Lyrics composed by John Henderson on Friday the 2nd of April, 2010
to a typical piece of George Formby doggerel song music.

Ye'd ne'er caa Jim handsome, tho' a loon fa kens he's smert,
An the quines roon toon say his trig-kilt gars a kittlin in ilk's hert;
Noo I ken a lot o' billies in lang breeks fa'r ne'er ow'r plees'd
Seein sae mony'a 'Protty Polly' droolin ow'r Jim's knees !

Noo gif laddies like us hud ony nouse,
We'd pit oor thocht-caps oan;
Quines seem tae fancy kilty Jim
As jist the maist exterordnar fella thit did ivver shaw limb;
Yit Jim seems nae catch tae us loons
Wi nae gowd in his sporran tae coff jos goons;
Noo gif lassies like them, wint chiels like Jim,
Yon's an affa tae-dae !
Och ay !
It's a scunner I'd say !


I'm yin o' thase dool billies fa wi lassies his nae lick;
E'en wi breeks or kilt an sporran fu, things nivver seem tae click;
I aft think oan fit I dae wrang, an fit I've gat tae dee,
Tae hiv yin sich 'Protty Polly' ow'r the mune 'boot me !

Bit the wirld it is nae a freenly plank,
Fan jos are fit I seek;
Quines aa aye seem tae ging-fur fit
Are jist the maist exterordnar noshuns whilk I micht ne'er git;
Shair yon Jim seems nae catch tae me,
Wi naithin in his sporran bit a handkerchie;
Sae, gif lassies like thase, wint chiels like Jim,
I shair dinna ken why !
Och weel !
I micht nivver ken why !