|I have received many emails on the subject of "How
could something like a haggis evolve?", so as always, in my search for the truth, I
have painstakingly sifted through ancient documents, scrolls, papyrus and a pile of old
Christmas cards, and then I stumbled upon a find of epic proportions! There are no
photographs of haggis anywhere! Search the web all you like, read every copy of National
Geographic ever written, you will not find one picture of haggis. Granted there are a few
"artists impressions" out there, but no actual photographs.
I decided to become the first person to publish a photo' of a haggis, and
armed with my trusty box Brownie, a tripod made from bits of hazel stick, and with
thoughts of fame, fortune and gorgeous women on my mind, I ventured off into the hills. I
spend night after night sleeping rough (until I found the lumps, and turned the mattress
over). Then one evening, I heard in the distance, the sound of the 'pipes. I knew it was
either haggis mating, or yet another novice piper thrown out of town to practice, and
started off in the direction of the sound.
As I approached the source of the sound, I observed a sight
which will forever be imprinted in my memory - two haggis engaged in a mating ritual! My
heart stopped! Fame and fortune didn't have a look in! I would be the first to capture not
only the haggis on film, but to be able to record this event for all to see - future
generations would remember my name - women would flock to my door, I'd tour the world
giving lectures on haggis, heads of state would nod while passing me in the street! I'd be
set up for life!
Stealthily, I set up my photographic equipment, and waited,
then came the moment of truth. Click! Captured for posterity, for the world to see! Now,
wind the film on until the next number shows in the wee red window, and Click! again - I
used a whole roll of film on the sight (a whole 12 exposures), hang the expense, this was
world shattering news! It did cross my mind perhaps I should have used colour film, but
that was stretching it a wee bit too far.
As I left the scene, I could hardly wait - I rushed back
home, my hands shaking as I removed the film from the camera, and loaded it into the tank.
This was better than the winning lottery ticket! Then I examined the negatives, looking
for the best one to print ... nothing ... just a sort of fuzziness where the haggis ought
to be ... every one the same. I was heartbroken - the gorgeous babes I had imagined
flocking to my door vanished, and in their place would come double glazing salesmen,
insurance salesmen, and Jehovah's Witnesses.
What had happened? I printed the "best" picture,
and enhanced it digitally, and yes, there was a haggis shaped blob there, but no detail.
Suddenly I had an idea! The haggis must be able to bend light in some way! They must have
a natural camouflage. I decided to borrow a VCR and a digital camera - just in case they
could somehow affect photographic film. Sadly, the results returned from all other kinds
of recording media were the same. No pictures.
Disheartened, I sat in the solitude of my bedroom, when the
idea came to me - radioactivity!!! Haggis are radioactive! A new theory! It fits! Why do
haggis thrive in Scotland? Because the parts of Scotland haggis thrive best are the
Highlands, and what kind of rock is prevalent there? Granite - which has a long half-life.
Do haggis need radiation to thrive? Do they actually feed on radiation? Are they in fact
not native to this planet after all, but perhaps some pets from a UFO which landed
hundreds if not thousands of years ago, and escaped? Yes! A new theory, and one which is
beginning to make sense, and to explain much about this fascinating animal.
All I can say for the moment is I am engaged in some
ground-breaking research, once more venturing into the hills, and the results of this will
be published first here on this website! Fame and fortune (and the babes) will yet be mine
... keep coming back for more ... sooner or later I will crack the riddle of the haggis.
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