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Aches An' Peyns


Poem in a mixture of Scots and Inglish by John Henderson on 9th June, 2015

Ma hurdies they wur achin’
Ma big tae hud the gout
Ma hearin’s wisnae guid maist days
"Cam claise", Ah hud tae shout !

Ma neck gat stiff syne in ma’ kip
Nae pillas pit it richt
Ah tried yon rubber collars tee
Bit cudnae staun’em ticht!

Ma sense o’ smell wis rubbish
Ma taste buds wur aye dry
Nae pleesure ony time fur me
Frae a butcher’s mutton pie!

Ma sicht wis failin’ by the oor
The tellie didnae focus
The physic said twis glaucoma
Anse some sich hokus-pokus

Bit aiven worse, ma back aye hurt
Ilk step Ah teuk gied gyp
Nae wonner thit ma kimmer said,
‘Ye’re redd noo fur the skip!’

Ah wis an awfa scunner me
Sae hypochondriacal
E'en worse furbye Ah cudnae eese
Ma wee bit ‘block an' tackle’!

BIT - I maun tell ye...... NOO ....

Ma hurdies they're nae achin’
Ma big tae’s nae inflam'd
Ma lugs they pick up ilka soond
Sae syne whit cud be blamed?

Ma neck nae langer steefens up
Its muscles nae inflam'd
Nae need fur rubber collars noo
Sae syne whit cud be blamed?

Ma sense o’ smell’s jist perfec'
Ma taste buds tell nae lees
Graun pleesure ony time fur me
Frae ma kimmer's mince an' peas!

Ma sicht gits sherper by the oor
The tellie’s noo in focus
The physic says "A miracle"
Or some sich hokus-pokus

Bit best o’ a’ ma back’s nae sair
Noo Ah can hop an' jump
Nae wonner that ma kimmer smiles
Whan Ah skelp her oan her rump

Ah soond a new-born wonner me
Nae feelin' an auld-stager
The raisin noo fur this tirn-aroon?
Cam oan noo tak a wager!

Ah'm shair fair hale an' fere, Och aye!
Ah nivver aince noo stagger
The raison fur me feelin' guid
Nae lime noo in ma lager !!!!


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