I: THE ORIGINS
While Sir Chaz and I were paging each other on March 2th, of 20 hundred
ought one, I began to ponder about the origins of the "Round
Table". Luckily, I was able to check through the only unabridged,
intact copy of the original Volume I: The Book of Facts
(i.e. untouched by the beavers). On page 2035, I read about some
interesting research accomplished by Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk
about one of his ancestors, named Zbohg, who lived in the middle of the
Oligocene Epoch. For those with a genealogically-skewed bent, this would
represent one of the tallest trunks of any known family tree.
It was from this very tree that the first Round Table was constructed.
What better authority than old Professor McClunk could there be? From
these humble bits and pieces, that learned fellow was able to produce
some interesting tomes about round tables in general, and several
excerpts containing his facts and theories made it into that well-worn
copy of the book of books
Volume One: The Book of Facts,
which the beavers have been exchanging ever since Chaz and I introduced
them to each other.
"On that very Saturday stroll during Witsuntide I climbed the
banks above the brackish waters of Horn Inlet to a hilltop where I first
saw the circle of stones. I could envision a time when the stones may
not have been there, but on that hill years ago I began to postulate a
theory about the Round Table of my ancestor Zbohg (pronounced Zog due to
the silent or aspirate b and h). Was it not likely that Zbohg's
companions sat around a fire at such a location to discuss how to hunt
the predatory deer and the sabre-toothed cat. Hence, we had the concept
of the very first Round Table, but without the table. In fact, the
evidence of stones arranged in a circle actually suggests that they had
served as seats long before the existence of a table. Stones, which once
contained the central fire upon such occasions, were eventually used to
support the first round table. Indeed, modern investigative procedures
indicate that the original prototype did not have even a single leg to
Thus ended the initial excerpt of Professor McClunk's theory. So much is
owed to his great work. Early pioneers, for instance, would not have
learned how to "circle the wagons" when attacked by the first
nation inhabitants on the Western Plains and Prairies. In that example,
the professor wisely comments that the participants of the circling
technique had their attention directed outwards
rather than towards
the centre, as would naturally occur at a meeting around a Round Table.
I can't swear that everything is true; so hold off on the email messages
until you have checked out the original copies of McClunk's books at the
Archives of Scotland in Edinburgh.
I hear some incoming mail. The postal service has just dropped off a
resource book from Sir Chaz. WOW ... this will stir the pot and make
I was awakened early one
frosty morning a week or so ago and after finally stumbling down the
stairs, I found Bubba Beaver standing at the door, holding two
books..Turned out that Bubba was moving to larger housing as he and
wife, Junie Belle, had three small beavers in tow and the present
housing was not large enough for them to be comfortable in..In going
through his library, he had came across two books of unknown origin,
both of slight moldy appearance, but otherwise looked almost like new
when cleaned up...One was about the origin of tables and how the came to
be and the usage thereof..I could read one although it was written in
southern beaver mixed with some slang and the other was written in some
unknown language to me but some of it looked to be French, so I sent it
by all speed to my friend, Doug, to see if he could decipher the
contents . As it now appears, we have basically the same book but my
copy is a translation of the original which came from Professor
Thrumbottom Q. McClunk..As these books are well dated and show much
research, we have decided, because we all know that the ES gang are
interested in tables and beavers, that we would make an effort to let
you students of such into a little of the secrets of how tables,
including the various shapes, came to be..As we go along, Sir Doug will
attempt to translate his book and I will attempt to translate my copy
but be warned..southern Beaver language is sometimes not fit for little
children. old dogs and people whose IQ exceeds their waist size..With
this said, I now turn over the chair over to Sir Doug..
continued with an explanation about HTML..I have just found an error in
my ways because I thought HTML was short for "Heres TO my
Mother-in-law"...and I don't drink toast to my
mother-in-law...because I've found toast hard and scratchy to try to
drink unless they are soaked in something. I've tried on several
occasions to figure out the correct method of doing this but I finally
gave up when I nearly choked at the last Beaver Buddies convention of
1998..And I still haven't developed a taste for willow beer to this
Now thats explained, lets get down to serious business..I have found
that after Bubba sobered up, he clarified a few mistakes he had made in
former translations, proving once again that Beavers and Beer don't
mix..although even Beavers don't drive and drink...or is that dive and
drink??..Anyway, a few mistakes were made so I am going to try to
restate them to see if they make any more or less sense...when it was
mentioned that the beheaded one's head had a habit of rolling down hill,
we discovered a paragraph that explained why going after the head was so
important..The heads of one's enemies were kept and displayed on poles
around the camp as a reminder to visitors of their fate if they broke
any of the camp rules while they were there...I had wondered how this
could possibly have anything to do with soccer but this paragraph
explained that when the tribe moved from one camp to another, everyone's
hands were full and no one wanted to carry the heads so it became a
habit to kick the heads along as they traveled..as one person would
tired of kicking the head, he would kick it to someone else who in turn
would kick the head until they got tired..after a while, some of the
younger members of the tribe thought this was great sport and when they
could catch the elders busy doing something else, they would borrow a
head and proceed with a game they called kicking the head but when we
look at Professor McClunk's translation of the language of the Zbohg
tribe, we find that the name was in truth the game now called
soccer...another oddity of McClunk's research and how it has effected
more modern history was something that came as a great surprise to me
because I thought I was somewhat of a student of what we in the states
refer to as "the old west"..the younger men of the tribes of
were the ones who first found a use for the thick clay they found around
their camps..At first, the clay was mixed with water to create mud and
after several piles of mud were collected, a mud battle took place..What
any of this could have to do with the old west you might ask but in the
old west, names were chosen to hide one's true name, probably in hope
that the wife and other relatives wouldn't know what you were doing..It
was discovered that the legend of the mud battles and the fierceness of
same were widely known and caused one band of old west outlaws to call
themselves the Younger brothers..and the eldest of the group, who was
the one who first found out about the mud made from clay being the
weapon of choice to the younger set of the Zbohg band, decided in honor
of himself and besides the fact that he claimed to be related to the
Zbohg tribe of old, named himself Clay Younger and he became the leader
of crooks that struck fear in the heart of many settlers of old, plus a
few banks and a train or two when business grew slack. He had thought
about naming himself Clay Zbohg but didn't think anyone would ever get
the name straight as to spelling and he didn't think the name Zbohg
would strike fear into those he wished to impress.
I'm starting to think Bubba is going to sleep again on me so I'll
continue when I get him up and going again...Isn't history an
interesting subject? More translation coming as the beaver's
renew...Back to you, Sir Doug.......Sir Chaz
Chaz, thanks for the
history. I, too, wondered about why it was so important to go down after
the heads. Now I know how and why "head soccer" came into
A suggestion here, Chaz, (mind it is only a suggestion)......a paragraph
or two would certainly help!
Sir Chaz ... Our Northern
beavers, Jellyroll and Rawhide, are the only ones who could understand
the Beaver French, and it might take some time to translate. To this
point in time, it seems that some of the excerpts from Professor McClunk
in Volume One of the Book of Facts actually came from the Beaver's
edition. Before I received this magnificently bound edition, I could
make neither head nor tail (or even tale) of McClunk's theories. I am
very much indebted to you, my friend.
... Cheers, Doug.
PART III: THE BIG WHEEL
There may be several questions, which arise from time to time in the
minds of the readers. What academic credentials did the illustrious
Professor McClunk possess? Exactly where in the world did his
preliminary archaeological investigations take place? Which additional
discoveries have been attributed to the learned professor? How many
mimsy troves did he slythe among in order to conclude that there is no
evolutionary evidence that the prehistoric haggis had wings? The list
might be endless but, fortunately, most of these questions have been
answered in the "excerpts" (as we shall be referring
henceforth to portions of the aforementioned Volume I). I should add
that our courier service has just delivered a handsomely bound volume,
allegedly written by Thrumbottom Q. McClunk, which we shall be able to
use as a cross-reference to some of the "excerpts". Our
bilingual beavers, Rawhide and Jellyroll, who are very fluent in Beaver
French, are already grumbling about the misrepresentation of certain
Thrumbottom, if we may be so bold as to refer to him by his given name,
has provided a brief outline of his curriculum vitae in an earlier
excerpt (page 699), where he is quoted: "My post-elementary
education was at AH, the Academy of Hardnox. Subsequently, I enrolled in
Varsity as an undergraduate and became recognized as a "big
wheel" on campus as well as off campus (and was often referred to
afterwards as the first BWOC). Faculty mentors and advisors saw some
promise in my acute investigatory abilities, and I proceeded in my
chosen field until a second degree (the Masters) was conferred. In spite
of my love for golf, several faculty members tried to persuade me to
continue working on my thesis, and there was even some talk about giving
me the third degree. How my life changed on a hilltop during a stroll
one Saturday during Whitsuntide!" All of us are indeed grateful
for that event, because Thrumbottom Q. McClunk is now recognized as a
world class authority on round tables (q.v. The Round Table).
It may be of little significance, but Professor McClunk made few
references to the precise location of his early exploratory endeavours.
We suspect that the hilltop was somewhere to the north of today's
Grampians, since he was using the only historical texts that had any
bearing upon his discoveries. Scholars have devoted many hours in their
attempts to validate the existence of the Horn Inlet. Without fear of
contradiction, we believe that much of the problem arose from the
juxtaposition of Horn Inlet and the Grampians. In the excerpt (page 1066
and all that), McClunk outlines the reason for the confusion as follows:
"The records of Roman historian Tacitus, son-in-law to General
Julius Agricola, refer to an unknown hill-slope to the north-east as
Mons Graupius (with the u's being written in the Roman fashion as v's).
Over fifteen hundred years later, Hector Boece compounded the
uncertainty by recording the site of my discoveries as Mons Grampius."
