Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
This is the Chickens inherent right as he is indigenous to this
That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!
GRASSROOT INDIAN: If
the darn chickens need to get across the road, let 'em cross the
Chiggens should never cross the roads that white men built
before the great white father crosses it first. If the white
father crosses it, it is good. We must then follow.
We must have roads. We must cross the roads that the white man
built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man for this.
I don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You
embarrass us. Chickens are good for us.
It's true that that white man built those roads for us. We are
merely chickens. We will always be chickens until we learn to
build those roads ourselves - for profit.
The chicken crossed the road because he didn't have enough
Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were supposed to
be on it - not crossing it!
INDIAN GRANDPA: I
think he was runnin' away from rezidential school.
URBAN INDIAN: That
chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You know
what I mean?
NEW AGE INDIAN: It
was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming,
sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my
POW WOW INDIAN That
chicken must have been heading to a 49!
EDUCATED INDIAN: I
think it has to do with Einstein's theory which basically
posits: "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?"
REZ INDIAN: Whats a
IHS INDIAN: I really
don't care why he crossed that road. We still aren't paying for
no stinkin hospital bills.
BIA INDIAN: They
crossed it because of CFR 49, Section 11299, gives them the
authority to do so, under Department of Interior regulations, in
the Executive Branch. They wrote a grant and we funded them. We
are very proud of them.
KFC INDIAN: I'll
take a leg, a thigh, with corn and potatoes. Extra Crispy,
COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road without our approval! Fire
performed by: Darryl
I saw her hit the pow-wow grounds
In a one-eyed rusty ford
Muffler dragging, smoke was blowing
She can't make it, help me Lord
And when she finally parked
About 100 skins got out
And all the boys were staring
It just made me wanna pout
she wants corn soup
I got frybread
Won't you come and be
My one and only
Oh she got dirty
All the way up
to her knees
She's standing alone
going bathroom in the trees
And I'm sticking out my chest
cause I know
that she can see
And if I had my way
She'd be snagging up with me
Well she finally
I offered her some cheese
And I'm sticking out my lips
Saying kiss me
And we're sitting in her teepee
And I say you're
looks at me
And all she said
here to listen to the Song
Native American Twinkie Test
American Indians dislike 'New Age Crystal Waving Twinkie Twinkies'
who shamelessly appropriate, distort, misuse and disrespect our
Accordingly, if you want to get along with Indians, it is wise to
avoid being a twinkie.
The following test will help you determine if you're a twinkie.
1. you don't know what a 'twinkie' is.
2..you think 'twinkie' is a name brand
of golden sponge cake.
3..you're a shaman, and all your friends
are shamans too.
4..your Indian Spirit Guide only speaks
5..you have a plastic Indian headdress
hanging from your rear view mirror.
6..you don't drive a 'rez rocket'.
7..you think apples are for eating.
8..you gave all your dogs authentic
Native American names.
9...your great grandmother was a
10..your great grandfather was a
Cherokee princess, too.
11..you own collector plates featuring
men with rippling muscles, feathers, and prostrate maidens.
12..you've never been to a 49.
13..you've never woken up with a
houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon,
and calling you 'cousin'.
14..you bought the collectible Barbie
(tm) 'with authentic Native costume'.
15..you named your dog, cat, or hamster
for a famous Native American.
16..you think Dances with Wolves is a
17..you don't know who Leonard Peltier
18..you want to know where to apply to
get your Indian name.
19..you desperately want to date a
Native American person.
20..you've been studying Native American
spirituality for three months and are now ready to lead a sweat.
21..you send greeting cards with images
of Noble Red Men on them.
22..you have 'Native American scent' air
freshener in your car.
23..you have never stood next to a
dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and therefore think
'Native American scent' is something you >want to have in your car.
24..you don't know what a CDIB card is,
and wouldn't qualify for one even if you did
.25..you wonder why that abalone shell
has holes in the bottom.
26..you want to get a cool Native
27..you had your brother-in-law airbrush
a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you're not a
28..you refer to a drum as a 'tom tom'.
29..you think 'heya heyaya' is
the Indian word for 'God', because it's in all the songs.
30..you bought the soundtrack to
Disney's Pocahontas and sing along.
31..your mother gave you a t shirt with
a picture of a scantily clad woman petting a wolf for your birthday.
32..you mistook an Italian man for a
33....you signed a petition protesting
the slaughter of buffalo while dropping your trash on the ground.
34..you had a dream in which you
discovered your 'true name' is 'Spirit of the Red Wolf Who Runs with
35..you're only interested in the 'good
parts' of Native spirituality.
36..your bumper sticker has a quote from
Chief Seattle instead of AIM.
37..you bought 'genuine Indian
moccasins' made in a factory in Minnesota.
38..when you meet a real Indian, you
hold your hand out like a stop sign and say, "How!"
39..you made a construction paper
headdress and put on a play at school and you're more than twelve
40..you can remember that Indian guy who
cried in the ecology commercial, but you don't know his name.
41..when you meet a man with a mohawk,
you assume he must be a punk rocker.
42..you have a mohawk--and you're
43..you have no idea if the headband
you're wearing is intended for men or women.
44..you didn't notice your 'Indian
jewelry' was stamped 'made in Thailand'.
45..you own many Indian art objects, but
you have never been to a powwow.
46..you think militant Indians are a
disgrace to the red race, but you just adore Sitting Bull and Crazy
47..you interrupt an elder to tell them
they're wrong because a book you read said so.
48..you're a man, but you don't have
footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you.
49..you were an Indian princess in a
50..you were a medicine man in a former
51..you want people to call you 'Chief',
even though you are not the leader of a fire department, police
department, or a tribe.
52..you made up your own tribe.
53..you are the great, great, great,
great, grandson of Tecumseh, putting the number of his offspring at
24,473--more than the entire population of the Shawnee tribe today.
54..you didn't know that Tecumseh was
Shawnee.55..you're the grandson of Tecumseh--you can remember
sitting on his knee.
56..you built a sweat lodge from
instructions you found on the Web.
