Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold
northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.
only sausage you like is square.
were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year
at high school.
have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty
is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is
someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.
have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy,
as long as its deep fried - Haggis, pizza, white
pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.
used to love destroying your teeth with - Penny
Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.
always greet people by talking about the weather.
if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia,
Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when
they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you'll
probably ask the DJ to play it)
have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland
play a diddy team.
are proud that Scotland has the highest number of
alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe.
used to watch Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade on a
Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.
got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.
only enjoy Weir's Way on the telly, when you are pissed.
are able to recognise the regional dialect, (Glasgow) 'Awright
pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper Nat, Cheers,
magic pal. (Aberdeen) Fitlike Loon? Furryboots ya bin
up tae? Fair few quines in the night, min. (Inverness)
Ah-eee right enuffff! How's you keeeepeeeen?
know the police are about to arrive when you hear
have witnessed a 'Square Go'
know that when you are asked which School you attended
they really mean, 'Are you Catholic or Proddy?'
have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen
Skink, Tunnock's Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers,
Porrige, Macaroon Bar, Baxter's Soup, Scotch Pie,
Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.
wait at the shop counter for 1p change.
know that the right response to 'you dancing?' is 'you
askin?' followed by 'am askin' and finally 'then am !
associated sawdust with vomit, coz the 'jannie' always,
used to pour it over sick in school.
lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt.
don't do shopping, you 'go for the messages.'
on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.
are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three
words only,-- Awright, aye, and naw.
you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ' You no
have heard the following:
You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,
700 hungry weans'll testify! to that,
If its butter, cheese or jelly,
If the breed is plain or pan,
The odds against reaching earth,
Are ninety nine tae wan.
Or any song by Gaberlunzie.
know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.
holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a
heatwave back home.
go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think,
getting beat 3-2 was 'no a bad result'.
can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and
love deep fried Pizza.
can't pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.
are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter,
can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.
see people wearing shellsuits with Burberry accessories,
and think 'that's class'.
measure distance in minutes.
understand Rab C. Nesbitt.
to Saltcoats because you think its abroad.
can make a whole sentence using only swear words.
know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it! .
know someone who planned their wedding around the
have been to a wedding and the football results have
been announced in church.
are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the
following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint,
seaside home has Calor gas under it.
know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.
could swear before you could count.
would 'nut' a terrorist if they tried to bomb your
are not only Scottish but Glaswegian when you understand
the following- How's it hingin', clatty, boggin',
cludgie, Ba'heid, bawbag, and double nougat.