With those simple observations, McClunk appears to have relegated all
history and culture, bar none, to the realm of mistaken identity and
myth. What insight!
In spite of many obstacles, the professor was able to prove beyond any
doubt, that many developments were tied to the power of tribal
continuity and unity
as symbolized by council meetings around the
central fire. Major decisions and rituals received a circular seal of
approval (so to speak). McClunk hastens to warn scholars against drawing
hasty conclusions. He observes that overly- zealous scholars almost
inspired Olympic officials to include "Jumping to Conclusions"
as an event. For example, the origin of engagement and wedding rings may
(or may not) be related to the custom of couples "tying the
knot" by encircling their wrists with twine as elders looked on. As
McClunk correctly postulates, however, almost every social and technical
development was preceded by the invention of the Round Table, whose
earliest version was quite legless. There is a unanimous agreement that
the round table was easier to move when the clan was forced to migrate;
it was simpler to upend a round table and roll it along like a "big
wheel". Just try that with a rectangular one. [We see by the
nodding of heads, that most of you have already tried.]
Rawhide and Jellyroll, the Ken-Eh?-Jun beavers, have been busily
translating McClunk's book. From their noisy response, I have concluded
that they are not in unanimous agreement about some of the finer points
in McClunk's version. Perhaps Sir Chaz can explain what all of the
commotion is about.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Sir Doug...after much
pay-off, otherwise known as bribes, I finally got Bubba back to his
translation of the southern version of the a fore mentioned book. He has
enlisted the aid of his second half brother from his wife's third
cousin's previous marriage....
Now I am beginning to see where we are finally getting somewhere
although where remains to be seen..I thought I smelled willow bark beer
on Bubba's breathe so I am hoping he'll get this all done in a fashion
that makes some sense...
The book he is working on goes back a little further than the original
works of Dr. McClunk..I'm having a time trying to keep this straight
myself but it seems that the original tribe of ZOG, with the letters
left out of the original spelling for ease of typing, had a habit of
beheading all enemies they captured as soon as they ran their pockets
for useable loot or in case of the captive being a fair looking damsel,
well we won't go there, but they took notice that as soon as the head
was severed from the head, it had a propensity to roll away..usually
down hill..I believe this has something to do with Newton's law of
everything on top of a hill will at some time, roll down hill..Not sure
on that point, as McClunk didn't say much about it in the edition we are
looking through..I think this is where the idea of putting rocks in
circles came into being so someone could catch the head when it flew
off..There is reason to believe this is also where and when the game of
soccer was invented...As you referred to in your former post, this is
also when the idea of placing a flat rock to be used in the beheading
became popular..As flat rocks were not readily available, it became
common to carry the tribal flat rock with the tribe when new hunting
grounds were sought out..I believe that Bubba may have stumbled upon a
possible answer to the flat rock becoming a round flat rock....and if
Bubba doesn't stay out of the beer, we may never get this right..A
rectangular rock rolled long enough will finally become round from sheer
force of nature..Another discovery was made when we found out that the
rock was quite heavy and was usually put on a pile of smaller round
rocks to keep it from sinking into the ground and to also give the rock
bearers something to grip when it came time to move the rock..Bubba
suggested something about fires being built under the large now rounded
rock but said the details were in the book that was mule train mailed to
your abode of late..to help with this matter, would you please see if
your copy of the book shows any reference to fires having something to
do with the rock?
In the meantime, I'm going to try to sober up Bubba and his
helper....Yours in research.
Has Bubba been imbibing that hard cider Rawhide processed over the
winter? You'd better check. Even Jellyroll can't get a kick from the
near-beer she was forced to drink to quench her thirst on their most
recent trip down south.
Jellyroll is doing much better with the translations now, but Rawhide is
off somewhere taking a nap most of the time. Anyway, she has concurred
with Bubba's version of how things must have been during the stone age.
[Jellyroll took one of those speed-reading courses, you know!] She has
discovered more about the activities around the Round Table.
Cheers, Sir Doug ;~}
PART V: THE NON-SOCIAL
PART V: THE NON-SOCIAL
Sufficient attention has been given in the Beavers' references to the
social aspects of the meetings during the time of McClunk's ancestor,
Zbohg. Any Kindergarten child could sum up those aspects in one terse
sentence. In fact, that is exactly what happened. A wee tad (and the
"wee" is used advisedly) in Miss Clabbard's class repeatedly
interrupted the proceedings at the precise juncture involving a key
point of the lesson. It should be apparent that Zbohg's council meetings
weren't called for the picayune purpose of chewing the fat or even for
the practicality of keeping warm around the fire. That is not to say
that keeping warm was not an important consideration in those halcyon
From the unabridged text, I learned that Professor McClunk deduced that
the meetings became more business-like after the Round Table was placed
upon the rocks once used as a central hearth. Although the atmosphere of
the discussions was less heated, it was often recalled that cooler heads
prevailed. In the days of his ancestor, it was as true then just as it
is today, that the best business meetings were those in which a purpose
could be identified even if there was only one item on the agenda. The
Round Table was frequently on the agenda, needless to say. Not
surprisingly, someone coined the word "blamestorming" to cover
the corporate ritual of deciding whose fault it wasn't. Some poor soul,
who hadn't said a single word at the meeting, might awake to the sudden
realization that everyone was pointing in his direction.
The term "brainstorming" had not been invented when the
council tackled the most serious problem of preventing the round table
from wobbling as it was rolled from one site to another during times of
migration. The official transporters were usually in a surly mood after
a long journey to a happier hunting ground. The Round Table must have
been on the agenda for several moons (or moonths) before a solution was
discovered. Perhaps the solution was something less than a miraculous
occurrence. Professor McClunk believes that his illustrious ancestor may
have forgotten to douse the live coals before the Round Table was placed
in the centre of the circle. We have every right to question McClunk's
obvious prejudice in favouring his ancestor's role in the discovery, but
it is entirely possible that a hole was burned through the middle of the
table. The abbreviated version of his theory is that a thick stick was
wedged into the hole to prevent further damage after the fire was
extinguished. [A modern patio table with its umbrella might owe its
existence to this event long ago.] We may have alluded to the "big
wheel" theory earlier, but much credit goes to the transporters.
When they tried to remove the thick stick from the centre of the Round
Table, it wouldn't budge. At first they were disappointed, but they were
overjoyed when they discovered that their job was made easier. The axle
had been invented.
Flushed with the success of this kind of business meeting, Zbohg's
council decided that such meetings were a good thing. They became a
ritual. They were held for basically the same purpose as Hallowe'en is
held ... namely tradition. "Aha! It's Woden's Day. Must be time for
another meeting." And so it went
whether there was an agenda or
Strange as it may seem. It was during one such traditional meeting that
the table sprouted legs. Professor McClunk swears that Zbohg must have
fallen asleep; otherwise he would have given short shrift to the
perpetrators of the deed. Unknown individuals at the meeting placed hot
coals at the edge of the table to form the vertices of an equilateral
just for the heck of it. Realizing the error of their ways,
they tried to cover up their dastardly deed by plugging the resultant
holes with three thick twigs. Naturally, they were left with rather
unsightly pieces of wood sticking up into the air
even after they
made an effort to trim them off at equal heights. To further exacerbate
the situation, our motley crew decided to turn the table over to hide
their misdeeds. Turning the tables turned out to be a fun game
thereafter at their meetings, but we digress. As Zbohg slept on,
everyone vanished from the Round Table, which stood proudly and firmly
upon its three legs. Since only three points were required to define the
surface plane upon which it stood, the first Round Table (with legs to
stand upon) did not wobble. Absolute strangers were persuaded to sit
around the new structure and wait until Zbohg awoke. An appointed
politically-correct spokesperson announced in a loud voice, "Zbohg,
you must realize that your plan was full of risks. We were left with no
alternative, except to implement it. I only hope, for the sake of the
council, that you can accept the consequences." With that, the
strangers departed in haste, leaving Zbohg sitting quite befuddled at
Thus, the council had its Round Table with three legs to stand upon.
Additionally, they could hold two kinds of business meetings ... those
which had agendas ... and those which occurred because it was Woden's
Day. At least that is what Professor McClunk would have us believe.
[Jellyroll has worn herself out with all this translating, and I see
that Rawhide has returned fully refreshed from his afternoon snooze.
Dagnabbit! We are going to have a meeting ... even if it is not Woden's
Cheers, Sir Doug ;~}
Whew!!! I'm exhausted from
all that reading and I'm not much further ahead except that a table now
exists, is now round and has 3 legs. Just curious, what happened to Part
II? Obviously not relevant to the round table theory perhaps. Another
one, what is Woden's Day?
Look forward to the continuing story...but don't rely on those beavers
too much. I would question some of their translations [grin]
the Sun Always Shines
On 03/14/01 05:58:00 AM,
Meta-Anne Hudson wrote:
>Whew!!! I'm exhausted from all
>that reading and I'm not much
>further ahead except that a
>table now exists, is now round
>and has 3 legs. Just curious,
>what happened to Part II?
Chaz has been a wee bit leery of HTML, but there is always the
possibility of conversion here. We are actually alternating the sections
according to plan. Chaz is taking the even PARTs. His references
indicate that stone age tables (made from rocks) actually predated the
wooden ones. Amazing!
>Obviously not relevant to the
>round table theory perhaps.
>Another one, what is Woden's
Well, normally we would call it Wednesday, but all of the events
happened so long ago that the records refer to the day named after the
Norse god, Woden. If we consider the many versions of the
"Calendar", I don't suppose it would matter if they had
referred to Thor's Day!
>Look forward to the continuing
>story...but don't rely on
>those beavers too much. I
>would question some of their
It is always wise to use caution when beavers become involved. They
are quite unpredictable. Why ... just yesterday I caught Rawhide
speaking in rhyming couplets ... as if he was acting in a Shakespearean
play. However, Chaz and I must rely upon the beavers for the vast fund
of information that has been stored away about trees ... and wood
products. Their memories and powers of observation are remarkable ...
and their memories of past eras are unmatched by most other species ...