57..you chose to leave the city and live
on a mountain in a cabin with no running water.
58..you get annoyed if people are late.
59..your fur coats are all store bought.
60..you have no idea why Native people
laugh hysterically when they see you on the street
61..you call a shinny stick a 'LaCrosse
62..you admire Chief Joseph for what he
said, but you're not sure what he did.
63..you call the Sioux people
'Lakota'--even the Dakota and Nakota.
64..you think all Native Americans spend
their days communing with Mother Nature.
65..you willingly pay $300 for an
authentic sweat with a plastic shaman.
66..you believe that 'freedom of
expression' gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that
don't concern you.
67..you ask a question, then argue with
68..last year you were into Buddhism,
the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you
were a member of Green Peace.
69..you had a sudden impulse to drive
non-stop across America to the Black Hills--and you don't even know
anyone out there.
70..you think the Black Hills are the
only sacred site in America.
71..you wear plastic chokers to honor
72..you love Native American jewelry,
but make it more attractive by adding your own personal touch.
73..you've never used an outhouse.
74..you've never eaten 'slow
elk'--you're sure you'd remember if you had!
75..when served 'Indian steak,' you
complain, "Hey, this is bologna!"
76..road kill makes you go,
'Ew!' instead of, 'Hey, new regalia!'
77..you don't know how many drummers it
takes to screw in a light bulb.
78..you ask complete strangers for
advice on naming your kids.79..you got interested in Native culture
by watching 'Star Trek'.
80..you use words like 'squaw,' 'buck,'
'berdache,' and 'shaman,' and wonder why people are mad at you.
81..you bought a medicine bag, but you
don't know what's in it.
82..you think a powwow sounds like a
great place to work on your tan, so >you wore your swimsuit.
83..you're proud of the fact that you
can name all five Indian tribes.
84..your car is not made out of equal
parts Bondo and duct tape.
85..you selected wallpaper with Indians,
horses, and tipis for your son's bedroom.
86..you've never eaten commodity cheese.
87...you've never used commodity cheese
as a doorstop.
88..you hang Indian corn on your front
door instead of eating it.
89..your mother gave you an Indian name,
but it never occurred to you to ask her what it meant until it was
90..you get defensive and evasive if
anybody questions your Native credentials.
91..you've never heard of fry bread.
92..you won't eat fry bread because it
has too much fat in it.
93..you think it's an honor to Native
Americans that Jeep named a sport utility vehicle after them.
94..none of your relatives has diabetes.
95..you are one third Native American.
96..you want to know what tribe you're
related to, but have no intention of actually doing the genealogy to
figure it out.
97..you ask the Internet to tell you who
you're related to instead of asking your relatives.
98..you think you should get in free to
a powwow because you have Indian blood.
99..you're proud of being a twinkie.
100..you wear the purple suede fringed
miniskirt with knee high moccasins to a pow wow and wonder why no
one likes it.
101..you walk up to strange Indian women
and ask them to bless your beads.
102..you have a dream catcher hanging
from your rear view mirror.
103..you have a Nativity scene featuring
a tipi and Indians in regalia.
104..you think Native Americans should
put up with your crap because after all "we're all related."
105..you offered me a 'talking
106..you write in a stilted, poetic,
formal English that sounds like a Victorian author putting words
into the mouth of a Noble Savage character in a dime novel.
107..you feel sorry for the poor Native
Americans who are so benighted they can't understand that you're
108..when entering an argument with a
Native American, you attack their method of expression, instead of
the points they have to make.
109..you exhort us to unite and work
together and get along with each other--as if nobody had ever
thought of this (obvious) idea before.
110..you have never mended your
underwear, hemmed a dress, repaired a car, or made art objects out
of duct tape.
111..you have to go and find some
scissors to open your package with.
112..you joined the Nuage tribe.
113..you just adore Mary Summer Rain.
114..you tell everyone how proud and
humble and honored you are to carry a pipe.
115...you have to have the last word
every single time.
116..it embarrasses you to be seen in
the company of real Indians, so you'd rather hang out with twinkies
117..when you see a person in
traditional Native American dress, you pat your mouth and make 'woo
118..somebody asks a question about
Native American culture, and you make up your own answer.
119..you think Indians have no sense of
120 .you can't see that you are funny. •
121.you think this list isn't funny.
122.This page is close captioned for the
123..if your idea of a tribal dance is a
124.if you don't know what a "rez
125..if you don't have at least
something wrong with your car
126.if you say, "You don't look like an
Indian" to an Indian (or if you think all Indians look like Geromino)
127..you don't have at least 4 feet of
balin' wire in the trunk of your car.
128.you butcher a sheep while trying to
sheer it during your last visit with your "Navajo" grandma.
129..you think that the hair on your
back qualifies you to be a skinwalker.
130.the framed picture of your
great-great-great-granddaddy is really of a "chief" that you tore
out of your high school history book.credit
Have you figured out what a TWINKIE is
May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......
- You attend a General Custer memorial
dinner, and you wear an Arrow shirt.
- Someone at a picnic yells "Hey, you
with the blanket, over here" and you think it's an invitation for
- Dancing to "Running Bear" at your
local bar and it begins to Rain.
- You put a "Free Peltier" sticker on
your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house.
- You could be Indian if you get into
a fight with the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant over--Sopapilla,
or is it Fry Bread?
- Someone inadvertently points out
directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking
- Someone asks you your stance on
immigration, and you just laugh.
YOU COULD BE AN
- During a night out on the town, you
announce you're going home and then you drive over five hours to get
- You should turn your head while all
about you are turning theirs and blaming it on you.
- You use commodity can labels for
your art collage project
- When you get hit in the head with an
old piece of fry bread you see bluebirds.
- All the people in the community or
town you live in are your cousins! (cousin-brother/cousin-sister).
- Your car starts with a screwdriver.
- Tou don't understand the purpose for
storage lockers or their high rental costs, Why, the cars parked in
yard store just as much stuff, plus it's free.
YOU COULD BE AN
- Your head automatically turns at the
sound of "shhhhhhhh".
