,
calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an
instrument that the octopus can't play.
A Welshman walks up with a
guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up
the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his
Another Englishman walks up
with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles
Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with
some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them
in a confused fashion for several minutes.
"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye
nae play it?"
The octopus looks up at him
and says, "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out
hove to get it's pajamas off?"
A Scottish minister was making
his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings. One of
his parishioners gave but with a stingy attitude for parting with his
money without receiving something in return. As he put the gift away, the
minister commented dryly, "The Good Book says tha Lord loves a cheerful
giver, but the Church o' Scotland canna be so choosy."
Submitted by Royce McNeill,
It is reported that a Scotsman
in North Carolina is so stingy he won't even give his cold to Contac.
In North Carolina there's a
Scot who is noted for his thrift. He never goes hunting because he can't
find a store that sell used bullets.
Submitted by Royce McNeill,