[or so Rawhide and Bubba have often said].
>Downunder....Where the Sun
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Up and Over ... Where the Sun Is Trying to Shine Today
FACILITATING THE PROCESS
One factor may have been overlooked and that was the
invention of paper. With paper and some carbonized sticks from the fire
in the middle, it became very difficult to write on the soft earth and
so the table was required to facilitate this writing process. I received
this information from an internet site:
On 03/14/01 09:12:00 AM, Hugh
>One factor may have been
>overlooked and that was the
>invention of paper. With paper
>and some carbonized sticks
>from the fire in the middle,
>it became very difficult to
>write on the soft earth and so
>the table was required to
>facilitate this writing
Sir Hugh S. :)
Actually, very few
factors have been overlooked. There are an infinite number of
connections to those early times ... much more than we can hanle. We are
fortunate to be able to use those ancient fire pits for carbon dating.
Naturally, you are aware that lead pencils contain no lead. That's
carbon. We are still looking around for evidence of prehistoric pencils
... with very little success, I might add.
> I received this information
> from an internet site:
Your URL is lacking a DNS server [or was it DNA?].
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Looking forward to the
animated version of this story, Meta-Anne, although it might be wise to
do the condensed version something like Reader's Digest!! lol
On 03/16/01 03:03:00 AM,
Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Looking forward to the
>illustrated version of this
>story, Meta-Anne, although it
>might be wise to do the
>condensed version something
>like Reader's Digest!! lol
Hmmmm. Don't tempt me. Think I will certainly wait for the condensed
the Sun Always Shines
On 03/16/01 06:12:00 AM,
Meta-Anne Hudson wrote:
>On 03/16/01 03:03:00 AM, Doreen Robinson
>>Looking forward to the
>>illustrated version of this
>>story, Meta-Anne, although it
>>might be wise to do the
>>condensed version something
>>like Reader's Digest!! lol
>Hmmmm. Don't tempt me. Think I will
>certainly wait for the condensed
>Downunder....Where the Sun Always Shines
Now that is what I call ...
HIGH HOPES !!!
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Where the temperature is seasonal.
Having finally awakening the
sleepy headed Bubba who is now complaining about the noise of the new
ones and the quality of the food service, we shall go forth and see what
the connecting paragraph holds.. Known as SECTION #6....Assuming we are
keeping this in order of some kind as Ms. Clabber would have said.
After we got the torn page back together, we found the reason for
several other inventions that the tribe of Zbohg were responsible for..
some even I wouldn't have thought of.. After the younger members of
the tribe tired of throwing mud, which has since became a huge political
game, someone came up with the idea of making a hat of the mud which
would keep their heads cool, so several made hats, according to the size
of their heads and wore them all day and enjoyed the coolness of a mud
hat.. As night wore on and everyone gathered around the fire, the young
bunch laid their mud hats by the fire so they could use them the next
When they got up the next morning, the hats were hard and dry, making
them unsuitable for keeping the heads cool so they went off to make new
hats...The women of the tribe noticed the hats and not knowing what they
were for, someone filled one with water to see if it would leak
out...The first pot was invented that day...and after looking at some of
the flatter hats, it was determined that some of them might even be
suitable for eating from...
All seemed to be working well now that we have watched the invention of
the round table, which brought about the invention of the axle and wheel
and now we have watched clay plates and bowls being invented...Of
course, all this is referred to in McClunk's book on page 1344,
paragraph 6, section 4.
Not being an authority on the correctness of either Professor McClunk or
the Bubba version of this translation, I'll have to take their word for
its correctness...More later as my quill pen inside my computer has ran
out of ink....Chaz
Sir Chaz: Ms. Clabbard kept a
very orderly Kindergarten class and every member of the class remembers
with fondness those mid-morning snack-breaks followed by the
"nappies". Unfortunately, all of the lessons have long since
been forgotten ... probably because of the wee tad who was waving his
hand in the air and interrupting the proceedings.
The very mention of food has made Jellyroll and Rawhide very hungry. The
invention of pots and bowls made eating a whole lot easier in those
As McClunk says, "Nobody thought of using the table for food at
first, because the men were still learning how to conduct the business
meetings on the topic of hunting for the predatory deer and the sabre-toothed
Well, perfect practice makes perfect ... (or so they say) ...
PART VII: TABLING A MOTION
Most business meetings around the Round Table require that some modicum
of work or participation should be accomplished within a specified
period of time. Agendas (in days of yore) were literally chiselled in
stone. Given freedom to choose, any rational being would prefer ordinary
participation over strenuous work at any given moment, hour, day, etc.
Those who attend meetings are obliged to choose between the two modes
unto the present time.
Ordinary participants included Kings, Knights (when they were not
gallomping about the countryside), committee chairpersons, consultants,
long-range planners and the like. If individuals belong to the category
of the honoured "ordinary participant", they are guaranteed a
cushy job for life (provided that they could avoid hand-to-hand combat
whatever the occasion or location) ... besides which they are allowed to
choose the most comfortable stones to sit upon at all business meetings
around Round Tables. Professor McClunk deduced that his ancestor, Zbohg,
must have been involved as an ordinary participant of some stature in
the community. There was no history of piles or haemorrhoids amongst
The true workers at those meetings were easily identified by their
note-taking implements (which would eventually evolve into the sharpened
pencils and note pads of today ... although a few clever readers may
have noted that the obsolete phrase "chiselled in stone"
continues to be used in reference to certain executive decisions). In
general, you could spot upwardly mobile co-workers by the way that they
used their note-taking skills. It was important to present motions, but
even more important to have someone else do the actual recording.
Promotions went to those who could manoeuvre copious notes into someone
else's hands for the final report.
Sometimes you could avoid actual work simply by looking busy ... but not
often. Excellent examples of elaborate doodles, caricatures of head
honchos and fanciful art have survived from those early business
meetings to the present day. Few of those industrious workers were
promoted, however. Perhaps this is the simple explanation why the Beaver
Society did not develop at the same pace as did humans. Professor
McClunk (q.v. the excerpt in a footnote on page 1104) stated that
phrases such as "busy as a beaver" and "eager
beaver" are very telling attributes.
No sooner had I typed a reference to beavers, than Jellyroll
let out a high-pitched "Neep ... Neep ... Neep" and Rawhide
erupted with a rumbling "Tattie ... Tattie ... Tattie" in
reply. Distracted by all of these "neeps and tatties", I was
finding it quite difficult to concentrate.
"Je crois qu'il ne sera pas trop difficile traduire le langue en
francais de castor," squeeked Jellyroll, indicating (of course)
that Beaver French was well within her realm of understanding. "Merde!"
Rawhide flapped his tail and mumbled to himself as Jellyroll stumbled
through a chapter entitled "The Complete Facts About Tables."
Jellyroll: "Actuarial Tables." ... Rawhide: "Merde!"
... Jellyroll: "Interest/Taxation Tables." ... Rawhide: "Aussi
Merde!" ... Jellyroll: "Multiplication Tables." ...
Rawhide: "Plus de Merde!" ... And so it continued until
Jellyroll came to "Round Tables", at which point Rawhide
omitted his usual "Merde" and ambled over for a Beaver/Castor
During this entire time, I had been flipping through Volume I of The
Book of Facts in my attempt to locate further excerpts by
McClunk. At the bottom of page 999 (damned near 1000, actually) there
was an English translation of the section from which the beavers were
reading. Without the Round Table it was highly improbable that any of
the historical motions would have been tabled, and it is extremely
doubtful that any of the assorted other tables would have been invented.
Excited about this new information, I mailed this immediately to my
friend Sir Chaz for his comments.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
VII½: THE SOCCER CONNECTION
Whewww!!! Now I'm totally lost but I guess the beavers still know
exactly what this is all about. Give them another beer [grin]
"The heads of one's enemies were kept and displayed on poles around
the camp as a reminder to visitors of their fate if they broke any of
the camp rules while they were there...I had wondered how this could
possibly have anything to do with soccer but this paragraph explained
that when the tribe moved from one camp to another, everyone's hands
were full and no one wanted to carry the heads so it became a habit to
kick the heads along as they traveled..as one person would tired of
kicking the head, he would kick it to someone else who in turn would
kick the head until they got tired..after a while, some of the younger
members of the tribe thought this was great sport and when they could
catch the elders busy doing something else, they would borrow a head and
proceed with a game they called kicking the head but when we look at
Professor McClunk's translation of the language of the Zbohg tribe, we
find that the name was in truth the game now called soccer..."
Here's one from Sir Alastair.......think he left it in the wrong
PS. I don't think she's any relation to Scoot Er.
the Sun Always Shines
VII¾: A GRAVE THOUGHT
an addendum of a 'true nature,' not that all these many, many, many,...
learned discourses are not true...
Using Human heads for soccer is not entirely without fact.
There's a graveyard in Fenwick - between Glasgow and Kilmarnock - that
contains the graves of many Covenanters - Lu knows all about them now -
some of the headstones are very descriptive and at least one of them
narrates a tale of how the game was played with the head of the person
Nice people our ancestors...
Ah, Meta-Anne & Sawney,
you may recall (from Alice In Wonderland) that the Queen was prone to
shout, "Off with her head!". During her reign, it is said that
many heads did indeed roll. Games could have serious outcomes in those
Nowadays, we try to keep wee tykes amused during lengthy journeys. What
better way than to have the stone age kids play "Kick the Can"
with a spare head. Of course they were imitating the adults, but why not
let them think that the game was their own invention. Before rules were
developed for soccer (or even field hockey), it was possible to have
unevenly divided teams with as many as 50 players per side. I am still
looking for the reference about the first clay salad-bowls being used as
helmets or head-guards during soccer games. This is fun!
