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Do Haggis celebrate Easter?

(This was in response to a question from Norma McPherson.)

> Happy Easter - do haggis celebrate Easter?

A Happy Easter to you.

As for your question, "Do Haggis celebrate Easter?", I have to say that, although in some places, there is some strange legend about rabbits laying chocolate eggs, here in Scotland, we have no such frivolous and obviously false tales.

I mean, think about it for a moment. You tell your kids, "Hey, kids, the Easter Bunny's been here and laid eggs all over the garden!" What kind of a tale is that to relate to kids? They rush out there, looking for eggs, and invariably eat them right away! Mostly they throw up lots afterwards and their parents ask why?

Think about the hygiene issues for a start. Would you really want to eat something that had just been up a rabbits rear end without giving it a thorough wash first? Come on, be realistic. Then again think about the size of the eggs. Yes, I know there are some small ones, but have you seen the size of some of these eggs to [supposedly] come out of a rabbit?

If a rabbit had laid one of those, I think we'd find it not too far away gasping in relief from having had something like that pass through its digestive system. How on earth does a rabbit not only manage to lay something like a six inch diameter chocolate egg, wrapped in shiny silver paper with pretty decorations on it, but avoid screaming in pain during the process? Surely most of the kids that believe in the Easter Bunny should waken up during the night and run terrified to their parents wondering what the unholy row is. Kids believe in this sort of thing, they're so gullible, and yet they find it difficult to believe in a three legged aquatic, avian, mammal like the haggis. What is wrong with this world?

Now, what I think happened is that Easter Bunnies, do exist, but that many years ago they made such a fuss about being so cute and fluffy and cuddly, that they really REALLY irritated all the other animals to the point where all the others had a meeting to decide what could be done to silence them.

Suggestions like mass genocide (or should that be mass rabbicide?), deportation to Australia, designer diseases and the like were all suggested, but due to the overall inherent kindness of the other animals, all were turned down.

As is the norm with all meetings, there was a break for lunch, which in those days consisted of chocolate eggs, and during the lunch break, an Easter Bunny wandered into the proceedings asking what was going on. The stoat replied that the rabbits were excluded from the meeting, to which the rabbit said, "How can you do such a thing to me, after all, I'm so cute and fluffy and cuddly - in fact, I'm the cutest and fluffiest and cuddliest of all the animals?"

At the time, the elephant was a little put out, because he was considered to be fluffy, cute and cuddly (that was before the crocodile attacked him with a razor and a portable air compressor - did you know elephants used to be small, cute and cuddly, as well as fluffy?).

The panda was a wee bit miffed as well, because after all, even before the kangaroo gave him his black eyes in a small disagreement over the bamboo shoots (which the kangaroo misheard and thought it was some kind of new liqueur), he did look quite cute, fluffy and cuddly.

It didn't go down terribly well with the koala either, but he was far too shy to say anything about it. In fact, all the animals thought they were at least as cute and fluffy and cuddly as the rabbits, but they were all too well mannered to say so. Only the haggis knew they weren't cute and cuddly, in fact, they knew haggis were thought of as downright ugly by most of the others.

So, the haggis, having had a few whiskys (he was from Glasgow anyway), turned to the rabbit, and said, "See you Jimmy, if you don't shut up aboot being so cute and cuddly and fluffy right now, ah'm gonna' stuff this chocolate egg so far doon yer throat, it'll come oot the ither end!"

The rabbit's reply of "Oh yeah, you and whose army?" didn't quite come out like that, but more, "Oh yeah, you and whose ... aaargh!"

Of course, all the other animals while secretly delighted at how the rabbit had finally been silenced, couldn't show their approval openly, and so the poor haggis had to be disciplined for his actions. The other animals decided to restrict him to one country only, but as compensation, they picked the most beautiful country in the world - Scotland.

So you see, now you have the Easter Bunny, but you could so easily have had an Easter Haggis!

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