STORIES SAVED (and adapted) FROM VARIOUS SOURCES (including the Glasgow Herald Diary) and contributed by John Henderson. Closed Door A young Glasgow chap was asking his pal how he had got on with the girl he had met while out clubbing the night before. "I asked her four times if I could see her home," he replied in exasperation. "Eventually, she said that if I was that keen to see it she'd send me a picture of it." ----- Mud in Your Eye A Scottish holidaymaker in Turkey announced to fellow holidaymakers, after reading the tour itinerary: "Hey, it's mud bath day today." Moments later, the assembled breakfast table of English holidaymakers started singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you." ----- Cold Calling A friend in Washingston got in touch to explain why President Bush is allowing the west's relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin to deteriorate. "Bush thinks," he told me, "a new Cold War will solve global warming." ----- Where There's Smoke... There is one-upmanship developing in Scottish churches after they were told to put up No Smoking signs by law. It is known that Holy Name Church in Glasgow installed a sign in Latin. Now St Simon's in Partick has a reproduction of a seventeenth-century order from the Spanish Inquisition. It translates, as: "The Holy Office will impose severe and exemplary punishment on each and every Christian who with wicked skills inhales or expels smoke through any of their natural orifices, using for the purpose the tobacco plant, cursed in the New World. Whoever they may be, let them comply with this." Parish priest Fr Willy Slavin thinks its origins might help explain the fervour that attaches itself to modern prohibitionism. ----- Dentist Seen in dentist waiting room this AM, child awaiting an injection, doc says which arm? Child answers. Yours. ----- Ale Imitation When the chairman of Goodyear was visiting the company's then tyre company in Glasgow, it was decided to take him for a haggis dinner, which would be piped in, and then the chairman and the piper would be given a glass of whisky to toast the haggis. The American PR executive who came with the chairman quickly pointed out that his man was teetotal and must only be given ginger ale. So he watched anxiously as the toasts went ahead and then told the hotel manager: "Thank God that went off OK - think of the awful consequences if the drinks had got mixed up, and the chairman had got the whisky!" "That's nothing," replied the manager. "You couldn't imagine the consequences if the piper had got the ginger ale." ----- Out Of Sight Did you hear about the girl who told her pals: "I went to the shop to buy a pair of trendy camouflage trousers. But I couldn't see any." ----- Soak It SCOTLAND'S monsoon weather reminds Jack of a colleague recalling his days stationed in Germany with the Scots Guards, and being ordered by the sergeant to go out and water the roses in the flower beds. "But sergeant," he pointed out. "It's raining." Confirming that folk in the Army don't always think the same way as others, the sergeant barked back: "So what? You've got raincoats haven't you?" ----- Emergency In America the emergency number is 911. A Irish-American phoned the normal operator to say he wanted to phone the emergency number, but his phone didn't have a number eleven on it! ----- Great Place New York. A Scots tourist taking the train from New Jersey to Penn station hears the conductor announce: "For those of you who are interested, Penn Station is next." then he went on ... "For those who aren't, it still is." ----- Card Sharp Did you hear about the little girl arriving at her nursery who proudly declared that her dad had helped teach her her numbers the day before? "What comes after five?" asked the nursery assistant. "Six," said the little girl. "And after eight?" "Nine," she replied. So the assistant tried an even harder one to test the skills of the girl's father. "And after 10?" "Jack," replied the little girl. ----- Cloud Nine A chap told he was on a plane from wet and dreary Britain to Spain last week, and when the plane reached cruising height above the clouds, the girl next to him told her boyfriend: "See - we're only 15 minutes into our holiday and the weather's brilliant already." ----- A professor was quoted as saying: "We need to improve our understanding of parasite biology: how they work, what makes them tick." ----- We Love the English! As a chap was cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn a passing gamekeeper told him: "Mon, ye dinnae want tae be drinking that - it's fu' o' coos' keech." But the chap replied: "Look, dear boy, I am English and would appreciate it if you would speak to me in English." So the gamekeeper told him: "Use both hands - you'll get more that way [...ugh!] ----- Kerry On There was a pub on the Springburn Road in Glasgow called The Kerry Inn. Its off-sales department was called The Kerry Oot." ----- Happily Unhappy PROOF that there is none so miserable as a Scot, comes the just-published book Wha's Like Us?, subtitled On the Unrealities of being Scottish by Andrew Burnside. Andrew tries to sum up what it means to be Scottish these days and his musings in the book include: We won't change. We're satisfied being dissatisfied with ourselves. Lack of initiative - a critical survival strategy for the Scot at home. It equips him to endure familiar failings, helps him avoid the criticism of getting above himself, and avoids the risk of major failure had he aspired. The Scot imagines he's a world beater; occasionally he gets glimpses of how far he falls short of that; so he returns to the comfort blanket of myth. Golf - quintessential game of the Scot. In it, you struggle against yourself forever and never quite win. ----- FLIGHT attendant Lynn tells us about a group of Glasgow chaps en route to their Mediterranean holiday destination who opened up a carry-out on the plane. Lynn went up to tell them that it was against the regulations to drink your own bevvy only to be given the explanation: "Listen, hen, we booked self-catering." ----- "Computer geeks do indeed have a sense of humour. One told me about an IT manager sharing a taxi with an electrician and a chemist. It breaks down and the driver asks his passengers if they know anything about engines. "The electrician says, 'You should check the wiring'. The chemist says, 'Try checking the fuel for contamination'. "They looked at the IT manager, who says, 'Have you tried switching it off, then back on again?'" ----- A Square Meal NOSTALGIA alert! A new edition of Alan Brown's book Craigendoran Steamers has been published to mark the sixtieth anniversary of the Waverley paddle steamer. In it, we read about speedy rival, the Jeanie Deans and its galley boy Alec, who found potato-peeling a tiresome chore. One day he completed the task quickly by simply cutting off all the sides of the potatoes. The chief steward, glancing at the tub, abruptly stopped and asked: "Hey Alec, whit's all this, square potatoes?" "Ah," replied the galley boy, "it's a wee bit rough the day, and that's tae stop them rolling off the plates." ----- Glasgow Definition of a Drunk He wis stoatin an his wallies wis floatin'! ----- Ferry Funny A woman who phoned Tam Sheldon, who operates the Lamlash Holy Isle ferry, to ask directions to the ferry. She added: "What side of the road is the pier on?" ----- A Wind-Up Three gentlemen ..... a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are out in the desert when their jeep breaks down. They decide that each must take something useful as they try to walk out. The Scot says that he will take a bottle of water. The Englishman says that he will take an umbrella to keep off the sun. The Irishman rips the door from the jeep! The other two ask, "What are we needing that for?" The Irishman looks at them scornfully and says... "Well if it gets very hot I can wind the window down." ----- Oedipus Dregs There was a lady in a bar gulping down a large pinot grigio after a day at the office who opined: "Well, if it's not one thing, it's another." Her friend, stirring her Hendriks gin and tonic, replied: "Or as my therapist puts it, If it's not one thing, it's your mother'." ----- A Cute Accent Scottish businessman Neil Gibson is wondering how strong his accent is after a trip to Oklahoma where he picked up a hire car from Hertz. The nice lady behind the counter asked if he would like satellite navigation in the car. After he agreed that it would be a good idea, she helpfully told him that he could set it to his own language, too. ----- Bill Clinton is known to have jokingly reported that his Scottish friends had suggested he be called the First Laddie if wife Hillary was elected as the next United States President. But others may think that he should be called the First Lady's Man. ----- Manna from Manning The death of Opera singer Luciano Pavarotti was actually foretold by comedian Bernard Manning - who died himself recently - in his usual unsympathetic and terse manner. Manning would tell his audiences: "So Pavarotti knocks on t'Pearly Gates. St Peter opens 'em - 'e sez 'Oh, it's you, Luciano, come on in, son, squeeze through'. "Pavarotti sez 'Ang on a minute, I've an envelope for ya, from t'Pope'. "When St Peter opens it, it sez Here's that tenor I owe ya'." ----- Explosive Pun "Did you hear about the grenade thrown through a French kitchen window?" 'Linoleum Blownapart'! ----- Not Likely! Two women were talking outside a south-side delicatessen about its takeaway food. "If you've still got morning sickness, I suppose you won't want a cake?" said one. "I'm only pregnant, not mad, you know," replied her pal. ----- Out of Tune Long-time collaborators Phil Cunningham and Aly Bain were performing at Glasgow's City Halls when Phil, chatting to the audience, told them of a Shetland accordion player who appeared on stage in his kilt. As he sat down, he wrapped the straps around his shoulders and hefted his accordion up into the playing position, not realising his kilt was lifted with it. An elderly lady in the front row summoned up the courage to ask: "Mr McDonald, do you know your willie is hanging out of your kilt?" He lent forward and said kindly: "No, I don't. Is that a Phil Cunningham tune?" ----- Patter merchant IN A Glasgow park yesterday morning in the early autumn sunshine, a cheerful passer-by went over to a buggy with a young child in it, tickled his feet to make him giggle, and then she told the little one's mother: "Babies' feet are so gorgeous - they're almost good enough to eat." This cheeriness was too much for the mother who pushed the buggy away and tersely declared: "I'm a vegetarian." ----- Lofty Line A kilted fan at Bristol Airport, heading to Paris for the memorable Scotland game eventually made it to the head of the slow-moving queue and was asked the age-old question: "Have you left your bag unattended at any time, sir?" "Ay," he was heard to reply, "It's been in the attic for the past six months." ----- Ale and hearty Two chaps were spotted sipping their pints in a west-end bar last Friday while eyeing the mature women glugging wine around them. As one of the leering chaps clutched his fourth pint of the night, he told his mate: "Know what? That woman over there with the thick make-up is looking better and better." "It's true what they say, then," replied his mate. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder." ----- High price TWO women were discussing the trials and tribulations of their teenage children in a west end coffee shop at the weekend when one of them declared: "You know the definition of a teenager, don't you? God's punishment for enjoying sex." ----- Cold Shoulder In Rome two Italians were heard chatting up a couple of young women holidaymakers whom one could tell were from Glasgow by their accents. One of the Italians was perhaps going overboard in telling one of the girls how beautiful she was. "In my country, you would be a princess," he was telling her. Not overly impressed, she replied: "And in my country you'd be selling ice-cream - Now beat it." ----- Stick With It Fresher university students are already chatting on uni message boards about what awaits them. We read on one online forum of a new student who has confessed that he is worried about fending for himself. An older, wiser student has replied with the reassuring words: "I eat quite well - you haven't lived until you've tried raw carrot dipped in chocolate spread." ----- Drunk and Dumb Proof that Glasgow's late-night buses are populated by the drunkenly half-witted comes from a conversation on Saturday night when one young chap slurred to his pal after examining his work pass: "Whit does the J in yer middle name stand fir?" "Genius," his pal replied .... perhaps unwittingly proving he was anything but. ----- Very Sharp! A Stuttgart soccer fan in Glasgow recently was heard to remark, "It's bizarre. It was so cold last night, yet all the girls here dress like they're on holiday in Italy and none of them wears socks with their stilettos." ----- Roll Up! Roll Up! When Karen Dunbar was asked what she would bring to the role of Sleeping Beauty in her first panto this year at the King's Theatre, she replied: "Sliced Sausage." ----- Customer Satisfaction Did you hear about an American visitor going into the inevitable tartan gift shop in the west of Scotland to buy a tie in his family tartan, Dunlop? The assistant can't find one on display so goes and asks the manager who realises they have no Dunlop ties. Not wanting to lose a sale, though, he tells the assistant to sell the tourist a Macintyre tie instead, as the Dunlops were a sept of the Macintyre clan. "Are you sure?" asked the assistant. "Oh, yes," said the manager, "I thought everyone knew that Dunlops have been mackin' tyres for years." ----- Chord Short THE Queen's Master of Music, Sir Peter Maxwell Davies, gave a rare public performance the other day in the remote north-coast hamlet of Durness, at a festival in memory of John Lennon, who holidayed there as a youth. The locals proudly found a piano for him to play on - but the first flurry of notes showed it was about as in tune as a drunk Japanese karaoke singer. The solution? To fly up a piano tuner from Edinburgh, as nobody with the necessary skills could be found nearby. Yet again we must blame the Highland Clearances. ----- Accidental Enterprise A tale of the chap replacing a 6ft-long fluorescent striplight in his kitchen, and being told that the dustmen wouldn't take away the dud tube, decided to take it to work with him where it could be easily disposed in his company's large bins. Getting on the underground, he noticed the carriage becoming increasingly busy, so he held the light up above his head. However, two other passengers who squeezed on thought it was a handrail and held on at either end. At the next stop, the chap simply got off, leaving them with the dud striplight. ----- Job Reference Once an employer on a testimonial for an employee who was regularly absent, wrote: "A man like him is hard to find." ----- Another Job Reference Not wanting to scupper his chances of off-loading his assistant, but not wanting to mislead a new employer, a manager solved the dilemma by giving the glowing reference, "You will indeed be lucky if you get this man to work for you." ----- A Poser! "What makes a woman's mind work?" "Giving her flowers for no reason." ----- Yet Another Job Reference Chief Pharmacist's testamonial for an assistant applying elsewhere for a new appointment ... "He dispensed with accuracy." ----- Barking Mad Did you hear about the dog going into a telegraph office, taking a blank form and writing: "Woof woof woof. Woof, woof. Woof. Woof woof, woof." The clerk tells him that there are only nine words, and for the same price he could send another "Woof". The dog looked confused and replied: "But that would make no sense at all." ----- Pee Stop and ... the story of the Glaswegian taking his first Mediterranean cruise who, once on board, asks a steward: "Where's the lavvy?" The steward points left and says: "Port side, Sir." "Crivvens!" cries out the desperate Glaswegian. "Can ye no' stoap at Gibraltar?" ----- No-Win A chap in the pub asked his mate if he still played games with his wife. "Yes," he replied. "We play this game where we sit making sarcastic remarks at each other until one of us finally cracks and leaves home. Been playing it for years, but no-one's won it yet." ----- Gentlemen! Remember the "ABCXYZ of Public Speaking". When you stand up - "Always Be Cheerful and Check Your Zip". ----- Little Wonders A piano instructor recently asked her pupils what Christmas carols they wished to learn over the next few weeks. One of her young charges wanted to learn one she spotted in her piano book - 'Three Wee Kings'. It's presumably the Scottish version of a more traditional favourite? ----- Positively Negative With the crucial Georgia v Scotland game now only a day away, the mood of Tartan Army supporters was probably best summed up by the T-shirt worn by a fan at the Ukraine game which bore the slogan: "I can handle the despair - it's the optimism I can't stand." ----- Here's Tae Ewe A GAEL attending the National Mod in Fort William was telling fellow contestants that he and other Western Isles crofters had their own website, Heatherislemeat, selling mutton over the internet. The difficulty, he added, was getting the website some publicity. "Could you not put it on EweTube?" asked a listener. ----- Preventive Measures A passer-by was impressed by the clearly pregnant young woman she spotted who was wearing a T-shirt with the slogan "I Should Have Danced All Night", but she felt the little boy she saw with the T-shirt slogan "Humpty-Dumpty was pushed" was being unduly cynical. ----- Put Down! The revised edition of David Ross's book of Scottish insults, quotes and abuse - Awa' An' Bile Yer Heid! - has the story of Sir Alex Ferguson, when a young Glasgow Rangers footballer, storming into manager Scott Symon's office and asking why he had been in the second team for three weeks. "Because we don't have a third team," replied Symon. ----- Logic You've got to admire the logic of the woman in a Starbucks at the weekend who told her pal: "Don't tell me worrying is a waste of time - nothing I worry about ever happens." ----- 'Chip' On The Shoulder A Scot watching the England v South Africa Rugby World Cup final in a smart bar in Clapham, England, surrounded by loud Ruperts and Camillas, saw the Irish referee award a penalty against England. Immediately one of the toffs screeched: "What was thet faw?" A lone Irish voice piped up: "The potato famine." ----- Age-old Problem A couple of retired chaps in Paisley were discussing the pros and cons of growing old when one of them declared that he was now growing so much hair on his back that his wife told him that she didn't know whether to cuddle him or stroke him. ----- Keeping Up Traditions Recently Jack Smith was asked to speak at the civil partnership ceremony of two male friends which gave him the opportunity to announce to the gathering of friends and family: "This is the point in the ceremony where it is traditional to toast the queen." ----- Out of The Mouths of Babes .... Peggy. a four-year-old grandchild climbed up on Fred's knee and said: "Grandad, do you know that Jack's grandma has died?" "Oh, that is sad," Fred replied. "No, it's all right," she told him, "she's got another one." ----- Off-Balance "Bank staff are getting cheekier," the woman in the new Logieburn shopping centre was telling her pal. "I went in and asked the cashier to check my balance and the young lad there asked me to stand on one foot with my arms outstretched." ----- Apt! When I was touring Toronto harbour I spotted a yacht which I later discovered was owned by a successful alcoholism counsellor - it was called 'Cirrhosis of the River'. ----- Incongruity! I hear that one of the students at Lochaber College in Fort William this year is - Isla Mann. ----- Pull the Other One! My mate who was at a 'stag night' up north in Aviemore last weekend phoned me from the pub to say, "There is a guy here selling eight legs of venison for £100 ....... - do you think it's too dear? ----- Dig It! Did you hear about the little lad who was digging a hole in his garden when a next door neighbour looked over the fence to ask what he was doing. "Burying my dead budgie," the boy replied. "You don't need a hole that big," she told him. "I do," he replied. "It's still in your cat." ----- Weak Excuse A 91 year-old regular in Ayr's Brig Bar, visited the doctor to tell him his right leg sometimes went a bit weak and he had difficulty walking. The doctor examined him and said it appeared to be old age and the leg was getting tired - to which Davie replied that his left leg was the same age and did not cause him bother. ----- Tee Rest for Tiger Taking a wee break from the Old Course, St. Andrews, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into a petrol station. As he gets out, two tees fall from his pocket. "So whit are them things, laddie?" asks the rather dim-witted attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "An whit wid ye be yaisin 'em fur, noo?" inquires the attendant. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Michty me," exclaims his interlocutor. "Thon fellas at Mercedes hiv thocht o ivv'rythin." ----- Success On A Plate A former Glaswegian noticed while following the fortunes of the Texas A&M University American Football team from his wife's hometown of College Station, Texas, that they have a young 6ft 5in, 22st Offensive Guard whose standing in the community would be assured if he decided to settle in Scotland. ..... His name is Kirk Elder. Frank suggests that his physical presence would be an even bigger asset there, particularly at church collection times. ----- A Hotline Abbreviations can remind us of the perpetual joke about the patient being wheeled into the emergency room from the ambulance muttering in delirium, 'Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!' In the background a nurse can be heard calling urgently for a porter to take the patient to the .... yes, you've guessed .... the Burns Unit." ----- Don't Use Him If you need a reference for a job then don't think of using this man. One of his work colleagues in London asked him to provide a personal reference as he had applied for a position in the Ministry of Defence. One of the questions was: "Is he loyal to the Crown?" To which the said referee had responded: "He never drinks anywhere else." ----- Fizz, Bang, Wallop The approaching festive season reminds us of the chap opening a bottle of fizzy wine on Christmas morning who accidentally hit himself in the eye with the cork and let out a loud yelp. His wife rushed through from the kitchen, and seeing the bottle, asked: "Champagne?" "No," he whimpered. "It really was very sore." ----- Another Half The centre of Glasgow was assailed the other week by large numbers of 'ladies-who-lunch seeking further refreshment after a charity lunch at the Hilton. One chap in a smart bar was approached by one such lady who gently swayed in front of him and told him: "You look like my third husband." "Bloody hell," he told her. "How many husbands have you had?" "Two," she replied. ----- Weight Off Her Mind A new mum joined a slimming group in Edinburgh to lose weight after the birth of her baby. As the rest of the class cooed over the little one, one of the other ladies, to help her get on with the meeting, told her she would look after the baby. "Brilliant," said the mum handing the child over, "I'll come back and collect him when he's 21." ----- Bigger Picture Two chaps were discussing the merits of the Ayrshire town of Troon, with one arguing that it was no longer just a large retiral home and was now popular with younger commuters. His mate, though, was having none of it, and responded, "There's so many old folk in Troon that most of the shop windows are made out of bifocal glass." ----- Gie's a Break A Glasgow 'ned'was claiming that he drank brake fluid, but argued he was not addicted to it. "I can stop anytime," he declared. ----- Time to Pay Up A Paisley taxi driver, unable to wake a fare in the back, drove him to the local police station where an officer looked at the meter, shook the chap awake and told him that if he didn't pay the £20.15 owed he would spend a night in the cells. The dozy drunk immediately snapped upright and declared: "Wait a minute! The driver was saying it was only seven quid!" The officer, it seems, had read the taxi's clock, which was at quarter past eight, rather than the meter, but at least it got the passenger's attention. ----- Nothing in Common As a Scot working in London, Martin Harris is occasionally misheard owing to his accent. Not as much, though, as two American tourists he heard about who hailed a taxi, wanting to go to the latest exhibition in the city and told the driver "Tutankhamun". They were driven across the city and dropped a good four miles away - on Tooting Common. ----- Cairo Calling Did you hear about the Egyptian who settled in Glasgow and took a job as a private hire cab driver? He was soon given the nickname by his colleagues of Tootandcomeoot. ----- How! There is a story told that some native Americans, billeted in Dennistoun, Glasgow strolled along Duke Street and stared in at a barber's window which displayed wigs, and believed the barber was a great warrior for taking so many scalps. ----- Cross Purposes I heard about a bus tour in Austria where the driver stopped opposite a large cemetery and announced it contained the grave of the inventor of crossword puzzles. The tourists were suitably impressed, and those on the wrong side of the bus stood up to get a better view, and a few people produced cameras. One of them asked the driver which grave. He replied, "Three down and four across" - and started the bus on its way again." ----- Cinderella Man I hear that the English Football Association should have been concerned when its then manager, Steve McClaren, went out at Hallowe'en dressed as a pumpkin. Apparently it was a desperate attempt by him to turn into a coach at midnight. ----- Message From The Scottish Government: "Agent McClaren. Come home. Your work is done." ----- Operational Difficulty Did you hear about the mother determined to take care of her brood, who bought a large self-help medical tome. When she got it home and opened it, she discovered that someone had removed the appendix. ----- Shining Example Bill was passing a shoe-shining stand in Dublin when the chap asked if he wanted his shoes worked on. Bill could only stand there and let the chap see how well-polished his shoes already were. After a short pause, the shoe-shiner asked: "Do you want a job?" ----- Enterprise A friend of mine overheard his daughter tell her pals that she and her sister had a kitten each. "How did you persuade your dad to let you have one each?" asked a pal. "Easy," replied his daughter. "We started off asking for a pony and let him negotiate us down to a kitten each." ----- Irish! Did you know that in one of the Kilkenny bars the publican asked friends of mine if they had a mobile phone, and then added: "You see this is just like the Wild West - you have to hand in your phones and they're kept behind the bar till you leave." Behind him were 10 mobiles lined up, presumably to stop phone conversations disturbing the bar's ambience. ----- Days of Plunder A GRANNY was telling her family: "It's changed days these days. I remember you could go to the shops with less than a pound and still be able to come back with a dozen eggs, a chicken, sausages and a tin of custard." "That's inflation for you," her son piped up. "Inflation nothing," replied granny. "It's all these security cameras they have in the shops these days." ----- Ouch! Did you hear that Laura Bush bought husband George a parrot, and later told Dick Cheney, "That bird is so smart! George has taught him more than 200 words!" But Cheney told her, "You do realise he's not that smart. He's just saying the words without understanding what they mean." "That's OK, said Laura. Neither does the parrot." ----- Testing A tale from North Carolina about a toy called Tickle me Elmo which is very popular in the US; you tickle its armpits and it makes a giggling sound. Extra help was hired for the festive season to help with final testing and packaging. A manager, however, noticed one woman worker's production line was backed up with Elmos stacked to the roof. He watched the woman to diagnose the problem and saw her take two marbles, put them in a small felt pouch and hand sew it between Elmos's legs. "What are you doing?" the manager asked. "Well, sir," she replied, "I was hired for final testing and packaging and I was told that prior to placing the Elmos in the boxes each was to have two test tickles." ----- This Is What Marriage Is Really All About ! The husband ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He then placed one half in front of his wife. He also carefully counted out the French fries, and, dividing them into two piles he neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink. His wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine as they were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered NOW READER ...... WAIT FOR IT THE TEETH. ----- Par For The Course A reporter told Phil Mickelson: "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied: "The holes are numbered." ----- A Prayer For The Hectic Holiday Period Dear God, So far today I've done all right I haven't gossiped I haven't lost my temper I haven't lied or cheated I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. ----- A Shaggy Nut Story Here's a story about Bob, a rent-collector in Aberdeen, who used to visit the housebound to take their cash if they couldn't get to the rent office up town. One pensioner would occasionally give him a bag of almonds to share in the office. Then, one year near Christmas, Bob plucked up courage to ask the old man why, instead of giving him the nuts, he didn't just eat them himself that Christmas. "Och, nae laddie," the old lad said. "I jist like the sugar-coatin' on them." ----- Och Nae Whisky As a postman in a previous life, a friend of mine was delivering the mail on a horrible morning just before Christmas. It was blowing a gale with rain, sleet and snow. He knocked on the door of a house which was opened by a dear old woman. She said: "Oh, look at you, son." (He was soaked to the skin.) "What a state you are in. Would you like an orange?" He replied: "That's very kind of you to offer, but no thanks." She then said: "Would you like a hauf?" Postie's eyes lit up. "That would be great." She replied: "Just wait till I get a knife." ----- Ps and Bs An infant class teacher was handed a Christmas card on which was written, "To the pest teacher in the school" . ******************************************************************** Lost for Words Are there fewer of these clean-cut young American Mormon missionaries going around the doors these days? One Cambuslang woman claims that two Mormons came to her door one day when it was particularly wet and chilly outside. Instead of just shooing them away she invited them in, sat them down and asked: "So what do you want to tell me?" "I don't know," stuttered one of the Mormons. "We've never actually been invited inside before." ******************************************************************** Ughhh! A chap told me: "I got out the Christmas decorations and among them I found a present for the kids which I'd forgotten to give them last year. Imagine how excited they were. "Pity it was a puppy." ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* Best Foot Forward A chap was overheard on an Edinburgh bus describe a friend as shoe daft, who buys shoes "left, right and centre". ******************************************************** Dead Funny A chap taking an early-morning constitutional through his local cemetery saw a fellow walker, and shouted out a cheery "Morning!" But the fellow he saw shouted back: "No. Just walking my dog." ********************************************************************** Fly To The Cairngorms What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. ********************************************************************** Cheers! A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion where he kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a table nearby. His wife asked: "Do you know her?" "Yes," he sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and hear she hasn't been sober since." "Gosh," said his wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ********************************************************************* Salacious Headline An escaped inmate from a mental hospital sexually assaulted several women in a 'steamie' (laundry) and ran off. The headline over the newspaper article in those long-ago, pre-political correctness days was: "Nuts screws washers and bolts." ********************************************************************* Nun's Story An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"? The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch." ***************************************************************** *********************************************************************** ******************************************************************************************************************* Penny For Your Thoughts A radio quiz contestant was asked for the name of M's secretary in the James Bond series. He hummed and hawed for ages, convinced he knew the answer, but couldn't quite get it. Then, just as the DJ was about to call time, he blurted out: "I've got it, I've got it ...... Miss Funnymoney." **************************************************************************** Pillar Of The Community Did you know that in the New Year Honours List, that a Dr Donald Buttress has been awarded an OBE for "services to the conservation of cathedrals"? ****************************************************************** Managerial Malapropisms There was a factory manager famous for his mixed-up words: "Ah don't want to change anything; ah prefer the quo vadis"! and ..... after visiting a sick employee, he opined: "That flat was so damp the compensation was runnin' doon the wa's." ******************************************************************* No Date Sale A customer went into a well-known stationer's in Ayr seeking a Tolkien calendar for his daughter's Christmas. Not seeing the item on view, he requested help from a young assistant who thought for a moment and then confidently replied: "I'm sorry, we don't sell talking calendars." ********************************************************************* Time To Reflect A private girls' school in the west of Scotland was recently faced with the problem of a number of 12-year-old pupils using lipstick and putting it on in the bathroom. They would then press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the janitor would remove them. The next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal called all the girls to the bathroom for a showdown with the janny. She explained that all the lip prints were causing a major problem for the poor man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked him to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then there's been no problem. *********************************************************************** Scots 'Myth' On December 31, Joan Johnston sent an American friend an e-mail wishing her a Happy Hogmanay and best wishes for 2008. On January 1, the pal sent a reply. It read: "Happy New Year and Hogmanay Day. Is that a mythical animal which spreads good cheer throughout the land?" *********************************************************************** Surrounded A man known for his tardiness arrived once again late for work. "Where the hell were you?" yelled the foreman. "There was a murder in ma street," he said. "A couldnae get oot ma close, the polis threw an accordion aroon' the block." ******************************************************************* Democracy! A bus-load of foreign visitors touring the Highlands stopped for lunch at an hotel. After eating, they adjourned to the lounge where the waitress addressed them. "Raise your hands if you want coffee. And now, if you prefer tea." Hands were raised accordingly to which the waitress announced: "The coffees have it." She then swept out of the diningroom to the kitchen. ****************************************************************** Would You Credit That? If you have watched the new, glossy American legal drama, Damages, on BBC1, you may have noticed in the credits that one of the characters was played by that well-known, poverty-stricken Scottish actor - Noah Bean. ******************************************************************* She Asked For It! A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Fur yir feet are nae empty." ******************************************************************* God Knows The children were lined up in the refectory of an R.C. elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples where one of the nuns had made a note, and had posted it beside the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note there, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ********************************************************************* Worry Lines One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Well Mum how is it that ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ********************************************************************* Lost In Translation On a sightseeing coach tour in Cyprus a guide was giving his group his spiel in very broken English. At one point he said: "You ask me, what is difference between Catholic Church and Greek Orthodox." "I tell you." " It is phallus of Immaculate Construction." ***************************************************************************** Revolting Vegetables Our cleaner used to regale us every Monday with a full report on the film she had seen that weekend. One day she told us excitedly of a Roman epic about a revolt of slaves starring Kirk Douglas. She struggled briefly to recall its title followed by a gleam in her eye as she triumphantly cried: "Ay, that was it - ASPARAGUS." ***************************************************************************** Split Definitives THE Washington Post asked readers to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are: Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. Balderdash n. A rapidly receding hairline. ************************************************************************ *********************************************************************** Happiness At A Price Says a lady from Morningside, "Anyone who claims that money can't buy happiness clearly doesn't know where to shop." ******************************************************************** The Real McCoy It was indeed reported that champion jockey Tony McCoy was in a "stable condition" after being injured in a fall. ********************************************************************* Eyesight THE woman ordering up a giant meringue in Fifi and Ally's coffee shop in Glasgow was easily overheard as she told her pal: "So I just said to my boss, There's something I'd like to get off my chest.' When he asked, What?' .... I told him, 'YOUR EYES'." ********************************************************************** How Old? Glesgae exile living in Edinburgh, Margaret, remembers her daughter asking her granny: "How old are you, granny" and being told, "Sweetheart, I'm as old as Methuselah." This information was digested before the young girl asked: "But granny, how old is your thuselah?" ********************************************************************** Old Habits At Primaries Time Did you hear about Hillary Clinton being aghast to discover during a routine physical that she was pregnant. Furious at the disruption it would cause to her campaign, she phoned husband Bill and launched a tirade. "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks' pregnant and it is all your fault!" There was silence at the other end of the phone until Bill eventually asked quietly: "Who is this?" ********************************************************************** Headcase A medical student at a local psychiatric hospital tells of working for a Dr Aitkenhead. ************************************************************************ Local On Tap An inebriated local stared in at the Spanish menu before wandering into a Glasgow tapas bar. There he asked Michael the barman: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?" As Michael expressed no knowledge of Spanish bulb-changing practices, the local told him: "Just Juan!" before weaving back out the door. ****************************************************************************** Hymn 365 ...... [Thanks to Tom Patrick (ex-Kilsyth) in Canada] A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The choirmaster stood very cautiously and announced, with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing hymn, Let us sing: Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River..." **************************************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************************* Sounding Off An infant teacher was revising sounds and was doing well till she asked what began with "n". "Nits!" yelled one wee girl. "I had them last week and my mum said I wasn't to tell anyone." ********************************************************************************************* Pudding Down Did you hear about a Burns Supper in Houston, Texas, where the haggis flown out from Scotland was in a coolbox which had been punctured, so the hotel ruled that it was unsafe to serve under food safety regulations. Instead, the cold haggis was paraded before the audience with the event's chieftain, solemnly and formally condemning the poor beastie as unfit for human consumption. Many of the company present felt that was a general held view on all forms of haggis! ***************************************************************************************************** Haud Oan! On a tour bus to the Lake District a husband passed a holdall to his wife and told her: "Here, haud this till we git aff." Unhappy with the arrangements, she snapped back: "Ah huv tae haud ev'rythin." "No really," replied hubby. "Ye dinna haud yer tongue." *************************************************************************************************** Up For It Willie was at a cardiac rehabilitation class where the po-faced nurse said the men could have sex once they were able to climb two flights of stairs without getting breathless. "Suits me," said Willie. "I live in a bungalow." ****************************************************************************************************** A Little Light Relief Monday's huge drop in the stockmarket was being discussed in an Edinburgh bar at lunchtime yesterday by three stockbrokers, with one of them bravely declaring: "Well I slept like a baby last night." Then added: "I woke up every hour and cried." ******************************************************************************************************* Dim Witted Optimist Did you hear of the lad who, not being the brightest of fellows, spent two days queuing up outside a theatre for a show called 'Closed for the Winter'. ******************************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************* Fence Stting A student in Glasgow's Campus bar was telling his pals about the letter he sent to his gran, thanking her for the cheque for thirty quid she had sent him at Christmas. He told her he'd spent it on a jumper. (N.B. 'jumper' is the usual Scottish word for a jersey or pullover) "It seemed the easiest way of saying I'd opened an online betting account with Ladbrokes," ************************************************************************* End Game A chicken walks up to a duck standing at the side of the road, and tells him, "Don't do it mate - you'll never hear the end of it." ****************************************************************************************************** Nothing To It! WE overhear a woman in a west end coffee shop tell her pal: "I've taken up meditation - well, it beats sitting around doing nothing." ******************************************************************************************************** Tough, Eh? The school that was so tough that even the arms on the chairs had tattoos was tame compared to ours - our weekly school magazine had an obituary column. ******************************************************************************************************** Estate Planning Dan was a single man living at home with his father and working in the family business. Then he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. So he decided he needed a wife with whom to share it. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit millions" Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. [Thanks to Don Henshaw in CA, USA for that one.] ********************************************************************************************************** Stay Healthy A chap was so fed up with a pale-faced youth who was smoking upstairs on a bus that he told him that it was bad for his health. The youth replied that his grandfather had lived till he was 96. "Did he smoke?" asked the chap. "Naw," replied the youth. "He jist minded his ain business." ******************************************************************************************************** Cold Comfort "It was so cold today, said the guy warming himself in a Glasgow pub on Friday night, even lawyers had their hands in their own pockets." ********************************************************************************************************* Don't Get Stuck Post office queues have become tetchy places these days. One woman who was weighing a parcel had the necessary stamps passed through the little gap to her side of the counter. "Do I stick them on myself?" she asked the assistant. "No, the parcel," he replied. ******************************************************************************* ******************************************************************************* Nothing Better A brave lad in the pub tells his pal: "I told the wife I was going to get her a diamond bracelet for Valentine's Day. She said nothing would please her more." And after a gulp of his pint he added: "So, I'm getting her nothing instead." ***************************************************************************************** Don't Shop Them It is known that a Hebridean island mobile shop has taken to dispensing strong ales and liquor from under the counter to needy customers, but does not have the appropriate licence. Locals now call the van the "drambulance". ******************************************************************************************* The Elephant A naked man is running through the jungle when he is stopped by an elephant. "That is very cute" said the elephant "but can it pick up buns?" ********************************************************************************************* Caught Short? An e-mail from ScottishPower to a customer about his contract with it being terminated is said to have concluded with: "Please accept our apology for any incontinence this has caused." The customer is said to have thought to himself: "How big a surprise did they think the letter was going to be?" ************************************************************************************************** Adam and Eve Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" ********************************************************************************************************** Upstager A Hebridean cheil who has converted his loft into a mini-public house for himself and his pals calls it the Dram Attic Society. ********************************************************************************************************** *********************************************************************************************************** Who Believes What? A small midwestern USA town entrepreneur built a bar next door to a church, This enraged the congregation so much that they prayed it would never open. The night before the grand opening it was struck by lightning and burned to the ground ..... so the bar owner sued the church - who denied all responsibility. In court, the judge commented: "So we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." ********************************************************************************************************** Jist Nae Richt! A chap in a pub said to his pal, "Did ye ken thit 60% o' 16-year-old girls in oor toon's hoosin schemes are regular-lik oot the gemme wi' booze?" "Thit's nae richt," said his pal, it shidnae be alloo'd. "Wha's lookin efter their kids?" ************************************************************************************************************ Quick Thinking A police officer while out on patrol with a colleague came across a teenager climbing on the roof of the local primary school late one evening. Full marks for trying, they reckoned, when they asked him what he was doing and he replied: "Ah've loast ma budgie." ************************************************************************************************************ Solitary Saloon It can be frustrating for beer-lovers when they visit Salt Lake City where the Mormon presence makes finding a bar pretty difficult. But they can take heart from an outlet at the airport advertising POLYGAMY PORTER, and its bar's chalkboard sign urging: "One is never enough, take some home to the wives." *********************************************************************************************************** SOME CORNY QUIPS I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ~~~~~ At pilots' training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make." ~~~~~ Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking." ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~ My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~ ********************************************************************************************** ********************************************************************************************** Seeing Red "WOMEN - so hard to please," said the chap in the east end boozer at the weekend. "Valentine's night, booked a table for me and the missus for eight o'clock," "But her face was still tripping her. I swear it was half eight before she'd even potted her first red." ******************************************************************************************************** A Step At A Time STANDING in the queue at the check-out of a large do-it-yourself store with a light aluminium ladder that she wanted to purchase, a reader was frustrated by the length of time being taken by the folk in front. First a barcode couldn't be read properly by the check-out girl's scanner, and the member of staff sent to find the relevant details was gone for ages. As she stood there getting more and more agitated, she caught the eye of the chap behind her who looked at the step-ladder and told her: "Bet you wish you'd just stood on a chair after all." ******************************************************************************************************** Pressing On A call-centre worker in Glasgow tells us he had to phone potential customers and ask them a few short questions. If they didn't want to, he would ask if perhaps their partner had time to answer. One woman he spoke to told him: "Ahm sorry, son, I cannae help you, ahm in the middle o' the ironing." "Perhaps your husband could help instead then," suggested the call centre chap. "Naw, son," she replied. "There's no way he'd even touch the iron." ********************************************************************************************************** Oh Dear! Did you hear about the woman telling her doctor that she couldn't sleep at nights because of all the dogs in the neighbourhood that kept on barking. He gives her some sleeping pills to try and tells her to come back in a week. When she returns to the surgery she is looking even more exhausted. "Did the pills not work?" he asked. "Ay," she replied, "but have you any idea the effort involved in getting all the dogs to take them?" ********************************************************************************************************** Get A Shift On THE bank clerk had probably just had a bad day when she was approached by a customer who asked: "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" "Move house," she replied. *********************************************************************************************************** It's A Knock-Out "I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger," a student told his pals. "And then it hit me." *********************************************************************************************************** Pounding On An old chap barged his way on board a bus while folk were still trying to get off. The driver shouted to him: "Wait, please." But he merely replied: "Ten stone," and flooped down on the nearest seat. *********************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************************************ Party Manners A mother was impressed by the manners of the little girl who arrived at her daughter's sixth birthday party and chirped as she came in the door: "In case I forget, I'd like to say that I had a very nice time." ****************************************************************************************************************** In Arrears When a famous actor was appearing in a play in London he told the producer he had to go up to Glasgow for his rectorial installation. "Is there not a hospital here in London that can do that for you?" the producer asked. ******************************************************************************* Watch Your Step! While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." (THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THIS ONE) ******************************************************************************* Well Met Did you hear of when a friend met Chic Murray in Sauchiehall Street, and immediately Chic regaled him for some considerable time with a barrage of non-stop stories, jokes and unlikely experiences, all of which had his friend in fits of laughter. Eventually it was time to go, and a puzzled Chic asked his friend: "When we met, was I coming down Sauchiehall Street or going up?" When his friend told him he was coming up the way, Chic replied: "Ah, that's OK, then. I'll have had my lunch." ******************************************************************************* Saving Grace A Sunday School teacher asked wee Willie this question- "Do you say 'Grace' before eating?" "Och, naw miss, said Willie, ma mither's a guid cook!" (THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THIS ONE as translated by John!) ******************************************************************************* Stands To Reason A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, wee Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Davie ?" "Naw, miss, bit I hate tae see ye staunin there a' by yersel!" (THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THIS ONE as translated by John!) ******************************************************************************* Cold Comfort Little Jimmy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mum?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked little Jimmy - "Giving up?" (THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THIS ONE) ******************************************************************************* ******************************************************************************* Mark Up A teacher tells of a young pupil confided in her: "I don't want to worry you, but my father said that if my marks didn't improve, somebody was going to be spanked." ******************************************************************************* Silly 'Aka' A story about a girl who called her boyfriend 'Treasure' because her friends asked him where she dug him up is reminiscent of a guy in Dundee who kept referring to his girlfriend as 'Pet'. "When a colleague remarked how nice that was, he said, "What do you mean, nice? It's short for stupet." ******************************************************************************* Emergency? Recently heard reasons for dialling '999' and calling for police assistance - from ..... a man who had two hedgehogs fighting on his lawn. from ..... a woman, in a rush to get to a garden party, asking for help to thread a needle. from ..... a man who rang to say there was a cow at his letterbox and he was scared. ******************************************************************************** Watch Who You Speak To! St Patrick's Day reminds me of the bookmakers who had a chap dressed as a leprechaun - shamrock-encrusted green hat, green jacket, knee britches etc. - to publicise a big race meeting on St Patrick's Day. A punter went up to him and said: "Don't you feel stupid dressed like that?" "Do I feel stupid?" the chap replied. "You're the one talking to a leprechaun." ********************************************************************************* Smart Alec A technician on one of the smaller radio stations in Scotland tells us of the day when a bulletin contained a particularly difficult surname of a Polish chap who was injured in a car accident locally. Staff were taking childish pleasure in whether the bumptious newsreader would stumble over it. But when it came to the name, the newsreader smoothly announced: "The driver's name has been withheld by police until relatives have been informed." ******************************************************************************** Encouched in Our Language Thanks to the joys of the free bus pass, an old pal of mine took a bus to Glasgow where he overheard two ladies discuss a friend who had been made chair of their sewing club. It seems the second lady was less than impressed as she snorted: "Chair! She's that fat it should be sofa." ********************************************************************************* Take It Or Leave It A chap in the pub was explaining to his pal that his old car had been stolen, but it was later found by the police, abandoned less than a mile away. While his pal congratulated him on his good luck, he added: "Bit embarrassing, though. The police said there was a note on the dashboard. They had written, 'We'd rather walk'." ******************************************************************************** Maternal Instinct A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup." THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THAT ONE ****************************************************************************** For What It's Worth Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" THANKS TO DON HENSHAW FOR THAT ONE ****************************************************************************** Deja Vu A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." THANKS TO DENIS IFFLA FOR THIS ONE ****************************************************************************** O'er Blessed! Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f----- candle.' THANKS TO MARK HENSHAW FOR THIS ONE ************************************************************** ************************************************************** Short Rations Passing the 'Wan Lam' restaurant in Manchester a Scots visitor to the town thought to himself: "That's an extremely limited menu." ************************************************************************** Politicopropism A local councillor was so upset at a decision taken by the council's chief officer that he announced he was considering taking the matter to the local government omnibusman. Not surprisingly, he was none the wiser when an opposition member replied: "I advise you not to do so as he will only take you for a ride". *************************************************************************** Right Royal Answer A Sunday School teacher says she received an inspired reply when she asked her class: "Who is God?". Wee Jimmy put his hand up and told her: "The man that saved the Queen." *************************************************************************** Well Done, Dad! Jenny tells a tale about her elderly father who had never done the shopping, as that was always her mum's job. Once, when her mum was a bit under the weather, her dad had to go, but with him he took a carefully-numbered list of seven items she had written out. That explained why he came back home feeling very pleased with himself, with ...... One bag of sugar, Two boxes of detergent, Three toilet rolls, Four lettuces, Five bananas, Six steaks, and Seven packets of porridge. ***************************************************************************** Getting To The Bottom Of It! A wee Glasgow laddie went up to his pregnant auntie and asked: "Why is your tummy so fat?" "There's a baby growing in there," she cheerfully told him. The little fellow digested that information for a few seconds then asked: "So what's growing in your backside?" ****************************************************************************** Ride On Would you believe what was overheard one day at Alton Towers when two teenagers were discussing one of the scarier rides at the theme park? "If we turn upside down, do you think we'll fall out?" said one. "Naw," the other replied. "We've been mates since we were at primary school." ****************************************************************************** Good Intentions A holidaymaker in Minorca tried out her Spanish on the local butcher by wishing him a Happy New Year - "feliz ano nuevo" and wondered why he threw her such a dirty look. Unfortunately, she had mispronounced ano - it should have been año, like señor, and had wished him a happy new bottom, which didn't help as he had just had an operation for haemorrhoids. ******************************************************************************** Wishful Thinking As this is George W Bush's final presidential year, I should squeeze in a farewell gag: There's the one about wife Laura turning to George and saying: "We have a free weekend, darling. What would you like to do?" "Oh, I'm not sure," replies George. "Let's think." "No," says Laura. "Let's do something you can do, too." *********************************************************************** Unlisted Did you hear about a chap in a supermarket going over to an attractive young woman and looking over her shoulder at her shopping list? No! Well .... when she turned, looking a bit startled, he told her: "Sorry, I was just seeing if I was on your list of things to pick up." "No way," she replied. "You're past your sell-by date." *********************************************************************** Smart Match Glasgow Rangers FC European win last week reminded a former worker at what was the Weir Pumps factory in Cathcart of the time they had a few good players on the staff who turned out for clubs such as Pollok Juniors and Clyde. So they had the idea of contacting their European suppliers to see if they could organise a works game or two which could be a bit of a European jaunt for some of the lads. The best reply they got was from electronics giant Philips in the Netherlands, which stated: "We think your idea is brilliant and can only foster good relations between our countries. Our works team play Real Madrid in the final of the European Cup next week and once that's out of the way I will get back to you." It was signed by the secretary of PSV Eindhoven, whose full name is Philips Sport Vereniging Eindhoven, and which, indeed, began life as the sports club of Philips. *********************************************************************** Because ..... An old friend, phoned me and asked me to speak at his club dinner and said he was inviting me for sediment reasons. " Don't you mean sentimental reasons?' I asked him. " No, sediment,' he told me. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel'." ************************************************************************ Whoa! A lady who pulled into a car park with her labrador puppy in the back of her 4x4 was just nipping into the shops for a minute, walked to the kerb backwards, then held up her hand towards the car and said sternly: "Stay!" A chap passing her asked: "Can you no' use the hand-brake like everyone else?" ************************************************************************ **************************************************************************** Hotel Trouble A Scot now living in America, heavy with child, tells us she and her husband checked out the local hospital where the baby was due to be born, and discovered the facilities were more like a hotel. The birthing room had a spa bath, soft music and candles. "What do you think?" she asked her husband. "It was a place like this," he replied, "that got us into this trouble in the first place." ****************************************************************************************************************** Anagrammy Mammy "Isn't it interesting," said the old lad in the pub the other night, "that when you rearrange the letters in mother-in-law it spells woman Hitler." ******************************************************************************************************************* Hard Cheese You'll like this description of a mother-in-law. .......... She was so scary-looking that the mice threw themselves on the traps when she came into a room." ************************************************************************************************************************* Swallow That! "The brakes on my new Skoda may be spongy," said a proud owner, "but changing the tyres is a piece of cake." ******************************************************************************************************************** Sized Up THE woman ordering the Hendrick's and Tonic in a west end bar was proudly showing off her diamond ear-rings that her husband had bought her. "You can tell they're real diamonds," her pal told her. "How can you tell?" said her pal smugly. "Because no-one would be bothered making fake diamonds that small," she replied. ******************************************************************************************************************* Not A Scrap A drunk staggers into a chapel, enters a confessional booth, and sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" ******************************************************************************************************************** No Freebies Did you hear about the car dealer who wanted to massively expand his showroom, and to ensure there were no problems with planning permission, offered to give the chairman of the planning committee a free car. "Oh, I can't accept that," said the councillor. "That would be corruption if I took a free gift." "Well, what if I offered a car to you for £100?" said the dealer. "Oh, that's fine," said the councillor. "I'll take two." **************************************************************************************************************** Begorrah An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car's weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." THANKS TO BILL MALCOLM FOR THIS ONE ************************************************************ *************************************************************************************************************** **************************************************************************************************************** Leftowers! Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their new shop. As yet, it wasn't quite ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk past, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked, "Whit ur ye sellin here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar..-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said, "Ye're daen weel ... ainly twa left." ****************************************************************************************** Hey! GoodLooking! "I married the wife for her looks," said the chap in the pub at the weekend. "But not the ones she throws me these days." ******************************************************************************************* Mothers-In-Law ... again! " It's not as if my mother-in-law is ugly,' observed a friend of mine, but the Scottish Tourist Board still hires her in summer to swim up and down Loch Ness'." ******************************************************************************************************** Over-Zealous "I was arrested for my beliefs," a chap in a pub declared the other night. "I believed I could drink ten pints, then drive home." ************************************************************************************** On Heat Did you hear about the man who asked for a pie and a bridie to be heated up in the bakery while he bought other items? Absent-mindedly, he left the shop without them, which is why a comely young assistant dashed out of the door and shouted after him: "Sir, your hot stuff!" ******************************************************************************************************** Over and Out I was told of George Bush's reaction when oil went over the $100-a-barrel mark. He asked: "Well, how much without the barrel?" ********************************************************************************************* Speed of Thought I was also told that George Bush took his good lady on holiday to Portugal in their young days, and hired a car there to tootle about in. A large insect flew into the windscreen, and George remarked on what a mess its crushed body had made. "Well, it's hitting the car at 60 miles an hour," she pointed out to him. "I didn't know they flew that fast," he replied. ********************************************************************************************* Charity begins at .... I heard of a student in Glasgow, who regularly took a bag of shirts to the Oxfam shop. The next day he would return and buy them all back, washed. "It was cheaper than going to the launderette," he said! ******************************************************************************************************* ********************************************************************************************************** Heavy Opening Did you hear about the chap who went up to a good-looking woman in the bar and said, "Fat penguin." When she asked what he was talking about, he replied: "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." ******************************************************************************************************** As Old As You Look Two women in their fifties were queuing at a Glasgow cinema when the box office chap said: "Is it two adults?" One of the women preened herself and told him: "Yes - unless you think we could pass for teenagers?" Her mood was spoiled by her pal pointing out: "Ya eedjit - he's wonnering if we qualify fur the pensioners' discount." ********************************************************************************************************** Naive Applicant A dad told me that his teenage daughter had left school and was applying for a job to tide her over before going to college. Under "previous employment" he encouraged her to put "babysitting", to show that she at least had a work ethic. When he was checking the form for her later, he noticed that after putting in babysitter, the form asked "reason for leaving", and his daughter had written: "They came home." *********************************************************************************************************** Wishful Thinking "I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes non-stop at the weekend," said the chap in the bar proudly. "But I later discovered that the clocks had gone forward an hour." ************************************************************************************************************ ************************************************************************************************************* Vein Try A fella in the pub the other night was denying his pals' claims that he was tightfisted, and pointed out to them that only the other day he had taken his girlfriend's parents out for tea and biscuits. "Mind you," he added, "they were a bit surprised they had to give blood first." ************************************************************************************************************ Chuck 'Em In In 'The Greatest Story Ever Told', Charlton Heston played John the Baptist and had to plunge dozens of Christian converts into what was supposed to be the River Jordan. Only it wasn't. It was the Colorado in November! Some extras fainted. Others provided a pained look mistaken by millions of cinemagoers as religious ecstasy. "If the Jordan had been as cold as the Colorado," Chuck later said, "Christianity would never have gotten off the ground." ********************************************************************************************************************* Liberal Congratulations The boffins of Glasgow Uni were worried about young Charles Kennedy. What was he going to do with himself if he didn't get a good degree? "If all else fails you could always go into politics," one professor told him. The former leader of the LibDems was yesterday formally robed as rector of his alma mater and, in his inaugural speech, recalled receiving, when first elected to the House of Commons, what he took to be a congratulatory letter from one of his former lecturers. The message? "I can only assume all else failed," the old prof wrote. *********************************************************************************************************************** *********************************************************************************************************************** Reacting To Type A Glaswegian on holiday in Jerusalem last week was asked by a taxi driver where he was from. "Scotland," he replied. "Ah," said the taxi driver, reaching for a suitable stereotype, "the country where they hang their toilet paper up to dry so that they can use it again." The Glaswegian was about to set him straight about tired old Scottish cliches when he thought of the most suitable riposte. "So you won't be expecting a tip, then, I take it?" ****************************************************************************** Better Than Nothing Do you get annoyed with those automatic e-mail messages telling you that the recipient of your message is out of the office for a few days? I received one the other day which read: "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, you very likely would have received nothing at all." ****************************************************************************** Piracy A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' Bartender 'What about that eye patch?' Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped one in my eye.' 'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird dropping?' Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.' *********************************************************************************** Driven Desperate A Glasgow student in Liverpool had to phone his parents with the bad news that the car they had bought him had been stolen. They told him to contact the police and telephone his insurance company. A week later there was no word on his car and he was resigned to never seeing it again, so imagine his joy when he walked to the nearest Subway sandwich shop to discover it sitting outside, apparently undamaged. His joy was immediately dented when he had sudden clarity about driving round to the Subway a week earlier because he was starving, realising inside the shop that he was drunker than he thought, and deciding to do the right thing and walk home instead. ********************************************************************************************************************** Too Much! I recall working in Scotland at the time of the Heath government edit of three-day-a-week only use of electricity by non-essential businesses, and our boss coming into the office and telling everyone that they would be on a three-day working week. "I'm not working an extra day for any government," muttered one of the staff at the back. *********************************************************************************************************************** Come Back! Do you believe the teacher who tells us he asked his class the chemical formula for water and one of the pupils answered: "H I J K L M N O"? When the teacher said that was rubbish the pupil replied: "You definitely said before that it was H to O." ************************************************************************************************************************ Banal! I have just heard that President George W Bush has finally woken up to the problems for the planet created by greenhouse gases. He says he plans to ban all greenhouses! *************************************************************************************** Taken For A Ride A pal just back from a cruise in America told me that when he went ashore in Mexico he was handed a postcard of the liner which he could show to any taxi driver to take him back to the dock ifhis Spanish wasn't up to it and the driver didn't speak English. So he duly flashed the card at a taxi driver .... but it didn't quite work. He was taken to a post office. ******************************************************** ************************************************************************************** Below the Belt A middle-aged Glasgow chap who joined a gym in the New Year was admiring his body in the bedroom mirror. Quietly pleased with the view, he went through to the living room, stood in front of his wife in the classic muscleman pose, with one arm curled up and the other held out in front of him. "What does that remind you of?" he asked. "A teapot," she replied. *************************************************************************************** Dog Story Would you believe the jeweller in the Argyll Arcade who claims that a distraught woman came in with a picture of her recently deceased dog, and asked if a gold statue of it could be made so that she would have a permanent reminder of her faithful companion? He says he asked her: "Eighteen carat?" And she replied: "No, chewing a bone." *************************************************************************************** Another Deathly Tale The above tale of the woman wanting a gold statuette of her dog reminds me of the classic story of the woman who had two pet monkeys. When they died, she took them to a taxidermist. "They were inseparable when they were alive, and I would like them to be stuffed so that they will always be together," she told the stuffer. "Do you want them mounted?" he asked. "No, holding paws is fine," she replied. **************************************************************************************** Hint ..Hint A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. ************************************************************************************** Twa's Nae Company A fellow says to his mate: "I had an argument with the wife about a holiday destination the other day." "What happened?", his mate asked. "Well, I wanted to go to Morocco . . . and she said she wanted to come too!" ****************************************************************** What A View The cruise business is booming, which means many folk are boarding a ship for the first time. One cruise-ship worker tells us that on one occasion when a fresh bunch of passengers came on board he received a phone call from an angry customer saying that he had paid extra for a cabin with an ocean view, yet all he could see was a car park. ***************************************************************** ********************************************************************* Stoop-id "There was an envelope on my doormat this morning with the words, 'Do not bend' on it," said the chap in the pub. "And I thought to myself, Well, how am I going to pick it up, then?'" ************************************************************* Tie Untie A friend of mine attending a recent wedding watched as the best man produced both the groom's and bride's wedding rings from his pocket, forgetting that he had tied them together with thread so as not to lose one, and then struggled to separate them. Seeing his discomfort, the minister took them and began unpicking the thread while telling the congregation: "My job is normally to tie the knot, not untie it." *********************************************************************************************************** Swell ....well? Various excuses are often given at Weight Watchers' clubs for the pounds refusing to disappear. One lady at such a group last week claimed she might have put on weight as she had a large blister on her foot which was full of liquid. OUCH! ********************************************************************************************************** Sleep Easy Four guys were at a hunting camp, and had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. So they decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time. and thus voted to take turns . The first guy slept with Daryl and came down to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said " Man, what happened to you?" He said "Daryl snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning .... same thing ... hair all standing on end, eyes bloodshot. The other two said "Man , what happened to you .... you look awful." He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player .... a real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast all bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning", he said. The other two couldn't believe how rested and wide awake he looked. They asked , "Man , what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed, and I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his bottom, and then kissed him goodnight, ..... and ... he sat up and watched ME all night." ****************************************************************************************** Browned-Off A girl bumped into a pal she had not seen for a while and observed: "You're looking well. Have you been away anywhere?" "Naw, it's just a fake tan," her pal replied. "Well, you look good," said her mate encouragingly. "Thanks," the girl replied. "But ma dad said he thought I'd been creosoted at the weekend." ******************************************************************************** Och! La! La! THE desire for puns in Glasgow has not diminished, it seems. The French-sounding La Bonne Auberge restaurant has a new children's menu. It's called the "Oui Ones Menu". ******************************************************************* ************************* Extraordinary! Some women, only some mark you, have a series of stock questions to ask so that they appear to have an interest in football when they have none at all. Such as when a chap phoned home during the Champions League final and his wife asked: "Are you not watching the football?" "It's going into extra time," he replied. "Who's winning?" she asked. ****************************************************************** Toujours La Politesse ... Parliamo Glesga! A Glasgow couple splashed out on an upmarket hotel in Spain where they found themselves lounging at the pool beside a history professor and his wife. The prof. turned to the Glasgow chap and asked: "Read Marx?" "Yes," he replied. "I think it's those wicker chairs." ****************************************************************** See Hear I was told about the young woman who enrolled in a Spanish night class, and was asked by the native Spanish lecturer if she spelled her name, which happened to be Katherine, with a K. "C" she corrected him - and was then too embarrassed to say anything when he wrote down "Katherine", after assuming that's what she had just confirmed for him. ************************************************************* Destination .... ? A friend of mine was awaiting the Glasgow train at Edinburgh Haymarket when the announcer came on the tannoy to say the Manchester train was due to arrive - and then listed at length all the stations it would call at. When he got to Manchester Airport, he then added sorrowfully: "For Lanzarote and Majorca ...... I wish I was there." *************************************************************** Wife Worship "The only way my husband would put me on a pedestal," exclaimed Jenny when sharing a bottle of prosecco with friends, "would be if he wanted the ceiling painted." ***************************************************************** The Bare Bones of It ! A friend told me that she phoned the local fire station when she saw her neighbour's cat stuck up a tree. The station, though, was emphatic that firemen do not rescue tree-struck cats any more, despite that being a popular belief. The cat would come down when it was hungry, she was told. She was unconvinced, arguing: "How do you know?" "Well, have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" was the reply. ************************************************************************* A Tacky One-Liner "Velcro," said the barman in the pub the other night. "Bit of a rip-off, if you ask me." ***************************************************************** ****************************************************************** Move Over "Went for a job interview for a blacksmith," declared a chap in the pub. "They asked if I'd ever shoed a horse. "I told them, No, but I once shoved a donkey aside'." ******************************************************************** Flab A doctor who was examining a woman with admittedly a bit of a 'muffin-top' stomach remarked on the fetching tattoo of a whale on her tummy. "It was a dolphin when I had it done," she told him. ********************************************************************* No Wonder! Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. ************************************************************************* Tact This Freuchie joke I know is a classic ...... It's the one about the chap in rival village Falkland's pub who declared that Freuchie was only good for "cicketers and tarts". "My sister lives in Freuchie," said the angry giant of a man standing further along the bar. "Does she bat or bowl?" replied the chap. ************************************************************************* Neighbourhood Watch! "I used to dress off the peg," declared Jim in the pub to his mates. "But now my neighbours don't leave their washing out at night." ************************************************************************* Wish You Were - - - - ! News that the charming Edinburgh lingerie shop 'Boudiche' is to open a branch in Glasgow's Ingram Street this month reminds me of the customer who asked: "I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife." "Sheer?" asked the assistant. "No, she's at home," he replied. ************************************************************************** Too Late A couple in Scarborough were enjoying some al fresco dining this week when a seagull flying overhead dropped a large deposit on the poor woman's T-shirt. "Quick! Get some toilet paper!" she shouted at her husband. And whether it was the beers he had consumed that foolishly gave him false courage, he cheerfully replied: "What's the point? It's miles away now." ************************************************************************* TV Love Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. ************************************************************************* Diction ! "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then." ***************************************** ************************************************* Nae Spika the Lingo A doctor of Indian extraction noticed that his next patient was from Patna in Ayrshire and he wondered whether the name had any connection with the city of Patna on the Ganges. When the woman came in with her daughter, he asked: "Tell me, I was just wondering, why the Scottish Patna is so called?" "Doakter, Ah'm no sure," she replied. "But Dalmellington's freezin'!" ******************************************************** What A Hoot A Glasgow couple who decided to hire a cottage in the country for the weekend proved what city slickers they were when they were walking back to the abode in the dark. "What's that noise?" said hubby. "I thought I heard an owl." "You probably did," replied his wife. "I just stood on the dog's paw." *********************************************************** Honesty Poet and writer Liz Lochhead, who was made a Fellow by the Educational Institute of Scotland at the weekend, explained that she had in fact been an art teacher for eight years earlier in her career. "In fact," she told the EIS at the ceremony, "just by quitting the job I managed to improve the professional quality of teachers." *************************************************************** Cruel A lassie, motivated by the television talent show 'Britain's Got Talent', went to her dad and asked if she could enter next year. "Aye, nae problem," he said from behind his newspaper. "Whit dae ye think I shid dae?" she persisted. "Sing or a coamedy act?" "Whit's the difference?" was the unhelpful reply from behind the paper. *************************************************************** Overheard in St Andrews: Two American tourists were fruitlessly searching the shelves of a local when one of them finally gave up in exasperation and declared: "Well, we are in a Third World country." ***************************************************************** Wha's Like Her! My sister tells me that out in her hall there is a very glamorous picture of her taken a few years ago in a studio which promised model-style photographs. So she smiled to herself when she heard her son return from school with one of his pals whom she could hear in the hall saying: "Wow! Wha's thon?" "Ma ma," her son replied. "I dinna hae a ma wha leuks like her," his pal replied. And then her smile disappeared when her son added: "Naither hae I." ********************************************************************** Bairns' Joys ! When a plane going from Aberdeen to Glasgow dropped a couple of hundred feet owing to turbulence, and adults were trying to keep worried looks off their faces, the whole plane dissolved in laughter when they heard a wee bairn shouting, "Again! Again!" **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Excuses, Excuses and Excuses! It's said that most golfers have something to blame for having a bad shot - a plane going overheard, a sudden cough, birds flying out of bushes or whatever. Did you hear about the disgruntled lad who had topped even these excuses when he said in all seriousness after a mis-hit drive: "My shadow moved." ******************************************************************** Diet on Wheels I was in a chip shop when last home in Scotland when a chap came in and ordered: "A big bag of chips, with loads of salt and vinegar." The serving lass glanced at the door then asked him: "I see you've got the bike tonight. Are ye on a health kick, then?" ********************************************************************* Parlez-vous? I heard recently from a Scots pal working in France that he had cringed the week before when he had heard an English colleague ..... who, after three years in France could barely ask for a beer in the local language ..... being briefed by bosses about how he was being put in charge of a new project. "So as we say in England," replied the English chap, "you're giving me carte blanche?" ************************************************************************* Chancer! Seen and overheard in the pub at a small west-coast fishing port when the siren rang for the local lifeboat crew ...... Immediately one lad further down the bar jumped to his feet and headed for the door. "I didn't know you were in the lifeboat crew, Peter," said his drinking companion. "I'm not," replied Peter. "But my girlfriend's husband is." ************************************************************************* In The Name of The ...... ? A drunk weaving out of a bar sees the minister walking past and immediately tells him that he is Jesus Christ. The minister tries to calm him down by telling him he is mistaken, but the drunk is adamant. "Here, I can prove it to you," he says, taking the minister by the arm and leading him into the bar he has just left. The barman looks up and says: "Jesus Christ. Not you again." ************************************************************************* Social and Legal Problem "What's the penalty for bigamy?" ..... think about it .... "Two mothers-in-law." ******************************* Resting Place I was told about the hairdresser who moved to larger premises, and was annoyed when a congratulatory bouquet from a friend was delivered with a Rest in Peace card. However, when she complained to the shop that had sent it, all the florist could say was: "I'm now worried there's a funeral out there with flowers saying "Congratulations on your new location'." ************************************************************************* ************************************************************************* Choice Couple A Scottish couple were idly passing the time by discussing who would play them if a film was made of their lives. "Brad Pitt would play me," said the husband. "In that case," replied his wife, "I'd play myself." ******************************************************************** For Better for Worse ! A wife was getting all emotional about their Ruby Wedding Anniversary coming up, and on a whim asked her husband, "Should we arrange a ceremony to renew our vows?" His less than popular response was, "Why? Have they expired?" ******************************************************************** Choose Your Medic-care Carefully! Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled, for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! ********************************************************************* Hot Rod! Judy was tidying out a drawer and found a picture of her taken 20 years before standing in front of the family car in a T-shirt and shorts, and she thought to herself, "I looked a pretty hot babe then!" She showed it to her husband and asked: "What do you think?" He replied, "Our old Cortina looks good!" ********************************************************************** Up and Up Did you hear about a lonely lad who was convinced by his pals that he should buy a bird to keep him company. So he went to an auction of pets where he bid £50 for a parrot. But the bidding kept on going up £100... £200 .... £500 - before he eventually secured the bird for £1000. "For that price ... I hope it can talk," he said to the auctioneer. "Talk!" he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?" ********************************************************* Smart Judge Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily, even in the courtroom. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony. ******************************************************************** Scavenger's Holiday After reading about the Glasgow City council wheely-bin photographed at the border between Chile and Argentina, I have now heard that a council spokesman has announced that they have had to whittle down the huge number of volunteers who want to go over to empty it. ******************************************************************************* Itchy Money A disc jockey - transmitting from Lithuania was heard to growl in a passable impersonation of radio legend Wolfman Jack: "I gotta good Scotch friend. Works in dermatology. Made a million. And all done from scratch." ******************************************************************************** Ear This! We are told about a jilted fiancee who still wears the expensive earrings given to her by her ex-partner in happier times. One is inscribed "With all" and the other "my love". She says she still wears them, to remind her that the next time anyone says that to her, to just let it go in one ear and out the other. ************************************************************************* ************************************************************************* The Risks of Promiscuity A woman from XXXXX tell her pal: "I'll have to be really careful not to get pregnant." Her confused pal asks: "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?" "Exactly," she replied. Be On Your Toes .... Ken The Lingo! Given the cosmopolitan nature of the Scottish Ballet Company, I wonder what the dancers made of a notice on the Lounge Tea/Coffee Machine which read, "Please do not shoogle this machine." Overheard On A Sail "I can't believe it. We're going out with a boat captain who can't swim." The skipper must have been used to this reaction as he simply replied: "Can pilots fly?" ************************************************************* ************************************************************* Too Far By Far A company held its annual golf match for its workforce last week. One of the older members of staff was playing against a young lad who smashed his first drive just short of the green on the par four. The older player told him admiringly: "Bloody hell! I don't even go that far on my holidays." Under Review Local 'bobby' in Leslie, Constable Bob Smith, was quoted in last week's paper as saying: "Yes, we realise that there is a hole in the road in the town centre. The police are looking into it." Fond Hope I'm reminded of being on an Alaskan cruise ship when a fellow tourist asked the captain if he could arrange to sail the ship nearer to the sunset. It Takes An Italian Man To ...... On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat...." Beer Shampoo While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.' **************************** ************************* Honest Response An insurance office received a motoring accident claims form on which the driver had written after the question. "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?" One replied ....: "Travelled by bus?" Footballers' IQs When Davie was signed by Rangers from Aberdeen a few years ago, he was asked to fill in a questionnaire. So he went and kicked lumps out of the doorman at Ibrox Stadium." Low Alert Announcement heard at Seatac Airport, Washington State, USA: "Will the man with his pants around his ankles please return to security and retrieve his belt." [N.B. It wasn't me ... I was wearing my kilt !] Kindly Grannie An elderly lady from Glasgow visiting her grandson in America during the Glasgow Fair was asked on arrival at New York immigration: "Ma'am, do you have any meats, fruits or any other foodstuffs with you?". "Aw, son" she replied sympathetically. "Ah huvny even a sweetie (candy) ah can gie ye." Nine till Five The boss of a Glasgow office was asked to explain by health and safety officials why he had not held a fire alarm practice in living memory. "Don't have to," he blithely replied. "They practise every night at five o'clock sharp, and are really excellent at it." Friendly Feeling A quite recently arrived head-waiter from Eastern Europe in a Glasgow restaurant, whose name is Lukpal, is pleased at how friendly Glaswegians are, because they frequently begin sentences with his name, as in: "Lukpal, I don't have a reservation, but any chance of a table?" and from Denis Iffla in Canada .... Promises, Promises Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, and I'll give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' Paddy in New York Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' Found Out ... Again Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. ****************************************************** Surprise, Surprise A widowed Aberdonian showed a visiting photographer an old print of her late husband. She wanted to know if he could remove his old-fashioned bunnet. He said he could and left with the print, only to come back a day later to ask on what side the deceased had parted his hair. She expressed surprise that he had come back to ask. "You wid hae seen that whan ye teuk his bunnet aff', she told him." ******************************************************** ********************************************************** For A Change "Took my car to the garage and told the mechanic there was a problem with the transvestite engine. "Don't you mean the transverse engine?' he said to me. "But I said, 'No. Transvestite engine. It keeps slipping into the wrong gear.'" ****************************************************************** Pass It On "I don't gossip myself," confided the woman in the Glasgow coffee shop yesterday to her friend. "But I do like to pass on snippets to people who do," she added. *************************************************** Thinking of Others An elderly mother was complaining to her son that she kept missing parts of her television programmes when she went to put the kettle on or went to the toilet. "You can get one of these digital boxes," he told her. "It freezes the programme while you are out of the room." "Naw, son, I couldn't do that," she told him. "It wouldn't be fair to all the other folk who were watching it." **************************************************** A Chic Murray Classic Tale of Chic being at the Olympics and asking a chap with a pole: "Are you a pole-vaulter?" "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?" ******************************************************** ******************************************************** From Jim Walker in California .... Genealogy A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.' ***************************************************************************************** Clever Boast Tales of naive graduates trying to impress folk with their university degrees reminds a lad in Falkirk of his brick-and-slab-laying friend who would tell members of the opposite sex that he was a pathologist. ************************************************************** Cupboard Love Two middle-aged woman are meeting for a glass of wine and a catch-up, when one of them inquires admiringly: "How do you keep your youth?" Her pal replied smilingly: "I lock him in the wardrobe." ********************************************* Bow Wow Did you hear about the Glasgow laddie who trained for the sprints in the Olympics by tying sausages to his legs and had his pals release their pit bulls to chase him? Well ..... he was banned for using performance-enhancing dugs. ***************************************************** Choosey! A large group of students went into a station cafe where one ordered 'black' coffee, another 'white', then another 'almost white', followed by "almost black" and so on. "Jeez-oh," cried the counter lassie, "Dae youse yins want a colour caird?" ************************************************************* ************************************************************* X and Y Destinations With the schools just back, auld Fred's grandson said to him: "I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there." *************************************************************************************** Olympic Yachting - Where? All the talk of a Scottish team in the Olympics reminds me of when a Scot won the only Olympic gold on the River Clyde. You'll be expecting a gag at this point ..... but it is true. At the 1908 Olympic Games in London, there were only two crews entered for the 12-metre yachting class. Rather than have them both travel to Cowes, a coin was tossed, and the race was held at the Clyde Yachting Club where Paisley Thread Mills' heir Sir Thomas Glen-Coats and his crew won gold. ******************************************************************************************* Well Done, Jean! Pensioners Jim and Jean went to a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' for all day breakfast was two eggs, bacon, sausage and toast for £2.99. 'Sounds good,' Jean said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you three pounds and forty-nine pence because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Jean asked incredulously. 'YES !' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then.' Jean said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' Jean replied. She took the two eggs home. ****************************************************************************************** Why Wait A mum whose soldier husband is serving abroad tells us her five-year-old daughter asked if it was not about time she had a baby brother. Mum told her it was a nice idea, but perhaps they should talk about it with dad when he came home from his tour of duty. "Why don't we just surprise him?" asked the little one. ************************************************ Pittin Her Fit Doon A woman in a west end bar enjoying her large glass of sauvignon blanc suddenly announced to her pals, "Men are like grapes". "Why?" asked her friends. "Well, she said, if you stomp down hard enough on them you eventually turn them into something acceptable to have dinner with." ************************************************************** ************************************************************** Another Murrayism The inimitable Chic Murray once recalled that, when shown to his room in his new digs, the curtains were drawn, but everything else was real! *********************************************************************** Vintage Jeannie collecting a bottle of prosecco in the Glasgow bar, settled down at her table and asked her pal, Maisie how her blind date had gone the previous weekend. "Terrible," Maisie replied ..... "He picked me up in a vintage Rolls-Royce." "What's wrong with that?" asked Jeannie. "He was the original owner," replied Maisie! ****************************************************** No Through Road "My wife says she wants to take driving lessons," said the chap in the bar the other night. "I'm not going to stand in her way," he added. ******************************************** ******************************************** Service Ace! Jimmy was in a London restaurant with his wife where they had to wait ages for their starter. They then waited a long time for their main course, so they got fed up, paid for the starter and walked out. Their waiter rushed after them and said that service was not included. "Did you notice that as well?" replied George as they walked out. ************************************************* One To Chew On! My mate Willie and I were dining at that super restaurant in Glasgow. We had dined well and had reached the coffee and cigar stage, had lit up and very relaxed, when suddenly a Barbara Cartland lookalike pushed her face forward and intoned, "I do hope you don't mind me eating while you are smoking!" "Without pausing, Willie removed his cigar and said, "Not as long as we can hear the band Madam." ******************************************************* Out of The Mouths of Babes and Sucklings My friend Bill told me recently ...... "When our son was about six and out in the car with us he was trying to read the AA book. All of a sudden he said disgustedly, 'I'm fed up with all this sex-----Middlesex, Sussex, Essex.....' ! *************************************************** Fast Reactor An atom once said, "I think I have lost an electron." "Are you sure?" asked a fellow atom. "Yes, I'm positive," he replied. ******************************************* LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ****************************** ******************************* "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." LITTLE OLD LADY A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, my, am I driving?" ********************************************** Check Out .... Check In Young apprentice Tommy was telling a colleague that he thought his parents were wanting him to move out of the family home. When asked why, he replied: "My birthday money yesterday was in travellers' cheques." ****************************************************** Winner Takes All A Glasgow sailor on shore leave with some ship-mates ordered a giant lobster claw in a Rio de Janeiro restaurant. Unfortunately the claw was in a scabby condition, badly cracked and chipped. When he complained, the waiter told him it was due to the lobsters fighting in the tanks. "Weel" said the Glaswegian, "tak this yin back tae the kitchen an bring us oot the winner." ********************************************************************************************************* 'Disnae' Spin A novice teacher was once asked by a pupil what a comet was. He explained it was a star with a tail and asked the pupil if he could name one. "Mickey Mouse," the pupil replied. ******************************************************************************************** Touche-eeeh! A group of annoying business-types sat down in a Glasgow lounge-bar, and when asked if they wanted a drink, one of them shouted: "We'll have four G&Ts - that's gin and tonics to you." Being from the west end, the waitress merely replied: "Would you like ice and lemon with them - that's frozen water and citrus fruit to you." ************************************************************************************************** Primary Seven Class Bible Test ... Answers Q. Who were Adam and Eve? ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. AND NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. Q. What happened to Lot's wife? LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. Q. Who was King Solomon? SOLOMON WAS ONE OF DAVIDS SONS WHO HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. Q. What happened when Jesus rose from the dead? IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. ************************************************************************************************************** ********************************************************************* Gaining Pounds By Walking "I had terrible financial problems during the credit crunch, but I'm getting back on my feet now," said the chap in the pub. "My car's been repossessed." *************************************************************************************************************** Morning Ablutions My wife banged on the bathroom door the other morning asking why I was in there so long. "I told her that the balder I get, the longer it takes me to wash my face." *********************************************************************************** Not A Considered Response A shareholder asked his banker recently: "Do you think that our money is safe with you chaps?" The reply of, "As safe as houses, sir," was maybe not the most reassuring one! *********************************************************************************** Ah! A Scottish-born reporter in LA,, Jim Mackay asked presidential candidate John McCain's aide ... "Where is Sarah Palin from?" "Alaska," the aide said. "Well, let me know what she says," replied Jim! *********************************************************************************** Traveller's Tale "I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?' " ************************************************************************************************* Now And Then "My husband is a man of rare gifts," said the woman ordering a glass of cava with her friends on Friday night. "The idiot forgot my birthday last week." ********************************************************************************************* "Newton's First Law of Gravity?" "Be serious." ************************************************ From A Jewish Comedian ....... What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch?" he asks. "Reservations," he tells us. ************************************************************************ Egocentric "I wouldn't say she was self-centred," said Jean in Starbuck's when discussing a mutual friend with her pal Joan, "but she is always me-deep in conversation." *********************************************** Don't Despair Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a £100 note her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture, but as she read the letter by the window she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly. she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara" on a piece of paper, wrapped the £100 note in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat he went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of pound notes. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the winnings you have coming Sister." he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-l." ********************************************************** ************************************************************** Down Market What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker? The answer, A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Rolls Royce. ******************************************************************************** From Don and Vada in California:- VERY PUN - EH! 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. 20. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 23. ********************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Very Punny Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.' The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. ********************************************************************* Angry Vintage One Saturday morning a thirtysomething lady meeting her pal for a coffee was sporting a pair of sunglasses. "Hangover?" asked her pal. "Or as I like to call it," her friend replied, "the wrath of grapes." ************************************************************************************* The Crunch A chap stopped at the motorway service station with his wife, ordered up two meals with biscuits and coffees and told the checkout assistant: "I'm sorry, but I've only got a £50 note." "That's OK," she told him. "Just put the biscuits back." ******************************************************************** A Choice Dish A lad was telling his pals that the girl he went out with was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He said that when he took her out for dinner there were quite a few dishes that she couldn't eat. Eventually, scanning the menu, he suggested to her that she might like the duck. But she replied: "I told you I don't eat seafood." ********************************************************************************************* All Change Jemima's has guinea pig, named Ben, which she thought was a male. But it turned out to be female and got pregnant. "So you would have to change its name then?" I said. "Yes," replied Jemima. "I changed it to Ben Hur." ******************************************************************************** Look Before You ....... A parachute instructor was telling his trainees to prepare themselves for landing once they were about 90 metres from the ground. "How do you know you are at 90 metres?" asked one woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 90 metres you can recognise the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for a while before asking: "What happens if there's no-one there you know?" *************************************************************************************** EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack. ********************************************************************************** ************************************************************************************ Driving Rain You may have heard the old gag about the golfer who, come hail or shine, got up every Saturday morning at seven to play a round at his club. But one weekend when he reached the door, the biting cold rain was almost horizontal, and for once he put his golf bag down, undressed and quietly slipped back into bed with his half-asleep wife and told her: "The weather's terrible." Sleepily she replied: "Can you believe my husband's out golfing in that?" *********************************************************************************** That's Experience Talking! An old caddie who had watched as his tourist golfer hooked wildly at the first tee to land on the 18th green handed the aghast chap his putter and told him: "Just sink it sir and you'll be round in seventy under par." ******************************************************************* Weighing In "My wife's the double of Kate Moss," said a fellow in a bar the other night. "Kate's eight stone, and my wife's sixteen stone." ********************************************************* To Order I remember being in a bar in Dublin where I asked for "the same again", and was told: "Oh no, sir, I can't give you that. But I'll give you something similar." ********************************************************** Help! Did you hear about the married couple who were playing on the ninth green when the chap's wife collapsed with a groan, pleading for help? Hubby calls 999 on his mobile, talks to a few folk, then picks up his putter to take his shot. His prostrate wife gasps: "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry, dear," he replies, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "How long will it take him to get here?" she asks feebly. "Not long," says her husband. "Everybody's agreed to let him play through." ****************************************************************************** Dead Weight "My husband lost two stones swimming last month," "I knew I should have tied them around his neck better." ************************************************ More PUNNIES I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. A nurse reported, 'No change yet.' A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. *************************************************************** A Century Story This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS...... A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!' *************************************************************************** She Says A new grammatical term may has emerged during the course of the US presidential election campaign. It summarises a statement which, either way, makes no sense whatsoever. Such a verbal construction can thus be called a Palindrone. **************************************************** ***************************************************** Struck Down When the pints of beer in the pub were poured, one appeared cloudy. Jim's pals unwisely brought this to the attention of the barmaid. Elbows on counter and with a glare that could nail a carpet, she replied: "Whit d'ye expect, thunder and flamin' lightnin'?' ************************************************************************ Optimist A new definition of an optimist is any banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. ******************************************************************************************* Thwarted "She used to dress off the peg," said Sadie about her pal Mary. "But now her neighbours won't leave their washing out at night." ************************************************************************** The Bare Bones of It "Thanks to the credit crunch, our company has introduced Hallowe'en early," said a chap in a bar the other night. "All we've got left is a skeleton staff." ***************************************************************************************** Dumb Replee! A Glasgow lad with an extremely sore throat, perhaps even laryngitis, lost his voice, but still went to meet his mates for a pint last Friday night. He took a notebook with him and scribbled down what had happened to him. One of his pals picked up the notebook and scribbled in reply how sorry he was about his pal's plight. The other chaps watched him scribbling away until one shouted out: "He's nae deef, yah eejit." *************************************************************** Crash Victim? "My wife went to a fortune-teller the other week, and she was told that a lot of money was coming her way," said the loudmouth in the pub. "She was really excited, until she stepped off the pavement in front of a Securicor van." ************************************************* Cover Note A friend of mine received an invitation to a new club in Glasgow which promised on its opening night 'cocktails and canopies'. My friend commented, "That's probably for smokers outside!" ****************************************************** ****************************************************** Home From Home A friend of mine in his fifties was hoping that his family didn't think he was having a mid-life crisis when he revealed his new girlfriend was in her thirties. "What does she do for a living?" asked his sister. "She works in an old folk's home," he told her. His sister replied sweetly: "On a recruitment drive, is she?" ********************************************************* The Aiberdonian Question "Whit dae ye git if ye cross a laddie wha his jist hid an accident in his oonerpants, wi a deid ool?" "A loon wha guffs bit disnae gie a hoot." ********************************************************* Bond, Premium Bond The launch of the new James Bond film reminds me that there is at least one civil servant with a sense of humour. The number to phone to buy Premium Bonds is 0500 007 007. *********************************************************** Chic Murray Specials! This man came home to find his wife in bed with three men. 