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Meta-Anne..Surely you don't
think we would pull your legs about facts of history..Maybe our approach
bends history just a wee bit but we'd never come right out and lie about
such truths as the research of Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk..He,
alone, by himself, made shambles of much of what is presented as fact
now by those less educated and is taught as fact in our leading colleges
and places of higher learning, even in Beaver University of Mass. (BUM
some of this wrongness is still presented as fact...One thing that
McClunk did bring up that has not been proved was that when the early
settlers of this country, USA and Canada, Beavers were actually trapped
and skinned and the skins were used for making hats for the gentlemen in
europe and other strange places..according to McClunk, when Zog's tribe
heard about this practice and told all the beavers about it, the beavers
trapped a few humans and skinned them and made hats out of their skins
but they thought it looked so dumb, the practice was soon forgotten, at
least by the beavers..The settlers kept the practice alive for several
years...McClunk claims to have some drawings of beavers wearing humand
skin hats somewhere but we have been unable to locate them so far..Some
tips were left as to where they were but unfortunately "han-guk mal
ul chal hal tchul molia yo" and Ich spreche kaum Deutsch "
either so translation has been somewhat slow..Bubba said "Sie
leiden unter nervoser spannung"..I agreed and then he added "Welche
tabletten haben sie genommen?"..I told him it was none of his
business and get back to something I could understand..As he started
mumbling again, I said BUBBA~!!!!! YONG-O RUL HAL TCHUL ASE YO,
please...he finally agreed to go back to the beaver-english which I
understand most of
the time but by now I'm tired so I'm going to go take a nap....Chaz
Chaz, I am ROTFL - you and
the beavers have brilliant writing skills. Unbelievable!!
Now, Meta-Anne, to help you out, here are the inventions to date:
Oh, and human-skin hats....nearly forgot that important item!!
On 03/16/01 03:31:00 AM,
Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Chaz, I am ROTFL - you and the
>beavers have brilliant writing
>Now, Meta-Anne, to help you
>out, here are the inventions
>Oh, and human-skin
>hats....nearly forgot that
Thanks Doreen. Maybe we should take it in turns reading just as they do
writing. I fell asleep in the corner briefly from exhaustion [grin]
the Sun Always Shines
Chaz is quite right! Nobody
could pay either of us to lie about the historical facts ... and besides
nobody has even made an offer ... recently ... hardly at all. That's a
PART IX: A VERY UTILITARIAN PURPOSE
The unsuccessful members of society were those who never learned how to
attend business meetings. Individuals who carried messages to and from
meetings were ultimately excluded from the decision-making process ...
as was the court jester. Just show me someone who wants to be banged
over the head with a pillow tied to the end of a "slap stick".
Nobody. I thought so. It was far more important to be in a position of
power ... sitting around the Round Table. There is certainly no prestige
unless your job could cost thousands of people their lives or livelihood
with a single block-headed decision.
As stated earlier, one of the primary purposes of the business meeting
in days of yore involved the matter of providing food. Needless to say,
the task of hunting fell to some of the very males who were keeping warm
by sitting around the Round Table in their capacity as consultants and
The Jester's place in medieval society was preserved at the pleasure (so
to speak) of the king or head honcho. Unencumbered by the need to
participate at the Round Table ... and actually being physically
discouraged from such involvement ... the Jester was almost
single-handedly responsible for the extinction of the sabre-tooth cat.
Slap-sticks can be quite deadly. Well, that's life! Somebody has to be
low man on life's totem pole.
Perhaps it is time that the females of the species were mentioned.
Hunters were free to hunt as soon as the meetings were adjourned. On the
rare occasion that some prey was slain, it was the female's task to
perform the cooking rituals. The hunters were unprotected against the
elements, whereas their agile prey (the predatory deer) had a warm fur
coat. It is not surprising that hunters devoted much energy at the Round
Table sessions by prolonging the meetings and putting off the
adjournments. It took some time for the humans to discover that they
were in danger of starving. The women, not being obsessed by the virtues
of well-run business meetings, simply munched on local vegetation ...
and the seeds of modern agriculture were sown (again so to speak). The
predatory deer, attracted to the cultivated gardens, recognized a good
thing ... and became vegetarians. None of these developments would have
occurred had it not been for the meetings around the Round Table. The
council soon conceded that the table could be put to use for the
mundane, but practical, purpose of serving food. How clever!
The beavers bristled at the very mention of fur. It matters not that my
winter hat is made of fake beaver fur. Jellyroll ambled away to resume
her work, and Rawhide completed a poem which had very little to do with
the topic under discussion ... as he leaned lazily against my favourite
tree and gazed upwards to the sky.
A butterfly has so few worries;
It rarely screams and never scurries.
When winds blow cold
(So I am told)
The King of all the flutter-by's
Packs up and flies to southern skies.
A beaver, on the other hand,
Is known by all throughout the land.
(A busy gnome)
He stays at home
The whole year round and is not fickle.
He earned his place upon the nickel.
Well, no-one said that one of our Ken-eh?-jun icons had to be "busy
as a beaver" at all times. Just imagine the honour of sharing your
portrait with the Monarch on a five-cent coin!
[ED. NOTE: Egotism does not run in Rawhide's family. It took a left turn
while speeding down the throughway of life. After Rawhide took his
share, there was nothing left for the others.]
Rawhide is rapidly learning the world of business meetings and is fast
becoming executive material.
Signed: Rawhide OOPS ... Cheers, Doug ;~}
The Beavers are obviously
very well educated. How many generations of Beavers have graduated from
BUM U?? They have a definite knack of veering off topic .... are you
sure they don't post on ES regularly??? *big grin*
Doreen & Meta-Anne :)
Here is some feedback from Jellyroll and Rawhide on some of your
They were reluctant to trust humans after the scare tactics about beaver
hats. I took them aside and reminded them that humans would be unlikely
to rob them of their fine fur jackets in these days of synthetic
Moments later, Rawhide took me aside and gave me an English translation
of Jellyroll's most recent readings in Beaver French. Long ago, there
was some concern about the duration of meetings, particularly when the
population of knights began to rise. The King's tournaments, while
partially successful at thinning the numbers, left a significantly large
number who wanted a pre-scheduled time to conduct their own meetings ...
thus, the Knights of the Round Table, which most readers have heard
Proper decorum was never their concern. The prevailing theme seemed to
involve getting comfortable (after wearing heavy armour all day) ...
placing their feet upon the table ... putting their chewing gum under
the chairs ... letting off a wee fert or a belch and pointing towards
the King (if he was present) ... and telling tall tales that absolutely
nobody could possibly believe. Rawhide concluded that he could have
shortened those meetings simply by maintaining the correct lie while
gnawing at a nearby tree until it fell across the table and scattered
I laughed nervously at the idea, but thought (to myself) that a warning
"tree-mail" message would alert the neighbouring tribe of
dangerous beaver activities. [A designated tree between villages
facilitated communication via "tree-mail" long ago, when smoke
signals proved unreliable during the rainy season.]
I hope that answers a few of your questions ... including the habit of
veering off topic. We would never have thought of that aspect. A digest
version (of veering off topic), you suggest? Never! Absolutely not!
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Chaz has indicated that he
had some problems with logging in after he changed his password. He also
stated that he was tiring easily of late. Everyone at ES wishes him
well, I know. And a few of us are aware of the trials and tribulations
of some treatments and medication. Let us not forget the amount of time
and attention that Grandpa can give to the new triplets either. It would
be Chaz's wish that we continue "The Round Table" project ...
for at least a couple of more posts. Here's to Chaz! Our prayers are
with you, my friend.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
PART XI: OPEN UP AND SAY AAW
I know some people who have worked all of their life and still didn't
know what their jobs were. My dentist is one of them, I think. Well,
maybe not. It's just that I don't seem to be able to have a decent
conversation with the fellow when my mouth is frozen and filled with
instruments held by both of his hands. I do know that he would be lost
without his round table and its tray filled with assorted picks,
shovels, drills and glue guns. Whatever else you do before you retire,
my best advice for everyone is --- find out what it was that you have
been doing all of your life. I'd also be willing to wager a substantial
amount that you have more than a passing acquaintance with tables. At
least our ordinary participants and true workers around the Round Table
seemed to be spending more and more of their time either at or in close
proximity to one while attending their lengthy meetings.
MmmHmm! It was business as usual until one day some unknown member
placed a Member's Bill right at the top of the Agenda. Horrors! It
suggested that they should consider ways to make the meetings shorter.
That one item kept two consultants, several advisors and three
committees going until the hunting season, just when the hunger pangs
set in. The final report was such that it would be wise for today's
attendees of business meetings to take heed. According to Professor
McClunk's excerpt on page 2306, it went something like this ...
1. Take turns raising your hands in order to be recognized by the chair.
2. State your name loudly and clearly if he truly does not recognize
3. When your turn comes up, quickly tell the chair that whatever you are
supposed to be doing is still a work-in-progress. It may sound stupid,
because it is obvious that you haven't been twiddling your thumbs all
this time, and you are supposed to be completing whatever it was you're
working on. You would claim that this was the case, even if you weren't.
It makes sense.
4. After a couple of such claims, it would be traditional for the chair
to ask that everyone, who was still working on what he was working on,
raise his hand. For obvious reasons, regular participants (such as the
King, Head Honcho, Chairman, Knights, Consultants and Advisors) are
excused from raising their hands under these circumstances, so they
became quite proficient at providing the motions to adjourn the business
meeting. [ED. NOTE: Pay attention at the next business meeting to see if
this isn't a fact. As your homework assignment, try to discover if there
is a private agreement amongst the regulars to take turns providing the
motion to adjourn ... just to prove that they were there by getting
their names in the minutes.]
