Seems that a Clan Chiefs
daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in
exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the
shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter
showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his
livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The
fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."
A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber
shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a
girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."
"Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the stairs, "
didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in ?
" You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven, but I
grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you."
The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days
Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England.
I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have
nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His
mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she
pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had
grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day
the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a
woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was
very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child,
" Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the
boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend.
Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he
could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his
friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received
a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to
wrap each piece separately."
Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring
farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
" Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor.
" No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's
the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" "
No it's not that" said the neighbor.
" Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want,
it's $40." "
No, it's not that. " said the neighbor.
" How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter.
" The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come
about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and
I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
" Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I
don't know what he charges for Sandy."
Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when
a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "
Sandy: " You know bonny sweetheart, since I met you, I can't eat...I can't
sleep...! can't drink my whisky."
Fiona: " Why not ? "
Sandy: " I'm broke."
showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the
large tourist bus through central Scotland
" Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ "
They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further.
" On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a
crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery."
An English tourist grew understandably irate.
" Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some
place or other ? "
Sandy glared. " Not on this bus, anyway, " he growled.
Sandy: " Without you, the Highlands are dark and dreary...the clouds
gather and the wind beats the rain...then comes the warm sun...you are
like an island rainbow."
Fiona: " Is this a formal proposal or a weather report ?"
The English General got a case of cold feet before the battle against the
Highlanders. Calling his command together, he said: " Men, we're going to
get beaten, but you must fight as bravely as you can. If worse comes to
worst, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now. "
Nurse:" Dr. MacLeod, there's a man in the waiting room who claims he's
Dr MacLeod: " Tell him I can't see him."
Sandy: " Fiona, here's your engagement ring."
Fiona: " But this diamond has a flaw in it."
Sandy " You shouldn't notice that - we are in love, and love is blind."
Fiona: " Not stone blind."