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Frank McNie's Poems

A Spaceship Landed in Glencoe

 A spaceship landed in Glencoe
  right among the heather
 The captain looked oot and said
 “We’re no here fur the weather”

  Summer’s day in the hills
  Raining, mist and cold
 “Lachie get the special gear
  fi way doon in the hold”

Lachie said “ah hay ma doots”
As he waddled doon the gangplank
 in a raincoat and wellie boots
he said... “whaw  dae a thank?”

From the safety of the mother ship
the captain gave directions
“go oot and find an earthling
and cut him into sections”

“Get samples O the plants
 Taste if they are edible”
“if they’re no ah‘ll be deed
that really is incredible”

Lachie looked aroon and said
“There is nae signs O life
The air is thick and grey here
Ye cin cut it wae a knife”

He tripped oer the heather
And yelled “jist wait a minute
There’s a wiry plant all aroond
there might be something in it”

He took oot some chip sauce
And poured it on his plate
 rubbed the heather awe aroond
he decided jist tae wait

“Take a bite” the captain screamed
“It must be whit they eat”
Lachie nearly choked
And jist stayed on his feet

A sheep wandered up
Lachie tried to feed her
He put beeds aroon her neck
Ind said “tak me tae your leader”

The sheep started bleating
Lachie said “Whit did yi say”
The sheep jist farted
And then she walked away

Lachie trundled after her
phrase book in his hand
He read out loud “ yoo dansin”
But she didn’t understand

They came across a herd of deer
With a Monarch O the Glen
It let out such a roar
Lachie started running then

“Captain come in Captain
Am under attack
A cannie find the spaceship
Am tryin tae come back”.

Lachie come in Lachie
get a grip fur heavens sake
go back and take a prisoner”
“O captain Gees a break”

Lachie wasn’t all that brave
He went the other way
his life was all he could save
To live another day

Lachie came across a piper
Decked out in highland dress
He was rehearsing all alone
With no one to impress

“Captain there’s a fancy beast
wi a skirt and three great horns
screeching and whaling
as if he’s stepped on thorns”

“Catch him Lachie catch him
cut him up, put him in your sack
ye know it’s nearly tea time
time we all got back”

Lachie decided tae be smart
maybe chat her up
“you dancing hen” he said
is that yer little pup”

The pipes went silent
A hush came oer the glen
Lachie started greetin
fur he knew it was the end

Now Lachie is famous
He’s heard throughout the glen
A not so scary ghost repeats
“Are ye dancing hen”

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