5. If the preceding points are rigorously adhered to, most business
meetings can be concluded in under three minutes, even if you allow for
the chairman's attempt at humour at the outset of the meeting.
This kind of meeting accounts for 78% of all types of meetings according
to Rawhide, who simply scratched out some random numbers on the bark of
my favourite tree until one of them looked about right. On every
occasion when I have seen these fundamental principles put into
operation, the meeting proceeded with haste and all participants
departed within the allotted time. Well, we have stretched the truth a
bit. There was one occasion when the meeting dragged on longer than
expected. If you discover that one of the participants is a certain
Tommy Jones from Ms. Clabbard's Kindergarten class, try to ignore his
raised hand. Tommy has patented his "hand raising routine",
and is taking the show on the road (so to speak). Open up and say,
"AAW! Isn't he cute though."
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Is it you or the beavers who
have their teeth "glued" in place?? And, could it be.... is it
really "THE" Tom Jones. (Swooning at the very thought!!!)
Also heard it rumoured that the Knights of the Round Table have been
known to remove their shoes and socks!!! Horrors!!! Could it be true???
On 03/17/01 02:32:00 AM,
Doreen Robinson wrote:
>Is it you or the beavers who
>have their teeth "glued" in
The beavers have nothing but the very best stainless steel implants.
About one year ago they made their way to Alabama to visit some cousins
(Bubba was one, I think) and they helped Chaz clear the forest on his
back 50. Chaz tried to return Rawhide and Jellyroll by inserting them
into his disk drive, and they required a substantial amount of dental
work. Rawhide has been reluctant to travel since then. [My teeth should
be so lucky. They have been travelling ever since I was born.]
>And, could it be....
>is it really "THE" Tom Jones.
>(Swooning at the very
Tommy almost passed out laughing at the idea, but he does get mixed up
with that other fellow ... not the singer ... the one in the novel of
the same name by Henry Fielding back in 1749. He is a riot!
Yesterday, he asked me, "Did you have any friends growing up?"
M-m-m-phf! I reassured Tommy, that yes, indeed, most of my friends did
grow up. What a silly question!
>Also heard it rumoured that
>the Knights of the Round Table
>have been known to remove
>their shoes and socks!!!
>Horrors!!! Could it be true???
This only happens when they are due for their annual pedicure, I can
Cheers, Doug ;~}
That's a relief!!
On 03/18/01 12:59:00 AM,
Doreen Robinson wrote:
>That's a relief!!
ROFL....I've just been reading, not commenting!!! It gets too much for
me at times!! I run out of time. But I do appreciate the postings.
We are relieved that you have been relieved. Your unsolicited review of
the situation was much appreciated by the Knights. They are delighted
that someone has "cleared the air" on that subject (so to
As the unchallenged (at the recent election) president of Banter's Royal
Society of the Most Honourable Spelunkers (MOTTO: "You
First" or "Tu Primus"), your comments would be most
welcome. Sometimes those beavers are too much for me as well.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
PART XIII: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
A member of our custodial staff has just submitted an important
"If any readers are currently chewing gum, please do not place the
wad under your chair. This request comes from the janitorial staff and
custodians of the room of the Round Table. Please accept the following
assignment with the good intent in which it is offered:
1. Write "I must not chew gum while reading this serious
treatise" fifty times on the nearest wall.
2. Photograph the wall and prove your sincerity by sending a print to
the authors. [Merely saying that you have followed these directions
matters little. The staff does not trust the honour system.]"
The following coupon fell out of the well-worn copy of Volume One. It
must have been used by one of the beavers as a bookmark.We thought that
the hand-numbered limited 2nd edition had been completely sold out.
[Ed. Note: The coupon must be read directly at the ES Community WebBoard
page in order to appreciate its true beauty
the variations in
texture and size of the fonts ... the colourfulness
honesty of its pristine presentation. No kidding. Would I lie?]
$200 Mail-in Rebate
(Only ONE Per Customer)
... off the original cost of a genuine
original reproduction of Volume I: The Book Of All Facts
Valid until February 22th, 1998.
Yours for only $29.98
when accompanied by this coupon
Valid only where permitted by law,
excluding some provinces and states beginning with the letter
Congratulations! If you can read the small
print, you have just saved yourself a bonus eye examination worth far
more than the cost of this offer.
Would the perpetrators of the preceding prank messages please raise your
unless your name is Tommy Jones from Ms. Clabbard's
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Me thinks the designer of
said coupon is puffed up with pride!! ~~)
I agree. A posse is being
assembled to round up the perpetrators. I wonder where those beavers
have disappeared to.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Was Bubba with them?? Maybe
they are heading down Chaz' way to pick him up.
Not possible. Rawhide remembers what happened the last time he went
south ... and Jellyroll will drink almost anything to avoid the near
beer that she had to drink. I might attempt to coax them to join us when
we fly to Florida at the end of next month, but we'll have to come up
with an enormous incentive.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Flying First Class might
work. lol Be sure to keep them away from those nasty crocodiles.
They'll be alright. Don't
forget those very expensive, stainless steel implants.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
to PART XIII
1. Do not read these postings.
2. Reading these postings, either in part or in their entirety, will
constitute no liability on the part of the authors.
3. If you should choose to ignore instruction #1, read the PARTS in
random order to preserve what is left of your sanity.
4. Safety Instruction #4 (SI4) was perfectly ridiculous and had to be
removed from the list. Nobody in their right mind would have implemented
5. In the event of comprehension failure, scream loudly to attract
attention. [Placing the head on the keyboard, beating one's hands
against the monitor and stomping both feet against the accessories has
failed on all experimental trials.]
6. Please make frequent note of the position of your ON/OFF switch at
7. If Safety Precautions are required while reading PART VIII, loosen
all articles of clothing and breathe deeply. [Most readers will have
taken the full Safety Precautions Course, which was offered free of
charge last year, anyway. It was so popular that no demand was made on
our money-back offer.]
8. If stricken with a bout of ROTFLMAO while reading comments by our
beloved critics, return immediately to PART I and read twice, but
contact your Family Physician if the condition persists.
9. Removal of these instructions is a violation of the law and will
several exactly seven years of bad jokes.
The publication rights to PART VIII are still available. Public bidding
will close on St. Andrew's Day, 2001, at 11:59 PM EST.
LOST & FOUND
The following draft of an untitled poem was found in the Chat Room.
Anyone, who knows the author, is asked to contact the manager of this
website. Critics of the Arts may submit their articles to the
I've seldom seen a
By the shore of Gitche Gumee
Attempt a waltz or do
By the shining big sea water
Perform a pirhouette
Stood the wigwam of Nakomis,
The thought is stupid
Daughter of the moon Nakomis.
These hastily scribbled lines were signed by Hank
I offer my sincerest apologies to the person(s) who paged me to request
the recipe for "Beaver Tail Soup" on the weekend. My only copy
vanished mysteriously (What other way could it have possibly
disappeared? Think about it.) on Monday morning to be perfectly Frank.
As I have always said ... Frank is indeed perfect, but there I go
digressing without any warning again. To my utter astonishment, Frank
knocked at the front door just five minutes ago holding a crumpled,
badly smudged paper. No, it wasn't the recipe ... but it was a
reasonable facsimile ... (what was still legible, that is). Some inhuman
creature had substituted 2 or 3 well-marinated rats' tails for the main
ingredient and "whisky" was spelled "whiskey". That
leaves very little by way of clues to go on. All that I can recall about
the balance of the recipe was the garden vegetables and four litres of
water. Sorry again.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Y U K!!! Please! I repeat P U
L E E S E!!
Do not post in the "Food & Drink" Conference!!
I chose to ignore the first
of the safety instructions.
I understand there is no liability to the authors. I feel that you should
be aware of a few things anyway.
I followed #3,and read the posts in a random order. I had to read them
many, many times. That resulted in accidentally reading them in order.
I screamed loudly as per the safety instructions.
I have no beaver, but was receiving encouragement from Sir Whiskers (a
Despite our best efforts, I was stricken with a severe case of ROTFLMAO
with a touch of NWMP (nearly wet my pants).
My physician directed me to hurry to the emergency room, and I believed
his advice to be sound. At that moment, Sir Whiskers was also stricken.
case was most severe. He was "froze" on his back, with all for
legs in the air. He also had a large smile on his wee face. I decided to
seek treatment for him as well, and put him in my pocket.
After much time had passed, I was given a room. The doctor sat in front of
me, and moved in close. At that exact moment, Whiskers recovered and leapt
from my pocket.
The doctor then swooned and fell from his seat. The remainder of my
ROTFLMAO, was then expelled. I was cured as well. The effects are
temporary, and may be shortened by visiting humor (or find a person prone
Whiskers noted that the doctor was sitting on a stool.
I wonder what Professor McClunk would say about that???
Tracy, you have made poor
Buggles have a "turn" he is afraid of rodents and was sitting
on my lap. He fell off the keyboard and started twitching violently for
I was about to take him to Dr McMugg when he came around, but now he
won't come near the 'puter, just in case that mutant hampster is
Evidently you found a copy of
SI4 (Safety Precaution #4) floating around. It covered blaming
everything on pets, including Siberian hamsters, while being attended to
in the office of a qualified physician. BTW - how did you know that my
child bride was one of the world's foremost experts on hamsters? We met
a colony of their Siberian cousins outside our yurt when we were in
Inner Mongolia back in 1988! [NO KIDDING]
SI6, the location of your ON/OFF switch is of paramount importance.
Obviously yours was turned ON. Therefore, SI7 may be bypassed if you
have taken the full SFC on survival. Thank heavens you made it this far.
Please advise Tracy that poor Buggles may require extensive therapy, but
nobody can afford my rates ever since I retired. [CHUCKLE]
Cheers, Doug ;~}
I am relieved that you have
online help. I will watch that button more carefully from now on!!!