- Learning your ABC's was hard because
you wondered what the joke was every time you heard "A" (AAAYE)
- In your everyday life you
unintentionally seem to be breaking taboos.
- You use the pick up line "...Say,
those are some slick wranglers, perhaps I could talk you out of
- You use the pick up line "...Hey,
didn't we go to different boarding schools together?"
You wake up after your 18th birthday
with a wrecked truck, a hickey and bus ticket to Haskell.
- Your relative gets a nice jacket
that you wish you had so say, "Geez Hey, I reeaally like that
Jacket." (and he gives it to you).
YOU COULD BE AN
- You have had a dog named Bear.
- Your travel luggage is designer
black Hefty Cinch Sacks!
- You think that the Basic Food Groups
are Spam, commodity cheese, fry bread, and Pepsi.
- Your dance outfit is in a suitcase
held together by duct tape and powwow bumper stickers.
- You drive over 25mph and the paint
peels off your rez truck. You tell your friends that you are letting
Mother Nature sand
it for you before you get a paint job.
- A powwow drum lead singer if your
vocal nodules exceed the size of your tonsils.
- The first day at your new public
school you're waiting for circle and the rest of the class stands
for the pledge of allegiance, and as you look around the room you're
the only one who doesn't know the words.
One of the best ways to
understand a people is to know what makes them laugh. Laughter
encompasses the limits of the soul. In humor life is redefined and
accepted. Irony and satire provide much keener insights into a group's
collective psyche and values than do years of research.
It has always been a
great disappointment to Indian people that the humorous side of Indian
life has not been mentioned by professed experts on Indian Affairs.
Rather the image of the granite-faced grunting redskin has been
perpetuated by American mythology.
People have little
sympathy with stolid groups. Dick Gregory did much more than is
believed when he introduced humor into the Civil Rights struggle. He
enabled non-blacks to enter into the thought world of the black
community and experience the hurt it suffered. When all people shared
the humorous but ironic situation of the black, the urgency and
morality of Civil Rights was communicated.
The Indian people are
exactly opposite of the popular stereotype. I sometimes wonder how
anything is accomplished by Indians because of the apparent
overemphasis on humor within the Indian world. Indians have found a
humorous side of nearly every problem and the experiences of fife have
generally been so well defined through jokes and stories that they
have become a thing in themselves.
For centuries before
the white invasion, teasing was a method of control of social
situations by Indian people. Rather than embarrass members of the
tribe publicly, people used to tease individuals they considered out
of step with the consensus of tribal opinion. In this way egos were
preserved and disputes within the tribe of a personal nature were held
to a minimum.
learned to anticipate teasing and began to tease themselves as a means
of showing humility and at the same time advocating a course of action
they deeply believed in. Men would depreciate their feats to show they
were not trying to run roughshod over tribal desires. This method of
behavior served to highlight their true virtues and gain them a place
of influence in tribal policy-making circles.
Humor has come to
occupy such a prominent place in national Indian affairs that any kind
of movement is impossible without it. Tribes are being brought
together by sharing humor of the past. Columbus jokes gain great
sympathy among all tribes, yet there are no tribes extant who had
anything to do with Columbus. But the fact of white invasion from
which all tribes have suffered has created a common bond in relation
to Columbus jokes that gives a solid feeling of unity and purpose to
The more desperate the
problem, the more humor is directed to describe it. Satirical remarks
often circumscribe problems so that possible solutions are drawn from
the circumstances that would not make sense if presented in other than
a humorous form.
Often people are
awakened and brought to a militant edge through funny remarks. I often
counseled people to run for the Bureau of Indian Affairs in case of an
earthquake because nothing could shake the BIA. And I would watch as
younger Indians set their jaws, determined that they, if nobody else,
would shake it. We also had a saying that in case of fire call the BIA
and they would handle it because they put a wet blanket on everything.
This also got a warm reception from people.
Columbus and Custer
jokes are the best for penetration into the heart of the matter,
however. Rumor has it that Columbus began his journey with four ships.
But one went over the edge so he arrived in the new world with only
three. Another version states that Columbus didn't know where he was
going, didn't know where he had been, and did it all on someone else's
money. And the white man has been following Columbus ever since.
It is said that when
Columbus landed, one Indian turned to another and said, "Well, there
goes the neighborhood." Another version has two Indians watching
Columbus land and one saying to the other, "Maybe if we leave them
alone they will go away." A favorite cartoon in Indian country a few
years back showed a flying saucer landing while an Indian watched. The
caption was "Oh, no, not again."
The most popular and
enduring subject of Indian humor is, of course, General Custer. There
are probably more jokes about Custer and the Indians than there were
participants in the battle. All tribes, even those thousands of miles
from Montana, feel a sense of accomplishment when thinking of Custer.
Custer binds together implacable foes because he represented the Ugly
American of the last century and he got what was coming to him.
Some years ago we put
out a bumper sticker which read "Custer Died for Your Sins." It was
originally meant as a dig at the National Council of Churches. But as
it spread around the nation it took on additional meaning until
everyone claimed to understand it and each interpretation was
different. Originally, the Custer bumper sticker referred to the Sioux
Treaty of 1868 signed at Fort Laramie in which the United States
pledged to give free and undisturbed use of the lands claimed by Red
Cloud in return for peace. Under the covenants of the Old Testament,
breaking a covenant called for a blood sacrifice for atonement. Custer
was the blood sacrifice for the United States breaking the Sioux
treaty. That, at least originally, was the meaning of the slogan.
Custer jokes, however,
can barely be categorized, let alone sloganized. Indians say that
Custer was well-dressed for the occasion. When the Sioux found his
body after the battle, he had on an Arrow shirt.
Many stories are
derived from the details of the battle itself. Custer is said to have
boasted that he could ride through the entire Sioux nation with his
Seventh Calvary and he was half right- He got half-way through . . .