'Hello! Hello! Hello!', he said. 'What!' said his wife. Are ye nae speaking tae me?' -------------------------------------------------------------- "I can lick any heavyweight with just one hand!" "Aye, but be fair! There's not that many one-handed heavyweights going the rounds." ------------------------------------------------------------- I used to write her love letters in the sand. But it was an incredible hassle trying to get them into the pillar box. ---------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man standing stationary at the funeral, some 60 yards from the graveside. "Who was that?" "I'm not sure. I think he was a distant relative." *************************************************** Seeing Is Believing! I once passed a banner on a road in Lanarkshire which read: "Happy 30th birthday, Granny." ************************************************** Not A Catty Remark! "She's been on so many blind dates, she should qualify for a free dog." ********************************************************** *************************************************** News of what has happened to a number of companies recently: A telephone manufacturing company: called in the receivers. A firm of bricklayers: gone to the wall. Flotsam and Jetsam Ltd: washed up. A tap and sink supply company: pulled the plug. A ladies' Egyptian dancing school: gone belly-up. Acme WC drain cleaners: gone down the pan. A clock and watch repair company: wound up. *********************************************************************** What A Pane "I was watching the window cleaner jumping up and down and screaming outside my house earlier," said Jimmy in the pub last night. "Some folk lose their rag so easily don't they?" ************************************************ Unplugged It is rumoured that outgoing president George Bush has been offered millions to write an autobiography. However it is also known that he has turned it down, because, as he said, "I don't really know that much about cars". ********************************************************* Sweet Talk It seems that not everyone is obsessed with going to the gym. As one woman in a west end lounge-bar told her pals, "Whenever I accidentally say the word exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate." *************************************************** Two Stories from Stanley Baxter's 'Parliamo Glasgow' As I hastened into the street to join in the revelry of the fair I found the air filled with the traditional festival song - 'Errarainoanu Scummindooninbuckits!' [There's the rain on now ... it's coming down in buckets] I then requested directions and a small patriarchal gentleman came to my assistance. 'Centrul Station.' he intoned. Then to my amazement, he commenced to conjugate one of the lesser-known Latin verbs - 'Gerrabus norisbus anurrabus heerabus!' [Get a bus, not this bus, another bus, here's a bus] *************************************************** Heard in Passing Lee Trevino bemoaning the fact he can't hit the ball as far as he used to: "I'm so short off the tee, I can hear the ball when it lands." ************************************************* Merger 'Marks & Spencer' is considering merging with 'Poundstretcher'. The new stores will be called 'Stretch Marks'. ****************************************************** Needs Must An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.' 'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?' 'Who said my Da's deid?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you'r e 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my grandad's deid?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' 'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.' At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?' 'Who said he wanted to?' ***************************************************** ****************************************************** No Bad is Good! Scottish fiddler Alasdair Fraser performed on Whidbey Island near Seattle last week where his robust performance earned him tumultuous applause. An American in the crowd, screaming her appreciation, turned to the expat Scot sitting next to her and asked what he thought of the show and he replied: "No' bad." She gasped: "Not bad? It was brilliant!" At that her husband, who served with the US Navy on the Holy Loch told her: "He's clearly a Scot. They never give better than 'no' bad. .....except maybe for fitba'." ******************************************************************** Slainte! It is difficult to think of Stornaway without mentioning the trial there over the running of an illegal drinking den, known as a Europie bothan in the Ness area of Lewis. A police witness, describing the scene of beer canisters, cans and beer and spirit glasses, mentioned there was a Gaelic sign above a cupboard stating .... "Ceud Failte" - a hundred welcomes. A sheriff remarked that in Inverness it was normally .... "Ceud Mile Failte" - a hundred thousand welcomes. "Yes," replied the police sergeant, "but you cannot get so many into a bothan." ******************************************************************** HEART ATTACK A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Convent Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law. ******************************************************* A Quacky Duck Story A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.' 'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck. 'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I hear your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?' 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?' 'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.' The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!' 'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.' So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.' 'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?' 'At the circus,' says the barman. 'The circus?' repeats the duck. 'That's right,' replies the barman. 'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?' 'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck. 'Of course,' the barman replies. 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck. 'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . 'Why on earth would they want a plasterer?' **************************************************** Extract From House Advertisement " .... the kitchen has a one-and-half-bowel sink'." UGH! ************************************************************ Saint's Alive! A young lass had to run for a bus on England's south coast, and, arriving out of breath at the bus-stop, she gasped at the driver: "St Peter's in Bournemouth." As she gulped in air to then add a "please", the driver beat her to it by announcing to the rest of the bus: "Did you hear that? St Peter's in Bournemouth!" ************************************************************ ************************************************************ Thanks to Evan Henderson for these ones ...... TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. *********************************************************************** TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ************************************************************************************** TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. *************************************************************************** TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! ******************************************************************************** TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ********************************************************************* TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' *************************************************************************** TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ******************************************************************* TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ******************************************************************** TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog ' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ************************************************** TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher ********************************************************************************** Thanks to Bill Malcolm for this one .......... Irish Pay Back Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Paddy replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Paddy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him? Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euros a piece and made a profit of €898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two Euros back.' ************************************************************** Laden A lady flying back to Glasgow from a business meeting in London hailed a taxi at Glasgow Airport, laden with five bags having managed to fit in some Christmas shopping after her meeting. As she struggled into the cab with her bags, the cabbie asked: "Been busy then?" "Very," she replied. "I've been on a business trip to London." "I'd hate to pick you up after a shopping trip," he told her. ************************************************************ Note Perfect As the pound drifts down towards parity with the euro, an Irish friend of mine recalls when Ireland still used the Punt in pre-Euro days, and he handed over a newly-issued 20 Punt Note for a round of drinks in a Dublin bar. The barman looked at the note, with a portrait of a bespectacled James Joyce on it, and announced: "You've got to be careful with these twenties - there are a lot of forgeries about." At that he folded the note over and battered it with his fist. He then unfolded it, held it up to the light, and announced: "This one's genuine enough. If it had been a dud, his glasses would be broken." *************************************************************************** Sharp Practice! Jim was much taken with the reply when he asked his Bearsden barber what the difference was between a number three blade on the clippers and a number two blade. "A fortnight," his barber replied. *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** Some Welcome! A driver visiting Glasgow for the first time noticed on the overhead gantry on the M8 motorway at the city's boundary the flashing sign "Keep Your Distance", and he thinks to himself: "Whatever happened to Glasgow's legendary friendliness?" ........................................................ However, a Scot visiting in California was bemused by a road junction sign saying 'YIELD' when the equivalent UK warning is merely, 'GIVE WAY'. ***************************************************************************************************** Courtesy A bride was slightly alarmed when her full-length veil snagged on the corner of a pew as she turned towards the altar, and felt this threatening to pull it off. Fortunately, her bridesmaids came to her rescue as she bent her head forward to free it. However, after the ceremony her husband's granny sought her out to say it was wonderfully moving the way she had stopped to curtsey to her mother. ********************************************************************************************************** Fruity Xmas "I told my kids," said the loudmouth in the bar, "that when I was their age, all I got at Christmas was an orange and an apple. "But all my son said was, Wow! .... a mobile phone and a computer - not bad'." *********************************************************************************************** A Privy Question What do you call a Scot with prostate problems? A canny wee man. ****************************************** *********************************************** Naughty! A bus was holding up traffic in Glasgow's Hope Street while it stopped at the lights with its hazard flashers on. The driver, in the pouring rain, was out of his cab, trying to fix his broken windscreen wipers. A woman driver pulled up beside him, feeling sorry for him in the rain. So she rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, would you like a screwdriver?" Without missing a beat, the driver replied: "Thanks for the offer, hen, but I'm running 10 minutes late as it is." **************************************************************************** Youngsters ! [From Don Henshaw] +++++++++++++++++++++++++ My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?' ******************************************************** I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!' *********************************************************** 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'it means carrying a child.' ******************************************************** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants." ***************************************************** Fit For ? The Washington Post has calculated that President Bush spent nearly 2500 hours on exercise machines while he was at the White House. A Washington correspondent opined that George only wanted to go on a treadmill for half an hour - but couldn't work out how to switch it off. ******************************************************************** Not So Serious Gardening I was listening to Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4, and when they read out the credits at the end it was stated that the assistant producer was Joe King. *************************************************************** Cheery Message On a train from Glasgow to Manchester last week the train manager announced at Lockerbie: "Will passengers departing the train please remember to take their personal belongings with them - coats, bags and sun loungers". ***************************************************************** ***************************************************************** Wisdom An updated version of the traditional Christmas gifts borne by the three wise men: gold, banking sense and mirth. ********************************************************************************************** A Taster Did you hear about the fellow who asked a waitress for tomato ketchup. She returned with a tiny container with just about enough to dip one chip in. So he merely raised it to his mouth, pretended to take a sip, and told the waitress: "That's great! I'll take a bottle, please." *********************************************************************************************** You Can Tell That You're Scottish ..... if, You think scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind is good weather. You are able to recognise regional dialect, such as Glasgow's "Orrite pal, gauny gies a wee swatcha yir paper'n'at, cheers, magic pal" or, from Aberdeen: "Fitlike, loon? Furryboots ya bin up tae? Fair few quines in the night, min." Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think that getting beat 3-2 would be "no' a bad result". You have been to a church wedding where the football results have been announced during the service. ********************************************************************************************************************** Boasting! Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from USA , and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from CANADA . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a SCOTTISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. ************************************************************************************************ Trying! Brunette: "Have you heard the one about the ceiling?" Blonde: "No." Brunette: "It's way over your head." Blonde: "Go on, tell me! I'm not that dumb!" Brunette: "Never mind - what about the one about the postcard with no stamp? No you'd never get it." Blonde: "Really! I think I could. Tell me. Let me try." ****************************************************************************************** Anniversaries That matrimonial strain can ensue when one partner is over-zealous in their devotion to sport - is contested by Jimmy Smith. Jimmy had a pal whose wife bitterly claimed that, throughout their marriage, he had always put football first. "That's rubbish," Jimmy's chum replied, "it's our 34th season together." ********************************************************************************************* Arrrggghhh! Why are bananas never lonely ? They go around in bunches! What's yellow and stays hot in the fridge? Mustard! Why do cows lie down when it's raining? To keep each udder dry! *********************************************************** ************************************************************ Life Support Erchie, a lifelong Rangers supporter, had great centre stand tickets for the Celtic v Rangers Scottish Cup Final. As he was sitting down, a fellow Rangers supporter came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. 'no,' Erchie said, 'the seat is empty.' 'That's incredible!' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like that for the Scottish Cup Final and no use it? Especially as Rangers are aboot tae gie thae Tims a right guid hammering.' 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.' said Erchie. 'This is the first Scottish Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.' 'Och......I'm really sorry tae hear that. That's terrible so 'tis. But could ye no find someone else - a pal, a relative, or even a neighbour tae take the seat?' Erchie shook his head. 'Naw, they're all at the funeral.' *********************************************** Changed days PE teachers were OK! School in the late sixties, an altogether more innocent era. In those days, no-one thought anything untoward about male PE teachers walking through girl pupils' changing rooms en route to the playing fields, or female PE teachers routinely traversing the boys' changing rooms. However, as a friend of mine states: "I heard of one PE principal teacher who, when going through the female changing area, always shouted, Right, girls - eyes closed!' " ******************************************************************************************** Expected Industrial Mergers FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP. Fairchild Semiconductor and Honeywell will emerge as Fairwell Honeychild, Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dobbies Garden Centres, and Dawson International will merge to create ZipAudiDoDa. Weir Group, Sun Microsystems and Kelloggs will combine as WeirSunK High Street saucy scanties vendor Ann Summers will unite with gun-makers Smith and Wesson, forming TittyTittyBangBang. *********************************************************************************************** Nae Sae Smert The scene is a pub up in the hills where an old shepherd is playing chess in a corner with his sheepdog. An American tourist comes in and immediately gasps - hey that's a pretty smart dog you've got there sir! The shepherd replies, "Ach she's nae sae smert - ah've a'readies beaten her twice the nicht."! *************************************************************************************************************************** Car Park Charges ...Ughh! An acquaintance of mine began wondering - in detail - whether NHS Scotland canvassed doctors on the abolition of hospital car-parking charges. and that probably .... "Neurologists would have thought the scheme's originators had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians probably reckoned everyone was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists must have rated the move short-sighted. Pathologists yelled 'Over my dead body!' Pediatricians cried 'Grow up!' Psychiatrists denounced the plan as madness. Radiologists saw right through it. Surgeons chose to wash their hands of the whole thing." ************************************************************************ A Tea-ser! "My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything," said Sandy in the bar the other night. "Which is why she was such a disaster when we put her in our pub quiz team." ************************************************************************** *************************************************************** Explosive Race I heard about a gas serviceman who arrived at a house in West Lothian with his apprentice and while giving a boiler its winter service, the older fellow was joking with his apprentice that despite the age gap he was still fitter than the youngster. To settle it, he challenged the apprentice to see who could run back to their van faster. When they did so they were surprised to see the householder running after them. When they asked him why, he told them: "When I see two gas men running as hard as you were, I thought I'd better run, too." ********************************************************************** Get The Picture "Don't you hate it," said Jimmy in the pub the other night, "when you're in your car and you see a road sign stating Drawbridge Ahead'. "And you don't have a pencil with you." **************************************************************** Three Smiles Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The Coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells an Inspector: 'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.' 'Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. 'He thought he was having his picture taken'. ********************************************* Be Seen And Not Heard "Light travels faster than sound," was the rather deep observation from a woman in a wine bar to her pals. She then added: "That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." ******************************************************************* A Slip In Time A regular in the pub announced that his wife had asked him if he would still love her when she was old, fat and wrinkly. "Surely you answered, 'Of course I will'," answered his mate. "I meant to," the chap replied sadly. "But somehow it slipped out as, 'Of course I do'." *************************************************** Ripe Old Age A pensioner in a corner shop held up a bunch of green bananas and asked the shopkeeper: "Huv ye no' goat ony yellow wans?" "At mah age ah cannae risk no' bein here by the time they turn yella." ***************************************************************** Impasse! Two women in a wine bar were overheard discussing a mutual friend who has been engaged for six years without setting a date for the wedding. "The trouble is," said one of them, "she won't agree to marry him when he's drunk, and he won't ask her when he's sober." ******************************************************************************************** ***************************************************** Clocked! I overheard a chap in the bar tell his mates: "I'm always falling out with the girlfriend. I told her that in the six months we'd been together we hadn't agreed on one thing. " Seven months', she replied." ************************************************** Sorted Out Here's a story about a chap browsing in a branch of WH Smith's in his lunchbreak who was prodded hard on the shoulder by a pompous lady who barked: "You there! I can't find this month's 'Country Life'. Go and check if it's in stock. And don't be all day - I'm on yellow lines!" Due to her rudeness he didn't do the obvious thing of pointing out that he did not work there, but instead told her: "Sorry, madam. I really can't be bothered. Why don't you go and check for yourself? You look as though you could lose a few pounds." By the time she called the manager over demanding the chap be sacked, and for the manager to explain that the chap didn't work there, the lunchtime browser had walked outside, and was delighted to see a traffic warden studying the cars on the yellow lines. *************************************************** Fred's Pun Did you hear about the row over whether Dubai Television should broadcast the television cartoon series 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said: "It was claimed that people in Dubai would not understand Fred's humour. But we know that people in Abu Dhabi Do." ***************************************************** Scots Myth? Scots get annoyed when tennis star Andy Murray is suddenly British when he is winning. But I can't help thinking we're maybe the pot calling the kettle black. BBC Scotland assures us that President Obama can trace his lineage back to twelfth- century Scotland. So he's OK just to be an American when standing for election, but now he's won he's suddenly Scottish? ***************************************************************************************************** Have A 'Gander' At This [N.B. 'a gander' in Glesgae slang is 'having a look at'] The links between America and Scotland are very strong in music. Traditional music veteran Phil Cunningham told a Celtic Connections talk in Glasgow yesterday that one American singer he appeared with told the audience that Phil was backstage with a "Fabulous Goose" in his hand. He had to explain that it was, in fact, a tot of Famous Grouse Whisky. ************************************************************************************* Some People Never Change! Barack Obama took time off from campaigning to take his wife on a date. When Hillary Clinton heard about it, she asked husband Bill: "Why can't you do something like that?" So the next day Bill phoned Michelle and asked her out. ******************************************************************** Son, Evan, sent me this one ..... Gruts for Tea by Ivor Cutler "Hello, Billy, teatime! Gruts for tea! - Billy! Billy! Come on, son. Gruts for tea! Fresh gruts!" "Oh, I don't want gruts for tea, Daddy." "What? I went out specially and got them for you." "Aw, but Daddy, we had gruts yesterday." "Look, son, I walked seven miles to the High Wood to get you gruts. That's fourteen miles in all, counting the journey back, and you don't want gruts? I fried them for you. Fried gruts - mm - I fried them in butter." "I don't want them, Daddy. Daddy, we've had gruts for three years now. I'm fed up with gruts. I don't want them any more. Daddy, can't we have something else for tea?" "Oh, son! Gruts! They're lovely." "Daddy, I don't want gruts any more. I hate gruts. I detest them. I have them every day and they're always fried in butter. Can't you think of another way of cooking gruts? There's hundreds of ways of cooking gruts: boil them or bake them or stew them or braise them - but every day - fried gruts. 