Important piece that wee button!!
(Deep breath now)
I will be fine.
Those little siberian hamsters are cute aren't they.
Funny you mentioned a colony. Whiskers provided his own right here in the
At this moment Doug Buggles
is laying on the docs couch shaking in terror.
He had a nervous breakdown at the thought of a mutant hampster attacking
him, he shall never be the same dog again..
My poor little boy is so afraid, I will have to take him into bed with
me to calm him down. Connie
PART XV: AN UNOFFICIAL SYNOPSIS
Gather around the Round Table and take a seat. It has been drawn to my
attention that some of you have lost a thread or two in the tale. In
fact, a couple of you have been dashing about collecting the lost
threads which definitely abound in the vicinity of The Round Table. Thus
far, the history of said table has covered the following facts:
- The earliest table was made of stone during the Stone Age, but they
weren't very portable. They didn't even roll very well until a skull
fell off the pole and rolled downhill. This suggested a variety of
applications from soccer to bowling
and eventually a round table.
- The first mobile Round Table (without a leg to stand on) was
constructed from Zbohg's ancestral tree. Since it was a rather large
tree, it could accommodate most of the hunters in the tribe.
- Stone seats arranged in circles survived long after the Stone Age.
These should not be confused with the taller pillars of the Stone Henge
variety, and associated with Druid fertility rituals and the seasons.
[They were most definitely not seats used by a species of giant visitors
from outer space.]
- A series of accidents involving the central hearth led to the creation
of a Round Table much like the one that you are sitting around, but it
only had three legs. Nevertheless, the table and our tale appeared to
have a leg (or three) to stand upon. Stools and patio furniture
- The early "hunting and gathering" society was forced to move
quite frequently, and the mobile table was easily moved from one hunting
ground to a happier hunting ground. An Einstein in the tribe developed a
single-wheeled object called a wheelbarrow. Romans developed two-wheeled
chariots, substituting sharp blades for the legs of the Round Table. And
on it went ... three-wheeled, four wheeled and other multi-wheeled
- The only agenda of the business meetings of long ago involved matters
of hunting (or providing a new skull or two, with which the wee bairns
could amuse themselves by kicking about). Buckets had not been invented
yet. Paper and pencils were also a long way off in the distant future.
- Zbohg's tribe almost starved until the Ways and Means Committee came
up with ways to shorten the meetings. This permitted the Knights a much
greater access to the Round Table.
- The women took matters into their own hands by becoming vegetarians
and planting gardens. The less edible plants became categorized as
either decorative flowers or unsightly weeds.
- Wild animals became tamer as they were attracted to the abundance of
plants in the gardens, and the most useful creatures were quickly
domesticated. The hunters weren't keen about running about naked through
the brambles chasing the fur-clad deer, swine, cattle, etc., anyway.
- Almost every modern custom was thrashed out, formalized and
streamlined at the Round Table. It is not surprising that you still hear
the term "reinventing the wheel" at a business meeting held
many millennia later.
Our tale has almost come full circle (so to speak). It only remains for
us to tidy up a few loose ends as soon as we are able.
Doug, I was just looking back
and noticed that we have all the odd chapters. You said that Chaz would
be doing the even numbered chapters but I don't see any. I know he
hasn't been feeling up to snuff but now I'm beginning to wonder if those
even ones really existed at all. Maybe the book was only written with
odd numbered chapters. hmmm, something else to ponder.
till next time.....
Hi, Lori :)
A partial explanation is found at the beginning of PART XI. On the other
hand, why should it be considered odd that I have selected the odd Roman
Numerals for this odd epic odyssey?
Cheers, Doug ;~}
>it be considered odd that I
>have selected the odd Roman
>Numerals for this odd epic?
>Cheers, Doug ;~}
That was pretty much self explanatory:) LOL
It's odd that we never
thought about that!!!
Lori & Doreen &
It may seem odd also ... but there will be a reward for those who have
been patiently wading through these oddities. It is only one of the
thank-you's which will be directed especially to those who have
"contributed to the fun" (as Chaz would say) ... and it is not
too late for others to join in. I wouldn't be surprised if Chaz found
some hidden reserves of energy to post some banter here again.
What is the first reward ... apart from the fun of participating? Well,
all that I shall say (at the moment) is that a true story can be far
stranger than fiction! ... And it does have a connection with this odd
Round Table odyssey.
Meanwhile, Chaz and I invite others to act upon their thoughts as they
spot a thread or two along the varied paths of our story. ... Let your
mind run free ... Contribute an aside or two to the tales ... And enjoy
the fun even more.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
A reward? Uh oh... From you
Doug? Skeptical is a word that comes to mind. Leery is another one.
On 03/24/01 11:57:00 AM, Lori
>A reward? Uh oh... From you
>Doug? Skeptical is a word that
>comes to mind. Leery is
>another one. .....
Och ... Sometimes patience is its own reward, Lori. You might be
surprised ... Part is from first-hand information, part is from news
records and part is from first-hand experience. It won't be the next
posted message, and that is aw' that I'll say for now.
They say that a closed mouth gathers no feet! [CHUCKLE]
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Doug, you don't suffer from
that dreaded hoof in mouth disease do you??
On 03/24/01 07:21:00 PM, Lori
>Doug, you don't suffer from
>that dreaded hoof in mouth
>disease do you??
I certainly hope not! M-m-m-mphf!
Cheers, Doug ;~}
OK. I just thought I would
Jellyroll told me that the
Knights often kick off their shoes when sitting around the round table.
She said that is when the beavers often go on one of their
loooonnnnngggggg trips. She said the Knights often get wet feet and back
down on some of their outrageous plans. They are planning a trip real
soon, but I have been sworn to secrecy as to their destination.
Lori & Doreen :
You may recall my earlier statement ...
"They say that a closed mouth gathers no feet!" [CHUCKLE]
I might say that typing on a keyboard is an excellent way to keep the
mouth closed ... thus preventing hooves from entering the mouth ... and
keeping secrets from escaping.
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Just curious. What did
Rawhide do to not have his name in bold print?? Is it just because he is
"Mister Nice Guy" and extremely humble???
Actually I thought that Jellyroll's signature had the light touch. She
is the most humble ... even though she has been responsible for most of
The other possibility is that someone forgot to close the B for
"bold type" with a /B enclosed between both a < sign and a
> sign. Cheers, Doug ;~}
XVII: A NEW
"My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people:
those who work and those who take the credit. He told me to try
to be in the first group; there was less competition there."
It has taken primates over 20 million years to reach this conclusion.
Few have been able to perfect the appearance of working (while retaining
some executive status other than King) without losing their jobs or
their heads in the process. We should note that even highest honchos and
kings have been toppled [See fn#1] ... normally after an impass has been
reached with some union of true workers (including those who are busily
shuffling papers, filing records or making reports). The ultimate job
strategy for any ambitious individual should still be to find a
position, which involves attendance at meetings ... just as Jellyroll
and Rawhide have been doing much too frequently of late.
Modern civilization could not survive without competition, however.
During the history of the various Round Tables, there has been nothing
to compare with the recent Information Age. The beavers are in agreement
that humans should be very concerned about the age of that information.
According to Bubba Beaver, who managed to communicate with Rawhide by
"treemail", courses provided by B.U.M (Beaver University of
Mass.) about the WWW (World Wide Workers) are being taught on two shifts
due to overcrowding on the "Innernet". Exactly what Rawhide
suspected ... it simply boils down to a matter of supply and demand ...
demand for useless information. In its haste to make a fortune, B.U.M.
has been simply filling the vacuum (and providing remedial courses in
order to combat all levels of student stress).
No wonder twenty-one per cent of all secretaries cheat to keep their
job. In truth, more than half of them have lied by saying that their
boss is in a meeting, when he is not. Only two per cent of all
secretaries thought that this was also a form of cheating. Rawhide
affirms that these statistics have been fairly uniform over the past
even before one anonymous boss labelled his waste
basket "IN", placed it upon his desk and threw the IN basket
OUT. Modern computer technology has not altered the obvious problems of
GIGO (garbage in --- garbage out).
"I am only one, but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do something I can do."
In addition to the educational maxim, "We learn by doing,"
there is another one, which states, "Those, who can, do; those, who
can't, teach; and those, who can't teach, teach teachers." The
latter state is exactly where Professor Thrumbottom Q. McClunk's cousin
Chlorine McClunk found herself after she was discovered dilating her
pupils right there in class. "Life marches on!" ... and life
is certainly a master teacher.
"Interest is to motivation ...
as speed is to velocity.
The common element is direction."
J. Douglas Ross
No matter what we may think about Professor McClunk's theories, he has
always been well motivated. His first and foremost teachers were his
parents. They started him off in the right direction. He became curious
about books and words because they read to him. They shared the
information on street signs, they made him aware of references, they
taught him how to tie his shoelaces when he was ready, they involved him
in the decision-making process and they put him on the right track in so
many other ways. Thrumbottom's first teachers gave him much more than
"quality time" (Koala Tea Time). Certainly, his formal
schooling played a part. However, he was (and still is) eager to learn
... and he accepted the prime responsibility over his own education ...
mainly because of his first real teachers ... before he was six years
Cheers, Doug ;~}
FOOTNOTE NUMBER ONE: Certain charismatic high-tech mogals, who use the
"cult theory" in their businesses, ultimately topple with
their businesses (much like pyramid schemes collapse inwardly upon
themselves). Workers learned to beware of the slogans proclaiming the
industry to be a new experimental approach. Naturally, certain things
appeared enticing in the beginning : ... the exercise areas and team
sports and T-shirts with the company logos, the day-care centres in the
work place, the couches for afternoon naps for those deprived of sleep
after long hours of work, the frequent company picnics, the free coffee
supplied during break periods and the membership in an after-hours club
(all run by guess whom? ... the management, of course). Habit-forming
cultishness makes people more loyal, less demanding of pay raises and
more eager to work harder. It also kills you.