The years have not
changed the basic conviction of the Indian people that they are still
dealing with the United States as equals. At a hearing on Civil Rights
in South Dakota a few years ago a white man asked a Sioux if they
still considered themselves an independent nation. "Oh yes," was the
reply, "we could still declare war on you. We might lose but you'd
know you'd been in a terrible fight. Remember the last time in
During the 1964
elections Indians were talking in Arizona about the relative positions
of the two candidates, Johnson and Goldwater. A white man told them to
forget about domestic policies and concentrate on the foreign policies
of the two men. One Indian looked at him coldly and said that from.
the Indian point of view it was all foreign policy.
The year 1964 also saw
the emergence of the Indian vote on a national there was more scale.
Rumors reached us that on the Navajo reservation that there was more
enthusiasm than understanding of the political processes. Large signs
announced, "All the Way with LBJ."
The current joke is
that a survey was taken and only 15 percent of the Indians thought
that the United States should get out of Vietnam. Eighty-five percent
thought they should get out of America!
One of the most popular
topics of Indian humor is the Bureau of Indian Affairs. When asked
what was the biggest joke in Indian country, a man once said, "The BIA."
During the years of termination, no matter how many tribes were being
terminated the BIA kept adding employees. Since the thrust of
termination was to cut government expenditures, the continual hiring
of additional people led Indians to believe that such was not the real
purpose. The rumor began that the BIA was phasing Out Indians and
would henceforth provide services only for its own employees....
Perhaps the most
disastrous policy, outside of termination, ever undertaken by the
Bureau of Indian Affairs was a program called Relocation. It began as
a policy of the Eisenhower administration as a means of getting
Indians off the reservation and into the city slums where they could
was put on reservation Indians to move into the cities. Reservation
people were continually harassed by bureau officials until they agreed
to enter the program. Sometimes the BIA relocation officer was so
eager to get the Indians moved off the reservation that he would take
the entire family into the city himself.
But the Indians came
back to the reservation as soon as they learned what the city had to
offer. Many is the story by BIA people of how Indians got back to the
reservations before the BIA officials who had taken them to the city
When the space program
began, there was a great deal of talk about sending men to the moon.
Discussion often centered about the difficulty of returning the men
from the moon to earth, as re-entry procedures were considered to be
very tricky. One Indian suggested that they send an Indian to the moon
on relocation. "He'll figure out some way to get back......
Not only the bureau,
but other agencies, became the subject of Indian humor. When the War
on Poverty was announced, Indians were justly skeptical about the
extravagant promises of the bureaucrats. The private organizations in
the Indian field, organized as the Council on Indian Affairs sponsored
a Capital Conference on Poverty in Washington in May of 1966 to ensure
that Indian poverty would be highlighted just prior to the passage of
the poverty program in Congress.
Tribes from all over
the nation attended the conference to present papers on the poverty
existing on their reservations. Two Indians from the plains area were
asked about their feelings on the proposed program.
"Well," one said, "if
they bring that War on Poverty to our reservation, they'll know
they've been in a fight."
At the same conference,
Alex Chasing Hawk, a nationally famous Indian leader from Cheyenne
River and a classic storyteller, related the following tale about
It seemed that a white
man was introduced to an old chief in New York City. Taking a liking
to the old man, the white man invited him to dinner. The old chief
hadn't eaten a good steak in a long time and eagerly accepted.
He finished one steak
in no time and still looked hungry. So the white man offered to buy
him another steak.
As they were waiting
for the steak, the white man said, "Chief, I sure wish I had your
appetite." I doubt it, white man," the chief said. "You took my land,
you took my mountains and streams, you took my salmon and my buffalo.
You took everything I had except my appetite and how you want that.
Aren't you ever going to be satisfied?"
People are always
puzzled when they learn that Indians are not involved in the Civil
Rights struggle. Many expect Indians to be marching up and down like
other people, feeling that all problems of poor groups are basically
But Indian people,
having treating rights of long standing, rightly feel that protection
of existing rights is much more important to them. Yet intra-group
jokes have been increasing since the beginning of the Civil Rights
movements and few Indians do not wryly comment on movements among the
An Indian and a black
man were in a bar on one day talking bout the problems of their
respective groups. The black man reviewed all the progress his people
had made over the past decade and tried to get the Indian inspired to
start a similar movement of activism among the tribes.
Finally the black man
concluded, "Well, I guess you can't do much, there are so few of you.
"Yes," said the Indian,
"and there won't be very many of you if they decide to play cowboys
Another time, an Indian
and a black man were talking about the respective races and how they
had been treated by the white man. Each was trying to console the
other about the problem and each felt the other group had been treated
The Indian reminded the
black man how his people had been slaves, how they had not had a
chance to have a good family life, and how they were so persecuted in
the South. The black man admitted all of the sufferings of his people,
but he was far more eloquent in reciting the wrongs against the
Indians. He reviewed the broken treaties, the great land thefts, the
smallpox infected blankets given to the tribes by the English, and the
current movement to relocated all the Indians in the cities, far from
Listening to the vivid
description, the Indian got completely carried away in remorse. As
each wrong was recited he nodded sorrowfully and was soon convinced
that there was practically no hope at all for his people. Finally he
could stand no more.
"And do you know," he
told the black man, "there was a time in the history of this country
when they used to shoot us just to get the feathers!"
to inquisitive whites has also proved humorous on occasion . . . Louie
Sitting Crow, an old timer from Crow Creek, Dakota, used to go into
town and watch the tourists who traveled along Highway 16 in South
Dakota to get to the Black Hills. One day at a filling station a car
from New York pulled up and began filling its tank for the long drive.
A girl came over to
talk with Louie. She asked him a great many questions about the Sioux
and Louie answered as best he could. Yes, the Sioux were fierce
warriors. Yes, the Sioux had once owned all of the state. Yes, they
still wished for the old days.
Finally the girl asked
if the Indians still scalped people. Louie, weary of the questions,
replied, "Lady, remember, when you cross that river and head west, you
will be in the land of the fiercest Indians on earth and you will be
very lucky to get to the Black Hills alive. And you ask me if they
still scalp. Let me tell you, it's worse than that. Now they take the
As Louie recalled, the
car turned around and headed east after the tank was full of gas....