'Billy, come in for tea. Fried gruts. I've walked fourteen miles. Seven miles to the High Wood and back.' Three years of gruts. Look what it's done to me, Daddy! Come here! Come here into the bedroom and look at ourselves in the mirror, you and me. Now look at that!" "Yes. I see what you mean. Son, let's not waste these gruts. Tomorrow, I'll go to the High Wood and get something else." "Look, Daddy, you've been saying this for three years now. Every day we have this same thing. I take you to the mirror and you say we'll have something else for tea. What else is there in the High Wood besides gruts?" "Well, there's leaves, bark, grass, and leaves. Gruts are really the best. You must admit it." "Yes, Daddy, I admit it. Gruts are really the best, but I don't want them. I hate them. I detest them. In fact I'm going to take this panful of gruts and throw them out." "Oh, don't do that! Don't throw them out for goodness' sake! You'll poison the dog!" ********************************************************************************************** Thanks to Don Henshaw in California for this one ..... Worms A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration? Mary who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' ***************************************************************************************************** Sterling Matters A lady ordering a bottle of Zinfandel in the west end telling her pals that she had chucked her boyfriend after their New Year's holiday in the Caribbean. "Walking about in his trunks," she explained, "he looked so different without his wallet." ****************************************************************************************************** ****************************************************************************************************** The Famous Grouse Bet A Texan walks into a pub in Scotland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says: "I hear you Scots are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Scotch back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Scotsman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 shots of Famous Grouse Scotch. Immediately the Scotsman tears into all 10 of the shot glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the scotsman the $500 and says: "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Scotsman replies: "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." ****************************************************************************************** No Hitch on Holiday "I came back from my holidays and immediately told my boss that I needed time off to get married," said Jimmy in the bar the other night. "He told me he couldn't give me the time off and, anyway, why didn't I get married when I was away. "What? And spoil the holiday?' I told him." ******************************************************* Racing News The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Scottish Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow. The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team ! ************************************************************************************* Emergent Youth Two rather inebriated youths emerged from the underground station at Buchanan Street on Saturday night with one opining: "Ah don't know whose house that was we were in, but that's some trainset he's got in his cellar." ************************************************************************************************************** A Rousing Parting Scotland's First Minister and Leader of the Scottish National Party,Alex Salmond, spoke at Alloway Parish Church as part of the Burns' celebrations. He gave an eloquent address from the pulpit and, as he stepped down, he was loudly applauded by the congregation. "Look," said one parishioner at the back, "they're even standing up to applaud him at the front." "No," replied her friend, in case she got the idea that Alex Salmond was as popular as that. "He's just going back to his seat in the front pew, and they're standing up to let him in." ****************************************************************************************************** *********************************************************************************** Cup o' Char ... Charming! Jimmy was dining in Florida when he and his companion asked for tea, which came in bags marked NUM. After enjoying the first cuppa they asked for a second. "Two more Num teas?" asked the waitress. "You wouldn't get away with calling someone that in Glasgow," said Jimmy! (For those to whom Glasgow slang is a 'no..no' ... there NUMPTY is slang for EEJIT aka IDIOT) ************************************************************************************************************* Blessing In Disguise "I like the snow," said the traveller on the train from Edinburgh to Glasgow yesterday. "It's the only time my garden looks as good as next door's." ********************************************************************* Daft ? A local lad, known to be a few pence short of the shilling, was watching the evening news on the pub telly and an item came on about a train being derailed when it ran into a herd of cattle that had strayed on to the line. Those in the bar knew he wasn't joking when he declared: "Could the driver no' have swerved roon it?" *************************************************************************** Drowning An investor told me recently about a new definition of liquidity - when you look at the value of your investments, you wet yourself. ***************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************** Underestimated Scores Overheard recently were women in a wine bar discussing a mutual friend .... One of them declared: "She's not as promiscuous as you make out. She told me she could count on one hand all the men she had slept with." "Was she holding a calculator at the time?" asked one of the more world-weary of the party. ********************************************************************************************************* Anonymitie French rugby fans were leaving Dublin Airport for home on Sunday when one of them accidentally dropped his boarding card. A well-meaning passer-by picked it up, and shouted at the departing fans after scanning the boarding pass: "Is there a Mister Charles De Gaulle here? You've lost your boarding pass." No-one had the heart to tell the Good Samaritan that Charles De Gaulle was, of course, the airport destination of the passenger rather than the resurrection of the great French President. *********************************************************** Motor Mouths Some locals in the pub were heard discussing the insults of television presenter Jeremy Clarkson, with one of them opining: "That bloody Top Gear programme of his is rubbish - aw they ever dae is talk aboot cars!" ********************************************************** Catching On I was told by a friend that he had a big problem, caught between a rock and a hard place, which he described as a "Catch-29 situation". Although I sympathised with him, I nevertheless couldn't stop myself correcting him and saying: "Do you not mean a Catch-22 situation?" "No," he replied, "it's a bigger problem than that." ****************************************************** Innocent Man "Valentine's Day," said the loudmouth in the bar the other night. "The only day of the year I can buy the wife flowers without being accused of being guilty of something." ************************************************** Elizabeth the What? In a Yorkshire pub the landlord was running the quiz, but proved he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer when he squinted at the questions and then asked: "Who was the King before Queen Elizabeth the Eleventh?" ******************************************************* ********************************************************* Dust In Your Ears I recently heard of an American exchange student teacher in Glasgow who said she asked a pupil what 'stoor' was, only to be told 'dry glaur'. Still baffled, she asked what 'glaur' was, inevitably to be told .... 'wet stoor'. ************************************************************************************** Not A Drop-Off Offence A car driver was stopped by traffic cops and told to walk to the back of the car to see what they had spotted as being wrong. When he got there the chap became very agitated, held his head in his hands and wailed: "What have I done?" One of the officers told him to calm down, and added: "It's just a broken tail-light, not a big deal." "Big deal?" shouted the driver. "Where the hell's my trailer and speedboat?" ********************************************************************************************* Stating The Obvious Senior White House adviser David Axelrod is quoted as saying: "We need an auto industry in this country." "With a name like that, he would say that, wouldn't he?" ************************************************************************* Sour and Sweet A Junior School teacher tells of asking her class, during a lesson on stranger danger, why they should not accept sweets from a stranger. "They might be past their sell-by date," piped up one little youngster. *********************************************************************************** Water Waste An economist was recently heard to describe the government's bail-out of the banks as like taking buckets of water out of the deep end of the pool to fill up the shallow end. **************************************************************************************************** Dig This ! "My career is now in ruins," said the loudmouth in the bar the other night. "I've become an archaeologist." ************************************************************************************* ************************************************************************************ FAMILY Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, ' I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' ************************************************************************************************** Pillsbury Doughboy R.I.P. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 15:50 hours for about 20 minutes. ***************************************************************************************** A Golfer's Poem In My Hand I Hold a Ball White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry, I Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises A Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses. It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree! Or Take A Swim! With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow. ****************************************************** London Lawyer Vs Glasgow Cop A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come tae a complete stoap at the stoap sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come tae a complete stoap. Licence and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huv tae come tae a complete stoap, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating lumps out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow doon?' ******************************************************************** Think You Are Having A Bad Day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his 'Walkman'. ***************************************************************************************************** Ad'mission' "I diet religiously," said the woman in the 'Tally Ho Bar' over a Rum and Coke. "I eat what I want," she told her pals, "and pray I don't gain weight." ***************************************************************************************** Waste of Time "I used to grow herbs," said Jimmy in the bar the other night. "But I ended up with too much thyme on my hands." ***************************************************************** Wise Saws and Modern Instances If you don't read newspapers you are uninformed. If you do read newspapers you are misinformed. — Mark Twain I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian Government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan *************************************************************************************************** Old Wild Oats? Teachers are used to their pupils coming in and telling them that they had previously taught their parents, and so on. But one primary teacher in Cumbernauld had a child who told her: "You taught my granny's boyfriend." **************************************************************************************************** TV Bargain "Dae yiz want to buy a 42-inch plasma telly for fifty quid?" asked the chap in the pub the other night. "The volume control disnae work," he added. "But ye widnae want to turn it doon at that price." ********************************************************************* Parlez-Glasgais, Pleese ! In Lourdes, France, a wee Glasgow wummin was heard attempting to ascertain the price of rosary beads. Her question: "Whit dae these come in at, hen?" appeared to confuse the shopkeeper somewhat. ************************************************************************************************** Admission Of Gilt In church last Sunday, a lady heard her priest explain to the congregation that if they were worried about the church's financial situation, they should know that, having foreseen the economic downturn, the church had put its investments into gilts. "Imagine the Catholic Church making money out of gilts," murmured the worshipper next to her. ************************************************************************************************** ************************************************************* Limited Ambition A friend told me about his 60-year-old uncle who went for an interview as a college caretaker and was asked by the bright-spark human resources woman: "So, Tom, where do you see yourself in five years?" Tom, who was expecting to be quizzed on his jannie-type skills such as how to board up broken windows, fix leaky taps and replace dodgy light bulbs, looked thoughtful for a second, and then replied: "Well, I think the Principal's job is safe." ******************************************************************* Fans After getting home from a break in Dublin, Jimmy told me later that he had got on a crowded commuter train which was held up as even more folk tried to squeeze on board. Eventually the driver came on the public address system to announce: "There's no point in trying to push on, there's another one right behind. The driver is Tom Cruise and the ticket inspector is Pamela Anderson." ***************************************************** Unanswerable 20 years ago there was a Glasgow lad being interviewed for a general handy-man job at a University in the USA. He desperately wanted the job, and the last question in the interview was, Tell us, Mr Munn, can you do cement work?' " Can Ah dae cement work?, he replied. Did they ever find Jimmy Hoffa? " Footnote: Mr Munn is still working at that University today! ********************************************** Quite A Turn "I dressed up like a clown for our wedding anniversary," remarked the loudmouth in the bar the other night. "But all the wife said was, "You have a funny way of showing you love me." ******************************************************** ******************************************************** It Pays To Delay .... sometimes! An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call my bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,' On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my week-end!' ************************************************************************* Overmuch Concern A woman in a cafe was being hauled over the coals by her pals for worrying too much. But she told them: "Well, worrying must work. Almost all the things I worry about never happen." ********************************************************************************** Collared An accountant was jailed for embezzlement but was extremely nervous about what was going to happen. Put in a two-man cell, he was relieved when his cellmate told him: "I'm in for white-collar crime, too." He then added: "I strangled a minister." ****************************************************************************************** His Way A chap in the golf club bar smilingly said to his companions, "You used to slag me off for investing all my money in fast cars, slow horses, old wine and young women, instead of shares and pensions. "Now you're all as broke as me, but at least I enjoyed getting here." ************************************************************************* Sherp Tongue When my pal Jim went for a stroll in Rouken Glen Park on the south side of Glasgow last week-end, he happened to stop and watch an old lady throw some bread to the ducks. The peaceful scene was somewhat marred for him when he heard her say to one of her feathered friends: "If ye eat ow'r much ye'll sink, ya gannet." ***************************************************************** Undecided ? - Take Note ! Ma granny used to say, "Watch oot for splinters in your bahookie when ye're sittin' oan the fence." ******************************************************************************** Gold-Capped? On a flight from Majorca to Glasgow two old dears were discussing the security arrangements, with one stating that, not only did she have to take her money out of her pockets, but she even had to take her ear-rings off to get through security. "See me," replied her pal, concerned about where all this would end, "I widnae traivel if a hid tae tak ma teeth oot." *************************************************** The Perils of Spelling A mum told me her stomach lurched when her 12-year-old daughter approached her on their weekly library visit with a book entitled 'Help for Young Mothers'. She was very relieved when she asked what she wanted that for .... Her daughter replied that she was preparing a school project on moths. ***************************************************************************** *************************************************************** Tractor Man My pal Jimmy was within earshot of the lollipop lady in Cambustouch, the other morning as a local agricultural worker roared past on a tractor, heading to a nearby farm. "Him and his company car," muttered the lollipop lady. *********************************************** Trying or Not When Jeanie's grandson came home from school the other day he told her he had learned something new from a lesson on King Robert The Bruce - "If at first you don't succeed - try, try, try again" "Ay, said Jeanie, that's a mite better than - 'If at first you don't succeed, pit it doon an dinna heed!' " ************************************************ Big Earners I liked Dean Park's line at the Pavilion Theatre's panto when he declared: "D'ye like my kilt? It's Scottish Parliament tartan - big checks." ************************************************************* Getting His Goat! At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank in the school. They let three goats loose. But, before they let them loose they painted numbers 1,2,4 on their sides. The school janitor spent most of the day looking for No. 3. **************************************************************************** No Sympathy "My hubbie," said Dolores meeting her friends for a drink, "was complaining about a terrible hangover this morning." After a another sip, she added: "I told him it wouldn't look so bad if he didn't sit on a stool." ****************************************************************** Thanks to Tom Patrick for this alert! WARNING Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool became soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool became soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died The next time Charles gets married, somebody warn the Pope! ************************************************************************* ****************************************************** Unnerstaunin Each Ither A Scot working in England, who is also a rugby referee, was in charge of a match where one team had a Scottish coach who was an ex-pat model of the wee, belligerent, ginger moaner well known north of the border. Midway through the first half, the exasperated referee approached the coach and told him: "Listen, pal, we've only got room for one Scottish halfwit in this game and that's me - shut it or you're off the touchline." The rest of the game passed in silence, with a player asking him at the end: "How did you manage to shut our coach up?" "I spoke to him in his native language", he replied. ***************************************** Don't Mess With Scots An English lawyer and an Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman would like to play a fun game. The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The English lawyer persists,and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the Scotsman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Scotsman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him £500. The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep. DON'T MESS WITH SCOTS! ********************************************************************* Deep In Debt A friend in an Peterhead pub overheard a chap explain that he used to be a deep-sea fisherman. One of the company asked him why he had given it up. It was obviously the moment he had been waiting for, as he replied: "Ah couldnae live oan ma net income." ********************************************* Equestrianistic Swim An old lady playing 'Trivial Pursuit' was asked, "How deep is a water polo pool?" "Four feet," she answered; only to be told it was six feet. "Of course," she replied, "it's got to be deeper for the horses." *************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** Bus Off-On A golfer playing a links course in Ayrshire badly hooked his drive and watched the ball bounce on to the road to his left where, by good fortune, it hit the wheel of a passing bus and bounced back on to the course. "How did you do that?" asked his playing companion. "Well, you really need to know the bus timetable," he replied. ********************************************************************** Baptising an Irishman An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?' ********************************************** Left Luggage Having taken his mother on a trip to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh, my pal Jim told me: "When we went in, she was asked to leave her shopping bag at reception. After an increasingly bemused perusal of the exhibits, she went to collect her bag and, as it was handed over, left the young attendant with the closing shot: Were you scared I might leave you another painting, son?' " ***************************************************************************** Hats Off As a group of friends tee-up to begin their round, they notice a funeral procession trudging slowly past on the nearby road. One of the golfers stops abruptly, and removes his cap. Surprised at his deference, one of his playing partners questions his actions. He replies: "It's the least I can do .... we were married for 30 years." ******************************************************* Home Help Two golfers are about to tee off when a large passenger aerocraft flies overhead. "That reminds me," says one golfer, "the wife should be on the plane right now." "Is she away somewhere nice?" asks his golfing buddy. "Heavens, no. She's planing a quarter of an inch off the bottom of the bathroom door." ************************************************************************* Practical Piety The following story was told by the Rev. William Arnot at a soiree in Sir W. H. Moncrieff's church some years ago. ..... Dr. Macleod and Dr. Watson were in the West Highlands together on a tour, ere leaving for India. While crossing a loch in a boat, in company with a number of passengers, a storm came on. One of the passengers was heard to say: "The twa ministers should begin to pray, or we'll a' be drooned." "Na, na," said a boatman; "the little ane can pray, if he likes, but the big ane must tak' an oar!" ******************************************************************************** Two Blondes With Hammers Lynn and Judy were doing some joinery work on a friend's house. Lynn, who was nailing down a house side, would reach into her nail bag, pull out a nail and either throw it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, thinking that this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my bag, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! ...... Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' *********************************************************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.' +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++ A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.' ********************************************* Big Spender A customer went into a Glasgow shop at the weekend and asked for a shirt printed for his wife who had recently been to New York with friends on a shopping trip. He asked for a shirt with the usual "I love NY" on the front, and on the back "Veni, Vidi, Visa" roughly translated as "I came, I saw, I spent". ************************************************* Dinna Boast Tae A Heilander A tourist from across the pond was holidaying in the Highlands when he asked a crofter about his small acreage of land. The Yank then boasted: "I'm a rancher in Texas. If I set off in my car and drive all day from sun up to sun down, I'm still on my own land." The canny crofter replied: "Ay, I had a car like that once." ********************************************************** Ditched! A former teacher colleague of mine recently recalled a time when, during an end-of-term school dance, he discovered a poor, 13-year-old girl sobbing gently in the corner of the school gymnasium. When questioned, the lovelorn teenager pointed to a male classmate as the reason for her tears. "That swine [or words to that effect] over there chucked me," she snivelled. "I gave him the best years of my life." ***************************************************************** **************************************************** ***************************************************** Forrest Gump The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers" Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates. ********************************************* Neat Bargain Overheard - "Phoned a guy who had a car for sale in the paper," said Hamish in the pub the other night. "I asked him if it was an estate. And he said, 'No, it's in excellent condition'." **************************************** Put The Kettle On The trendy 'Brewhaha Tearoom' in Glasgow has appointed a manager named Polly. It is hoped they hire a late shift worker named Sukey to close in the evening. ******************************************************************** On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king' ************************************************************** Acronyms ... Och! An old fellow in Lerwick, Shetland phoned the health authority to complain about waiting five weeks for a replacement wheelchair and was told: "It's coming from Mars." He was still trying to digest that information when the health worker added: "The Mobility and Rehabilitation Service in Aberdeen." ************************************************************************************************************* 'Spinning' It Out A UK politician commenting on the news that miners with painful knee problems can now claim industrial injuries benefit, declared: "This is a very welcome step." ******************************************************************** A Pile of Scrap FORD car sales in America have risen for the first time in more than two years thanks to its government's "Cash for Clunkers" scheme, giving folk up to $4500 for their old cars. A friend of mine in Washington e-mailed me about this, saying, "It's amazing. For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." *************************************************************** *************************************************************** Hair! Hair! A chap of a certain age, who should have known better, was heard chatting up a woman many years younger than him. His patter didn't appear to be working, as the young woman was heard, rather viciously, but perhaps not unfairly, asking the chap: "Are you really that bald, or is your neck just blowing a bubble?" ******************************************************************* Modern History Knowledge I became worried about the education of our young when I heard two teenagers discussing the freeing of Great Train robber Ronnie Biggs. "So how many trains did he steal?" asked one! ********************************************************** 'The Silence of Urchins' It was a beautiful, peaceful Greek Island, that my pal Jack found well off the tourist track. He told me, "The small bay had a little coral reef, causing the waves to break gently just yards from the shore. We hadn't heard anyone speak English for two days. "However, the peace was shattered by a warning about the potential danger of sea urchins on the reef, coming from a Glasgow voice, and carried loudly and clearly to everyone." ....... " Hey, watch oot fur thae wee heidghog hings'!" *********************************************************** For Those Whose Mums Used To Have This Magazine Delivered Each Week in Scotland ..... Now that Dundee publisher D C Thomson has bought the internet company Friends Reunited, is it going to rename it People's Friends Reunited? ***************************************************** Dog-Pecked Hubby A Sassenach friend of mine was known to describe his wife as being a bit of East Ham. When asked to explain he would reply, "East Ham - you know, one stop short of Barking." **************************************************************** Gem of A Buggie Did you hear about the young girl employed in CID to file criminal case reports who perhaps wasn't the sharpest. One day she filed the theft of a Silver Cross pram under the heading "Jewellery". **************************************************************************** Irish Wit "He's that stupid that if Mick was going hitch-hiking he'd get up early to avoid the traffic." *************************************************************************** Great Chieftain o' The Puddin Race The New York Times heard about the spat over whether haggis was originally a Scottish or an English dish. So the NYT asked Edinburgh author Alexander McCall Smith for his view on it, and as he elegantly put it, opting for Scotland not England: "Blithely attributing our haggis to a people who already have lots and lots of dishes - most of them terribly stodgy - in their national cuisine seems, if nothing else, to be gratuitously cruel. It would be like eating a mockingbird, if I may be permitted a literary allusion." ELEGANTLY put Mr Smith ! ***************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************** Fair Exchange All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ************************************************************************** Timely Seamus climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God Looking up, he asks the Lord.... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Seamus asks, 'And what does a million pounds mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' ******************************************************** Guilty? A bus-load of American tourists was emptying in the centre of Edinburgh, and one of them stared at the craters in the road caused by the work on the new tram-line. "Was this terrorism?" he asked a local. "Ay," he was told, "but roon here we caa them toon cooncillors." ******************************************************** Growth ! A distraught dog owner took her pet to the vet because of an unusual growth in the poor mutt's mouth. After examining it, the vet asked the owner if she had any children. "Oh, my god! Is it contagious?" she shouted. "No," the bemused vet replied. "It's bubblegum." ******************************************** Nice A friend of mine just back from New York witnessed the legendary New Yorker's abruptness when he heard a sales lady say to a customer: "Have a nice day," and the retreating, irritated, shopper replied: "I've already made other plans." ********************************************** Good Advice A pal visiting Manhattan, got lost, and asked a police officer for directions. The gum-chewing example of NY's finest slowly examined him from behind dark glasses then queried, quite kindly: "Have you got a dime, buddy?" Slightly confused, the Scot pulled a handful of coins from his pocket, unsure which one was a dime.The officer extend a finger, shuffled the money and said: "Yeah, you have - so buy a street map.". ************************************************************************************************************************* Dangling The Carrot A grandmother's explanation of the benefits of eating vegetables to her grandson included the old claim that eating carrots was good for your eyesight. The puzzled youngster challenged her on this, and asked how carrots could help him see. Not to be beaten, she merely replied: "Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?" ********************************************************************************************************* Memories "I'd a terrible argument with the wife the other night," said Jimmy to me the other day. "And she became historical." "Don't you mean hysterical?" I replied. "No. She kept on bringing up all the things I've done wrong over the past 10 years." ********************************************************************************************************* Rumour A growing number of Republicans believe that Barack Obama has lied about his birth, and was, in fact, born in Kenya, making him ineligible to be President. It is said that the White House has denied this, pointing out that if he had been, Madonna would have adopted him by now. ********************************************************************************************************** Conversation Between Two Glasgow Waitresses. "It's ma pal Sandra's birthday next week," said one. "Whit can a' get her?" "Why don't you get her a book?" "Naw. She's goat wan." **************************************** *************************************************** Here's Telling You A woman told her friends that she had asked her husband why he never brought her home flowers and he had replied: "What's the point? They'll be dead in a week." So she had told him, "So could you, but I still have you around the house." *********************************************************************************************** Sit Tight [Thanks to Bill Malcolm] After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH, Jesus Christ!' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the back of mine!' ********************************************************************************************** One for the Golfers..... [Thanks to Tom Patrick] Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland . 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. ********************************* Myth ? A story that music legend Bob Dylan is in discussion with a car manufacturer about becoming its 'satnav' voice is unlikely to be accurate as even in his youth Dylan did not know how many roads a man must go down. **************************************************************************************************************************** Fender Fun A tourist visiting a Florida shopping mall spotted an elderly lady getting out of her giant gas-guzzling car then read the sticker on the bumper which read: "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. "And some days I let him sleep." ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ On The Boil A chap in a bar declared: "Did you see that troubled reality TV star Kerry Katona was questioned by police for throwing a hot cup of tea over her accountant in a fit of rage?" "Maybe," replied his pal, "it had been brewing for some time." ******************************************************************************* Rubbing It In! A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to get on the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be both riding the bus." **********************************************************************************Sacrifice A wee lad at the shops ask his mum: "Do you think we could afford this?" "Probably," his mother replied, "but we would need to give something up." "What's that, mum?" asked the boy. "Food - for a week," she told him. ****************************************** Onside Sometimes pub conversations are very strange. Some of the company were puzzled by the chap who asked the other night: "At the Last Supper, how come no-one sat on the other side of the table?" ********************************************************************************** Rhetorical Question A pal of mine told me of a friend who got a job teaching English to prisoners, and is still blushing after asking her first class: "Now do you all know what a sentence is?" ******************************************************************** Silly Question An airline booking-clerk asked a customer: "How many people are flying with you?" "How should I know," the customer replied. "It's your plane." **************************************************** ********************************** Get THE Message A chap went up to a woman sitting alone in a west end bar at the weekend and told her: "You've a lost look in your eyes." He looked crestfallen when she replied: "You missed out the word 'get'." ************************************************************ Deaf To Criticism "I won't hear a bad word said about the NHS," said an Edinburgh woman having coffee with her friends. And added: "That's because I have an NHS hearing aid." ****************************************************** Not So New Look "There's a new 'Facebook' website just for politicians," said the chap in the pub the other night. "It's called 'Two-Facebook'." ********************************************** Later ! A mother told me she found her little one watching television, and shouted at him: "I thought I told you to clean up your room after doing your homework. What are you doing watching television?" He merely replied: "It's okay, mum. I haven't done my homework yet." ************************************************************ Tit-For-Tat A friend of mine told me he had suppressed a smile as he passed an exasperated mother in a Glasgow shop the other day who slapped her daughter across the backside and scolded: "Don't you ever do that again!" The youngster merely stood her ground and replied: "Well, are you happy with yourself?" ***************************************************************************************************** Lost By Giving Did you hear about the flustered wife couldn't find where she had left her car keys and muttered: "I think my mind is completely gone." Her merely said to her: "Maybe it's because you give me a piece of it every other day." ***************************************************************************************************** Plea to Clothes' Stores Clothes should include this warning on their labels: "This material is liable to shrinkage when eating chocolate." ********************************************************************* Fishy “I don’t know what all the fuss is about genetically modified food,” said the woman having coffee with her friends. “I had a lovely leg of salmon the other day.” ******************************************************** Good Fish A drunk weaved into a Fish and Chip Shop and asked for a fish supper. The helpful server told him that the fish wouldn’t be long. “Well, it better be fat then,” replied the drunk. ********************************************************* ************************************************************** Today's Lesson A college lecturer shakes his head as he tells us about two students in joinery with one declaring it was "just like that guy Moses who built the ark in 40 days". His mate told him he was mistaken, but then explained: "It wasn’t 40 days – he built it in six and took the seventh day off." "A mistake, felt our lecturer, of biblical proportions." ************************************************************** Discrimination It was pleasing to hear of a bus driver waiting at a stop for a woman who was running to catch the vehicle, rather than simply driving away. As the grateful young woman climbed aboard, not everyone was filled with the milk of human kindness, as an old woman sitting opposite snapped at her: "He only waited for you because you’re good looking." ******************************************* Biassed ? Learning that Scotland had not qualified for the World Cup Football Finals, and England had, one Scottish fan declared: “Well, at least we’ll have 31 teams to support at the World Cup. They’ll only have the one.” ******************************************************************************************************* Dog Tired Uniquely Glaswegian words of encouragement as the cyclists on the Pedal for Scotland charity run from Glasgow to Edinburgh were going through Easterhouse Housing Estate. One chap with a large alsatian shouted: “If youse git tired oan the next hull, I’ll let him aff his lead.” ****************************************************************** Dated A tired shopper in Glasgow’s Buchanan Street arranged with his wife for them to go their separate ways and link up later. His parting shot to his good lady was: “I’ll meet you outside Pappy Are Us in half an hour.” I guess he was 'pluggin the schule' the day his history class was discussing the ancient Egyptian art of paper-making. ************************************************************************************************************ Deep Thought Did you hear about the pirate ship berthed at Greenock which was robbed by locals, and that immediately a local worthy thought to himself: “Bounty happen.” ******************************************************************************** Impolite Panhandler A street mendicant, with outstretched hand asked: “Somethin’ furra cup o’ tea, pal?” So, Jim, a passing student friend of mine handed him two sugar sachets he had lifted in the Students Union. Jim told me further: “Naturally, I was thanked in the usual Glasgow fashion by being told to go and take a running jump to myself.” ******************************** Guid Lord! A Scotsman planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost 50 Euros an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. “ Hoots, mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna hiv been mair than £20 ." “ That might be true,’ said the travel agent, ‘but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked." “ Weel, at 50 Euros an oor fur a boatie,’ said the Scotsman, ‘it’s nae wonner Jesus wauked’.” ************************************************************************************************************** Weel Kent Can you explain the difference between the Fife phrases “nae affa weel” and“affa nae weel”? Well, in the former case, you wouldn’t think of going to the doctor, while in the latter, you would get the doctor to come to you.” *************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Something To Reflect On You may feel the chap in a city centre bar was being a bit too critical when he asked a girl in a garish lime green skirt and diamond-patterned tights standing next to him at the counter: “Have you not got a full-length mirror or a best friend?” ********************************************************************** Liberated! An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames." ************************************************************************ Top Sports' Model A manager goes into the physio's room to visit a footballer with an injured knee. The manager says 'I can give you a cortisone injection if you want'. The player replies 'It's ok boss, I've got a BMW. *********************************************************** Weighty Present A pal of mine was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was not a happy bunny. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a state of the art gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 60 in less than 5 seconds." The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new set of digital bathroom scales. ************************************************************************************* Pigging It A bloke goes to see his farmer friend and sees a pig walking along with a wooden leg. "Why has your pig got a wooden leg?" he asks. The farmer says: "That pig is a great pig; it got five As at A-level, it can count, and it's my children's best friend." "Yes, but why does it have a wooden leg?" asks the bloke. "He saved my wife and kids in a fire, and he's the best pig we've ever had," answers the farmer. "But you haven't answered my question," says the bloke. "Are you stupid?" said the farmer."You wouldn't eat a pig like that all at once." *********************************************************** Certain I said to my Doctor, " I think I've become a can of deodorant." He said, "Are you Sure?" ******************************** A Belter of A Choice A man married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing done twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. ****************************************************************** Two Roman Catholic Boys There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Roman Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Roman Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA. " **************************************************** **************************************************** Aw Willie! A pensioner couple went forward to take part in a 'Mr and Mrs' type quiz at a Miners Social Club in Auchenshoogle, and the elderly wife had to be helped on stage as her leg was in plaster following an accident. Willie, her husband, was asked a 'Mr and Mrs-style' question about their love life and he replied: “Ah cannae get ma nookie fur the stookie.” *************************************************** Upstaged! Colin McCredie, who plays DC Stuart Fraser in the TV crime drama Taggart, was in a Glasgow taxi, and the driver said he knew his face from somewhere. Colin replied that he was an actor in Taggart, and was reaching for his pen for a possible autograph request when the driver replied: “Huv ye no ambition?” ************************* First In Entertainer Rory Bremner said he had recently been at a function with easyJet founder Stelios Haji-Ioannou. “Afterwards we shared a taxi,” said Rory. “Stelios opened the door and said, ‘After you’. “He then charged me £10 for priority boarding.” ******************************************************** Minus Rating “If he ever sat a personality test,” said a woman discussing a potential boyfriend with chums in a west end pub in Edinburgh, “the results would come back negative.” *************************************************************************************************** Feeling Blue The 'Old Firm' game due this weekend reminds me that Celtic and Rangers fans can display a certain animosity towards each other. Secretary of State for Scotland Jim Murphy, for example, is a Celtic fan. Last season, though, he played at Ibrox in a charity game wearing a Rangers strip. At Celtic’s next home game, he had just sat down when a chap three rows back shouted: “Murphy! Wearing a Rangers strip at Ibrox? That’s unacceptable. How could you no’ just stick to fiddling expenses like the rest of them?” ***************************************************************************************************************************** In The Name of the Father! Pope Benedict’s proposed visit to Scotland next year inevitably has resurrected memories of Pope John Paul II’s hugely attended mass at Glasgow’s Bellahouston Park in 1982. One contributor on the Glasgow Guide website recalls that his daughter went to see the Pope as her Uncle Jimmy, a police officer, was driving the Popemobile that took the Pontiff around the park. "She got lots of funny looks," explains the writer, "when the Pope went by and she was shouting, ‘Uncle Jimmy! Uncle Jimmy!’ " ********************************************** In-laws - Outlaws? A chap discussing a wedding he attended, and when asked what the bride’s family were like, he replied: "I wouldn’t say they were rough, but when they were being photographed they automatically held out their hands expecting to be fingerprinted as well." ******************************************** Fitting Tribute Yesterday's funeral of much-missed trade union official Bill Speirs, heard many tributes from politicians. But it was Bill’s sister, Seonaid, who made everyone smile by telling them that Bill was intellectually gifted from an early age. “I remember,” she said, “when Bill got a bicycle for Christmas. He was only three, yet he measured the bicycle, measured the width of the chimney, then announced that Santa couldn’t have brought it.” ***************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************** Jock Howe In Perthshire, Scotland, about 150 years, ago, a gang of workmen were digging a trial pit previous to some excavations being done. While they were at work throwing up the earth a half-wit named Jock Howe appeared on the scene, and, addressing the foreman, he said, "What are ye howking doon there for ? The foreman, taking in at a glance the character of his questioner, answered, " Och, we're diggin" doon to Australia. Would you like to come?” Jock, after thinking for a minute, answered, "Ay man! Howkin' doon to Australia, are ye? Lo`d! ye maun be far mair dafter than me. Can ye no' sail to Australia an' howk UP, an' ye wad be saved a' the bother o' liftin' the earth oot, for a’ the stuff ye howk wad then fa' awa' frae ye ? ” ************************************************************** Listen To Me A friend told me that he was picking up his wife from her friend’s house and found himself sitting in the car for ages as the two woman continued to gab at the front door. When his wife eventually joined him in the car, and he pointed out that they were now running late, she replied: “It’s not my fault. She wouldn’t stop listening to me.” ********************************************************************************** Semantic ... Romantic A chap went up to a comely young woman and asked her out. “I don’t date perfect strangers,” she crisply told him. Unabashed he told her: “You’re in luck.” Then added: “I’m not perfect.” ********************************************************************************* The Richness of Glasgow Vocabulary ! Discussing a wealthy pal, one Glasgow lads opined, “He’s got hunners o’ money.” “He’s richer than that,” retorted his pal. “You’re right,” replied the first. “He’s got loads o’ hunners o’ money.” ******************************************************************************* Snap! I heard about a keen amateur photographer attending a dinner party who was enthusiastically showing all his moody pictures from a trip to the Highlands. The dinner party hostess kept telling him as she looked at the pictures: “These are great! You must have a very good camera.” The photographer got his own back when he was leaving, by telling the hostess: “What a lovely meal! You must have some very good pots and pans.” ********************************************* Ill-timed Concern A friend of mine overheard a young girl on the school-bus tell her pals that she was worried about her mum who was looking very tired these days. “She stays up too late,” she continued. “Sometimes she doesn’t go to bed till three, four in the morning.” When a pal asked why she was staying up so late, the girl added: “She’s waiting up for me to come home.” ************************************************** Newfoundland Declares War on the U.S.A. President Obama was in the Oval Office wondering what he would do next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well Archie," the President replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army ?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Obama asked. "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor." President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Lard t'underin' bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!" Obama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back." Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said the president . "Why the sudden change of heart?" Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners." CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN! ****************************************************************** ******************************************************************* Ring...Ring .... Sting I dialled a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ********************************************************************** Toujours La Politesse The popular council public loos at the corner of Buchanan Street and St Vincent Street in Glasgow are currently closed for refurbishing. So what does the sign say? “Yep, you guessed it,” “Sorry for any inconvenience”. *********************************** A Prize Comment I overheard a fellow saying, “It's hard to stomach the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to Barack Obama, the leader of the most militarised country in the world? It’s a bit like giving Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond a medal for services to the English Tourist Board.” ************************************************************************************************************** Understanding Engineers - 1 To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ******************************************************************************* Understanding Engineers - 2 A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper, let's have a word with him "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ********************************************************************* ********************************************************************* Origins Apology Royal & Ancient Golf Club captain Colin Brown was recalling his own sporting past when he spoke at the Trades House of Glasgow last week. Colin in his younger days turned out for Clydesdale Cricket Club, which once went on tour in Ireland, with the day ending in a dance at which he was whirled around the floor by an enthusiastic Irish girl. Apologising for his lack of dancing skill, Colin told her: “I’m a little stiff from bowling.” “Oh, I couldn’t care less where you’re from,” she happily told him. ****************************************************************************** Double and Quit Colin also told the assembled business leaders at the Trades House that while the economy was in a poor way just now, this was nothing new. He recalled the recession during Norman Lamont’s spell as Chancellor 17 years ago, or as Colin put it: “The only way to double your money in those days was to fold it, and put it back in your pocket.” ********************************************************************************************************************** Ye Ken Noo [You Know Now] The tale I told before of the translator being sought to make Glaswegians easier to understand reminds mee of a pay discussion at John Brown’s on the Clyde when a shop steward was said to have declared: “Ah’ve tellt ye … nae mair moolah, the bears are oot!” An American executive turned to a local colleague for elucidation, only to be told: “Basically, he’s sayin’ the ba’s on the slates.” [The situation for this company is hopeless!] *************************************************************************************************************** Dram Good Answer I heard broadcaster Sandi Toksvig, on Radio 4’s The News Quiz, taking on the question of whether one should use the word Scotch or Scots. Sandi claimed: “You can’t say Scotch in front of the Scots – it gets their hopes up.” ****************************************************************************************Hot Tip A Washington correspondent reports: “President Obama said he would go to Oslo to collect the Nobel Peace Prize in person. The next day Roman Polanski got in touch to tell him, ‘It’s a trick! Don’t go. You’ll be arrested’.” ************************************************ A Steal Des Dunn was in his local in Dunoon when a regular asked him: “Did you hear that Sid was a victim of ID theft?” When Des answered in the negative, the chap added: “Yes, he’s only known as S now.” Ouch! ******************************************* Wagers of sin “My wife had a big argument with me,” said the chap in the pub the other night. “She claimed I was a compulsive gambler, and she stormed off to her mother’s.” He then added: “Two to one she’s back by the weekend.” ************************************************ ************************************************ Well I Never! Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U Q. What is the fibula A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean A. Nearby Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure A. A Roman Emperor called Julius Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. What does the word 'benign' mean A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight Q. What is a turbine A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head ******************************************** Clipped Reply I remember being at my local barber’s when a fellow customer started giving the tonsorial expert a long list of instructions as to what he wanted done. The barber, after listening impatiently for a while, whipped the gown back off the customer and told him: “Listen, Jimmy, I’m a barber – no’ a magician.” ************************************************************** Value Added “I remembered to turn the clock back last week-end,” said the chap in the pub. “I took 20,000 miles off, so that should bump the price up when I sell the car.” ****************************************************************** High Hopes! Did you hear about the teacher who always says to her Higher Maths class how clever they are, and how high her expectations are for them in future exams? When a pupil asked why she said that, she told them that there was evidence that if you say these encouraging things to people often enough, it becomes a reality. One of the class immediately exclaimed: “Miss, you’re a great teacher.” *********************************************************** ********************************************************** Kindness My friend Jim says he was sitting at home watching the telly when he heard his wife, in the kitchen, ask: “What would you like for dinner my sweetheart? Chicken, tuna or lamb?” Cheered by that, he shouted back: “Lamb would be great.” But his wife replied: “You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.” ****************************************************************************** Accentuation ...Och! AN ENGLISH TOURIST at the Gateway Centre at Loch Lomond Shores in Balloch this week asked Peter at the information desk if they had any pipers. Always helpful, Peter asked whether he meant the occasional busker who sometimes appeared at the visitor centre, or the range of piping CDs and DVDs they stocked. “Pipers,” repeated the tourist who then added for clarification: “News pipers!” ******************************************************************************************* Aiming Higher At the annual dinner of the Bonnetmakers and Dyers Trade at Glasgow’s Trades House, speaker Neil McIntosh spotted a fellow Vet. in the audience and explained: “We have something in common. When we were both in our teens, we aspired to being a lawyer or an accountant.” “Unfortunately, we did far too well in our National Higher Leaving Certificate Exams.” *************************************************************************** Chic's Gags I thought I had heard most of Chic Murray’s classic lines until I found this one ... “I was kissing my girlfriend when, all of a sudden, I got a lump in my throat. She’d been chewing on a pickled onion.” ******************************** Naive? A group of architectural students from Glasgow who were on a field trip to York where the stayed in the local university’s halls of residence. Invited to a university dinner while there, one student was perhaps overawed when he was asked at dinner by an academic further up the table: “Which course are you on?” His startled reply of “the soup” will haunt him for some time. ********************************************** Oxymoron Chic Murray's daughter Annabelle was interviewed over the phone by a London-based newspaper about her late father, and she stated: “Dad was a master of absurdities, but never smutty.” To her horror, she was then mistakenly quoted as giving the wonderful oxymoron: “Chic was a master of obscenities, but never smutty.” *************************************** Dipping and Slipping It seems politicians have now sunk so low in the public regard that they are getting jokes told about them that used to be the preserve of lawyers. .... A chap was heard to complain on a bitterly cold morning: “It’s so cold today, MPs are walking about with their hands in their own pockets.” ************************************************************** Overheard in A Pub “In our village, there was a girl so thin that when she swallowed a pickled onion, six boys left the village in a hurry.” ************************************************************************************************* Movie Magic Overheard in a Port Glasgow pub was Jimmy telling his pal he had just watched a very good film starring “Sylvester … whitsisname?” “Stallone?” his mate replied? “Naw! It finished ages ago.” **************************** Digging Daft An Irishman took a new metal detector to the beach to look for buried 'treasure' and had enthusiastically dug down six feet before he realised he was wearing steel toecaps. *************************************************************** Eve ... God And Adamkind In the beginning, God created the Earth, then rested. Next, God created Man, then rested. Next, God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested! ****************************************************** Good Lord! Christopher Robin is also reputed to have prayed thus, "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a fine time as it is." *********************************************** DODGY DEFINITIONS MOCK JAGGER - Rolling Stone impersonator QUACKMIRE - Muddy duck pond PARSONIST - He who set the church on fire? THIRTY NINE STOPS - Boring bus run THE CRUEL SEAT - Bed of Nails ROUND OF THE BASKERVILLES - Sherlock buys the drinks DEMOCKRACY - Yet another silly law *********************************** *********************************** Speerin' Awa' "Is yir new meenister ony guid," asked Sandy. "Weel, said Jock, he's no worth much. We see little or naithin o' him aroon the village during the week. Ay, six days he's inveesible, bit, oan the seeventh, he's incomprehensible." *************************************************************** Retreat Jimmy Carmichael watching a street performer in Glasgow’s city centre was impressed by the performer’s cheek when he shouted at a couple leaving before he had finished his act: “Hey! I didn’t leave when you got here.” ********************************** No Mercy - Kick a man when he's down! It is sad to report that some folk can be less than sympathetic to street beggars. I'm told by a friend in Edinburgh that he saw a well-dressed fellow, who was emerging unsteadily from a New Town wine bar, being asked by a tramp sitting cross-legged on a blanket in the street: “Any change?” The fellow replied: “Nope. Still got a big house and a fast car,” and walked past him. ****************************************************** No Respect For The Easterners News that Glasgow Council wants to set up a 'Walk of Fame' near the Clyde to celebrate Glaswegians of repute, led Jimmy from Clydeside, Glasgow to remark, “Edinburgh was going to set up a 'Walk of Fame' – but they couldn’t find a street short enough.” *************************************************************** Food For Thought "Why should the expletively articulate chef Gordon Ramsay become the new manager of Glasgow Rangers FC," asked Jimmy, a Glasgow Celtic FC supporter? “Because he used to play for them?” replied his pal. “Naw,” replied Jimmy, “because he can do wonders with mince.” ****************************************************************************** Also Heard That Asian entrepreneur Satty Singh, a Glasgow Rangers FC supporter and owner of the Mearns Castle Golf Academy, is going into partnership with current major Rangers shareholder, South African businessman Dave King, to buy the club. The new company will be called, the Singh King Ship. ***************************************************************** Guid Crack An old man, who had been away for mony a day, paid a flying visit one New Year to his native glen. The first person he foregathered with was an old school, mate, and naturally they entered on a crack about auld times an' acquaintances. In the course of their conversation the visitor inquired about a certain Sandy M'Nab. "Oh ! he's deid lang syne, answered his worthy friend with a significant head-shake, an' I'll ne'er cease regrettin' him as lang as I leeve." "Losh me ! Did ye respect him as muckle as that, Jock ?" "Naw, man, Archie, it wasna only profound respeck I had for himsel', but, fegs, I mairrit his widow !" ****************************************************************************************************** Dry Sense of Humour A parent at her daughter’s school’s parents’ night was flicking idly through her child’s essay jotter when she noticed that she had mis-spelled “rain” as “rane”. Her daughter’s teacher was clearly quite amused by that as she had written in the margin: “This is one of the worst spells of rain we’ve had in a long time.” ************************************************************************** Vive L'Irlande Apropos Thierry Henry’s handball for France which put Ireland out of the World Cup, a Second World War veteran was heard to remark, “Well, he’s French – of course he put his hands up.” *********************************************************** ************************************************************ Irish Confession Of Sorts Pat from Limerick was a somewhat indiscreet burglar who was drawn into making a confession through an apparently innocent question on the part of the judge. "What are you going to give your lawyer if he proves you innocent of the burglary?" queried the judge. "Half the proceeds of the robbery, sor, " was the unguarded answer. ********************************************************* Irish Proof "The evidence,"said the judge,"shows that you threw a stone in this case." "Sure," replied Mrs. O'Hooliban, "an' the looks av the man shows more than that, yer honour. It shows that Oi hit him." ************************************** Irish Rising "Were you ever up before me?" asked a magistrate. "Shure, I don't know, yer anner," was the reply. "What time does yer anner get up?" ******************************* An Irish Marriage A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forthcoming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources. The Father was obdurate. "No money, no marriage." "Give me lave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go and get money." It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval she returned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a little uneasy. "Anything on your mind, Catherine?" said the Father. "Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now?" "Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder." "Could you not do it yerself, Father? Could you not spoil the marriage?" "No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to do with your marriage." "That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence. There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby and pawned it." ************************************* Glesga Speak! While shopping in Glasgow’s Buchanan Galleries a young woman there with an older lady, pointed to a pair of shoes in an unusual shade of green, and asked: “Oh, Nan, look at these shoes. What shade would you call them?” “Wally close green,” the elderly lady replied, which, although probably not on the manufacturer’s colour chart, was nevertheless an exact description any Glaswegian would recognise. For non-Scots ..... 'wally close' = tiled ground entrance hallway of a Glasgow tenement building ************************************************************ Wrap-Up! A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. “In most parts of the USA we can’t play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring,” the American said. “Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter. Snow and cold are no obstacle to us,” said the Scot. “Well, what do you do? Paint your balls black?” asked the American. “No,” said the Scot, “we just put on an extra sweater or two.” *************************************************** Best Foot Forward ... Backwards? Did you hear about the employee who arrived an hour late for work one winter’s morning and explained to his boss that it was so slippery outside that for every step forward he took, he slipped two back. “Is that so?” replied his suspicious boss. “Then how did you ever get here?” “I gave up and started for home,” replied the tardy worker. ************************************************* ************************************************** 19th Century - Male Chauvinists ! Two shepherds, Donald and Davie, were standing at the door of their shieling in Argyll when two tourists approached. "Och, noo, an' ye'll poth be fery tired, whatever?" said Davie in the best English he could command. "Yes, we are both tired and thirsty," said one of the tourists. "That's a great sorra," replied Donald with apparent sympathy. "We wad haff made ye a cup of tea, but there's nae women in the place but oorsel's." ********************************************************************** 19th Century - Hidden Measures "Is there anything more to put ashore, Donald ?" queried the captain of a steamer at a pier in the West Highlands. "Ay, sir," answered Donald, "there's the twa-gallon jar o' whisky for the Established Church minister." "For the Established Church minister, Donald?" said the captain laughing. "Are ye quite sure it's no' for the Free Kirk minister?" "Quite sure, sir," said Donald cannily. "The Free Kirk minister aye gets his whisky-jar sent in the middle o' a barrel o' flooer!" ************************************************************************ 19th Century - Saturday And Sunday Morning A drouthy Perthshire weaver, noted far and near for his convivial habits, was reeling home one Saturday night. His road lay for several miles along the edge of a moor, and, staggering off the roadway, he was soon knee-deep in heather, and at length resigned himself to the gentle arms of mother earth, and was soon asleep. It was eight o'clock on Sabbath morning when he stood before his own door. "Ye hiv shairly been a lang road last nicht," exclaimed his irate spouse, as he entered the house. "Hoots, woman," he rejoined, with great composure, "it wisna the length o' the road thit troubled me, it wis the breadth." ******************************************************** 19th Century - Jessie And Johnnie A family was seated around the fire one evening, when little Jessie suddenly asked at what time she was born. "You were born at two o'clock in the morning, my child ; but why do you ask?" "Because Johnnie was saying he was born earlier than I was," replied Jessie. "Oh, no ; he was not," said her mother. "He was not born until eight o'clock in the morning." "Well," said Jessie, joyously, my birthday's longer than yours yet, Johnnie." Johnnie, however, was not to be beaten, for he contemptuously responded, "Hoch, what's the use of being born before it's time to get up ?" ***************************************************** 19th Century - No Need To Say Grace One morning a minister on meeting a little boy asked him if he had got his porridge. "Ay," promptly replied the urchin. "And did you ask a blessing before you took them ?" "No' me." "What, not ask a blessing ! Were you not afraid they would choke you ?" "Deed no ; man, they were that thin that they cudna choke me." **************************************************** Sink and Stink An old man was reminiscing with his grandchildren .... "I was one of six children and was forced to share a bed with all my brothers and sisters, some of whom regularly wet the bed. In fact, I learnt to swim before I could walk. ... I remember one night, my mother asked me: "Where do you want to sleep?" I said, "The shallow end." **************************************************************************Short Appointment “I went to the doc’s,” said the chap in the pub the other night, “with a terrible pain in my foot.” “The first thing he said to me was, ‘Gout.’ “But I told him, ‘Hang on, I’ve just got here’.” *************************************** Seeing The Light When Stornoway, Isle of Lewis got its first set of traffic lights just before Christmas in the nineteen-eighties, an elderly chap from rural parts drove in for his annual shopping and went straight through the red light narrowly missing an old dear on her zimmer. When the cops stopped him and asked if he saw the lights, he innocently replied: “Oh, aye. They’re ferry nice.” ************************* True Love ! An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years a go, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old girl what it is." ********************************************************* Reason For Not Resting In The Grave Some years ago, when it was discovered that the body of a female had been taken from the burying ground belonging to a certain Gaelic chapel, the minister meeting a surgeon, well-known for his eccentricities, thus accosted him; “Well, Doctor, is it not a strange thing that the dead cannot get leave to rest in their graves now?" “O my good sir,” said the surgeon, “she could never lie yonder - the woman hadna a single word of Gaelic." ************************************************************************** Market Day Janet Rae, an honest country housewife had occasion, not many years ago, to dispose of the product of her industry at Thornhill Fair, which was at that time a very considerable market for woollen yarn. Janet that day had disposed of her yarn to more than ordinary advantage, and she had taken an extra gill or two by way of celebration. On her way home she met her husband at some distance from the house. “ Weel, Janet, says he, “ye’re coming reelin' hame again as usual."· “Deed ay John, says Janet, "that’s very true; ye ken weel a body canna aye be spinnin'.” ********************************** Ouch! Did you hear about the old fella who complained that when he had plucked up the courage to ask his doctor for a course of Viagra, the doc. had turned him down. He had then asked why, and the doc. had replied: “It would be as much use as putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.” ******************************** ******************************************** Soup ... not Milk ! Some years ago, offshore on a seismic survey ship in a force 10 storm, the dinner menu chalked on the board in the mess read ‘spilt pea soup’. It was not known if the cook had a wry sense of humour or he was just a bad speller. ********************************** Dog Latin From Schoodays “Caesar adsum iam forte, Brutus aderat.” Of course, we pronounced it: “Caesar had some jam for tea, Brutus had a rat.” ************************************************ Come Uppance When dodgy financier Horatio Bottomley was jailed in the nineteen-twenties, he was given the task of making mailbags. The visiting chaplain asked: “Ah, Bottomley, I see you are sewing.” “No padre, reaping.” ******************************************* Penalty ! Two chaps on the train into Glasgow were discussing sport, and one declared: “When I was at school, we had to play rugby. So when I had the chance to play soccer I grabbed it with both hands.” ************************************************* Archaic Ignorance A couple of English tourists looked at the old-fashioned “Apothecary” sign over the chemist’s shop in Inveraray, Argyllshire, and one turned to the other and said: “I don’t know any Gaelic. I wonder what it means?” ************************************************************* Served Him Right ? A sales rep for a Scottish steel company during the Falklands War was stopped for speeding on the M74 en route from Glasgow to Yorkshire. He told the police that he had an urgent component for the Royal Naval Dockyard at Devonport, in the South of England, and that is why he was speeding. He opened his boot to show the officers a part he had picked up from a customer, thinking they would let him go on his way with no ticket. Instead, they escorted him to the county border where he was met by another patrol car who then escorted him to Warwickshire, where again he was met by another car, which continued all the way to Devonport. He then phoned his wife to try to explain why he was further away from home than he had been seven hours earlier. ******************************************************************************************** A Birdie Tiger Woods was at least honest when his wife asked him where he was going and he simply said he was going to play a round.” *********************************************** True Tale A Glasgow teacher tells this story of when she was asking pupils for collective nouns for groups of animals: "I had got “a herd of cows” and “a flock of sheep”, when one youngster put his hand up and suggested “a dose of crabs”. *********************************************** Re-direction Scottish travel agents are cancelling trips to Lourdes and redirecting pilgrims to Ayr, where miracles are happening every day ! Because ...... in Ayr you see lots of folks parking in the disabled bays in the High Street with their blue badges on the dashboard, and then getting out and sprinting across the road to the shops?” **************************************** Convinced! "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ************************************************************* Straight Shooting Bad weather meant a few bumpy landings at Heathrow this week, particularly one flight from JFK. A little Glasgow granny had to register her discontent to the rather sheepish pilot as he stood alongside the flight crew,. “Did you land the plane, son,” she asked. “Yes ma’am.” “Thank God for that,” she said. “I thought we’d been shot down.’ *********************************************************************** Paisley Chat “That’s a cracking (i.e. very, very short) haircut you’ve got Jim.” “Ay, the barber had a special two-for-one Christmas promotion on yesterday”. ****************************************************************************************** Quotes ! Former First Minister Jack McConnnell: “See ma wife Bridget, she got the highly paid job wae Glasgow City Council on merit. She did! She merrit me.” *************************************** PUN-TIME Bra manufacturer Laura Cohen of Lembrassa, was asked, by a Radio Interviewer .... “Why did you take the plunge?” “What did you do before taking the plunge?” "Did you make any boobs when starting the business?" "Do you keep abreast of new innovations?" "What would you do if the company went bust?" Oh, titter ye not! ************************************************************** ************************************************************* Foiled A ned's comment overheard in a pub: “I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think ‘I’m having that!’ ” ******************************************************************************************************* Not My 'Princess'! Santa time makes me think of the Nativity, and the story of the Dundee woman who on Christmas Eve took her swollen-bellied teenage daughter to the doctor, who immediately diagnosed pregnancy. The mother protested of course, claiming vehemently that her innocent princess had never so much as kissed a man, to which the golden child nodded confirmation. Just then, the doctor moved to the window and stared out, searchingly, into the sky. “Is there anything wrong?” asked the mother, the concern evident in her voice. “No, not really” replied the doctor. “I’m just checking. You know the last time this happened, a bright star appeared in the East.” ************************************************ Chic Murray ... again! “Saw 'Glue Hand Luke' in the saloon bar the other night. He was thinking of handing himself in to the sheriff. I said he should stick to his guns.” *********************************************************** Corny Christmas Cracker Jokes: “On what side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside. How do snails keep their shells shiny? They use snail varnish.” ************************************************************************** Clippie Repartee On a wet, blustery day, a small, comfortably built lady, laden with shopping bags came staggering up the Main Street of Cambuslang to the bus stop at the Cross and collapsed, gasping, on the platform just as the bus was about to depart. Red-faced and panting, she asked the conductress: ‘Does this bus go tae Taylor’s the vets?’ Quick as a flash came the clippie’s reply: ‘Aye, sit doon, hen. Ye look as if ye’ve got distemper!’” *************************************************************************************************************** Alternative Meanings 'Negligent': absentmindedly answering the doorwhen wearing only a nightgown. 'Lymph': to walk with a lisp. 'Gargoyle': olive flavoured mouthwash. 'Flatulence': emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 'Balderdash': rapidly receding hairline. *************************************************** Ingenious Wordplay Alter a word by adding, subtracting or changing one letter to arrive at an entirely new definition. e.g. Cashtration: the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Bozone: the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late. *************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** Call Collect An Edinburgh woman was telling her friends about her new enthusiasm for collecting antiques when one told her: “An antique is something your grandma bought, your mother threw out, and you are now buying back.” *********************************************************************** Slang My pal 'Murph' told me about a Glasgow mate of his now living in very middle England, Warwickshire whose neighbours, Paul and Pam, were showing off their new personalised number plates. They couldn’t understand why, after observing the number plates P1SHY and P1SHR, he told them perhaps to avoid any trips to Scotland. ***************************************************************************************** Giving Her A Lift “I surprised the wife with a present of an indoor trampoline for Christmas,” said the joker in the bar. “She hit the roof.” ******************************************************************************************** Watch Your Grammar ! Did you hear about the Barlinnie prisoner being discharged from gaol? No! Well. he had his personal effects returned, including £200 in cash, by a comely female prison officer. Overcome with lust after being incarcerated for so long, he told her she could keep the money if she had sex with him. Immediately his parole was rescinded and he was sent back to his cell..... This proves, of course, that you should never end a sentence with a proposition. ******************************************************************************************* Extreme Weather An apt comment recently made to geneticists: “Forget about cloning sheep. Why not do all a favour and come up with a snow-eating pig which defecates grit?” ********************************************************************************************* Asking For It ! An modern studies teacher discussing the impact of imports used toys as an example. He then asked his class where 'PlayStations' came from. “Japan,” one pupil answered. “ 'The Wii '?” he then asked, to again be told: “Japan.” He perhaps should have left it at that, as his next question: “Lego?” produced, after a lengthy pause: “Legoland?” ******************************************************** Notices - Recently Published in Church Magazines The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet in the small hall on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is having great difficulty in sleeping and request tapes of the minister's recent sermons. ************************************************************************* Oh Dear! An old dear at a bus-stop in Paisley was heard declare: “It’s been like this since Heather the Weather went doon the chute,” I surmise that this is a suggestion that the recent resignation of BBC Scotland weather announcer Heather Reid has somehow played a part in the current deteriorating wintry conditions in Scotland. An uncanny coincidence, right enough. ****************************************************** Dropping A Clanger My pal Jim from Carluke said to me yesterday: “Post-Christmas banter with the missus fell a bit flat when I suggested I knew how to turn a dishwasher in to a snowplough. Handing her a shovel dropped the temperature quite a wee bittie further.” ********************************************************************************************* Remote Rebuff Folk in the Highland village of Embo were concerned that Auld Tam, the shepherd, had not been seen for days. So a rescue helicopter was sent out, and found his remote cottage up to the eaves in snow. His rescuers finally dug down to his door, knocked on it and Auld Tam shouted: “Who is it?” When they replied that it was the Red Cross, Tam shouted back: “Away ye go, I gied ye somethin’ last year.” ***************************************************** ***************************************************** APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH. 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number. 13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning. 14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies! 18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo. 19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! 20. Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the ones that mind, don't matter. 21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. ******************************************** Story of Gritting Roads Lang Syne A father-and-son haulage firm did contract work for Ayr County Council. The son was enjoying himself at a Hogmanay dance in Cumnock Town Hall when the local police sergeant came in and told him he was needed to drive the gritting lorry. His reply: “But Sergeant, Ah’m fu,” cut no ice with the veteran officer who told him: “Ay, but ye’re no’ as fu as yer faither, so you’re driving,” and he was led off to start a long shift gritting the roads around Cumnock. ******************************************************* Two Comical 'Winters' An old worthy from Auchenshoogle was asked, “What were the two worst winters in the past 50 years?” After much thought, he eventually told them: “Mike and Bernie.” ***************************************************** Fall Guy The chap on the BBC news giving advice recently on behalf of the Scottish Avalanche Information Service was Mark Diggins ! ****************************************** When The Law Is An Ass It wasn’t just on the Lake of Menteith that health and safety officials tried to kill off curling last week in Scotland. At Kirk Loch, Lochmaben: The ice was solid, but someone phoned the police to say there were lots of people on the ice and they didn’t think it was safe. Six police officers arrived but they couldn’t go on the ice to warn people because of health and safety regulations, so they passed the buck to Nith rescue, who came with a rescue boat, but because of health and safety regulations they couldn’t go on the ice either. So the Coastguard arrived, lights flashing! But guess what? Because of health and safety regulations, he couldn’t go on the ice either! RESULT: A great day was had by all ! ******************************* No Sympathy An elderly lady told her friend Jeannie that her sister-in-law was ridiculed with arthritis, and Jeannie replied, "It's a shame when someone is berated for having such a condition." ********************************************************* Short Supplies A minister was talking to a group of children about the biblical tale of Noah’s Ark. He asked one of the young lads if he thought Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark. “No,” the youngster replied after giving it some thought. “How could he, with just two worms?” *********************************************************************** Like For Unlike I heard recently about a couple doing a house swap with folk in Florida, who thoughtfully left bottles of chilled water in the car to cool them down. When the couple from Florida arrived in Scotland recently, the Scots couple reciprocated by leaving them hot water bottles in the car. ******************************** Having Mother Over To Dinner Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just room-mates.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mum ************************************************************************* ********************************************************************* An Irish Story As the snow finally began to melt, Sandy from Fintry was walking his dog beside a frozen loch, when the dog suddenly ran on to the ice. A worried passer-by shouted out: “Do you think it’s thick enough?” “Oh, ay!” replied the owner. “He’s an Irish setter.” ************************************************************************* Oh Father ! Father Patrick told the children the story of the Good Samaritan and then asked: “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A little girl broke the silence with: “I think I’d throw up.” ****************************************** Rear View “I keep on thinking that people are talking behind my back,” said Jimmy in the bar the other night. “I don’t suppose it helps that I’m a taxi driver,” he added. ******************************************* Still An'-all There once was an office where the cupboard for pens and paper was labelled “Stationary”. “Mind you,” says Jack who worked there, “it never moved at all in the years it was there.” ******************************************************************** Puzzled One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is room for the snow ploughs to get through." The wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. So today you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through." The wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..........". Then the power goes out. The wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through today?" With the love and understanding in his voice, that all married men exhibit, the husband says....... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this morning?" ****************************************** A Fair Blow At the height of a gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. **************************************** Guid Fur You, Jimmy ! An old lad reminiscing told me about his diminutive pal Jimmy going to the dancing at Ayr Pavilion in 1956 and asking a young lady to dance. Noticing his lack of stature she snapped : “I widnae dance wi’ a wean.” Unperturbed, Jimmy shot back: “Sorry, hen, I didnae ken ye were pregnant.” *************************************************************** Bill - A Hawick Legend The recent death of the great and inimitable rugby commentator Bill McLaren reminds me of when Kenny Logan told me that Bill had given him the local confectionery, a Hawick Ball, before an international, and told him it would make him run faster. Kenny joked he had given Hawick Balls to so many players that he wouldn’t be any faster than the rest of them. “Ay,” replied Bill, “but I never gave any to the English.” ************************************************************ ************************************************************ 'Commone Git Aff' An acquaintanceof mine in NZ told me this amusing story of what happened to him in the Locarno Ballroom, Glasgow in the 1960s: He was asked by his dancing partner: “D’ye like the flair here?” “Och ay, it's awricht” he cautiously replied. “Well, she said, why dinna ye git aff ma taes an try it fur a chynge?” *******************************************************