XIX: GULLIBLE'S TROUBLES
For want of a couple of couple of vowels and consonants being switched
around, McClunk might have written a classic adventure novel. The
problem with vowel movements was an inherited characteristic amongst the
McClunks. His story of "Gullible's Troubles" followed the
trials and tribulations of a nephew who had the Midas Touch in reverse.
Everything the nephew touched turned to crap. His maladroit ventures
spanned the entire spectrum of foibles, from bad advice in the stock
market to the purchase of a cliff-side winter mansion on the San Andreas
fault. Not surprisingly, all could be traced to the nephew's absolute
faith in the honesty of others. He trusted anything printed in black and
white explicitly. Fortunately, for his namesake nephew, McClunk went to
great pains in his attempt to ensure some anonymity. Other members of
the family could not be fooled by such subterfuge, and it became
difficult to conceal the nudging and snickering which took place at
family reunions. One of the reasons that McClunk's "Gullible's
Troubles" failed to make the top ten best sellers list, we admit,
was due entirely to the fact that the only ones, interested in sifting
through some "family dirt", were the family members. ... But
they actually did have a few famous members, both living and deceased.
Just ask the beavers
if you require any verification.
Thrumbottom Q. McClunk, Samuel Clemens and I are likely in agreement
that beavers have a proper balance of industriousness and intellect
as compared, let's say, with an ant. Unlike the ant, which only appears
to be busy when someone is watching it carefully, the beaver always has
a purpose to its busy-ness. About one-third of the way through A
Tramp Abroad, which co-incidentally was about one-third of the way
through his tramp abroad in Germany and approximately one-third of the
way into the Black Forest region, Samuel Clemens (alias Mark Twain)
remarked, "I have not yet come across a living ant that seemed to
have any more sense than a dead one." There I go again
and I am barely one-third of the way into the topic ...
which had something to do with the McClunk family. Please excuse again.
Professor McClunk reported (See the excerpt midway through page 1814 of
Volume I) that Zbohg's uncle has been credited for reporting the world's
first flying saucer and spacemen. Von Danaken's interpretation of his
doodles chiselled in stone attest to the presence of aliens on Earth
space helmets, strange instruments, rocket-powered
vehicles, landing sites and all. The professor has made comparisons
between the stone engravings of Zbohg's uncle and another stone dating
back to the time of the Pharaohs in Egypt, which depicts a helicopter in
the upper left-hand corner. He states that any interpretation based upon
the use of helicopters by interplanetary spacemen is quite ridiculous.
Unfortunately, the authentic doodles cannot be reprinted here, due to
the fact that Zbohg's Auntie Septic held the copyright after her
husband's death, and those familial rights have been inherited quite
intact by her descendants unto the present millennium.
The McClunk family has always been deeply involved in theatre and the
arts. Seamus McClunk attended lectures held at St. Mike's College by
that great Canadian of Scottish-Irish background, Marshal McLuhan, whose
most famous statement was that "The medium was the message!"
Furthermore, McLuhan's disciples proposed that "the content of any
medium is always another medium". It was much easier to accept
McLuhan's theory of the "Global Village" with the advent of
internet connections on a world-wide web which had no physical
boundaries. Seamus McClunk may go down in history for advancing his own
that "the message was Marshal McLuhan's medium"
and for advising people to forget the hardware and the software, while
emphasizing "the importance of the liveware (person) in both the
medium and the message". This livewire's only claim to fame thus
far has been to direct the first production of "The Nutcracker
Suite" with real nuts.
One of these years, Professor McClunk promises to translate the epic
sea-faring novel, "Buccaneer Dead", which was written by a
third cousin twice removed, whose copyright expired with his own demise.
As we have inferred many times, life must go on in spite of temporary
obstacles. Thrumbottom may be called opportunistic, but was never
"clever" in the sense that a clever dog can learn new tricks.
Mrs. McClunk berated all teachers for using that dastardly term in
reference to her highly intelligent offspring. Here's to Professor
Thrumbottom Q. McClunk ... much smarter than the average beaver ... or
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Thanks for clearing all that up.... I think. That wasn't the reward you
promised us? was it?
Ants are best served with a little chocolate sauce.... or so I've heard.
Life is better with beads
On 03/25/01 09:44:00 AM, Lori
>Thanks for clearing all that
>up.... I think. That wasn't
>the reward you promised us?
>Ants are best served with a
>little chocolate sauce.... or
>so I've heard.
>Life is better with beads
Lady Lori :)
No indeed. This week may be National Rewards Week, but
others follow ... a day or two after the Academy Awards.
Ah, those saucy ants are delicious.
Some people like beads, but I prefer my string tie with the chrysoberyl
clasp that I bought in Inner Mongolia. (It's a kind of Cat's-Eye.)
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Sorry ... Roger's Cable
service went down just after my previous post, and I am in the habit of
announcing loudly every such occurrence. I love their guidebook, which
suggests that you should send an email to them if you are experiencing
difficulties. Fat chance of doing that while their service is down! The
only thing, that is more irritating, is their automated telephone
answering service ... you know ... "Press 1 if you want to pay your
bill" ... "Press 2 if you want to subscribe to our newest
services" ... "Press 3 if you wish to order a digital
movie" ... way down to "Press 9 if you wish to talk to one of
our service representative" ... followed by a cheery "Thank
you for using Roger's speedy cable service!" and some boring
Now, where was I before all this ... hmmm ... the thread had something
to do with cats. Ah, now I remember what I was going to add. In his A
Tramp Abroad, Sam Clemens also remarked that blue jays have a
better command of grammar than cats ... and he arrived at this
astonishing conclusion by listening to the nightly catfights on his
neighbour's fence, I suppose.
CAT, who is a house cat, is voicing her objections. At least she knows
how to spell "grammar" ... and many other animals, including
the wise old owl, try to re-educate others into using "grammer"
as an acceptable alternative. I suppose that communication is more
important anyway, and I would have to give CAT top marks there. CHUCKLE
Cheers, Doug ;~}
I don't know if Tasha, my
cat, knows any grammer, but she sure knows how to communicate what she
wants. A pet here, a treat there, a scratch behind the ears.... And of
course it is my duty as her house servant to give her what she wants.
Life is better with beads
My cat, Flash (A Manx...hence
has the TRUE feline attitude....if it doesn't concern him or his needs
he has NO use for it or anyone else.
He has what I fondly call CATtitude. But we love him anyway. Why, we're
not quite sure.
PART XXI: RAWHIDE AND JELLYROLL
A true story is very often stranger than fiction
not that I would
suggest that the facts, which you have hopefully enjoyed reading, are
lies. In this case, the story of Rawhide and Jellyroll actually begins
with the first of three sections bearing the original titles
and C. It would, after all, be inadvisable to start off with the ending,
wouldn't it? The full story has never before been presented in its
entirety in one place
and you will be the first to read it ... so
don't reveal the ending to anyone.
My great-grandfather, Alexander Ross emigrated to Canada with his wife
Janet "Jessie" Fraser in 1842. Two years later, Alex's brother
Donald came to Canada and both of them settled on uncleared land up
north of Lake Ontario, near Uxbridge. Donald Ross met and married an
Irish gal who lived nearby, named Mary Ann Madill, on May 30, 1854. One
year later, Donald and Mary Ann purchased the western half of his
brother's lot, and they began to raise a family. The sixth of their ten
children was Benjamin Ross, who married Isabelle Smith in January of
1889, and worked in Mount Albert while raising their four daughters.
don't miss the significance of this part!] The third daughter
of Benjamin Ross and Isabelle Smith was called Bessie Belle Ross. On
June 8, 1921, Bessie Belle married a handsome young chap named Allen J.
Cody, who was a medical doctor in Newmarket. It won't help you to know
that they had a son, Robert Donald Cody, and a daughter, Dorothy Isobel
Cody, but I'll throw that in anyway. [Ref.:The Ross-ter, Indexed
Dr. Allen J. Cody and William Frederick Cody were cousins. Most people
know Bill by the name "Buffalo Bill" Cody. Buffalo Bill Cody
became famous during Ned Buntline's productions of "Scouts of the
Prairies" in Chicago from 1872 to 1882, and he decided to mount his
own first Wild West Show in 1883.
Buffalo Bill Cody visited Allen's father in Sunderland whenever he came
to Canada. Many tales were told over the years about Annie Oakley, who
was nicknamed "Little Sure Shot" by side-kick Sitting Bull.
Another famous member of the show was Riel's general Gabriel Dumont ...
and yet another was Wild Bill Hickock. At the peak of his career,
Buffalo Bill Cody was invited to England in 1887, where he dined with
and entertained royalty. [Now don't miss the significance of this part!
He was to have a long-lasting influence upon the life of one lad who
saved his pennies to pay the admission into the Wild West Show when it
visited his home town.]
Although this is not part of the main thread of the story, the health of
William Frederick Cody declined after his show became bankrupt at the
same time that he was distributing free passes to youngsters in
orphanages. In 1917, in ill health, he visited his sister's home in
Denver, Colorado, where he died. Dr. Allen J. Cody and his brother Leroy
Cody travelled from Canada to attend Buffalo Bill Cody's funeral. Bill
was buried on nearby Lookout Mountain. [Ref.: The Ross Family the
annual Christmas newsletter for 1999]
This young lad was abandoned as a child by both his mother and a
philandering father. Two very strict aunts raised him, and he became a
"loner" spending his time in a nearby woods, studying the
habits of animals, living in a fantasy world and dreaming about Indians.