One-line retorts are
common in Indian country. Popovi Da, the great Pueblo artist, was
quizzed one day on why the Indians were the first ones on this
continent. "We had reservations," was his reply. Another time, when
questioned by an anthropologist on what the Indians called America
before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours. " A young
Indian was asked one day at a conference what a peace treaty was. He
replied, "That's when the white man wants a piece of your land."
The best example of
Indian humor and militancy I have ever heard was given by Clyde
Warrior one day. He was talking with a group of people about the
National Indian Youth Council, of which he was then president, and its
program for a revitalization of Indian life. Several in the crowd were
skeptical about the idea of rebuilding Indian communities along
traditional Indian lines.
"Do you realize," he
said, "that when the United States was founded, it was only 5 percent
urban and 95 percent rural and now it is 70 percent urban and 30
His listeners nodded
solemnly but didn't seem to understand what he was driving at.
"Don't you realize what
this means?" he rapidly continued. "It means we are pushing them into
the cities. Soon we will have the country back again."
Whether Indian jokes
will eventually come to have more significance than that, I cannot
speculate. Humor, all Indians will agree, is the cement by which the
coming Indian movement is held together. When a people can laugh at
themselves and laugh at others and hold all aspects of life together
without letting anybody drive them to extremes, then it seems to me
that people can survive.
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba)
were sitting in a
bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys
do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.
Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly
Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had
the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with
matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say
it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was
Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she
breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't
had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her
is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam
"Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but....Who has the worst
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained,
"That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN WOMAN
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Believe in her,
Shop with her,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Give her many horses,
Bead for her,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Play Native music for her,
Compose a song for her,
Set up camp for her,
Call her by her Indian Name,
Hunt for her (clean it for her),
Carry her chair atthe Pow-Wow,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow season,
Give her beautiful Indian Jewelry,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Always tell her, her fry bread is better,
Give her many Pendleton Blankets, and no Indian Time,
Give her lots of attention and Sing beautiful Native music to her.
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN
Show up with an Indian Taco, Corn Soup and an extra piece of fry
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in
the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound
asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's
it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then
buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."
rez (reservation) dawgs
How can you spot the difference between a regular canine and a Rez dog?
Throw each one in the oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.
The regular canine should come out tender and moist.
The Rez dog will come out with a towel wrapped around his waist saying,
"Dang that was a good sweat!"
PoncaJohn and TexasTweety
"Grandpa, don't you
wish all the white men would go back to Europe?" the young Sioux asked.
"Not till they pay us
for the Black Hills!" the old man snapped defiantly!.
Counting to Ten in Kiowa:
What's the difference between a white guy praying in church and a white
guy praying in an Indian casino?
(The one in the casino is sincere).
What's a mile long and four feet high?
A Hopi Grand Entry
Q: What do you call a Sioux guy out walking his dog?
Q: What do you call a Cheyenne guy with two dogs?
Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert. "I understand that
you Indians have brought your own indigenous survival equipment" ventured
"Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus" said the Pima guy proudly.
"When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink." The captain
Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said " Sir, I have brought the sacred
corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains". The
captain looked even more impressed.
Not to be outdone the Pawnee guy said "I brought a car door off a 1959
Chevy Impala". "Why would you do that?" the captain asked. "Well," said
the Pawnee guy "when I get too hot, I just roll down the window".
"Dishes da Navajo police... OPEN UP!"
An Osage lady had just bought a new car with her headright money. She
sent her Choctaw boyfriend to the back of the car to check out her turn
signals. "Are they working?" she asked.
The Choctaw guy responded "Yes... No... Yes...No...".
Two Cheyenne guys on relocation spied a sign in a cafe window that said
"hot-dogs". Thinking they were some other kind of dogs, they ordered two
to go, and went to a park to have lunch. The first Cheyenne guy looked
inside his sack, and then threw it down in disgust.
"What part did you get?" asked his buddy.
An elderly Choctaw couple was driving back from visiting their neighbor
when the old lady wondered if the geese they had been given were safely
put away in the pickup bed. "Hey you got dem goose?" she asked her
"Quit your cussin'" he said.
Two Poncas stole a hog, and put it on the front car seat between them.
Suddenly they hit a road block. Thinking fast, they disguised the hog
by putting sunglasses on it, and by tying a lady's scarf around its head.
The trick worked, and the deputy let them go.
"Don't that break your heart?" the deputy asked the sheriff as they drove
away. "Them two Ponca Indian boys .. out with that beautiful white woman".
The rez cop disciplined a reckless driver by smacking him over the head,
and then let the driver and his passenger go. Two minutes later the rez
cop stopped the same car again, walked over to the passenger's side, and
then hit him over the head.
"Hey!" yelled the passenger. I didn't do anything! Why did you hit
"Just making your wish come true" said the rez cop. "I know you said
'I wish that s.o.b woulda tried that s*it on ME".
Q: What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Pottowottomie, and a
A: A chickie-pot-pie
An Indian woman went to the school to register her boys.
"How many children do you have?" asked the secretary.
"Ten" she said.
"And what are their names?" she was asked.
"Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob" she said
"They're ALL named Bob?" the secretary asked. "What if you want them to
come in from playing?'
"That's easy" she explained. "I just call Bob and they all come running".
"And what if you want them to come and eat?" the secretary asked.
"I just say Bob, come eat your dinner, and they do". She said.
"But what if you want just ONE Bob to do something?" asked the secretary
"Oh that's easy" she said. "I just use their last names".
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated,
at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared
for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the
same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass
EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no
paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you
play your cards right.
Forward this on
to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a
daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated (and to your children
so that they know what it takes to be a parent).
You know it's time to lose weight when:
* You can't see your moccasin strings anymore
* You "duck" during the duck and dive and you can't get back up
* You find yourself bringing zip lock bags and a sack to the powwow feast
* You get in line twice at the powwow feast and lie by saying, "this
plate is for my grandma who's sitting in the car," and you don't realize
she just went through the line 10 people ahead of you.