Buffalo Bill's touring Wild West Show visited his town at the beginning
of the 20th century, and this dreamer made up his mind to travel to
Canada, where he learned to speak the Ojibway language. An Iroquois
woman, one of his many wives, persuaded him to give up trapping and
become a writer. His fame led to many speaking engagements and social
functions, often with royalty and heads of state. [Our current Queen
Elizabeth and her sister Margaret received a private audience during his
tour in Great Britain just before the Great Depression. Every appearance
was booked to capacity in the style of Beetle's concerts. Younger tads
won't remember those days, so insert the name of your own favourite
stage performer and multiply the spectacle by ten.]
My aunt Fraser (the one who cured my intestinal poisoning and kept me
alive at age 3 with the strong tea-cure) insisted on taking me to Massey
Hall in Toronto to meet this magnificent impersonator when I was seven
years old. After waiting in line for what seemed an eternity, we saw a
film about his life in the wilderness and two of his pet beavers,
"Jelly Roll" and "Rawhide". When the movie ended, a
tall, handsome man with a face chiselled by the weather was spotlighted
on stage in his rough Indian attire. He had a shy manner and I recall
the soft persuasiveness of his voice as I received my first lessons
about the inter-relationships between man and nature (and the importance
of environmental conservation).
I asked my aunt if it was possible to go backstage to meet him. She
smiled and led me to the left-hand side of the stage, where a door
opened to a stairway leading down to a basement level. At the bottom, I
turned right ..... and there he stood, twice as tall as I was (or more),
and standing with men (in suits) on either side. He noticed me and
stepped forward. Hastily, I thrust my hand out to meet his. As I shook
the hand of Grey Owl, I blurted out a thank-you for his
"entertaining sermon". He (and his entourage) had a good
laugh. I left without asking for his autograph. His books and his tours
earned him a place of high honour (to my way of thinking) in spite of
the fact that, when he died in 1938, Grey Owl was revealed to be Archie
Belaney from Hastings, England, and (sob) a fraud.
Bless him, Doug ;~} Aug. 26, 1999. 10:34 AM [the date at my website,
when "C" was originally written]
His epitaph reads: "Say a silent thank you for the preservation of
wilderness areas, for the lives of the creatures who live there and for
the people with the foresight to realize this heritage, no matter
Now you know about the Rawhide and Jellyroll of today ... I was
privileged to be one of the last persons to shake the hand of the
original owner of their namesakes in 1937, just after my 7th birthday.
Grey Owl died of pneumonia at age 50 on April 13, 1938. Archie Belaney's
real identity, which was discovered by reporters from two northern
Canadian newspapers just before his final appearance, was kept secret
until after his death.
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said "Nevermore."
Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"
Cheers, Rawhide and Jellyroll
and Doug ;~}]
Uhmmm. . . yeah, okay.
Just west of Dallas there seems to be some relatives of Rawhide and
Jelly Roll causing quite a problem. It seems that keep damming up a
river bed and as fast as the locals can un-dam it, they are back that
night damming it again. The water is critical to the local farmers and
ranchers, which these pesky little beavers seem to have no regard for.
Could you send a signal to your two buddies and ask if they'll send a
signal to their southwest friends. I believe they were from the
Ishuvelsht Tribe. Thank you.
Mary Mills :)
Relatives of Rawhide and Jellyroll causing problems? Now, that is
difficult to believe!
Och ... I thought that this was one of the benefits of having beavers
around. It saves humans the trouble of building huge dams to conserve
the water supply.
As I see it, your Ishuvelsht Tribe of beavers may have irritated the
farmer, who owns the propery where their dam is located. Did they create
a swamp on his property? [Actually, that isn't so bad either. Just think
of all the animal species which are on the verge of extinction ...
toads, frogs, water fowl, etc. They might be encouraged to multiply.]
Perhaps the government should encourage the beavers by paying a subsidy
to the owner of the property. [ONE VERY WIDE GRIN]
Or is it just another case of NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) for the folks
just west of Dallas? Jellyroll and Rawhide have contacted Bubba's
relatives in Alabama. The lot of them are on the way to inspect the
situation. [UNCONTROLLABLE CHUCKLES]
Cheers, Doug ;~}
Thanks for sharing that story. Several months ago we saw a video called
"Grey Owl". Anyway, it was about this mans life. The current
007 actor Pierce Bronson? played the lead. I though it was a great
I don't know how much of the show was real and how much was Hollywood,
but I think it was worth seeing.
What I got out of the movie was that he wanted to be an Indian so bad he
made himself out to be one. He was really into conservation and very
much against beaver trapping. The indians found him out but welcomed him
I hope you were not too disapointed as a youngster when you found him
out to be a fraud.
Life is better with beads
What a wonderful story!!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing it.......
Lori & Nansi :)
Grey Owl was a ferocious drinker and philanderer.
Before he wrote the book, "The adventures of Sejo and Her Beaver
People", he trapped many beavers. His fantasy life was a means
of compensating for a miserable childhood. One of his wives, Anahareo,
who was part Iroquois, persuaded him to raise two beaver cubs after he
had killed the mother. Anahareo also persuaded Grey Owl to become a
conservationist and writer rather than a trapper. Eventually, he became
a paid naturalist in Saskatchewan's Prince Albert National Park. Any
person, who heard Grey Owl speak, was captivated by his magic and his
message. He was impossible to be with when he was writing, and Anahareo
would also write a book ... called "Devil in Deerskin: My Life
with Grey Owl".
He is one of the most unforgettable persons that I have ever met!
Cheers, Doug ;~}
PART XXIII: UNPAID UNSOLICITED OPINIONS
'Tis well said that a conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking. However, it is not always the entire truth. My greatest
admiration and congratulations are reserved for those who attempt the
art of repartee in any forum reserved for blethering and bantering.
What follows are the uncensored comments from some selected members and
a few not very select non-members, who will never tire of thinking. The
excerpts have been compiled from postings, pagings, email and treemail.
Sir Chaz McBeaver (no possible relation): I have been so busy
this month ... I missed the free coupon ... Don't you guys realize that
ESers will start to think that both of you have lost your marbles?
[Editor's Note: What do you mean "start"? Without hesitation,
I would recommend that a period should be placed after
Sir Rugless Doss (an impossible relation): ... a truly inspired
masterpiece ... a thrillingly novel and inspired contribution ... most
moving and uplifting ... but only the titles. [Editor's Note: Utter
GIGO, if you ask me!]
Lady Lori (has very quick relatives): I enjoy reading about the
Round Table, but I'll have to wait until I get home until I read it all.
[Editor's Note: Reading on a moving bus with your laptop attached to a
cellular phone can be difficult.]
Sir Hugh S. (knows one or two relations): One factor may have
been overlooked and that was the invention of paper. With paper and some
carbonized sticks from the fire in the middle, it became very difficult
to write on the soft earth and so the table was required to facilitate
this writing process. [Editor's Note: We admire your insights, O wisest
Lady Elda (has relations): I've just been reading, not
commenting!!! It gets too much for me at times!!! I run out of time. But
I do appreciate the postings. [Editor's Note: This must be a
"FIRST" for the President elect of Banter's Royal Society of
Most Honourable Spelunkers, MOTTO: "You First!" or "Tu
Primus!" Beware of what you might discover in those dark caves at
Sir Sawney (has been known to relate): Using human heads for
soccer is not entirely without fact. A headstone in Fenwick graveyard
tells the whole story. [Editor's Note: Was that East Fenwick or West
Fenwick? It is said that occasionally the inhabitants of East Fenwick
would take turns laughing their heads off. At any rate, there never
seemed to be a shortage of heads rolling about.]
Lady Doreen (understands relativity): Y U K!!! Please! I repeat P
U L E E S E!! Do not post in the "Food & Drink"
Conference!! [Editor's Note: It was a difficult decision where the
recipe for "Beaver Tail Soup"
should go ... "Food and Drink" vs. "Banter". You
might say it was a toss-up.]
Lady Tracy (also relatively unrelated): I followed #3,and read
the posts in a random order. I had to read them many, many times. That
resulted in accidentally reading them in order. [Editor's Note: Now that
could be quite serious ... particularly if you just happened to have a
white Siberian hamster in the same room with you at the time. I dread to
think of the consequences if that were the case.]
Lady Connie Q. (relates to relatives): My dog Buggles fell off
the keyboard and started twitching violently at the thought of a mutant
hamster ... and might require therapy. [Editor's Note: Your Dr. McMugg
may not be able to provide the proper therapy that your dog requires. I
would also suggest new eye glasses for him. Neither the winter-white
Siberian hamster nor the related Djungarian hamster of Mongolia are
particularly terrifying ... unless provoked.]
Lady Nansi (relates to CATalogues): My cat, Flash, has the TRUE
feline CATtitude. But we love him anyway. Why, we're not quite sure. [Editors's
Note: Mark Twain must be wrong. Cats do communicate as well as birds ...
even though they may not be PURRfect in some grammatical skills.]
Lady Mary M. (relatively speaking, no relation): Could you send a
signal to Rawhide and Jellyroll and ask if they'll send a signal to
their southwest friends just west of Dallas? They keep damming up a
river bed and as fast as the locals can-undam it, they are back that
night damming it again. [Editor's Note: No sooner said than done!
Bubba's relatives in Alabama are on their way to investigate that damned
Sir Jay (well connected, but not related): I did see a Texan
beaver the other day. It tried to beat an automobile in a foot race and
lost. Poor fellow. I'll see if I can find his buddies and have them go
check the damned problem west of Dallas. [Editor's Note: Your
thoughtfulness is much appreciated. The more beavers that we can get
over there to investigate the damn situation, the better. At last count
that makes fifty-three.]
... and a great big THANK-YOU to all others [both writers and readers]
who have enjoyed this epic odyssey. It may be time for a new topic.
Cheers, Doug ;~}