* You can't fit your choker, because you no longer have a neck
* Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs
on your car
* The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on
* The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat,
because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your
beefy legs into the car
* You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips
* You don't even feel your mosquito bites
* You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair
* People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt
* You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle
* You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"
* You almost pass out in the sweathouse
using only one rock
* You get scared your belly button might come untied
* In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your
advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand
* Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line
* You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time
with the drum
* Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're
up walking around
* You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can
climb up on the hood of the car and get on
* Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"
INDIAN POWER means pride in the fact that you
have enough kid's to have a tribe of your own!
INDIAN POWER means maintaining your health is through a strict diet of
nutritional USDA foods that just Commodities can offer, keeping that Comod
bod in tip top shape!
INDIAN POWER means a way to a richer life is through the government!
INDIAN POWER means that those white guy's in government, still, never
established a master plan to kill you and your people off--yet!
INDIAN POWER means having the stamina to party all night when all the good
looking girls are all snagged out, no more beer left, or just getting too
messed up and talking too much resulting in getting kicked out of the
INDIAN POWER means eating four to five Indian Taco's in one night at a
INDIAN POWER means having an Iron liver to drink any race under the table
and laughing at them when they pass out...except, maybe, for those Irish!
INDIAN POWER means that you have a load of relative's to back you
INDIAN POWER means that your people are the epitome of all firefighter's!
INDIAN POWER means determination to save thousands of dollars, over a
course of a year, for a pow wow knowing the fact it's all going to be
given away in a matter of minutes. Unless, of course, your tribe has a
INDIAN POWER means having extreme skill & concentration to play a multiple
number of Bingo cards all at once while simultaneously visiting the
person next to you!
INDIAN POWER means using that power to try, hard not to laugh when a
wannabe tries to claim they're Cherokee and their great grandmother was a
INDIAN POWER means that if you met those pitiful pilgram's yourself they
would have been dead on the spot, especially Christopher Columbus who was
OLD NDN TRICK
Recently a routine
Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete's tavern. Late in the evening the
officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
After what seemed
an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find
his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the
blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He
moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last
he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol
car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried
out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station
this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Aye!!!! Old tribal trick--enit!!?
Indian Humor - NM Style
A New Mexico State Trooper pulled over a van on I-25 about ten miles north
of "The Pit". When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding the
driver answered that he was a juggler and he was on his way to Sandia
Casino to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The trooper
told the driver he was fascinated by the juggling, and if the driver would
do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver
told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and that
he didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some
flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling
act, an old pickup with expired plates pulled up behind the squad car. An
Indian who was obviously intoxicated, staggered out and watched the
performance briefly. He shook his head, went over to the squad car, opened
the door and got in. The trooper observed the man doing this and went over
to his squad car opened the back door and asked the drunk what he thought
he was doing?! The drunk replied...."Sha-Bro....might as well take me to
jail....There's no way in hell I can pass THAT test!!!!"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A TECHNO-INDIAN
1. You now know a hard drive isn't just the road to Navajo Mountain!!!
2. You have a beaded zip drive.
3. You ask chicks for their e-mail address at pow-wows and rodeos.
4. Your mouse is coated with frybread grease.
5. Before you attend a pow-wow or all-ndn rodeo, you need to check its
6. Your e-mail address is: DancesWithModems@hotmail.com.
7. You send eeezzzzmail.
8. You think a floppy disk slot crammed with sage will somehow increase
your connection speed.
9. Your snag doesn't want to hear that lame old "my server is down" excuse
10. You have several CPUs up on blocks in your living room.
The old tribal
chairman was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly
smelled the scent of fry-bread wafting into his room. Aaahhhh. . . He
loved fry-bread more than anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed. . . Down the
stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife, Lillian,
kneading the dough for a new batch. As he reached for one of the fresh
steaming fry-breads, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the
wooden spoon his wife was holding. 'Leave them alone!' she said. 'They're
for the funeral ! ' "
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the
highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a
car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just
as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian
ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the
speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
"22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."
INDIAN REZ HOROSCOPES:
CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19:
You are always saving junk and dragging things around the yard. You are
basically a pack rat. There has never been a tidy Capricorn on your Indian
Reserve. You should quit stealing other people's garbage.
AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18:
You haven't the foggiest idea who you are and you've stayed stupid for too
long. You are a natural liar. On the other hand, you are compelled to the
dinner table where, you make loud sucking noises, as you devour sixteen
pork neckbones. Everyone thinks you Indian name should be 'Vacuum Neck'.
PISCES Feb 19-Mar 20:
You have no imagination and you always think the Department of Indian
Affairs or Social Services are following you. You have influence over
welfare administrators and friends think you're a weasel. You lack
perseverance and are generally a chicken. Pisces people like to beat the
ugly cats and sniff their nose a lot.
ARIES Mar 21- Apr 19:
You are an old stiff and this is reflected in everything you do. You are
always whining over nothing and think everyone is out to rob you of
something. You should take 11 sweats, one after another.
TAURUS Apr 20- May 20:
You like to work like hell and you are a genuine Jack of all trades. Most
people think you are just getting in their way. you are stubborn and
persistent. You are stubborn and persistent. You should get on welfare,
GEMINI May 20- June 21:
You are very intelligent on your feet but lose all credibility when
sitting down. People like you because you know how to cash in food
vouchers. This means your're a con artist. Geminis are notorious for their
CANCER June 22- July 22:
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. Friends
think you are a sponge and you are always misplacing your sweetgrass. That
is why you will always drive a 'rez bomb' and have
a fat mate.
LEO July 23-Aug 22:
You consider yourself a warrior, others think you're a macho egotistical
creature of habit. Most Leos like to pick on little people. You have no
ambition and will forever live in your mind. Leo people are scared to go
to the sun dance and prefer to make love to their mirrors.
VIRGO Aug 23- Sep 22:
You like to have things in perfect order and will pick nits all day. Your
sex life has become well known, due to you meticulous nature. Friends
think you're an example of institutionalization and would make a model
inmate at the local prison.
LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 23:
You have extreme difficulty with reality. This disorder began at the Rez
school and will cause further serious mental shortcomings. Chances for
employment are nil and you'll have to do bead work for the rest of your
life. All Libra's light their sweetgrass from the wrong end.
SCORPIO Oct 24- Nov 21:
You are a shrewd and conniving Aboriginal. You land claim cannot be
settled because you also want them to throw in Africa and China. Your work
ethics defy logic but this stems from the fact that you know everything.
Most Scorpios develop Jean Chretien-type mouths.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22- Dec 21:
You are extemely optimistic and have the tendency to rely on Indian
Medicine. The majority of Sagittarians carry little bundles of leather and
will do weird things suddenly. You should take 365 vision quests, 67 sweat
ceremonies, 39 Sun Dances and a Valium.
To A White Person
Upon First Meeting:
10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all your people's ways in the Boy Scouts.
7. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded white-Canadian
6. Funny, you don't look white.
5. Where's your powdered wig and knickers?
4. Do you live in a covered wagon?
3. What's the meaning behind the square dance?
2. What's your feeling about river-boat casinos? Do they really help
your people, or are they just a
1. Oh wow! I really love your hair! Can I touch it?
Joined at the tooth.
A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the
dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because
I'm in a big hurry," the Sioux woman said. " Just extract the tooth as
quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're
certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The Sioux woman turned to her husband and
said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there
was a tapping on the window.
"Ah Hoh!" "Hey guy!" "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!"
Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out
side the window.
The Ponca man driving shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was
doing 60 miles and hour.
"Step on it!" "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another
tapping at the window.
The driver shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing
ninety (90) miles an hour.
Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.
"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."
"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.
About that time the little old man motioned for the passenger to roll the
window down, which he did.
"Say Boys!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of
this mud hole?"
A white girl and an Indian boy were on
their first date, and this was like in 1930. The boy wanting to please the
girl asked her? "I want to take you to a very nice place to eat." "Where
would you like to go."
The girl was equally anxious to make a good impression and didn't answer
right away. However, lest she be silent too long, she said. "Oh dear me!"
"Hmmm!" "That's good!" The young man replied. "Turkey me!"
You have to be Indian to get it.
Two tribes were visiting each other. The
men were in council and the leader of one tribe, wishing to make
conversation said, "I did not sleep well, last night." At this he put his
hands to his head and gestured like horns. "A horned owl kept me awake."
At that the elders of the other tribes arose and came over to shake his
hand. The man looked at his companion in surprise. "What did I say?"
His friend said. "Well, I'm not sure, but I think you just gave away a
An Indian man was violently whipping one of
his young sons. A man passing by said. "Say now!" "Why are you whipping
"He lied to me." "He pushed over the out house and then told me he didn't
That is no reason to whip him. George Washington cut down a cherry tree
and his father did not whip him to get to the truth.
"Yeah but, George Washington's father was not in that Cherry tree when his
son cut it down."
At a get together of a number of different
tribes the M.C. was trying to involve the crowd with his oratory. "You
know," he said. "We are different tribes, but we have something in
common." "Many of us here
went to government school." He would call a name and that person stood
"I went to Chilocco."
"I went to Bacone."
"I went to Riverside."
"I went to Sequoyah."
"I went to Haskell."
One after another stood to tell where they attended school. Finally the
last one stood up.
"I went to Gravey!" The laughter ended
that part of the program.
(For those unacquainted with Gravy. This is the nickname for the
government boarding school at Pawnee, Oklahoma.)
Indian Message To The Moon
When NASA was preparing for the
Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian
reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and
came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big
A member of the crew said they were
practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and
asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA
folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his
message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA
reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe
listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the
Finally, the NASA crew called in an
official government translator. He reported that the moon message said,
"Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Otoe man: "Say! I heard O.J. Simpson is
Ponca man: "Shore nuff?" "How'd you know?"
Otoe man: "Well, they said they had his D-Nay!"
A few years back, when I was working with
wolves, we had a Mohave/Apache boy working with me. Every time, something
need to be repaired or a new project was under way, we would call him in
to get his ideas. Then when the project was done, it ended-up the way he
suggested and most of the time better than originally planned, by the rest
We would give him, a compliment for get it completed, working properly and
looking good. Most of the time he would mumble under his breath,
engine-new-it--t. Finally, one day I asked, what he meant and why he
always mumbled, under his breath.
This Injun knows what he was doing. What about you?
Donna this is the only clean semi-joke I can think of.
Subject: Indian and Genie
An Indian man has spent many days crossing Montana without water.
His horse dies of thirst. He's crawling through the grass, certain that he
has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the dirt, and discovers what
looks be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Bureau of Indian Affairs
badge and dull grey suit. There's
a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well,
kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a B.I.A.
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
"OK, I wish I were on a lush reservation with plentiful food and drink."
The man finds himself on the most beautiful rez he has ever seen,
surrounded with jugs of Rum and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my Chiefs wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
"Ok, I wish I would be desired and loved by everyone?"
He is changed into a crunchy chocolate bar.
The moral of the story? If the B.I.A offers you anything, for sure
someone is going to have to deal with some nuts.
Subject: You know
your a Rezzer when....
You know your native when you can relate to the following.......
This is a good
one. Add on if have something.
28. When somebody falls down, you laugh first, then ask if they're okay.
27. You know people by their nicknames, and forget their "real" names.
26. By the age of 13 your an expert at driving where as other children off
rez at the age of 15 are learning how to back out of a 12 foot drive way.
25. When listening to the scanner you can usually look out your window to
see the action. yeee!!!
24. There is at least one car parked in your yard, missing parts, maybe a
door, probably sitting on blocks... Yah your gonna get her running one of
these days, damn that's a good car!!
23. Most injuries can be fixed at home, going to the clinic is torture in
22. You at some point have cried while watching Smoke Signals, or Pow-wow
21. Most of the knowlege you've gained about the world abroad comes from
the discovery channel.
20. Your trusted pup is a fine heinz 57 mix who has never seen a liesh,
19. Someone near your home if not you has their house painted in some type
of easter egg coloring.
18. The local mechanic's garage is his yard.
17. Your trained in the fine art of wiring vehicles, and opening door
16. An essential thing to have in your house is duct tape, or wd40, they
can fix anything.
15. Some of the most heated debates is which one of your aunties makes the
best fry bread.
14. A true delicasy is dry meat soup, and some fry bread.
13. The Chief gives the day off during certain occasions, such as pow-wows,
and when the h.s. basketball team makes it to state, rather than having to
deal with all the leaves, sick, emergency, administration, yep.
12. You have never been to a salon to have your hair cut, either the
bathroom or the back porch.
11. Such a small community, your on a first name basis with the entire
10. You have your own dialect and can usually tell what rez another native
is from by their speech and features.
9. One of the main words in your vocabulary is "annet".
8. Out of all the cheeses you've sampled there is only one that you really
like, heh, heh, you know what i'm talkin about, and it's only available on
yep, "the rez".
7. You point with your chin, or your lips, instead of your hands.
6. Your car has at one point in time been held together by some type of
adhesive, duct tape, crazy glue, some wire, or bubble yum, aye don't laugh
I tried it, it works.
5. When you go to town for groceries, half the rez is in town too.
4. You have tried to use one of the following excuses for a hickey, it's a
rug burn, an allergic reaction, you fell, you were pinched, heh, heh,
don't bother they never work.
3. Your third cousin is just as close to you as one of your brothers or
2. You in a room with three other natives can pin point anyone else in the
near by area with the vaguest of details. Finally the number one sign that
you are a true native is,
1. No meal is complete with out bread, whether it be Italian, french,
chinese, still needs bread.
What do you hear?
A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City, walking
near Times Square in Manhattan. It was during the noon lunch hour and the
streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs
were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the
city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the Native American said, "I hear a
His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a
cricket in all of this noise!"
"No, I'm sure of it," the Native American said, "I heard a cricket."
"That's crazy," said the friend.
The Native American listened carefully for a moment, and then walked
across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing.
He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he
located a small cricket. His friend was utterly amazed.
"That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"
"No," said the Native American. "My ears are no different from yours. It
all depends on what you're listening for."
"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in
"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important
to you. Here, let me show you."
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped
them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still
blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and
look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.
"See what I mean?" asked the Native American. "It all depends on what's
important to you."
INDIANS OUTSMART THE ARKIE, Again.
Two Indians and an Arkansas Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he
listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Arkie was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom
during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo!
Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a
girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian
ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Arkie wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in
amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man!
Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front
of the opening and hollered with all his might, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile
on his face, He raced into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of
"NAKED ARKANSAS HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
Never trust little old Indian women:
A little old Indian woman went into Republic National Bank with a sack
full of money. She plopped it onto the desk of the Bank president as she
had wrangled her way into his office. He was an Indian man.
"Where did you get money like this?" he
"Well, you see." She answered him. "I make bets."
"Bets?" He wanted to know.
"Yes." She replied. "For instance, I'll bet you 25,000. you are not
brown all over." "I bet that under your shorts you are white."
"The Indian president of the Bank told her, "Well, I will take that bet."
"I am brown all over."
"Okay," the wily old lady agreed. "However, tomorrow when we close the
bet, I want my attorney with me. He is Indian too.
"Okay! Okay." The president of the bank was agreeable. When he went home
though he double checked to see if he was brown all over. After all
25,000. was at stake.
The next day when the little old Indian lady came in with her attorney,
the president was ready for her.
The little old Indian woman told him. "I am not going to take your word
for it." "I want to see if you are brown all over."
The president thought for a moment and decided since it was, after all,
25,000 he would, indeed, drop his pants to show the little old Indian
woman he was brown all over, which he did. He looked over at the Indian
attorney who was banging his head against the wall.
"Why is he doing that?" The president asked.
The little old Indian woman answered, "Because I bet him 165,000. that the
President of the Republic National Bank would drop his pants for me.
You may have
thought your ancestors knew all about buffalo hunting but here is a
I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like
this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."
New Words" Words not
found in the dictionary but should be:
Commodify (kah MOD if eye):
uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard
cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powdered milk, powdered
eggs and canned meat.
Powwowvow (pow wow vow):
the standard pledge of the pow-wow Romeo: "Sure, Baby, I'll meet
you at the next pow-wow. You're the only jingle dress dancer for me.
Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?"
Moccashoe (Mock ah shoe):
contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis
shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old-fashion way.
the eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover
within 10 minutes of meeting each other.
Vis-a-cheese (VEES ah cheez):
mode of exchange in which a block of commodity cheese can purchase
other goods or services.
Indinferior (IN din FEER ee your):
a manifestation of self-oppression; the practice of Indians looking
down on other Indians for either not speaking the language or not being
full-blood or not participating in ceremonies or not living in the rez or
not wearing braids or not dancing in pow-wows or not having--, etc., etc.,
etc., blah-blah, blah-blah.
(BEE EYE eez):
an affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the
inability to keep track of millions of dollars.
Snaggravated (SNAG ra vayt ed):
the annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night's snag
isn't quite as hot in the light of day.
(tribal ISS tik):
to become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self-serving,
short-sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council.
(REZ er size):
the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your
Indian car broke down for good.
the instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not
available; usually the dented hood of a one-eyed Ford.
Frybreadth (FRY bredth):
a unit a measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's
AlterNative (alter NAY TIV):
an individual who was born and raised in the non-Indian culture but
recently "discovered" a "hidden" Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian
phrases. Assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of
Eagles. Calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong
Kong beadwork; usually found in the East and West coast region but had
documented sightings in other regions as well.
Councilmenopause (cown sil MEN oh paws):
a disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating, impairment
of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen
when cornered by an angry tribal member or constituent.
(DISS under stand ing):
when white people think that they understand why tribes and individual
Indians are the way they are, but attribute any and all behavior to the
culture or the race.